Imprinting on a nun

5

When I was five years old I developed a skill.  It was a cold windy day and because we were poor I didn’t know what warmness meant in the winter.  There was always unwelcoming coldness seeping in somewhere through the few clothes I wore.  So I learnt how to make a fire.  I was elated when red sparks jumped from the wood I was rubbing violently against each other.  I finally found something I could do for myself.  As my dad went away alot, working, drinking and having s*x with homeless woman.  That’s how he got stuck with me, but luckily he learned his lesson being more protective because I don’t have any siblings.  Or so it seems.  

On my sixth birthday my dad bought me a beer.  I didn’t think much about it, but being so poor, I learned to always be thankful.  I didn’t drink it until a few months after, when there was no water coming out of the taps.  I was desperate so I chugged the bitter taste down my throat and afterwards I threw it all up. So I suffered for two and a half days without any water and only a raw potato, I nibbled on.  My dad said he was on a business trip.  When I was seven, my eyes wandered through our small cracked window, occasionally, seeing kids walking with their mother’s, hand in hand, towards school.  Dad said he couldn’t afford school so I stayed at home, finding entertainment in watching other’s lives.  At eight a woman knocked on my door and after several minutes I opened to see her waiting, patiently with a gentle smile.

“Hello, young lady.” I swallowed.  I didn’t know how to communicate, so I just let my head fall down.

“You’re very pretty.” her voice was like sugar and I wanted more so I shyly smiled at her.

“I also have a little girl,” she was shrieking it excitedly making my eyes light up, “and a boy.” Dad always said that I should stay away from boys.  They are trouble.  And at that moment as I eyed the woman with uncertainty, my dad arrived.  His hair was slicked back with natural oil and like always the smell of alcohol and smoke surrounded him.  I could see the woman turn up her nose.

“Who’s this?” I asked, his eyes jumping from me towards the woman.

“I’m Cecilia.” she announced making dad nod in boredom. He stood there with slumped shoulders, waiting for Cecilia to speak again.

“I was wondering if your daughter can come eat dinner with us.”  

I licked my lips at the thought of dinner.  Dinner reminded me of something warm and I eagerly wanted something nice and warm.

Without hesitation my dad answered with a curt ‘sure’.  I felt excited as Ceciala grabbed my hand, making me speed walk with her.

She only lived three houses away and her house almost looked like ours except there were no windows with holes and cracks.  She introduced me to her daughter and she was just as shy as me.  Golden curls stood wildly around her head and she had the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen.

“Why don’t you go show her your dollhouse, Maragret?” Cecilia asked, trying to make me comfortable.  Margret grabbed my hand with a toothy grin and led me to a room, I suppose was her’s even though it was half pink and half blue.

“Me and my brother are sharing a room,” she mumbled and that was the first time I heard someone lisp, “What is your name?” she asked and it's as if she gained more confidence away from her mother.

“Charlie.” I answered and she giggled.

“Isn’t that a boy’s name?”

“What is a boy’s name?” a boy asked entering the room and I assumed that it was her brother.  He had dark curly hair and he seemed alot older than me and Margaret.

“Ask her what’s her name? She asked, continuing to giggle.  The boy sniffed and I couldn't help but admire him.  He had green eyes.  The kind that you rarely see on people.

“How old are you?” he asked, ignoring his sister’s question.  He stared at me with intense eyes and I struggled to open my mouth.  So with a deep breath I tried to answer as casually as possible.

“Eight.”

“Tomatoes belong in the fridge.” he said in a sing-song voice and I could feel my face heating up even more, so I dropped my head.

“Look,”  Margaret excitedly showed me a barbie doll with thick blonde curls and blue eyes, “We can name her Charlie.” and I couldn’t remember the last time my smile turned so bright. We played and with every chat we had, we both broke each other’s shyness and when her mother called us, she stated that I’m her best friend.

“You guys ready to eat?” Cecilia asked and I noticed a man on the table, reading a newspaper.

“Yes, I’m hungry as a horse.” the boy exclaimed, making me frown.  Hungry as a horse? 

“Go wash your hands kids.” Margaret and the boy run towards the bathroom and I follow behind them. They massage their hands with a bar of soap passing it on until I receive it all brown and muddy.  I swiped the soap up and down, letting the water rinse off all the dirtiness. I slowly made my back towards the kitchen to see a table filled with steaming food.  We all sat around the table, held hands and said a prayer. I took the first bite and I’ve never tasted anything like it before.  It was warm and cheesy.  All the other bites I took were fast and greedy and I knew that it couldn’t have been so decent but I didn’t care.

