Same as Yours

I trust in you..

    What is a trust? Is it a feeling of security into the unknown?  A part of a person that can't be easily given in a world full of doubts?

    Trust was something I could never give to someone before until a person came to my life and broke down my walls.

    My childhood wasn't a typical one nor different from the others.  I grew up in a loving and perfect family....that was I thought so until I reached the age of 14. I still remember that dreadful night when for the first time, a man broke my trust- my father. 

    He woke me up in the middle of my sleep. He cupped my mouth and whispered to me.

    "Shhh... quiet sweety, I'll leave, but I will come back for you, whatever has happened tonight, trust your old man, it wasn't me," then he left.

    I was so confused that I walked outside my room, finding the most horrible thing I had ever seen, my mom laying on the ground- badly beaten and almost left for dead. I screamed and screamed till help came to us.

    My mom survived the ordeal, and she recovered, but then she hated me; she hated my guts. She blamed me for asking help and told me I should've let her died that night, and also that day, she dropped to me the biggest secret that they've kept away from me; I wasn't hers, but my dad's fruit of infidelity from another woman.

    I couldn't believe at first, but then reality struck me, I realized we were not so perfect family, the times I thought she stood by me were not real, her affections were fake and loved she had shown was unnatural. All the warmth they had shown me wasn't genuine, after all.

    My dad neither returned home nor seen him again. I guess he was guilty about what he did to my "mom." 

    Once I clocked 16, I ran away as far as I could. Not that I was too old enough to fend off myself but to run away from my so-called mom. She tried to sell me out to the prostitution house. I couldn't believe she would do that to me, I was perturbed; that's why I decided to leave. 

    I ended up California, I was homeless for a while, but a lovely couple helped me have my life back. They gave me a roof and food to eat until I was able to stand on my own.

    I continued my studies until I finished my high-school. Luckily, the community college I was studying had another plan for me. They sent me to one of the prestigious schools in New York. I was a scholar, and they sent me there as an exchange student. I wasn't that bright but smart enough to penetrate the Ivy League school.

    My first two years were excellent. I've met people from different social circles. I was more interested in studying than in socializing. My goal was to finish school, get a good job, be successful, then maybe build my own family, the one I never actually had.

    It's cliché, but that was what I always wanted, and fate played on me well. 

    I met the man I never thought I would fall in love with. He broke down the walls around my heart I built for years. He taught me to trust myself, to move on and let go of my past.

    It happened one morning, I was in deep awe on one of the paintings hanging on our school wall. I have never seen anything like it before. The painter must be brilliant, I thought.

    Then a man stood next to me and boldly confessed how beautiful I look. My heart went summersault when I heard him; no one had ever told me how pretty I was except my dad.

    I was never into a relationship and not so good taking compliments. I didn't know what to say but thanked him then left. 

    Times passed, and he found out who I was. He sent me a message and asked me out. Reluctant as It may seem, but I gave in eventually.

    I learned more about him, he was a painter/ artist taking a business degree in a well-known school, which meant he was not just somebody, but he came from a reputable family.

    He persuaded me to go out with him; from then on, we were hooked on hip.

    I finally gave in and fell in love with him within a year of knowing him thoroughly and courtship. 

    He was everything to me. I believed him so much that I hadn't only given him my trust but my whole heart, body, and soul.

    I loved him despite his struggles and obstructions in life. He dreamed of becoming a very successful painter, he was ambitious, and I had no single fiber of doubt about him.

    He was a great artist, and his luck hasn't come yet, but I was willing to stand with him through ups and downs. Everything appeared perfect and working. Though we didn't fight that extensively, our relationship wasn't far from others.

    But I guess we were not perfect at all. I loved him, but I had to save myself. I needed to decide before it breaks me down again to pieces.

    I'd been so queasy those past few days and I no idea what was happening to me. Throwing up in the middle of the night, feeling sleepy and nauseous, I wanted to know what was wrong with me.

    I made an appointment with a doctor after my last class for the semester. I still couldn't believe I will be graduating too soon. One more year, though.

    I drove myself to the hospital. I settled myself in and waited for my name to be called.

    "Ms. Lana Jonhson?" The doctor's assistant called out my name. I went inside the office and met this lovely doctor. She asked me about my symptoms and told me that I had to get tested. 

The doctor's assistant took samples of my blood and urine and asked me to wait outside for the result. After some time, the doctor called me back

    "I've got your results Ms. Johnson" she began

    "Is there anything I have to be worried about?" I asked her. Was I sick? 

