Fighting for her (Novak series #1) {Completed}

13. Scary feelings

Darby’s POV

I wait impatiently for mom to come out of my bedroom and tell me what’s happening inside Hope’s head. We don’t know each other well, but I feel a particular responsibility for her, a longing. I’m not a person who’s used to having responsibility for anyone but myself; after all, this is how I’ve lived for the past three years.

And it’s that time difference that makes me feel even more confused about why I care about Hope. Damn, I haven’t met her since she was a little girl, and I just remember her very vaguely. On the other hand, at the time, I didn’t care about anything other than my toy cars and newest transformers.

Unlike my brothers, cars have been one of my big interests since I was a kid. Caleb loved cooking with mom more than anything else, and Noah has always had a strong passion for music and singing, which is very comical considering how quiet he is. Society has always seen us as the same person despite our differences, even though it’s far from the truth.

I think most of the twin pairs and other versions of clones have experienced similar things in their lives. Maybe it’s because we’re so similar to each other that people take for granted that we’re the same person, but times three? It’s not impossible. At the same time, I can find it sad how ignorant people we share society with actually are.

Given that I’ve moved within the shadow of the hidden part of society, I know that world more than others. For this reason, I can also say that I understand how Hope feels. Maybe not in exactly the same way, but I know what it feels like to have others constantly judging you for what you look like or what background you come from.

I have a stable background, really, but it’s during the years I’ve been away from the family that I created my own conditions and a completely different experience, which others judge me for. That knowledge scared me when Melissa wanted me to meet her parents. You can imagine how it felt.

“Hello, Mom and dad. This is my new boyfriend, who ran away from home when he was sixteen years old and started living criminally; that’s why he has scars everywhere. Now you’ve met him, is there coffee?” I know how I look, and not to sound arrogant, but I’m handsome. But my tattoos, piercings, scars, and big physique make me look ruffled.

I’m not the person your parents want you to bring home for family dinner, but rather the one who probably went to juvie for assault when he was twelve. The preconceived opinions I had in my head already about myself, which made the whole experience even more absurd than it already was from the beginning when I first met Bernice and Hugh.

Two for me strangers treated me like an equal, with both kindness and respect despite my appearance. They quickly became essential to me, and when Melissa deviated from her everyday life, it hurt to terminate contact with her parents. Despite their kindness, it didn’t feel right to continue contacting them when I was no longer with their daughter.

As I mentioned earlier, I tried to help Melissa in every way I could think of, and I can do nothing but be sad that she chose not to accept the help I offered her. What does all this have to do with Hope? Nothing, really. But I suspect that my protective instinct from when I tried to help my ex is still inside me.

That must be the reason I react like this to Hope and her situation, right? I honestly don’t know anymore. Everything feels confusing, and I don’t honestly know how to interpret my own emotions because I’ve forced myself not to feel anything for a very long time.

“How is she?” I ask, anxious when mom comes back down the stairs with Camilla in her arms.

“She’s going to be okay,” she replies, sitting down on the couch opposite. “We’ve talked, and it seems that I reached her now. She needs time to lick her wounds and get back to herself.”

“What were you talking about?”

“She has to decide for herself whether she wants to tell you or not because it can be delicate. You got the answer to your question, and it wasn’t Farris who hurt her. What I can tell you is that he seems to have made the same mistakes Melissa did and has borrowed money from the wrong people. They were there to get paid, and when Hope refused to pay for her dad’s mistake, they abused her,” mom explains, and I clench my hands until the knuckles turn white.

“I’m not going to allow her to get hurt,” I say, and mom looks up at me hastily.

“I didn’t realize any of us would accept that, though? Hope is a nice girl, and she has always been a kind soul who wants to help others. It amazes me that you think we won’t protect her as one of our own. What doesn’t surprise me as much, however, is that you think your mother is stupid,” she says, smiling knowingly. “You like Hope, despite your few interactions, so be it. What I wonder is why you don’t show her that?”

“She’s just got beaten up,” I point out.

“It’s an excuse and nothing else. Try again.”

“I have baggage that she may not want to partake in.”

“Everyone has baggage. Get it together.”

“I have a child,” I finally say, and mom makes a “wrong answer” sound.

“It’s excuses, Darby, all of it. Hope loves kids; she’s your daughter’s nanny! Why don’t you just say as it is, that you’re afraid of what those feelings might mean?”

Yeah, why don’t I? Because I’m a coward. Feelings beyond anger have never been easy for me to either manage or show, least of all when it comes to someone I fancy. Besides, I’m proud, really damn proud, and that pride makes me not dare to admit. I don’t dare to admit to myself, especially not to anyone else, that I don’t know how to love a regular person.

