d**k by Law

Chapter 5

5One week later, after Simon had jumped through the right hoops at the Strayer-Roland department store, Zeke and Greg returned to his house. They brought him a brand new washing machine pedestal, a vast improvement over the wreckage they'd delivered the first time around.

Everything seemed to be squared away, and everyone was happy. But then it happened.

One minute, Simon was admiring the new pedestal on the laundry room floor, all gleaming white and perfect in every way. He was feeling good now that Strayer-Roland had finally sent him what he'd ordered.

The next minute, Greg the emaciated delivery guy was screaming his lungs out.

"The f**k?" Tattooed Zeke, who'd been fussing with some paperwork, whipped around with clipboard in hand.

At first, Simon couldn't see what the problem was. Greg was hunkered down behind the washing machine, disconnecting the hookups in preparation for installing the pedestal.

But the problem soon became clear. Still screaming, Greg leaped out from behind the washer, clutching his left arm. Blood poured from his left wrist, streaming onto the floor.

"What the f**k did you do?" said Zeke.

"I was...using a box cutter...to slice off those zip ties." Greg clenched his teeth, sucking back another scream. "Fuckin' thing got away from me!"

Suddenly, Josie loomed in the kitchen doorway in her blinding pink t-shirt du jour. "Holy s**t!"

"Call nine one one!" said Simon.

"f**k that!" said Zeke. "I'm drivin' him to the emergency room!"

Greg stood in the middle of the room, dripping blood on the new white pedestal. "Finish the installation. I'll drive myself." He choked back another scream and headed for the back door.

"Just wait for the ambulance." Simon saw Josie in the doorway, pulling her cell phone from a front pocket of her bright yellow shorts. "And hurry up with that nine-one-one call, Jo!"

"Forget it!" Zeke shook his head. "This isn't your problem."

Simon pushed past him and scooped a towel from a laundry basket in the corner. "Too late for that." He wrapped the towel as tight as he could around Greg's arm. "Now hold this in place."

"It fuckin' hurts!" Greg let loose a piercing cry and fell against the side of the washing machine.

"Boss!" Josie flipped her cell phone shut. "Ambulance is on its way!"

"Hang in there." Simon tied a shirt around Greg's upper arm and cinched it tight.

Greg sank to his knees. Tears were flowing from his eyes. "I don't wanna die! Please God, don't kill me!"

Simon heard the ambulance siren in the distance. He turned to look out the window...and Zeke thrust his clipboard in front of him.

"Before we go," said Zeke, "could you just initial beside the red X's?"

"What?" Simon was distracted by Greg's latest round of screams.

Zeke raised a black pen and clicked the button with his thumb, popping out the tip. "Beside the red X's, please. Just acknowledging we were here."

Greg was still wailing. Simon took the pen.

"Just a formality, dude," said Zeke. "CYA makes the world go round."

Two hours later, Greg and Zeke were gone. So was most of the bloody mess, thanks to the In¢entive$ crew.

Josie, Chip, and Ankha had all pitched in to help Simon mop and wipe up the blood Greg had left behind. By the time they'd finished, the only trace of the incident was the heap of bloody towels in the drum of the washing machine.

"Awesome work, you guys." Simon closed the washer's glass door and set the controls on the digital front panel. "I can't thank you enough."

"A raise is the perfect gift for any occasion, you know." Chip clinked the neck of his beer bottle against Josie's, then Ankha's. He took a swig, then snagged a fresh bottle from the laundry table in the corner, uncapped it, and dropped the cap in the pocket of his red and gold bowling shirt.

"How about an increase in my admiration and gratitude?" Simon pressed the "on" button, and the machine chimed softly. Turning his back, he reached for the open bottle of beer Chip offered him.

"I think we'd settle for less admiration and more money," said Ankha.

"Hear, hear!" Josie pumped her beer bottle in the air, then drained it in one chug.

"Be that as it may," said Simon, "my admiration continues to exceed your paychecks." He raised his bottle high and let his gaze drift over each of them in turn--first Ankha, then Chip, then Josie. "I cannot thank you enough for helping me here today. Once again, you've gone above and beyond the call of duty."

"Yo ho ho, Captain!" Chip raised his bottle to his eye like a telescope. "Yer the scurvy blackguard what keeps this pirate ship of ours afloat!"

Suddenly, Josie gasped and pointed at the floor. "Keeps it sinking, is more like it!"

When Simon looked down, he saw sudsy water rushing around his feet, pouring out from under the washer. "What the hell?"

Chip ducked between the washer and the wall for a look. "Turn it off! Do it now!"

Simon smacked the power button with the flat of his hand. The washer chimed twice and shut off. "What's going on?"

Chip looked out from behind the washer. "The delivery guys didn't hook up the drain hose!"

"s**t!" Simon splashed through the soapy water, which was still pouring out from under the machine. The entire granite gray linoleum tile floor was already swamped, and the tide was moving into the kitchen.

When Simon looked behind the washer, he saw the water's source: it gushed from a black rubber hose that Chip was fighting toward a drain in the wall.

"It's what Greg was doing when he cut himself!" Chip wrenched the hose hard to the left, then pushed it inside the recessed box cut into the wall three feet up from the floor. Aligning it with the drain hole in the base of the box, he stuffed the hose inside. "He hacked off the zip ties holding it in place, but he never put it back!"

"And I didn't think to check it." Simon winced.

"Which reminds me," said Chip. "Could somebody bring me some zip ties?"

Simon sloshed across the room, heading for the back door. "This floor is ruined. Not to mention the kitchen floor."

"Hey, Boss." Josie handed him a fresh beer. "Were any children hurt?"

Simon sighed. "Nope."

"And the world didn't end, did it?" Josie swept her arm across the doorway, taking in the world outside.

"I guess not." Simon took a swig of beer.

"Then go get your zip ties." Josie pushed him out the door. "And get your ass back here, 'cause there's a mop with your name on it!"

"Because I own it," said Simon as he hiked across the yard.

"Details, details," said Josie.