Cursed by Desire

Chapter 5: Shock

Leila’s POV:

Hearing my brothers’ admission shocked me, though in hindsight it shouldn’t have, since a part of me always guessed as much when they mentioned it in the past, but I guess I couldn’t quite convince myself of it, since they had never said anything out loud and I’d always been too much of a coward to ask them face to face. Scared to hear the answers they’d give.

But not anymore. “You.. mean that?” My voice is still shaky, and I can feel the tears in my eyes making everything turn indistinct at the edges, but I push them back. Needing to know once and for all. “You really don’t blame me?” Disbelief is evident in my tone and I can see both Ascelin and Corbi smiling at me slightly. Both nod, but I can’t let it go fully, not without asking one last question. “For any of it?”

“None of it,” Ascelin looks at me with a curious frown, “Not that I know why you thought we would Lei, you couldn’t have known.” His gaze is kind, but I can’t shake the feeling of self-loathing I'd been carrying around for the last six, nearly seven, years. Yeah, but I should have. I think to him, seeing his frown deepen in the words. I told you about the bad feeling, how I ignored it, and you still don’t blame me. I give him a puzzled look and see when he realizes what I’ve been asking. “Yeah, I still don’t blame you, Lei never did and never will.”

“Same here,” I hear Corbi’s voice but can’t bring myself to twist my head to look at him, the pain in my body taking precedence over visual confirmation. “You seemed to blame yourself enough for the both of us. And unfairly too.” Now I do combat the pain and look at him, seeing the same kindness and unconditional love that I’d found in Ascelin’s eyes. “You shouldn’t blame yourself, Lei, you didn’t know.” He repeats and I feel my stubbornness rise up.

“But I still feel like I should have done,” I mumble, looking over at Lux’s still-figure. Her pretty amethyst eyes look at me with sadness and pain, the deep purple mixed with a rich sapphire blue that made her eyes strangely hypnotic. “Everyone else blames me and I blame myself for ignoring my instincts when I should have listened.” My voice cracks and I feel a few tears drip down my cheeks, “Maybe if I had they would still be alive,” My voice is haunted, and I hate to see the same expression mirrored on both my brother’s faces. “I’m sorry, for all of it,” I mumble, hearing them both sigh.

“Don’t be,” This time it’s my best friend, Lux, who speaks up. Glancing over to her, I can see she’s twisting a strand of her pale, fair hair around her hand. Hair that looks to be such a pale shade of blonde that it shimmers silver. “Ascelin and Corbin are right, you couldn’t have known exactly what lurked out there that night. You shouldn’t blame yourself. Even if others do.” She glances at me pleadingly, amethyst-sapphire eyes shining with a conviction I wish I had. I sigh.

That doesn’t stop me from blaming myself, I think to her, hearing her low sigh in response. It doesn’t matter if I should or shouldn't, I can’t stop myself, Lux. It’s like it’s been ingrained into me that I’m to blame. I voice the words for the first time in forever and feel a phantom weight come off my chest where it has sat for so long. I hate seeing the tears in my friend’s eyes. Don't blame yourself. You didn’t do anything.

“AND NEITHER DID YOU!” She cries, her tone anguished. “Don’t listen to Axal and the others, Lei. You couldn’t have done anything that night that you didn’t do,” She sounds distraught, and it hurts for me to hear, but I can’t bring myself to change my mind, the idea stuck too deep inside my head due to the abuse and blame heaped on me by the pack over the last almost seven years. “Please say you believe me,” Lux pleads.

Her voice is small, broken, and I hate knowing that I’ve caused it, but it’s like something’s broken inside me. Broken in a way that I can’t fix, at least not on my own. So why do you push them away, those who love and care about you? My wolf Luna scolds me. A small part of me wants to reassure her that her words have changed my mind, but I can’t do it. I can’t lie to her. “I want to,” I admit so quietly, that for a second, I don’t know if she’s heard me. “I want to believe you, but I can’t. I’m sorry.” I hate saying those words, but I couldn’t- can’t- bring myself to lie to her. It just isn’t me.

Lux looks like she’s about to cry for a minute before she blinks and asks me another question. “What can I- we- do to help?” Desperation is shining in her expression and I feel my stomach drop when the events of the day dawn on me. “Lelia?” Lux says my name with careful deliberation which makes me think that she’d been trying to get my attention when I’d spaced out. I look at her. “I asked what we could do to help?”