Melissa was from the same part of the community as me, and it was one of the more significant parts we had in common. Hope doesn’t belong to the same world, even though she comes from the same place. Both Melissa and I chose to lead criminal lives, while Hope has instead had to take the hit of a loved one of her doing it.

It’s impossible to compare because it’s simply not the same thing. I’m afraid to start something with Hope because, in a future perspective, she might realize that a life with me isn’t what she really wants. She may wake up one day and decide that she can’t cope with my mood swings anymore or that I’m not suitable for her.

How am I supposed to expose myself to the possible pain voluntarily without going crazy at the same time? Put a gun to my forehead with the fuse off, and I won’t react. Try to persuade me to create a relationship with someone, and I tremble like an aspen leaf. I’m doomed to be alone; it’s as simple as that.

“She deserves someone much better,” I finally whisper, and mom sits down next to me.

“My boy, you can’t let your fear control your choices. What if you choose to abstain, and you might miss out on some of the best things that happened to you, or you might throw yourself into it and get hurt. Such is life. But a heart that’s broken is a heart that’s been loved. You’ll never know unless you at least try,” she says, kissing my forehead. “Besides, she can’t get anyone better than you. You’re my son, after all!”

She laughs, and I laugh with her. It feels good to be able to laugh again, despite the circumstances. Hopefully, together we can help Hope get back to herself again. Just as if she can hear me, the angel descends the stairs slowly with her brother supporting her.

“Hope, it doesn’t feel optimal for you to shuffle across the floor,” Jessie says uncertainly.

“I can’t be still anymore. It’s sickening! Besides, I’m the adult, and you’re the child. Just because we’re here temporarily doesn’t mean that you should look after me; it’s the other way around. I appreciate all your help, and it’s nice that you care about me, but this concern you feel is unnecessary. It’s time for you to do your homework anyway,” she says, and Jessie groans before she kisses his cheek. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

“Of course, how could you not? I’m amazing,” he says, snorting.

“You pompous asshole, go do your homework,” she giggles, and Jessie walks away. “Hopeless kid.”

“He cares about you,” mom says, and Hope looks up at us hastily.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you. I can’t be still anymore, and Jessie drives me crazy with melons,” she sighs and sits down carefully on the couch opposite us.

“Melons?” I ask, confused, and she giggles.

“Yes, he got the idea to Google melons and told me everything he found about it. Please don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. He’s weird,” she replies, smiling big.

“I’m going to prepare dinner,” mom says, putting Camilla in my arms before turning to Hope. “It’s good to see you back on your feet, honey.”

It gets quiet, and I can’t help but look at her. Hope is a gorgeous woman with her light silk hair and eyes of the darkest chocolate. Looks aren’t everything, but Hope has the personality to back it up. She’s simply an extraordinary woman from the inside out. Is it really a good idea to let me corrupt her?

“So,” I start, looking at her. “Would you like to tell me about your melons?”

I have the urge to slap myself in the head; that sounds silly. But Hope starts to laugh, and the sound is like the most beautiful music. Her eyes shine with joy, and the twinkle in her eye makes me want to know everything about her. Tears fall on her cheeks from the laughter, and after a little while, I also start.

“Sorry, it’s not even funny!” she exclaims, desperately trying to stop laughing, but fails.

She holds her hand on her ribs, which must hurt tremendously, considering she’s injured. Even so, she keeps laughing, and it sounds like a dying animal as she hysterically continues. Camilla laughs, and Hope manages to calm down when she hears the sound. I sit down next to Hope instead and hand over Camilla.

“Hey, baby girl,” she says. “Sorry if I scared you.”

I stare at the woman holding my daughter and notice that the mere thought of Hope becoming a good mother to Camilla makes my heart throb a little harder than usual. It’s wrong to even think about trying to replace my daughter’s mother with someone else, but at the same time, I can say from experience that all children deserve two parents.

What scares me even more is when I realize that I have a desire within me, and it’s not that Hope should be the mother of Camilla but also of all my future children. Damn, I need help! This woman and I don’t know each other, have nothing in common. Yet the desire stays, and when our eyes meet, I smile while my heart says “mine.”

A/N:

Hello everyone!

Today I found out that a loved one has passed away, and I don’t know if it’ll affect my updates or not. For now, I don’t want to think about it but rather throw myself into my imaginary worlds with characters that don’t exist instead of dealing with the grief in real life. I’m going to be okay, just not today. 

~ What did you think of the chapter? 

~ What do you think will happen? Is all the drama gone?

Hugs and kisses!