“What’s your name young girl? The man asked, trying to make small talk.

“Charlie.” I say, my mouth full.

“But that’s my name.” the boy said with a big frown upon his face.

“Lots of other people have the same name as you, Charlie.”  Cecilia said with raised eyebrows.

“Yeah but I’m a boy and she’s a girl.” 

“Some names can go to both genders.” Cecilia snaps, making his head drop and eat his food with long bites.

“How old are you, Charlie?” the man continued asking me questions.

“Eight,”

“I’m six.” Margaret announced, “and he’s ten.”

I only smiled until I was took back to my own house, Margaret walking with me and Cecilia this time.  When we arrived at my house dad came out and while me and Margaret started playing, Cecilia and my dad had murmured conversations and all I could make out was the word school.  The very next day I got enrolled in school. I

At nine I could read without any struggling.  The teacher said I was the best in class. I also solved math problems better than other all because I practiced.  I didn’t know how long it would last to have the privilege to go to school. So I gained all the knowledge I could by books I lended at the school’s library.  I even went to the public library, with the help of Cecilia.  I tried to solve math problems day and night.  Cecilia also made sure my stomach was full often and as for that my dad also did more in the house, like cook meals, which wasn’t exactly the best I’ve ever had.

I won a spelling-B competition when I was ten years old.  One that was organized for sixteen year old’s.  My dad bought me a cake, which I shared with Margaret and Charlie.   Dad also brought home a woman. Her name was Jane. She didn’t just come for me to never see her again.  She came every second day.  She had  auburn hair wavy just above her shoulders and yellow eyes.  She said she had a superpower, but never wanted to tell me what. We grew close, until she and my dad got in a fight and he almost smashed an empty beer bottle across her face.  She still came to visit me, but not so often like she did.

At eleven I received my first kiss. I got it from Charlie in their backyard.

“Charlie and Charlie, sitting in the tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G.” Margaret sang coming up from behind us.  I was so ashamed and embarrassed that she caught us.

“Come here, you little skunk.” he chased her and called her names just as much as she called him names.  I was red as a tomato.  Humiliated, but later that day I laughed it off, I guess to calm my embarrassment.  I didn’t like Charlie in a romantic kind of way.  He was more like a best friend to me.  Even closer than Margaret.

“Do you like my brother?” she asked a week after me and Charlie had our first kiss.  We ignored each other that week.

“Not really.” I murmured.  I didn’t want to talk about it.

Jane visited me on my twelve birthday.  She brought me a necklace made out of real gold.  She told me that it represented my heart, which is made out of cold.  She told me the next year she would buy me a diamond to hang from the necklace’s chain but in the meantime I have to keep it safe. I never took it off my neck.  I held it as if it was a part of me.

“You look lovely.” My dad commented once when I wore a pink summer dress, Cecilia gave me.

“Thanks, aunty Cecilia gave it to me.”  I spinned in a circle with a big smile on my face. And after that day it was as if my dad snapped.  Snapped into a better person.  The old fridge and cabinets got filled with food.  My dad let people come and fix all the windows.  He painted outside and inside and he bought me a better bed with lots and lots of fluffy blankets.  Dad smiled at me more as if he was admiring who I became. And I was admiring who he became in a blink of an eye.

“Dad?” I whispered one morning when I brought him a cup of tea.  I didn’t know if he was awake or not, so I walked up, next to his bed.

“Hey dad.” I said, seeing him staring at the ceiling.  He didn’t blink.

“Dad?” I poked him with my small finger and I noticed how cold his skin was.  I stood there staring at it for several minutes unable to generate any kind of thought in my mind.

“Dad.” I said once more before I finally ran out of the house towards Cecilia’s  On the way there my heart got icy and I was mad.  Mad at my dad for leaving me.

“My dad’s dead.” I said so emotionlessly that I sometimes wonder if Cecilia maybe thought that I killed him.  A week after it was his funeral and I didn’t cry.

“Happy birthday.” the words irritated me more than (insert the thing that irritates you the most).  At parties that I attended, in coffee shops.  I inwardly shuddered each time I heard it.

“Happy birthday.” Jane said again, louder to get my attention. I forced a smile and took the pink cupcake she held out for me. I turned fourteen.  After dad died, Jane took custody of me and she moved in. I didn’t know why she would take responsibility for me if she didn’t even have kids of her own.  She held a party for me and invited all the kids at high school which I started a few months ago.  Only three people came including, Margaret, Charlie and Cecilia.  I knew no one in school liked me, because of my continued glare on my face.  Or maybe they were scared at me, but it’s like I wanted to scare them off.  It was just my thinking face.

