Ask and I'll Tell

Chapter 3-3

The taxi took a shortcut back to the hotel. Pad didn’t speak once they got in the taxi. Chaz’s words, meanwhile, ran on repeat in his head. After they were dropped off, they both walked in silence to the elevator and then to their suite. RJ put his hotel key on the counter as they walked in, then grabbed a bottle of Singha beer from the stocked refrigerator.

RJ offered a bottle to Pad, but Pad waved it off.

“You haven’t spoken one word since we left that club.” RJ took a seat in the living room, legs on the coffee table and twisted off the beer top.

Pad nodded, sat across from him “Oh? Sorry. Just tired. Had a great time, though.”

“Really?” RJ asked. “Because my impression was you didn’t like either club we went to.”

“Well, I definitely didn’t like the first bar. What were those girls like fourteen or fifteen? I don’t care if that’s the age of consent, I just think they’re too young.”

“So it was the age of the girls that bugged you, huh?”

“That, among other things. And as for Chaz and Ann. They seemed nice. I mean to each his own, right?”

“You don’t have any problems that Chaz is with Ann?”

“Why should I? I barely know the guy and she seemed nice.” Pad stood to get water. “Why does it bother you, RJ? Did you guys have something back in college?”

“No. It was never like that. He’s a good friend. I just never thought he would like someone like Ann. I’ve always felt comfortable being myself around Chaz. He seems to be the same person. Just shocked that he’s with Ann, that’s all.”

Pad looked at RJ, who turned, avoiding eye contact. RJ got up, walked next to him, and opened the refrigerator. “This fridge is stocked with some wine too. Want some?”

He doesn’t want to talk about it. Whatever’s bothering him.

Pad shook his head. “No. Done drinking tonight.”

RJ faced Pad and c****d his head in resignation. He opened his mouth to say something but then stopped. After a second, he said, “All right, good night then.”

Before he reached his room, Pad stopped. “You said what happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok, right?

RJ nodded.

“RJ, you know I’m gay, right? I feel like I can tell you this because what Chaz said you did earlier in college. So you know whatever you and Chaz have or had doesn’t bother me, but if you came here to spend time with Chaz then don’t feel like you have to pretend to be something different around me. I won’t tell.”

Pad walked to his room and partially closed the door. As Pad started taking off his shirt, RJ knocked on the door. Pad faced RJ, who continued the conversation.

“I did want to see how Chaz was. He had these feelings for me in college, and he wanted to act on it. I never let him. I didn’t want to screw up our friendship. He stopped talking to me for a long time when he found out that I would get drunk and fool around with other guys, guys I didn’t have any emotional attachment to. That’s his theory anyway.” He leaned hard on the doorjamb. “Chaz treated my fooling around with other guys as a rejection. I’m not sure he understood that I wasn’t rejecting him but I just wanted him as a friend.”

Pad kicked off his shoes before he responded. “I understand. One of my best friends, Jack, everyone thinks he and I should have fooled around, or they think we’ve already fooled around, but I think of him as my brother.”

“I don’t know, Pad. I knew he was seeing someone. And, frankly, I don’t know what I wanted from him because I don’t love him or anything. I guess I just wanted to see him to make sure we were cool.”

RJ stopped talking. Pad looked up after he took his socks off and wiped the cotton remnants that appeared on the edge of one of his toes. RJ looked at him without comment and Pad held his stare for a moment.

“Good night, Pad. I’m glad you’re here in Bangkok.”

“Pleasant dreams,” said Pad, almost in a whisper.

RJ then walked back to his room and turned off the lights in his bedroom.

Pad took off his pants, then replayed RJ and Chaz’s conversations from earlier, including Chaz’s words of advice to him. He had never guessed that RJ was gay. Never even fathomed that his crush had come to Bangkok not just for “tail” but to make peace with someone he obviously cared about. Pad spent the next few minutes deciding what he should do next. He heard traffic below, but nothing else interrupted the quiet of the suite.

Naked except for boxers, he walked to RJ’s room. His bare feet didn’t make a sound. He couldn’t see where RJ was when he first entered, but then he realized that RJ lay in bed.

“RJ?” Pad went over and sat on the side of the bed.

“Hey, Pad,” RJ whispered as he sat up, edging his feet closer to the middle of the bed so Pad could sit. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry about you and Chaz. Maybe you should talk it out with him.”

“You’re sweet, Pad. Chaz is happy. I can tell. And, there’s nothing to talk about with him. He wanted something more, and I didn’t. Just talking about it, with you, made me realize that everything is okay. Back then, I wasn’t ready to shout I was gay. It’s hard for me to say it out loud like this, but it is. In college, I was too afraid of what my frat brothers would say if they found out. Worried about my parents finding out and disowning me. And I didn’t want to mess up my ROTC scholarship. I should be happy for Chaz. And I am.”

“So you’re cool now about Chaz? Because you didn’t sound like it earlier.”

“Pad, he took a chance with someone and he’s happy for it. I only wish I took chances more often. But, you know, it’s tough wanting to fly in the military, and being gay at the same time.” RJ stared back at him. He started to say something, then stopped.

“What is it, RJ?”

“Nothing.”

If you don’t take a chance, you never know, right?

Pad sat there. Silence intervened. RJ continued to look at him. Pad placed his hand on RJ’s bare chest, pushed slightly on it, and moved closer. His eyes now on RJ, whose own eyes widened, Pad froze for a second, but then leaned closer.

“Come here, Pad,” RJ hissed. Pad felt RJ’s hand on his jaw, and RJ brought their faces fingertips apart. “Is this what you want?”

Pad nodded.

RJ held Pad’s face, pressed his lips on Pad’s, then bent his head to the side. RJ’s five-o’clock shadow grated on his cheek. Pad felt RJ’s tongue enter, felt the tender softness of RJ’s lips and tongue dance with Pad’s own. Pad darted his tongue in and out and tried to match RJ’s intensity. He realized that RJ was an expert, while he was a neophyte, and let RJ take control.

“No regrets, right?” RJ laughed as he threw open the covers. “Why don’t you scoot in here so we can become more familiar with each other?”