NEVER YOURS

Six

I didn't expect the sudden tears that flood my eyes.

I hesitate for the shortest second, considering pulling back, but then I decide screw it and I wrap my arms around his waist.

I bury my face into his chest and take a deep breath.

I can't believe he still gets all over my feelings a decade down the line. I can't believe that being in his arms is still exhilarating and wildly intriguing, and I can't believe I'm actually embracing him for the first time in ten years.

I close my eyes when we both sniffle, and my heartbeat goes wild when he tightens his arms around me and kisses my hair.

"I missed you." He whispers.

I say nothing.

He slowly pulls back, keeping his arms around me. I know he's looking at me but I can't bring myself to look into his eyes.

I awkwardly step out of his arms when I remember that we're in a public place.

He steps after me and pulls my seat, then he waits until I'm seated and comfortable before he sits down opposite me.

I wring my hands under the table in a poor attempt to calm myself down.

"I wanted a reservation at the lounge upstairs, but apparently it's reserved for some birthday party." Kane starts to break the ice, and I'm quick to frown.

"The restaurant is just fine. I like it."

"I didn't think you'd show up."

I clear my throat.

"I didn't think I'd show up."

"But you did. Why?"

"Because you asked?"

"When have you ever done something because I asked? Lemme guess. Never."

"What are you driving at?"

"That maybe you don't hate me, otherwise you wouldn't have shown up tonight."

"What makes you think that I'd hate you?"

"You don't?"

I slowly look up, and I let my blank eyes hold his.

"Never did. You never did anything wrong to me."

"Then why? Why did you leave me like that? Do you have any idea what you did to me?"

"Kane, I don't want to talk about that."

"Oh, so I should just get over it and act like it never happened?"

"Can you?"

"You're unbelievable, Alli. You ruined me, and now you're seated right across the table from me, totally unapologetic. How did you turn this indifferent?"

Huh. Long story.

Looking at him now, I wonder what would have happened if I didn't leave him. Kane loved me. He was crazy about me. What I did to him was just...messy. If he did that to me with no apologies whatsoever, I'd have totally lost it.

He didn't deserve that.

I feel terrible.

"Kane, I can't even start to imagine what I put you through. I don't want to say sorry because it'll sound like bullshit."

He slightly shakes his head, one of his hands absently tugging at the rolled sleeve of his shirt.

"All these years, I kept asking myself what I did to deserve it. I thought it was something I said or something I was supposed to do and didn't. I kept thinking I was a horrible boyfriend to you." He shrugs. "I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. I was seventeen. I didn't know much about dating back then."

"You were perfect."

"Was I really?"

"Leaving in the middle of the night had nothing to do with you." I half lie. "It wasn't you. It was me."

"Really, Alli? You're going to use that crap line on me?"

"But I'm not lying. You did nothing wrong."

"So being poor was my only fault?"

I open my mouth to reply, but I abort mission when a waitress stops at our table to take orders. Kane asks for bottled water while I request for a glass of wine.

The waitress sweetly tells me that they only serve per the bottle, and when Kane asks her to bring the entire bottle, I flatly turn him down.

I'm not trying to get myself drunk around him.

He lets me order dinner for both of us, and I ask for steaks and a side of fries without a second thought.

Kane frowns once the lady is gone.

"You remember."

"Of course I do. That's all we ate whenever we went anywhere."

"And you had to pay every single time." He scoffs.

"Who cares? I know I don't."

"You don't care that I could never afford to take you on a proper date so you had to take me out and pay for all my meals?"

"Would it bother you if the roles were reversed and you paid for everything?"

"Alli, it's not the same."

"Why? Because you are a man?"

"Because that wasn't your money. It was your parents money."

"I was allowed to use my allowances as I pleased."

"And see how that worked out for us. They shipped you away in the middle of the night and we didn't see each other again for ten years. Do you realize how much that sucked for me?"

"You think it was easy on my side? You blocked me everywhere. I thought you hated me."

"I tried. Didn't work. You pretty much had me wrapped around your finger."

"Don't say such things."

"Why not?" He leans over and holds my gaze. "You were my first love. You'll always be important to me."

I lean back into my seat before I release my breath.

"Our drinks are here."

Then I pay all my attention to the waiter who's placing my iced tea and Kane's water on the table.

***

I'm not sure what I expected when I came here.

