CHAPTER 5
1647 Words
CHAPTER 5
Susannah’s soul was saturated with God throughout the singing. It wasn’t until the sermon started that her mind began to wander.
Her stubborn, unruly mind.
God, I’m trying to take every thought captive. I really am. I know I must be a terrible disappointment to you, but please help me focus instead of complaining about all these hopes that can never come true.
That’s what made it so hard, though. The fact that whatever she once had with Scott — or at least whatever her little girlish mind had thought she’d had with him — was nothing but a dream, an impossibility.
She handed Scott over to God four months ago. Four months ago, as an early autumn overtook the fields of Orchard Grove, as the leaves fluttered on the branches before surrendering to their inevitable fate, she sat on her mother’s bed, now empty, and poured out her heart to God. Told him that she was willing to give this man back to him.
She didn’t realize it at the time, but even as she voiced that prayer of relinquishment, she’d cherished the secret hope that God would see her sacrifice, that he would recognize her willingness to fully surrender to him, and just like he did with Abraham when he placed Isaac on that altar, God would swoop down and tell her, Never mind. I see now that you will obey me. You passed my test.
And she and Scott would live happily ever after.
She should have never gotten her hopes set so high in the first place. Hadn’t her mother tried to warn her? It wasn’t that her mom was against her relationship with Scott. Cautious, maybe, but what mother wouldn’t be? Susannah was only eighteen when they met, only a year out of high school. She’d never dated, never lived on her own.
But even though she urged Susannah to proceed with a heavy dose of prayer and discernment, her mom was happy that her daughter had found someone with such a heart for missions. Her only request was that Susannah wait before entering into any sort of official dating relationship until Scott came out to visit and meet them all, the whole family, face-to-face.
Toward the end, it turned out to be only semantics. Scott wasn’t her boyfriend, but she loved him. They weren’t engaged, but that didn’t stop them from dreaming about their future together.
A future serving God on the mission field.
You know, Lord, it’s ironic, she’d prayed. When you first called me to be a missionary, I kept waiting and waiting for you to tell me where I was supposed to go. I read all those biographies, studied the lives of so many servants of yours, and all of them seemed to know so clearly where you wanted them to minister. I waited for you to tell me, but you never did. And now I know why.
Who would have thought God would bring a man into her life who traveled around the entire world? A missionary to missionaries. That’s how Scott described his job. As their relationship grew deeper, as it began to feel more and more certain that they were meant for one another, it all started to make sense. Why God had never given her a specific region where he wanted her to serve. It was because he had plans for her to go into all the world. Literally. She wouldn’t be preaching the gospel in every single area she visited. Her role would be more like encouragement and prayer support for the missionaries serving with Kingdom Builders, but she’d be involved first-hand in the lives of hundreds of front-line ministers, and she’d be working alongside someone as godly and mature in his faith as Scott.
It was a nice plan for as long as it lasted. Now, those childish fantasies were no more than a source of perpetual embarrassment.
What was I thinking, God? How did you let me give my heart away to someone I’d never even met? I should have listened to Mom. I’m sorry. Will you forgive me now?
She never knew if she was supposed to keep begging for forgiveness until the guilt disappeared, or if she only had to ask once.
She’d done far more confessing in the last four months than in the past ten years combined.
She’d been foolish. That much was certain. Falling in love with a stranger, making plans for a future together before they’d even met. She was young, but was she really that naïve? How could you think you know someone well enough to make a life-changing commitment when you’ve never sat across the table together and shared a meal? Never held hands and prayed together? Never worshiped in the same church building or even the same time zone?
Scott was all the way out on the East Coast, and whenever he’d tried to fly out to Washington to visit her, something came up. Talk about a warning sign. God was telling her even back then that it would never work, but she was too stubborn to listen, too head-over-heels in love to pay him any heed.
I’m sorry, Lord. Please give me your wisdom so I don’t make such foolish decisions again.
She stared at the leather-bound Bible in her lap. She’d have no idea what Pastor Greg preached about by the time his sermon ended. Yet another sin she’d have to repent of later.
Some people had the gift of prayer or the gift of evangelism.
It appeared Susannah was gifted in confession. She certainly had made enough mistakes lately to give herself the extra practice.
She opened to the front page of her Bible. Her mom’s handwriting was so distinct Susannah could shut her eyes and still visualize the exact height of each curve, the angle of each slant.
To my sweet daughter on her graduation day. “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord.”
Love, Mom
That was it. No long, flowery letter, no lengthy prayer or written blessing. No poignant words of wisdom. Probably because at the time, Mom assumed she’d have decades to keep on teaching Susannah. Keep on mentoring her. Discipling her. Encouraging her in the faith.
Who would have guessed it would all end like this?
You knew, God. For some people, it’s comforting to believe that nothing happens out of your will. Unfortunately, Susannah didn’t see it that way. From her vantage point, God had known what was about to happen and had done absolutely nothing to warn her. To prepare her for the trials and heartaches ahead.
Everything had been going so well. Perfectly. Scott had finally found a free weekend when the Kingdom Builders wouldn’t need him for any last-minute trips. He’d booked a flight into Spokane. Susannah was giddy with excitement. It had been almost nine months since their first phone call. Who would have thought that what should have been a ten- or fifteen-minute interview would have turned into such a deep, abiding friendship?
And more than a friendship, even though her mom told her she wasn’t supposed to give away her heart until she’d met him face to face. Maybe Susannah hadn’t done a great job at that part, but she’d tried. And as excited as she was, she wasn’t the least bit worried about meeting Scott. There was nothing in her spirit warning her that he might not be the man she expected, the man she’d grown to love. Some things you just know, even if you don’t have a logical reason to explain why you’re so certain.
At least, that’s what she thought at the time as her whole family joyfully prepared to welcome Scott into their home for an extended weekend. Well, not quite into their home since he’d be spending the nights at the parsonage with the pastor and his wife, but it was basically understood that his waking hours would be with Susannah and her family.
She’d never felt so lucky, never thought before how proud she was to be part of such a loving, close-knit home. Even Derek, her stepdad of only a few months, asked dozens of questions about Scott’s likes and dislikes as he tried to plan a way for them to spend some man-to-man time together. When he heard Scott was a runner, he decided to invite him on the trail alongside the dried-up riverbed through Orchard Grove, and a few weeks before the visit Derek increased his regular workout routine so he could keep up with a “younger man.”
Nobody mentioned that Scott was closer to her stepdad’s age than he was to Susannah’s.
In the meantime, her mom had gone over meal plan after meal plan until she had every calorie for the weekend tracked down in her overstuffed daily planner. “Now, I know the two of you are going to want some time alone together, but the rules are just the same now as they were when you were in high school. No boys in the bedroom, and even when you want your privacy, it’s going to be with either Derek or me at home at all times, understood?”
Susannah was happy to accept her mother’s terms. She’d never kissed a boy before, never even held hands with one. And even though she didn’t want to be presumptuous enough to expect Scott to kiss her, she was simultaneously afraid he would try and terrified that he wouldn’t. How was it possible that they’d talked about the countries they’d visit as missionaries once they got married but they’d never discussed how physically affectionate they’d be when he came out to meet her and her family?
She glanced once more at her mother’s writing. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. God wasn’t surprised by any of the events of the past four months.
Father, I don’t mean to complain, and I’m sorry for being so ungrateful lately. But if you knew what was going to happen to my family, if you knew exactly what was coming, if it really was part of your plan for my life all along, couldn’t you have offered me some little warning sign?
Was that too much to ask?
She looked at the page again, but the message remained as succinct as before, and heaven as always was silent.
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