Roses & Bullets

XIII. Fear

ERIK

Claire quietly closes the door to her room while I head to mine. I slowly ascend the stairs so as not to disturb anyone, particularly her father. When I finally reach my room, I feel an air of relief.

I had a great time talking to Claire, but I was so anxious at the same. I was worried that she might start asking questions about me, and I just wasn't ready to answer any. At least, not now.

I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face before going to bed. After I toss my shirt to the floor, I send my parents a good night text. I don't usually do that, but I'm sure that my mother will love it.

For some reason, I can't seem to get Claire off of my mind. The image of her biting her lower lip floats in my head. She is so beautiful, but she is trying to hide it.

While talking to Claire, I notice how expressive her eyes are, especially when she smiles. The golden flecks hidden in her eyes show when the lights hit them, and they're just mesmerizing to look at. Whenever she's unsure of what to say, she would tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

I don't even realize that I'm smiling. I've only known this girl for like an hour, and here she is, invading my mind. Unfortunately, I have to stay away from her.

Claire is a bright, young girl who has no business befriending someone like me. She trusts people easily, and I don't want to take advantage of that. I moved to this town to find myself and not to socialize.

I need to steer clear of her. I'll start tomorrow. For now, I'll just savor the thought that even for just a short period of time, I was able to enjoy myself.

I keep tossing and turning in my bed, but sleep won't come no matter what I do. I keep hearing Claire's voice, and there's just something about the way she says my name. Every time she does, it's like I'm being taken to a different place.

A place where pain and sadness don't exist. A place where everything is fine and will always be fine. What the hell is wrong with me?

I sit up in bed, annoyed that I keep having these stupid thoughts. After hours of trying and failing to get some sleep, I decide to head back downstairs to the kitchen. Maybe that beer will help.

Without turning on the lights, I take a can of cold beer from the refrigerator and lean on the counter. I take a sip of it, and it instantly refreshes me. I think I'll need more than one can.

As I continue to take a swig, I hear the sound of a closing door, and it isn't long before Claire enters the kitchen. She's wearing an oversized shirt and I'm not sure if she's wearing shorts. Something in me stirs, and I don't like it.

"Jesus Christ!" she gasps, holding her chest and trying to steady her breathing.

"No, it's me, Erik," I say coolly.

"You almost gave me a heart attack," she says, still breathing hard.

"Can't sleep?"

"Yeah," is all she manages to say. She walks past me to get a glass and goes back to the refrigerator to get some water. She sits on one of the chairs, cross-legged.

"Sit with me?" she asks, and even in the darkness, I can see her beautiful, innocent face.

"No, thank you," I answer curtly.

"Are you all right?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I don't mean to sound harsh. I'm just not used to talking a lot.

"Is something bothering you?"

"What makes you say that?"

Claire doesn't answer. In the faint light that's coming through the window, I can see that she is frowning. She looks away from me, and I immediately feel guilty.

I'm about to apologize to her, but then I remember that it will be easier to push her away if I act nasty towards her. I throw my now empty can of beer in the trash bin and take out a new one.

The popping sound of the can gets Claire's attention, and I hear her clicking her tongue. I notice that she likes doing that to show disapproval. I ignore her, but then she starts talking to me again.

"That bad, huh?"

"Excuse me?" I ask, my lips inches away from the can.

"Is it that bad? Whatever's troubling you?"

Instead of answering her question, I drink my beer in big gulps, determined to finish it immediately and leave. My eyes don't leave hers, and I'm sure she's starting to regret speaking to me. But boy, was I wrong.

"You know," she speaks again, pretending not to notice my hostility, "people say that it's easier to talk to strangers than to people you actually know?"

I'm speechless. Claire continues to talk.

"I'm sure you'll feel huge relief once you share with someone what you're going through right now. If you ever need an ear, I can lend you mine."

I crush the can of beer with one hand, spilling some of its contents on the floor. Claire obviously doesn't expect that kind of behavior from me because her eyes look like they're about to pop out of their sockets. I ignore her reaction and toss the can inside the trash bin with a loud bang.

As I'm leaving, Claire pulls me by the arm and apologizes. I almost snap.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I said something to offend you," she says, her voice cracking. "I didn't mean to-"

I grab her wrist to loosen her grip on me, and then I pull her closer to me. We are so close to each other that I can smell her strawberry-scented shampoo. It's f*****g intoxicating.

"Please don't pretend like you know me," I whisper, and I can sense that she fears me.

"I'm not-"

"You have no idea what you're doing, Claire Wilson." I let go of her wrist and leave before she can say something else.

I'm in my room in a minute, and I instantly regret what I did to her. I almost punched the wall, but thankfully, I'm able to stop myself. I think I may have overreacted a little bit.

I lie down in bed again, fuming. My heart is racing, and I don't think it has something to do with the beer. I try to calm myself until finally, my heartbeat slows down.

How am I supposed to face her now? Well, I don't have to. This is what I want.

To push her away. To push anyone away who tries to come near me. I can't afford to hurt anyone else because of my f****d up past.

That's right. I'm f****d up. I'm so f****d up that I don't deserve to be around these good people.

Especially Claire. I feel like I've known her for a long time and that I have to protect her no matter what. But how can I do that when I can't even protect myself?

I couldn't even protect my brothers. I remember the corpse of my dead comrades sprawled in the dirt, and it's all I can do not to scream. I don't think I'll ever get better.

I close my eyes, finally feeling exhausted. As I slowly descend into sleep, I start to have a dream about a beautiful girl with long, light brown hair calling my name. It's all right, Erik, she says. It's all going to be all right.