    "Not really, but Congratulations! You're eight weeks pregnant, Ms. Johnson," she said, smiling at me. 

    I was so startled that It took me a while to speak.

    "Are you okay? Don't you want to keep the baby? Are you looking for another option?" she asked me anxiously. 

    "Of course not, I mean Yes ahh...No, I'm keeping the baby!!, ahh... I'm keeping the ba-baby!!" I stuttered 

    I can see that she was trying not to laugh on my blabbering 

    "I was just too overwhelmed to hear this, but thank you." I apologized.

    She listed down and gave me the essentials that I needed to be healthy and strong for my baby. I was so excited to go home knowing that I won't be alone on this journey. I have the man of my dreams with me, and I will be pretty sure he will accept the this-our baby.

    It was quite a shock for me since we've always been using protection, but it's indeed a miracle. Anyhow, it was ours. 

    I went to his place and spent the night eating and talking. I didn't tell him right away about my condition. I just wanted to make sure how he would feel about it. I was sitting on the couch while his head on my thighs, like we always do when we talk. 

I asked about his plan after graduation, and he told me that he was planning to sell out some of his artworks in the city and do street exhibitions. I was so happy to know his dreams were finally coming true.

    I blurted out the topic of marriage and a baby, he already called me wifey most of the times, and I was genuinely confident about that, but when the issue was about the baby, his face suddenly changed. He looked lost.

    "Marrying you is my dream goal, but having a baby isn't part of it right now; I have so many plans, and I'm not ready for the responsibility," he answered 

    I was alarmed by his answer, but I didn't show him how I felt. I kept my tears at bay. I apologized for bringing out the topic. He panicky sat down and held my hands

    "Baby, I love you, but we are not yet ready, I'm graduating soon, and you have to finish another year in school, I would love to build a family with you, but not now, not until I'm successful, I hope you understand."

    a lone tear betrayed me

    I had an inner battle, successful? I do love him, but what if? , what if he didn't make it, what if he's not fated to succeed in the world of arts. Hormones were getting at me.

    "I love you too, but..."  I said

    "But what? don't you have faith in me, do you?" he said questioning me

    "I do! Your dreams are also my dreams. I will support you no matter what, to see you on top will also be my greatest achievement. All I want to know is what am I in your heart, in your life..." I answered him, wanting to know how he would take us in his life.

    "Of course you are more than enough in my life!, what I'm saying here is, a baby isn't my priority... Not should be our priority yet! We will get there, but not until we are ready, and you knew we are not!" 

    I did not doubt him, but his response concerned me now that a baby was coming along the way.

    Would he ask me to abort it or perhaps expect me to choose between him and the baby? 

    We can't hinder him from his dreams. No, I can't do any of that. I had to think. All I needed was to save    myself .. I can't be broken furthermore for the sake of little life growing inside me...

    "Don't you have trust in us?" He asked one last time.

    "I do!! I..i...It's just...ahh..do.dodon't mind it; it doesn't matter. Always remember that I love you," those were my last words to him.

    I wiped my tears. I Hugged him tight and kissed him hard. I made up my mind. We couldn't be with him, and I couldn't stay with him.

    I left the next morning while he was asleep.  

    I had no idea where to go, I went back to my apartment to get my things and run again as soon as possible, but I didn't expect the person I thought I would never see again- my father.

    All my troubles blew away when I saw him. He ran to me, and I hugged him tightly, begging not to leave me anymore. He promised me that he would never.

    I went with him to France, where I spent the whole ordeal of my pregnancy. It wasn't easy, I was always sick and tired, but luckily, I have my dad beside me. 

    I was so afraid throughout the stages. Perhaps because my love wasn't with me. I even left a letter next to my hospital bed before the birth procedure. 

    I told them that if any complications would happen to me, give it to him. I wrote my apologies and reasons for what I had to do this. With God's grace, I survived. I finally held my- our miracle.

    My miracle was growing too fast, the next thing I knew, he'd be celebrating his second birthday. I decided to leave him for a while with dad to finalize the details of his birthday party. Once I finished everything, I walked to the cafeteria next to my school, where my dad was waiting for me. 

    I took my little boy from him, bid goodbye to my dad, and went outside. 

    I was so stunned to see who was waiting and standing at the door. He seemed petrified to see me with someone. His eyes gazed all over my son's face. I could see his tears were welling up.

    Just like the old-time, all he could wring,

    "What's his name?"

    I smiled softly and whispered

    "Same as yours .."

~~END~~