“You should smile more!” Margaret once said even.  So I did and from there I got more approachable.

“You should really join the cheerleading team next year!” A petite girl with hair so fair it almost seemed silver made small talk with me.  Her name was Harriet and she became my best friend. Margaret was my best friend as well but she wasn’t in high school yet, given that she’s two years younger than me. Along the halls I would see Charlie walking with his dark curls messily around his head and his brown eyes with egotistical confidence.  Girls swooned over him and I just rolled my eyes.  I knew him more than them and to me he was just a dumb boy.

The next year I joined the cheerleading team and somehow it made me more noticable.  Boys were checking me out with ridiculous smirks and big toothy grins.  They irritated me and so did the girls who gave me glances of pure jealousy.  I didn’t exactly know why, given how beautiful they were but after a few months I started to see myself.  I started to actually look in the mirror and examine everything about me.  My wild light brown curls.  My dark brown eyes.  My thick lips always tinted with a natural red.  My curvy body.  And that’s exactly how I knew why the boys checked me out and the girls without boobs or a butt were jealous of me.  I didn’t feel ashamed.  In fact I embraced it and became the most popular girl in school.

“Can we sit with you?”  Layla asked this one time.  She was the most popular before I popped up and she was a complete b***h.

“No sorry.” I said and Harriet smirked..

“Why not?”

“Cause I said so.”  I said in an obvious tone.  I felt but only gave her her own medicine.

At sixteen I got more aware of online stuff, as Jane bought me my first cellphone.  I didn’t use it like everybody else, posting selfies online.  I went on the dark web, just for a thrill of it and somehow landed in a chat room with a strange guy.  I was cautious but it was something about him that attracted me.  So we started talking more and more, until it turned into months and it turned into a feeling of despair if we didn’t talk.  I trusted him with almost everything and he did the same with me. 

When the time came for us to me I felt my nervousness increase with each minute.  Even though I trusted him, I told him that we should meet in a public place and he agreed.

So when I arrived at a somewhat busy coffee shop and saw a guy wearing only black clothes I took a deep breath and confronted him with his name.

“Hunter?” he slowly looked back and my eyes widened, seeing him for the first time.

“Charlie.” he stood from his chair and I felt like a dwarf seeing how tall he was.  I swallowed and wrapped my arms around him, with all the strength in me.  He picked me up and swinged me in a circle before he put me down and looked me deep in the eyes through his raven colored hair.  His eyes almost seemed yellow and his jawline was so sharp, I wanted to trace it with my fingers.

“Wow you’re beautiful.” he commented and I blushed. We both ordered a lime milkshake and after a few minutes the eyes were broken and we were chatting like old friends.  Every now and then I zoned out, admiring his appealing face and his deep chocolaty voice.

“So what do you want to do after school?”

“Become a stripper.” I joked, but I could see in his eyes that he didn’t take it as a joke.

When the coffee shop's door jingled and I looked back to see Charlie entering with a hard look on his face. Usually he would ignore me but this time he stood next to me and greeted me with a foul look on his face.  I could see him snarling at Hunter and it made me heavily irritated.

“Who’s he?” Charlie asked me, keeping his eyes on Hunter.

“He’s a friend.” I say, giving Hunter a small smile.

Charlie bit his legs and marched towards the counter where he bought a take-away coffee. He’s in a college now, studying some serious science stuff.  I didn’t care really, I just hear his parents boasting about it all the time.

“Who’s that?”  Hunter asked with raised eyebrows.

I sighed before I answered, that’s just my best friend’s brother. He’s kinda acting like an older brother and it’s so irritating.” I complained.

After spending time with Hunter he dropped me at home and Jane was acting weird.

“You should pray.”

“The Bible have the answers you're looking for.”

It went on for weeks but I didn’t take it seriously and when she caught me and Hunter making out in my room she freaked out.

“I won’t tolerate this behaviour.”

So she forced me to read the Bible three times a day, loudly in front of her.  She taught me how to pray.  She hit me in the face when I didn’t do what she said, so I became afraid of her sudden personality change, thinking that she became crazy overnight.

Even though Jane scared me, it didn’t stop me from seeing  Hunter.  I sometimes skipped school for him and went to his apartment to get high.

And somehow Jane found out.

“That’s it, I’m sending you away.” 

Somehow I felt paralyzed and I couldn’t fight back.  And without choice I became a nun.

Today I’m seventeen years old living in prayers without any major sins.  Oh, and hi, I’m Charlie Lane.