I knew there was a chance I wasn't over Kane yet but I didn't imagine even for a second that I'd feel so bothered by his presence.

It's like the last decade never happened. My heartbeat still quickens at the sight of him sitting right across the table from me, and his eyes on my face still sets my soul on fire.

He's watching me as I take a small sip from my cup, and his eyes follow my hand as I place it back on the table.

"Don't stare." I comment lightly, making him smile.

"I can't help it. You've grown so...different."

"Different?"

"Beautiful." He sips from his glass before he shakes his head. "I almost didn't recognize you yesterday. I had a totally different image of you in my mind."

"How different?"

"For starters, your hair has always been long. It's rather short now."

"I cut it and straightened it." I shrug dismissively. "I got bored with it."

"You did?"

If there's one thing I always loved about myself, it's my hair. Kane knew that I was mildly obsessed with it so he made it his job to compliment it and touch it whenever he could.

Growing up, I was a very insecure teenager, so the fact that I had something I actually liked about my body was a very big deal to both me and him.

It makes sense that the different hair style was the first thing he noticed.

So I nod.

"I did. It's just hair."

He sighs.

"You're smaller too."

"I lost a lot of weight. Puberty and everything."

I was way curvier when I was with him. I unintentionally lost a lot of weight once I gave birth. A lot changed about my physical appearance when my parents heartlessly stole my child and gave her away, and over the years, all the stress and worrying made me even skinnier. My hair became very dull and unhealthy and my once supple skin dried out.

I just didn't bother to take care of myself.

I didn't have a reason to.

Sitting here with Kane gazing at me makes my insecurities flow back, and I fidget in my seat wondering just how ugly I look.

Bet I look like I got punched in the face.

His expression, however, remains puzzled as he watches me. The disgust I'm dreading is nowhere to be seen.

"When did you move here?" He inquires when I keep sipping away from my cup.

"The other day. You?"

"I'm here for work, like I told you yesterday. Why are you here, Alli? You are a long way from home."

"I came here to start afresh. I was just tired of seeing the same old people and buildings everyday."

"And you chose here of all places?"

"What's wrong with this town?"

"You mean apart from the cold?"

Phew! Someone finally mentions the frigging cold.

"I heard I'll get used to it. I think it's a great city. A bit expensive but generally greater than home."

He looks around the restaurant before he turns back to me.

"I think I like noisy and busy cities better. This is noisy and busy but not enough. It's almost too good to be true."

I smile faintly.

"Your trust issues are showing."

"I have you to blame. I used to think that getting dumped via text was the most awful way to go until you ghosted me. You really can't blame me for having trust issues."

"Well, you're welcome."

The waitress brings our food, and that mercifully steers the conversation from our past.

**

After dinner and a very quiet conversation about my parents fate, his lucrative college scholarship and my boring life, Kane clears the hefty bill and we head out.

I wanted to insist on splitting the bill but then I figured he'd be offended, so I kept quiet and let him take care of it.

When we used to date back then, Kane really liked taking care of everything and everyone, and he always felt like he was a loser since he couldn't afford to take me on dates and stuff.

I didn't mind, honestly, but then he was regularly throwing pity parties for himself and promising me that he'd make his own money someday and treat me to all that fun stuff.

This wasn't a date but I guess it was a big deal for him.

I tense when I feel his hand on the small of my back but I do nothing to discourage him. I like the strength and the warmth that emanates from him, and for a second there, I allow myself to dream.

Imagine if we didn't go separate ways all those years back? Imagine if he knew about the baby and fought for us? Imagine if we brought up our little girl together and stuck by each other despite the opposing forces?

I swallow hard.

My parents had one job; not to ruin my life. They denied me love and my child. They robbed me off my future.

I can't stress enough how much my mom sucks.

"Are you cold?" Kane whispers when I shiver.

We're just stepping out of the restaurant and the weather is as colourful as always.

"A bit."

In response, he moves his hand from my back and encircles his arm around my shoulders.

I glance up at him in the moonlit night, and my heart beats evenly when I find his eyes already on me.

"I'll drive you home." He states simply, but I'm quick to shake my head.

"I'll take a cab. What, you didn't tag your driver along?"

"I figured you'd appreciate the privacy. Alli, seriously, let me take you home."

"No."

