Roses & Bullets

XXIII. Not A Saint

CLAIRE

"I should go to bed," I tell Erik, yawning. "I'm a little tired today. How about you?"

"I'm going, too," he answers, but something in his face tells me he doesn't want to. I feel like he wants to say something to me. Something he's been trying to keep to himself all this time.

"Okay, have a good night." I walk slowly to my room, dragging my feet. "And thanks for the help."

"Anytime." Erik heads upstairs, and I close the door to my room.

Like every night, I take a shower before going to bed. I put on a fitted sleeveless top and my favorite pajama before brushing my hair. I'm about to lie in bed when I suddenly feel thirsty.

I creep into the kitchen to get a glass of water. After drinking, I notice Erik's phone on the table. He must have forgotten it because he was busy helping me.

I should take it to him. But wouldn't that be a desperate move on my part? What would he think if I go to his room at this hour?

I stand in the dark kitchen staring at Erik's phone, contemplating whether I should take it to him or not. After wasting a few minutes of just standing there, I grab the phone and quietly make my way upstairs. Good thing I'm not wearing any slippers.

When I reach Erik's room, my heart suddenly crawls to my throat, and I feel like I just made a mistake. I'm about two seconds from running away when the door opens. Oh, for f**k's sake!

It's like Erik has a limited number of clothes. He looks like he just got out of the shower, and he is only wearing those lounge pants I saw him wearing on his first day here. Erik's eyes widen like he has just seen a ghost.

"You left this downstairs," I say in a hushed tone as I show him his phone.

Erik thanks me and says he is on his way downstairs to look for it. At this point, I'm just trying so hard not to throw myself at him. And I know deep inside that he is trying to hold back too.

"You shouldn't be here," Erik whispers, and to me, it sounds like a challenge. He is saying one thing, but his face and body say another.

"Then tell me to leave," I reply. Please, please take me to your bed. I'm not sure how much self-control I have in my body.

In one swift motion, Erik pulls me closer to him and kisses me like there's no tomorrow. I wrap my arms around his neck as he pushes me against the wall, and I welcome his every touch. I almost lose it when he shoves his tongue inside my mouth.

I can feel my knees shaking, and if it isn't for Erik's support, I would have collapsed on the floor already. Our tongues continue to intertwine, and I'm sure that I'm running out of breath soon. Erik moves his mouth to my ear and starts licking it, and I definitely feel my soul leave my body.

Desperate to hold on to something, I grab a fistful of Erik's hair, and then he moves to kiss my neck. I shiver, and I'm pretty sure he notices that too.

"Oh, Erik," I say, breathless. I don't want him ever to stop. I just want to feel his body next to mine. I want him to kiss me all night long.

Erik scoops me up, and I wrap my legs tightly around his waist before he lays me down on the bed. My heart beats even faster that I'm sure Erik can hear it beating against my chest. But I don't care.

Right now, all I want is to be one with Erik. He goes on top of me, and I draw a ragged breath as he traces my face with his finger. He is about to move it down, but then I grab his hand and place it on my breast.

His touch instantly sends me into oblivion. I try so hard not to squirm, but I fail. I want him to put his hands all over my body.

Oh, f**k. I hope I didn't make a mistake. Erik seems unsure of what to do, so I pull him closer for another kiss.

This time, the kiss is more rabid. I just can't control myself anymore. I slightly bite his lower lip, and he returns the favor by gently squeezing my breast.

As we continue to kiss, I slowly move his hand down there, and Erik suddenly stops. Is he not ready? He is not a virgin, is he?

"Is something wrong?" God, I hope not. I don't think I'll be able to handle that kind of humiliation.

Erik gets up and faces the other direction, leaving me lying on the bed, panting and longing for him. According to him, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I feel insulted because it's like he still doesn't know me.

"I'm no good for you," he tells me, and it's all I can do not to scream. Bullshit! Why can't you just be honest with me for once?

"I'll be the judge of that." I stand up and try to compose myself, even though I feel like I'm about to explode.

"I'll only hurt you, Claire," he says, turning to face me. "You have no idea how broken I am." I think I hear his voice crack, but I can't be sure.

Then help me understand. "Erik-"I start to say, but he cuts me off.

"No. You have to go." His electric blue eyes turn ice-cold again that I find it hard to look directly into them.

He has got to be joking, right? I look at Erik in disbelief, waiting for him to say that he didn't mean it. However, he remains silent.

"Are you serious right now?" I am so close to crying. I don't want to cry, especially in front of him.

"Please leave." Erik's voice is so deep that it makes what he said sound even harsher.

"Erik, I swear if I leave this room now, there will be no coming back." I bite my lips to stop them from trembling. Look at what you are doing to me, Erik.

"Go."

"I don't understand you, Erik. I just..." I can't speak anymore, and I feel so numb.

