Artemia: Journey To The Thirtieth Floor

52. Attachment To Home

"Ivory..." Yuki called when we got back inside the camp.

She tweaked the barrier a little so that it could let me in. In all honesty, Yuki doesn't have to explain anything because I know why it didn't let me in. It tends to reject unknown presences. And since the demon blood within me awoke, it refused to let me inside the camp. It's not that hard to understand, so it doesn't really matter to me, but it seems like Yuki can't stop thinking about it.

I sighed and motioned her to sit beside me on the couch. The twins left to allow us to talk privately, even though Enkai seemed to have something to say. I uttered my thanks to them before they could leave the hut. They're probably going to guard the cabin as well, considering the number of people that wanted to pry in our business.

"Yuki," I called, and she flinched. "You're probably guilty because of everything that I said inside my mind. I know you heard them when I was staying in the mountain."

She looked down as she played with her fingers. "The fact is that my thoughts were muddled at the moment. Yes, I did hear your thoughts, but I couldn't fully comprehend them since I was having trouble comprehending them. The moment wherein Scylla was transforming, and Charybdis sank into the water kept replaying like a movie inside my mind..."

"I knew that much, Yuki." And I also know that Fuyumi's statements created another inner conflict for her.

"But, I must express my regret for failing to attend to you when I was aware that you need my help..." she trailed off, looking directly into my eyes. "With Sai and Kai out of the picture, the person who should be looking after you is me. The one who led you here is me, and I'm in desperate need of your assistance. It's only reasonable for me to want to make sure you're not in any trouble. However, I was not there..."

I chuckled as I tapped her back. "It's okay, Yuki. I was able to survive, and that's the only thing that matters. You know what, I think you need to take a good rest. There are plenty of things going on inside your head at the moment. You need to clear your mind first and foremost."

Yuki sighed as she lay on her bed, covering her eyes with her hands. She seemed to be in deep thought, so I decided not to bother her in the meantime. I'm pretty sure that she needs some time to sort her thoughts. As for me, I need to stay away from people for as much as I can. Although I want to socialize and get them to trust me, that's not the best approach since I'm still unsure if I can control myself or not.

There was a little pond near our hut that wasn't too popular. People rarely go here, so I thought it would be the best hiding spot. And I was right because it was hella empty. No one was fishing or chilling here despite the comfortable atmosphere. Maybe they're busy training and honing their skills, so it's understandable that they don't have time to relax. Not to mention the ones that are still bedridden due to injuries.

I closed my eyes as I dipped my legs into the water. I'm comfortable because it's really clean, and there are no dangerous fish here! Well, at least that's what I was told. Kai said that people are just not fond of relaxation, so they're missing a lot. I mean, we're at war! Of course, they would rather train themselves to avoid getting themselves killed.

And then I remembered Yuki. I closed our telepathy off to avoid crashing into her thoughts. There's so much pressure on her shoulders, so no wonder she has to remain rational at all times. But lately, that doesn't seem to be the case. I understand, though. Her trauma was triggered after meeting Leon, and then she saw her friends turn into monsters that only know how to kill and destroy. If it was me, I would have gone crazy long ago.

"Yuki and I are really different, huh? I thought we were similar in a lot of aspects. Turns out, that's not the case at all..." I whispered as I played with the water.

There was a small fish swimming in the pond, looking all sullen. It was all alone, and it was barely moving, even though it was alive. I stared at it, wondering why it didn't hang out with the others. And then, I saw how different it was from the others that were on the bottom of the pond. It was golden while the others were a bit plain.

"Golden Child, huh..." I muttered. "Yuki must have felt this way before. Heh, I knew Yuki and I were never the same."

"You're two different people, after all."

I stiffened when I heard Kasai's voice from behind. Out of embarrassment, I stood up and attempted to run away. Unfortunately, he was fast enough to grab my hand. He was holding my wrist gently, but I knew that he had no plans on letting me go. I don't know what he was planning, but I doubt that I'd want to entertain him at this state.

"What's the matter?" he asked as he tried to see my face.

I refused to look at his face, afraid that I would see Blake in him again. "Nothing. I have to go, so please let-"

"We didn't forsake you," I looked at him when he muttered those words, feeling guilty after all the thoughts that I had. "We had already left the camp before the sun went down to seek for you. Unfortunately, we were unable to find you on the beach."

"Yes, I know. Kasai, I'm not dumb. That much, I am already aware of," I cut him off because he was just reiterating what Yuki said.

He shook his head as his eyes twinkled. "When we were unable to find you, we urged that Princess Yuki search for you using your connections. Unfortunately, she was unable to determine your whereabouts due to a barrier preventing you from using your telepathy. Because the princess could only faintly hear your thoughts, we had no option except to explore for possible locations where you may be."

I felt guilty for running away just like that and thinking that they had left me. Maybe there's something wrong inside my head, a loose screw, perhaps! The 'real' Ivory should have known that they are also my friends. Just like Freya, Blake, and Dylan, they wouldn't abandon me. But my mind was clouded by stuff that I couldn't control.

Kasai wasn't speaking, and neither was I. After everything that happened, I feel like I also need to clear the mist that's still inside my head. My judgments are not as rational as before, and my feelings are affected by other people's actions. This isn't me. Although it might seem to be too much, I think I have lost my very own identity. That's why I should return to the old me...

I looked at Kasai. "Uhm, maybe I'm too late, but I...I need to say sorry for acting like that instead of choosing to act accordingly."

"Please do not express regret. You should be aware that you did nothing wrong and that no one is holding you responsible for anything. You are the victim right now because you become engaged in something you did not want to be involved in."

