Pieces of Us

Chapter 1 Leo Shelton stood before the table, eyeing the provided snacks and beverages, feeling a desire to nibble on something more out of nerves than hunger. In the end, he selected a bottle of chilled water and two chocolate chip cookies, which he wrapped in a napkin. With a quick glance around the room to make sure no one was watching him, Leo ducked out into the hallway, escaping the hushed conversations. He located a bench and sat down, the cookies in his lap. He picked one up, breaking off a piece and shoving it in his mouth. His gaze went unfocused, the world blurring. Why do I keep coming here? Every time I tell myself it’ll be different, but does anything really change? They talk, I listen, then I walk out still a coward too afraid to share my grief. Who wants to relive tragedy? Do they sit there and judge me, wondering why I keep showing up? The support group had been a recommendation from his doctor, a way of telling him he needed to talk about the incident. Confront the issue; those were the words the doc chose. I confront the so-called issue every time I muster up the courage to leave my apartment. Why doesn’t he see that? Why don’t any of them? The world is a horrifying scary place and I would much rather stay locked in the safety of my house. But is that any way to live? Leo sighed, polishing off the first cookie. Apparently, he had more of an appetite than he thought. He began to pick at the second one, flinching when he heard the door open. Please just be going to the bathroom or leaving. Please leave me alone. Alas, it was not to be, someone approaching from his left. “May I sit here?” Leo shrugged. It wasn’t like he owned the bench. The person settled beside him. For a few minutes, they sat in complete silence, Leo crumbling his second cookie more than actually eating it. He balled up the remains in the napkin, clutching the tiny package in his fist. He licked his lips, wanting to pluck the bottle from the floor and take a drink. But already his heart was hammering at the close proximity of the other man. He was beginning to feel cornered and all the while, he understood that his anxiety was getting the best of him. Again. Tears born of frustration burned the backs of his eyes. He needed to get a grip. “You know you’re safe here with me, right?” the man spoke softly, encouragingly. Leo glanced sideways at him, realizing it was the man who led the group, Caleb Hart. Why is he out here? Is he going to try forcing me to talk about…about… A lump formed in his throat. Leo began to feel like he was choking. “Just breathe,” Caleb soothed. “In and out, close your eyes and just listen to your breathing.” Leo followed his instructions, having suffered from more panic attacks than he cared to admit. Thankfully, he always managed to keep the worst of them private, falling to pieces in the quiet safety of his apartment. Eyes shut, Leo took a deep, lung filling breath and let it out slowly. He repeated the process once, twice, a third time, feeling his chest tighten like someone had him in a bear hug. “Hey, I’m right here. It’s okay. Nobody is going to hurt you,” assured Caleb. A hand took his and Leo flinched, nearly yanking his hand free. Human contact, oh, how he missed it, and yet…The tears that threatened to fall finally sprung free, spilling past his eyelids and racing down his cheeks. Leo sucked in his bottom lip, biting down on it to silence the sob that wanted out. Stop…please stop… “Leo.” That was all it took, the care and concern in the way Caleb said his name was just too much. Leo opened his eyes, pulled his hand free, and practically jumped to his feet. The napkin, forgotten, slipped from his hand, leaving a scattering of crumbs on the tiled floor. He didn’t waste another minute in the community center, making a beeline for the exit. Behind him, Caleb yelled his name, but made no attempt to run after and catch him, letting him go. Leo burst out the door into the twilight glow, walking briskly in the direction of his car, head down to avoid meeting the eye of anyone he should cross paths with, though the parking lot was empty. Leo climbed into his car, instantly hitting the door lock. He wiped the tears away, roughly, with the back of his hand. You’re twenty-nine, you should be acting like an adult. Suck it up, just like everyone says. Get over it. Oh, but how? These meetings are supposed to help make things easier and yet…Of course, I might find them more beneficial if I bothered to actually participate. Part of him wanted to be that courageous, to open up the wound that cut so deep and share it with those who might understand how he was suffering. They’d experience heartbreaking, gut-wrenching agony, just as he had. But still, none of them had gone through the same situation. Their grief, their pain, it wasn’t any less than his, but the circumstances were different. And perhaps, deep down, he was afraid they would pity him and he definitely didn’t want that. Twisting the key in the ignition he turned down the radio until it was a soft murmur. It was odd, the fear of being alone with his thoughts, yet his inability to let the world back in. Movement caught his attention. Caleb, gaze scanning the lot, focusing on him. Leo fought the urge to throw the car into gear and back out before Caleb could reach him, to pretend like he never saw him. For some reason, however, he stayed. Maybe this is what they call a glimmer of hope. Maybe I’m not quite as lost as I think. Leo powered down the window as Caleb approached. He became acutely aware of every single beat his heart took, waiting for it to give out on him completely one of these days. At least all your problems will be solved then. “Can I talk to you for a minute or two?” Caleb asked, holding up his hands in a gesture of surrender. He kept his distance, staying a few feet back from the car. “I understand if you say no.” “Go ahead.” He kept his distance, respectfully. “You’ve been coming to these meetings for a while now, but not saying anything. I can tell you’re hurting, that you’re in turmoil and desperately searching for a way free. I may be stepping over the line here, however, I have this strong urge to tell you, don’t give up. Please, Leo, keep fighting. You don’t have to utter a single word here ever, just as long as you keep showing up.” A fresh wave of tears welled in Leo’s eyes, ready to spill forth at the drop of a hat. “I’ve been doing this a while now and maybe group therapy isn’t exactly where you feel safe,” continued Caleb, his tone even, concerned. “If you’ll let me, I want to try a different tactic. Would you be up for that?” Leo’s heart pounded, the squeeze of panic working its way back in. He didn’t quite know what to say, his tongue plastered to the roof of his mouth. “Think about it, okay? Think about it and let me know at the next meeting.” “Okay,” Leo managed to muster.