I get out of Erik's room, and as soon as I get to the corridor, I run downstairs. When I reach my room, I go straight to the bathroom, close the door, and turn on the shower. Without removing my clothes, I step under the cold running water.

That was so f*****g embarrassing! I went there to show my true feelings to him, but instead, he told me to leave after a few minutes of making out. He didn't even bother to explain himself, and that's what makes it even more infuriating.

I feel like a little slut. I sit on the cold bathroom floor and wallow in self-pity. Did I go too far?

I mean, I admit, I'm not a saint. I've had my share of naughty moments with guys, but I've only given myself to one man, and that was my first boyfriend back in college. I consider that the biggest mistake I have ever made.

He was a real charmer, a quarterback, and so handsome too. We dated for a couple of months until finally, we decided that it was time to do it. It hurt, of course, because it was my first time, but I thought it was magical.

He kept telling me how special I was to him, so naturally, I believed him. I was young and stupid and determined to do everything to impress him. It's just sad that I chose to give up my virginity to make him happy.

And then, that was the last time he talked to me. For the next couple of days, I couldn't contact him, and the next time I saw him, he was already dating another girl. I tried talking to him about what happened between us, but he only made it look like I was a desperate ex-girlfriend who couldn't move on.

I didn't give up, though. I tried so many times to get him to explain, but he just didn't care. By that time, I realized that the whole school was laughing at me.

What a douche bag! I cried for days, of course, but then it dawned on me that I was just wasting my time. I thought I was in love with the guy when, actually, I was in love with the idea of being in love.

I never told my family about that. It was just too much of an insult, and I didn't want them to worry about me. I just kept it to myself the whole time.

I've never dated after that. There were guys who tried to court me, but I turned them all down. I started focusing more on myself, and that felt good.

But Erik just had to ruin everything. I thought we were on the same page, but we're not. The wall that I tried so hard to build around me came crashing down, just like that.

I pull my knees to my chest and sob. I wish he would at least tell me why. No one deserves this kind of treatment.

I don't deserve this kind of treatment. It's not fair. Why can't he be a man and just tell me that he doesn't want me instead of making up excuses?

I stand up and slowly remove my clothes, letting them fall on the floor. I turn off the shower, shivering from the cold, and that's when I see myself in the mirror. My eyes are puffy, my nose is red, and my lips are swollen.

That's probably because of our intense kissing. I wring the water from my hair and continue to stare at myself in the mirror. What the hell did I do wrong, Erik?

Or maybe it was not me. Maybe what he said was true, that he is broken. All of a sudden, I remember what my father told me about Erik.

He said there was something inside Erik, and it was eating him alive. Thinking about it, it makes me realize that maybe this is not just about me. Maybe Erik really is suffering in secret.

I leave my wet clothes on the floor and start to dry myself up. After staying under the cold water for too long, I choose to wear an oversized shirt, a pair of thick pajamas, and socks. As I brush my hair, I start to sneeze uncontrollably.

Why the hell didn't I turn the heater on? That was just stupid of me. And also, being dramatic.

It's not like I'm the first girl to be dumped by a guy, right? But why does it sting so bad? Maybe it's because I don't fully understand the whole picture.

I sit on my bed, and once again, I take a look at our old family album. When I see my mother's photo, I immediately smile. I wish you were here, mom.

I'm sure she will know what to do. She will also probably give me a little smack in the head for being a drama queen. My mother was a feisty woman, but sadly, I didn't get that from her.

I put back our family photo on the nightstand, and then I sneeze again. This time, I feel a slight pain in my head, so I decide to go to the kitchen to make myself some peppermint tea. I just hope Erik is not there too.

I quietly make my way to the kitchen and start boiling some hot water. As I get the mug and the teabag, I see a shadow in my peripheral vision, and I almost screamed my lungs out. Thinking that it's Erik, I call out his name.

"Erik, is that you?" I whisper in the dark, but no one answers. I feel pathetic because even after what he did to me and almost having a heart attack, I'm still thinking of him.

My mind must be playing tricks on me. I finish making the peppermint tea, and I take the cup to my room. I immediately take a sip, and an instant feeling of relief washes over me.

I try to take my mind off of Erik, but I can't. Is he thinking about me too? I look at my window and watch the beautiful sky.

Tears are starting to form in my eyes again. I don't know how I'm going to face Erik tomorrow. It's not like I could just easily avoid him.

I mean, we are staying in the same place. Even if I stop talking to him, my father and brother will notice, and they will start asking questions.

Questions that I won't be able to answer. If only Erik would enlighten me. At least that will make things easier.

I finish my tea, and I start to feel sleepy. I lie in bed feeling beat, so I close my eyes and hope for a dreamless night. But since we don't always get what we want, Erik's handsome face starts forming in my dreams.