Kasai sounded so sincere when he said that, which made me think about Blake again. If he was here, he would have said the exact same thing. My Blake would tell me over and over again that I shouldn't blame myself over something that I couldn't control. Dylan would give me a pat on the head and make me feel secure while I was crying. As for Freya, she would cuddle me for as long as I wanted while she listened to my worries.

My lips trembled as I imagined how my friends would have reacted if something was bothering me. Tears slowly ran down my cheeks, which made Kasai panic. He kept looking everywhere as if there would be someone to help him calm me down. But there was no one around, so he had no choice but to pull me into a hug.

"Blake..." I cried as I held onto his shirt.

"Eh? Blake? Who? What?"

When I didn't respond, Kasai slowly caressed my hair, something Blake has always done. Because of that, I cried even more as I reminisced all of those moments. The memories just kept flooding in, making me cry louder than I should have. But I can't help it! Those people are my home, after all. The feeling of being at home...

"Please accept my apologies! Please, Ivory, tell me what I did wrong. I-"

"What you did to her?!"

"I didn't do anything!"

"If that's the case, then what gives?! Why is she crying?!"

"Please do not ask me! Ivory started crying loudly! I was only trying to console her!"

"Get the hell away from her!"

"How? She's clinging to me!"

I cried harder because the way they shouted at each other was exactly how Blake and Dylan bicker. I never expected that I'd be crying because I miss hearing them argue. Oh, gosh. I remember saying I wish they would never fight again, but here I am...wanting to witness their fights all over again. Because I couldn't stop crying, the twins panicked as they were unable to pacify me.

"Shh, shh. I sincerely apologize for any offense caused by whatever I stated. Please, don't cry. Water? A glass of water, is that what you need? I'll...I'll go get some! Wait here!" Kasai told me as he held my cheeks.

I sniffed as I slowly let him go. My sobs stopped as I dried my tears. Kasai and Enkai were staring at me, waiting patiently for my next moves. I pursed my lips to stifle a smile, but I failed. These two were genuinely worried about me, and it shows. That's why I am going to stop doubting every single one of them from now on. They deserve my trust! Besides, how can I work with them properly if I can't even get myself to fully rely on them?

The twins were confused when they saw me laughing, but they were finally able to breathe. They looked like they were in a horror movie earlier, looking constipated and all, so I couldn't help it! I think it's funny to see that they were trying their best to help me calm down in a gentle way. I wonder how my Blake and Dylan would have reacted if they saw me like this...

I took a deep breath before smiling at the two. "Thank you for not leaving me. Uhm, I'm fine now! I just miss home," I told them with a genuine smile.

Enkai tilted his head to the side as he stared at me, pouting a bit. "What exactly is home for you?" he asked.

"My friends," I answered simply.

I didn't think they would prod me more about it because it's something trivial. Hmm, if anything, that was probably an answer that people wouldn't expect. Most people would talk about a house or a place that they love. But for me, home is something that can provide comfort and warmth. That's why my home...is a person. And those people that I call home are the most important people in my life. I will never sacrifice them...

Others may call this an exaggeration, but I am only able to find warmth in my friends. We had a house back on Earth, plenty of them even! I had a place that I lived in with my parents when I was a child, but that was before they passed away. After losing my parents, I lived in the one which was Freya's house. Wait, I think it was her parents'. Our apartment when we started college. There were also the inns and places when we entered Artemia. There are too many of them, but I could never truly call them home.

"Ivory," Kasai called as he sat beside me. "If it's not too much to ask, can you tell us about your friends?"

Enkai also sat beside me. "I want to know why you consider them as your home as well."

I pouted as I kept swinging my feet on the water. "They give me warmth and comfort. That's all."

"Is that how you define home?" Kai asked, staring at me. He seemed to be really curious about what I said, which I found cute.

I nodded. "Do you think it's ridiculous?"

He deliberately shook his head. "I think your definition is beautiful."

Kasai poked my cheek, so I looked at him. "What?" I asked as I raised a brow.

"Do we...not emanate the same feelings of safety? Is this the reason you were crying?"

"If you want me to be honest, then my answer is yes, you don't. And I was crying because I missed home, not because of you guys. It's normal to feel homesick, right?"

He nodded, but I could see him pouting. "What can we do to persuade you to see us as a home? What type of comfort do you want us to provide?"

I shook my head, chuckling a little. "That I cannot do."

Enkai held my hand as he stared at me. "Why? Please tell us..."

"We want to learn all we can about you, Ivory, and we'll do everything we can to offer you whatever you want..." Kasai seconded.

"I'm sorry, but it's still a no. Everything will slowly disappear, so I can't do that..."

They went silent. Ah, I guess they're aware of everything that's going to happen soon. I felt bad, knowing that Yuki and I were the ones leading everyone to their doom, but we didn't have a choice. There's no backing down now that we are already headed that way. We can't cause more casualties than we already have, after all. But I do wish that we could just stop and enjoy the very last moments that we're together.

"Ah, you're here!"

Yuki ran towards us, almost slipping because of the wet ground. Kasai quickly helped her sit beside us, so we grew quiet while watching them. I feel weird because it feels like I'm watching Blake and myself, but I tried to shrug those thoughts off. Enkai, on the other hand, was clenching his jaw out of jealousy. Ah, these people...

"I wondered where you three are," Yuki began as she dipped her legs on the water. "There was something I needed to say."

I was curious, but inside...I was begging for it to be good news because I don't think I'd be able to stomach seeing another tragedy right after the last one...