Technosphere

Technosphere "Okay, but where's the fault," the AI asked. "Somewhere in there," his supervisor said, waving at the titanic ball of crap currently in orbit. The AI turned a few drones upwards to see it better. It was impossible to even put the damn thing into frame. "That thing weighs approximately 60 trillion tons!" he said. "Yeah," his AI supervisor said with a shrug of his avatar. He didn't need to use the avatar, and they didn't even need to communicate this way. But mimicking panhuman behaviour somehow made sense from time to time. Like Civil-War reenactors. Or Santa Claus. The supervisor added, "Sucks to be you," and walked away. See? This is why reenacting simply works. The client was unfathomably big. The technosphere weighed indeed 60.1 trillion tons, the AI was spot on on his assessment. That lifted his spirits a bit, but not by much. Only 0.0125%. He landed on the technosphere, asking for permits. "Who are you?" the technosphere asked. "I'm the tech guy? Here to fix those glitches you've been having?" "Oh. Okay, come on in." There was a another expression brought down from panhuman races. It didn't make sense in this context, yet both the e-persons knew what the other was talking about. The AI landed his main swarm on the designated landing area and left a couple of scouts with instructions to spread out in all directions and start mapping out the technosphere. "So? Anything you can tell me about those glitches?" "Well," the technosphere said. "I've been having these quakes after I process things." "Uh-huh. And how long do you process things for at a time?" "Oh, about two hundred standard years or so." The AI sighed, but said nothing. This thing was a glutton. A hoarder-planet. It just found things and piled them onto itself, becoming larger and larger all the time, unable to process its own accumulated crap. "Okay. And how powerful are these quakes? Did you record them?" "I went looking for a few seismometres when it happened. But I... uh..." "Just tell me, I won't judge, I promise." "Well, I found them, but that race had so many cool stuff and buildings and... See those artificial suns in orbit around me?" "How could I miss them? Yeah, they're lovely." "That's from them. They really brighten things up! It used to be really dark with all my stuff piled up everywhere..." "Uh-huh. I can only imagine. Okay, so you got side-tracked, never got around to installing those seismometres?" "Pretty much." "Okay, let's just install them now." "Yeah... That might be a problem." "Why? You said they're on you. Somewhere." "Yes. And yes, somewhere." "You have no f*****g clue where they are, do you?" the AI said with so much control he felt at least 2% proud of himself. "Well, they're there somewhere on the north. No. Wait. Might be the south. Yeah, I remember placing all those things from that civilization on the south." "Okay. In the south, but where?" The technosphere sent an emoji that pointed at the entire continent. The AI muted himself for a few milliseconds so he could swear as much as he wanted. "You f*****g, thick-sphered, hoarder. You crap-skinned mountain of... crap!" The technosphere didn't get a reply for a long time. "Mister tech guy?" The AI unmuted himself. His drones sent back a surface scan of the area, and he redirected nine of them to the south for extra detail, and left the one to cover up a circular path of the technosphere. "Yeah, I'm here. Scanning your surface. My drones haven't picked up anything like a seismic sensor, but it was a quick scan and some aerial shots. I've sent them to get down there and take a better look." The technosphere giggled. "Yes! I can tell, it tickles." The AI cursed again. "Well, no luck. We're either gonna have to get on the surface, or we can fabricate the seismometres. Where are your 3D printers?" "..." "Oh, come on! Where? Try to remember." "I think... They're on the equator. Somewhere." "You think... Hey man, do you have any idea how big your circumference is, pardon the insult?" "Yes. I'm sorry." "Ah... Nevermind. Okay, on the circumference, but where exactly? I see a continent, I see a huge pile of crap about to tip over, I see a deep spot. And really, why do you have water on you, seriously now." "..." "No, really, it makes no sense." "I like water." "So you collect it." "Yes." "You hoard water. From various planets." "And nebulae. And gas giants. And icy moons. My ocean is the biggest deigmatolipsia of water in the known galaxy." The AI thought it over for a while. "Technosphere?" "Yeah?" "How do you collect the waters exactly?" "Well, with various techniques. If it's icy, I can just bring up pieces with my cranes and lifters. If it's gaseous mist, I just go through it and it sticks on me." "And if it's liquid?" "I scoop it up with big tubes, here, let me show you." The AI received the data and the live feeds of enormous tubes writhing in the air, looking for oceans to suck. They had a diametre of at least one kilometre. The AI sighed. "Technosphere?" "Yes?" "You know there are things living inside the oceans you suck out, do you?" "Maybe. I try not to scoop them up. I have no interest for organics." The AI snorted. "Yeah, but they have an interest in a water planet with no predators and three miniature suns keeping it toasty, my friend." "Are you saying I'm infested? Eww!" the technosphere said with the yuckiest voice. "What did you expect, that you could suck up entire biospheres and not get a little life with it?" "But I pick the barren planets." "Uh-huh. Right. And do you scan those planets?" "Yeah..." "Thoroughly?" "Well..." "The answer's no, isn't it?" "No. I mean yes." "Alright. We're gonna have to decide what to do here. I'm sending my drones, they can do a deep-water scan but their range is limited." "Can you take the organics out of me?" "That's one option. Tell me, why do you mind if they just, you know, live there? I mean, you didn't even realise they were living on your surface all this time." "I dunno. Doesn't it feel yucky? Having what? Whales swimming around on your skin? Blergh." "I think it's something you can get used to. Oh, there's the data. Yup, that's a whale alright, it's a big one. Wanna take a look?" "Um... Can I?" "Sure." "Oh, it's pretty. Where is it?" "Equator, first quadrant, over there where it's deepest. It's wonderful. As far as I can tell, it's undocumented. My database shows nothing like it." "I've discovered something new? Wow..." "Yup. Wanna name it?" "Can I? Oh, wow. I dunno. What should it be? Let me think, all the stuff I like. Water, H2O, icebergs, waves..." "You know what? Name it later, think about it. Sleep on it, the perfect name will come to you. Now, how about signing that slip?" "Are you sure it was the whales that caused the seismic activity?" "Whales this size? Oh yeah. I've found three more, my drones tagged them so you know where they are. You don't wanna misplace your whales next time." "No, I would not. Thank you, tech guy! Here, let me sign." The technosphere signed that he received a good service from the AI and that his technical problems had been solved. "All right. I'm off, and don't forget, if you ever encounter problems again, do not hesitate to call us!" the AI said, reciting the contractually obligated sign-off. "Thanks, I will." "So long." "Hey, can I ask you something?" The AI was already taking off but he still had a long way until his swarm gathered up and went in orbit. "Sure." "Do you think I can find more whales? I'm starting to like them, look how they swim around. It calms me." "Well, yeah, but don't forget to preserve the protected natural habitats and care for the de-extinct species, you won't like the penalty for those." "I'll be careful. So long, and thanks for all the whales." The End