"Why not? You're in a new city and it's almost ten. I can't just leave you out here."

I firmly shake my head.

"I said no two times already."

He stops mid step, then he moves to stand right in front of me. I don't look away when our eyes hold in the subtle lighting.

"I want to see you home so I'll know you're safe. I'll feel better that way."

"You have so much worry in your voice. I know this is hard to believe, but I can get back home safe and sound."

His shoulders rise before they fall.

"I don't know...I don't want you to leave yet. I guess I'm just buying more time for us...."

"Kane-"

"I know we don't have a chance, and I probably won't see you after tomorrow, but I want you to know that I still love you. Desperately."

"Kane, we can't-"

"I know," he whispers, taking a very small step towards me, "but I can't help what I feel. You've been on my mind all these years, and seeing you again, having you right here with me drives me absolutely crazy. All I can think about right now is how badly I want to kiss you."

"I should go." I whisper.

"You should." He whispers back.

I lower my eyes to his lips, and the thought of having him kiss me makes my entire body tense with excitement and anticipation. It's like the feelings from the past are flooding every part of my being, and they're making me feel euphoric and lightheaded.

Everything about him still drives me bat s**t insane.

His eyes, however, are my undoing. They're intriguing and wild, and they remind of a time that we were senselessly in love with each other. His eyes have always been outstanding, and standing here under the moonlight with him gazing at me makes me feel like I'm sixteen all over again.

I died a little the minute I left him a decade ago, but right now, I have a small flutter in my heart that won't go away.

I can't think of a less cheesy way to say this, but he makes me feel alive.

But no. I won't kiss him.

I can't kiss him.

If I do, I won't be able to stop.

And I can't have Kane in my life without him knowing about our daughter. He's not as impulsive as I am, but this is a matter of life and death for me.

I plant my palms on his chest, and when I gently push him away, he hesitates for the shortest second before he steps back.

"I'm sorry. I can't." I murmur.

"It's okay. You don't have to apologize."

"When are you leaving?"

"The day after tomorrow. You'll call me, right?"

"I don't know-"

My phone ringtone cuts me off.

I mumble an apology as I fish it out of my bag, and I quickly answer it when I find out that it's Georgia.

"Georgia, hey?"

"Hey, are you home yet?"

"Not yet."

"I just wanted to let you know that I won't be in the house when you get back. I'll see you in the morning."

I frown at her tone.

"Are you sure you'll be fine?"

"Of course. I'm just babysitting one of my pupils for tonight."

"You're spending the night?"

"Yeah. I mean, Leigh can't just be left alone all night. She's barely ten. Her aunt had an emergency, so I'm here at her apartment to watch over the kiddo for her. She was very appreciative since she was getting desperate by the time she called me."

"But where are the girl's parents?"

"Indisposed."

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning, then."

"Sounds like a plan. How's the date so far?"

My eyes fleet to Kane who is watching me, his fingers absently playing with my free hand.

"Date's over already. I was just about to go home."

"Kane's driving you?"

"Nope."

"It's ten, Allison. Ask him to drive you home."

"Georgia, no! We talked about this!"

"I told you I don't live in the safest side of town, and it's two hours to midnight. Cabs are safe but having Kane drive you will be way safer. I know the place better than you do so don't be stubborn."

Ugh.

"Is that offer for a ride home still on?"

Kane cracks a small smile.

"Depends. Are you going to beg?"

*

"Is that the same Georgia that used to hangout with your brother all the time?" Kane inquires as he opens the door for me.

"The same one. You still remember her?"

"Of course. Did they finally get married?"

"Get married? They never even dated."

"Why not? I was under the impression they really liked each other."

"I guess they didn't, seeing as to that Georgia lives out here while Marcus is back home expecting a baby with his girlfriend."

Kane frowns as he wears his seatbelt.

"That's weird."

"Define weird?"

"It's either Marcus is an i***t or I'm not good at telling when two individuals are into each other. I don't understand why they're not together; unless Georgia moved here in the middle of the night like you did in our case." He shakes his head in confusion as he tries to start the car. "Oh, no..."

"What's going on?"

"You wanna know what's worse than your girlfriend moving away in the middle of the night?"

"Insufficient driving skills?" I joke when the engine just coughs before it dies.

He cusses under his breath, reaching to tug off his seatbelt.

"A dead engine. That's what."