Captivated

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 4

Her heart galloped in her chest. Why did Ian want to meet with her? And what should she say when she saw him?

She glanced around at the surroundings. She knew the little café. It catered to English-speaking expats in Yanji, and she and her parents had met Ian here the first day of summer vacation.

Had that really only been just a few months ago?

So much had changed this year, perhaps more than any other she’d spent at Harvard. Her roommate, Willow, had gotten married over Christmas break and was now busy transforming her grandfather’s homesteading cabin in Alaska into a foster home. Kennedy had spent the last half of her junior year of college without a roommate. By the time she finished studying for her MCAT in the spring, she had so much free time on her hands she started volunteering twice a week, one afternoon leading the Good News Club at a local elementary school and one afternoon giving English lessons for the Korean-speaking members at St. Margaret’s sister church.

She had also spent some of her extra time praying.

Did God really want her to become a doctor? Or was that just a dream she’d latched onto?

Then came summer and the opportunity to work with North Korean refugees in Seoul, seeing Korea Freedom International’s ministry firsthand. She’d been honored when the director asked her to come back to serve as an intern after graduation, but now that she’d actually made her medical school deferment official, she stayed awake nearly every night wondering if she’d done the wrong thing.

And of course, there was her relationship with Ian.

Who apparently was just one more thing God was asking her to give up.

She pulled out her phone and glanced at her cell. Her boyfriend was never late.

No, not her boyfriend. Not anymore. How long would it take her to stop using that word?

Then again, ex sounded so harsh. Like they both hated each other and had just gone through some sort of nasty breakup. Maybe it would be easier if they had. Easier to break up with someone she despised than someone she still loved.

She sighed. What was taking him so long?

“Kennedy?”

She glanced up as he hurried to her, breathless. “I need to talk to you.”

“I assumed that when I got your text.” Her joke fell flat, and she offered a small smile in apology.

“Can I sit down?”

What did he expect? That since they weren’t officially dating anymore she’d refuse to let him pull up a chair? “Of course you can.”

He let out his breath. “This isn’t going to work.”

She glanced around, hoping for some kind of visual clue that would give a hint as to what he might be talking about. “What isn’t?”

“Never seeing you again.”

She lowered her gaze. She didn’t have the energy for this conversation. Not tonight, when she should already be in bed, resting up for her full day of travel tomorrow.

“Listen,” she began, “you know I still really care for you, and this isn’t easy for me either ...”

He shook his head to stop her. “You don’t get it. I started thinking, and here’s what I realized. The thing that makes us so good together is we don’t try to change each other. We don’t try to turn each other into little clones of ourselves. We can stay up until one or two in the morning talking about abortion or politics or free speech or feminism, and maybe we don’t see eye to eye on every single issue, but that’s what I love about you. That’s what I love about us.

“You never once made me feel bad for not being a Christian. And I guess you were hoping that one day I might become one, but you never made a big deal about it until tonight. Even then, it wasn’t like you came to me and said you’ve got to convert or we’re breaking up. In fact, I doubt the thought even crossed your mind. You’re too respectful for that, so you just called it off without even giving me a chance to think about it.

“Well, I have been thinking about it, and you’re right about one thing. I’m not ready to convert. I’m not ready to throw away my textbooks and my scientific proofs and go out on a limb and say Jesus is the only way to heaven when that’s not what I believe. You and I both know that I could just go through the motions to make you happy, but then our entire relationship would be based on a lie, and one of the greatest strengths I’d say we’ve got between us is how honest we are.

“So here’s what I’ve decided. I don’t want to give up on us. I don’t think that’s what either of us needs. You spent all of last semester after your roommate got married alone in your dorm room, and I wasn’t there to take you out for breakfast or whisk you off campus to go on grand adventures. But I’m wrapping up my work here. I could be back in Cambridge in a week or two, and I don’t want to spend all my free time in my studio staring at the walls any more than you want to be stuck in your dorm.

“Maybe we don’t have the same religious beliefs yet, but our conversations have given me a lot to think about. Even that science book your dad loaned me about evolution and creation, it gave me a ton to digest and sit on. And what I really need at this point in my spiritual journey is someone who I can talk to about all these ideas, someone who isn’t trying to change my mind and isn’t afraid of my questions. I’m not even asking you to be my girlfriend again if the whole faith thing truly is a deal-breaker for you, but I’m not about to just let our friendship go extinct. Get what I’m saying?”

Kennedy blinked. Did she?

“What exactly are you proposing?” she asked.

“I wish I knew. Just something more than goodbye.” For the first time, he cracked a small smile.

It would have felt so natural for her to reach out and take his hand, but she tightened her fist and kept it in her lap.

“Friends?” he asked.

A dozen different warnings whizzed through her head, telling her that she needed to think and pray through any major decision before she made up her mind. She bit her lip before she could say anything.

“You need more time, don’t you?”

She nodded, thankful he could read her hesitation. Had she hurt his feelings?

He stood up. “Well, can I at least walk you back to your parents’?”

She glanced up at him and felt her face flush when she remembered the passion of his kiss just a few hours earlier. “Yeah,” she answered. “That’d be nice.”