I struggle to my feet as best I can with my brothers and best friend looking at me worriedly. The small, hidden part of me that’s still a child before everything that has happened to me over the last almost seven years wants to cry and let them help. But I know that only ends one way for me, badly. So instead of doing what I want, I steel myself and answer her question. “I need you to leave, leave and say you never saw me.” Shock and hurt are reflected at me and I have to take a deep breath before I continue. “Please, it’s for the best.”

I know I need to wash the blood off before I return to the packhouse to finish up my daily chores - that and skulk around in the shadows hoping to draw as little attention to myself as possible. “Are you sure?” This time it’s my twin who speaks up, his blue eyes lit with a concerned expression. I nod, “Are you sure you’ll be okay and there’s nothing else we can do?”

I give another long, low, sigh and keep my eyes fixed on his, “You know it’s the only way,” I whisper, knowing I didn’t need to elaborate. As I thought, Corbin's face falls when he realizes what I’m saying and a look of concern replaces it. “Go,” I encourage, looking around at the three of them who now wear identical expressions. “To keep all of us safe, I need you to go and say you haven’t seen me if anyone asks.” The words are hard to push out, like ground glass, but I force them out. Knowing the punishment if word got out.

“But what do we say when we get back?” Lux chokes out, her eyes shimmering like mesmeric gems. I sense Corbi wants to go to her, but he remains standing by me. Looking away from my friend and up at him, I mouth one word. Go. He frowns but I just smile sadly. Go, she needs you more than I do right now. He keeps watching me with the same frown, almost as if he’s convinced I’ll change my mind, but when it becomes apparent that I’m certain, he just sighs once and goes over to her.

Watching the two together, I feel a pang of loneliness shoot through me from Luna, who howls in my head, the sound anguished. What’s wrong, Luna? I ask when her howls of misery are quiet enough for me to think. Why do I feel like this? What’s wrong? By now, the sense of loneliness is crushing like someone hollowed me out and I can’t breathe - a feeling enhanced by my wolf’s continual, low, whines.

They are each other's mates, though they do not know yet. Luna replies, her voice laced with sadness. Watching Corbi and Lux brings a rare smile to my face and I have to hide it, though that feeling of emptiness doesn’t abate. Why? Because we are missing ours. Luna replies in the same heartbroken tone as before. We feel this way because we are missing our mate. Our other half.

Who is he? I think back to her, but she remains silent, her sadness all I can sense inside. Luna’s curled up somewhere in the recesses of my mind, her eyes remaining in a haunted expression. I want to ask her more, but I get the feeling that she wouldn't answer. Or that if she did, it wouldn't make much sense. “Lei?” Lux’s forlorn tone succeeds in reaching past my sadness and I look back at her properly. “What do we tell people since we came out here looking for you?”

Again I feel like giving up and letting them help, but a low whine from Luna reminds me of the penalty I’d face if I did so. So, instead, I just keep my thoughts to myself and sigh, raising my eyes to meet my friend’s. “Tell them you didn’t find me,” I say slowly, the words laced with sadness and regret. Lux pales at the words, but I just offer her a small half-smile. “Tell them you looked for hours but didn’t find me.” My friend opens her mouth as if to contest my choice, but I shake my head. “Please Lux, it’s the only way to keep yourselves safe.”

“What about you?” Ascelin asks. Turning away from my friend and twin brother, I face my other remaining relative who’s watching me with an expression that’s a cross between a frown and a concerned look. “How do we keep you safe?” Do I deserve it? I think to myself, not realizing that I haven't closed the Link between us. “Of course you do, just like anyone else in the pack does. History doesn't change that.” Ascelin says softly and I sigh.

“Seems like you’re in the minority where that’s concerned, Lin,” I whisper, seeing one of his smiles when I use my old nickname. “But seriously, you need to go before someone spots this and thinks you're helping me.” I hate saying this, but I know I have to if I’m to keep the three of them safe from Axal and the rest of the pack. Ascelin, Corbin and Lux all watch me closely, but I refuse to change my mind. “You need to go,” I repeat when none of them moves, “Please, you know this is the only way.”

All three watch me with dissatisfied frowns, but I keep watching them, holding my ground on this decision. Being linked to all three via the Pack Link, I can tell that each of them is hesitant to leave for their own reason, but I can’t afford for them to be found with me, knowing the stakes if the others even had an inkling that I’d had help. I knew what they’d do and I already feel responsible enough for them and what happened before. I don’t need to add another worry to today’s already exceedingly long list.

“If you’re sure,” Corbi says from where he’d been watching me with his arms around Lux. I nod, forcing myself to be, and he sighs. “If you’re sure,” I nod for them to go on, hoping that I was strong enough to survive this by myself. Because I have to be.