Hero Worship

5. Silence

5SilenceThe final moments before Conn O’Cuinn died played over in Tazia’s mind every day. Each morning before she got up, every night before sleep, and infinite moments in-between, she would live again that final kiss, luxuriating in the smell and touch of him.

Then the vision would change.

Instead of the touch of his hand and the feel of his lips on hers, she’d be lost and alone in the grip of ominous darkness, hands outstretched and searching, awaiting a lightning strike.

That day, it had come for her in the shape of Soren Huxford’s knife.

In the memory, she clasped Conn’s lifeless body and willed him to start breathing again, but he never did.

During her long days in the hospital, it wasn’t only Conn she remembered. The look of horror in Soren’s eyes had stayed with her, too.

It was in that moment when he realized he’d been tricked by the Advocate; killing his brother had brought about the desperate fate he’d been trying to save her from. She’d watched two men die that day.

Even when Soren had left her at the hospital to track down the angel and somehow achieve retribution, his pain still remained. It showed in the sag of his shoulders, and the chalky tint over his light blue eyes.

She knew he would never catch the angel. How could he? Jegudiel was only ever with her. The Advocate’s reflection smiled from the mirrors and windows of her room. Or, she would adopt the guise of the Virgin Mary ornament a hospital visitor had left for her weeks ago. There was no escape.

The angel talked incessantly. Every day. Every moment. Her urgent whispers told Tazia the only way to save her friends and find peace for herself was to become the new Savior the people needed.

At first, Tazia couldn’t believe what she’d heard: a half-vampire girl the Savior of the human race? How could that be?

But Jegudiel insisted that Tazia was the living embodiment of the strength of the human soul. She had demonstrated how that spark of energy could triumph over a demon. After all, it had survived in her, a strong and powerful hybrid demon, for one hundred and fifty years. Didn’t she understand that her very existence proved that the human soul was strong enough to tame a demon?

If she could do it, so could everyone. She was the perfect example—perfect hope.

After a while, the words started to make sense, and Tazia couldn’t help wondering whether it was possible. Could she lead the people to victory of the demons? Could she inspire them to resist evil with just the power of their souls? If they could keep evil out, the demons would never have them, the Risings would end.

So she pondered in silence, lost in these thoughts while she went through the motions of life in the hospital: the endless rounds of meal breaks, counseling sessions, and doctors.

And visits from Billy.

He’d become withdrawn lately. The banter between them had faded, and more often than not they would both just sit, he on the chair by the window and her on the bed, in silence. He used to come and stay all day, but now he would turn up at five and leave less than an hour later.

Recently, he’d stopped coming completely.

She knew it was her fault. She would no longer engage with him. How could she? Every word they shared was heard by their enemy. Jegudiel could hear every plan, hope, and fear.

Tazia wanted to give him reassurance, but the angel had threatened his life if she did. Billy was just a human. He had no power over angelic evil, and she was in no state to defend him. For his own sake, it was safer to reject him.

Her soul had taught her a lot since the bonds on it were broken. It had taught her the pain of loss, the disappointment of hope, but mostly, the guilt of failure. It was something that she could see in Billy’s eyes whenever he looked at her.

Of all the people she had lost, she wanted Billy back most of all.

“I’m an angel?” Billy blinked. “Truly?”

Julie nodded, her own wide smile drooping a little, affected no doubt by his apparent disbelief.

“Bloody hell!” He sat back in his chair, drawing away from her.

She frowned, deep lines carving between her brows and eyes pinning his. Was she looking into his soul? Did he even have a soul?

Billy ached to run. To turn the clock back half an hour to when he was just Billy with his myriad of weird obsessions and s****l confusions. In retrospect, life had been simple then!

But he couldn’t. There was a reason why he’d been woken up like this—to help Tazia. He’d never abandoned that girl in his life and wouldn’t turn his back on her now.

“Have I always been supposed to save her?” He needed to figure out what his role was. What purpose he served for himself, for Tazia, for… God? Jesus, does that fucker really exist?

“Oh, s**t, sorry!” he said out loud.

“For what?” Julie asked.

“I think I just blasphemed… in my head. Not that I really know what blaspheming is…”

Billy had never been a religious man. He’d reflected on the meaning of life often enough, but had never come to a clear conclusion about the existence of a Supreme Being. To be honest, the whole subject left him cold. There was more sense to be found in the heat shared between lovers than in the archaic words of an old manuscript.

Julie laughed. “I can’t read your mind, Billy. Stay on point. And the answer is, ‘if necessary’.”

“‘If necessary’ what?”

She leaned back in her own seat and crossed her legs, flashing her thighs again, bringing him back from his brief reflections. She suddenly seemed a lot more relaxed. “It’s always been the plan that you save Tazia—if necessary. That’s why we woke you up.”

“We?”

“The angels. They call us The Watch. It’s all unnecessary dramatics, if you ask me.” She sighed and straightened her skirt, pulling it back down to just above her knees. “We’re a small band of angels tasked with watching how the great problems in the world unfold. The big show-stopping events that could go a few different ways, like Hitler and his lust for power, or Gandhi leading his followers to freedom. It’s all a ‘free-will’ thing. We can’t intervene as such, but we can ‘assist’ or ‘resist’ if it looks like all out destruction could result. Our role is to provide other alternatives. To plan them, lay the groundwork if you like, and then prepare for each option the human race may choose.”

“Do you remember yet?” She squinted at him like she was wearing x-ray specs and could see into his brain. “This ringing any bells?”

“I’m trying. Some of it sounds familiar. Like films I watched when I was a kid. It’s all messed up. I can remember a few key scenes, but not all that boring connecting stuff that goes in between. At the moment I feel like I’ve jumped from the opening of Raiders to the gimp scene in Pulp Fiction, though. Weird.”

Judging by her confused look, Julie was not following the references.

“No worries. Angels probably don’t have time to watch movies…” Billy got up from his chair and did a circuit of the room, talking as he walked. “Do I have any super powers? Or some sort of time-shifting s**t like you? Can I get those fish over there to start moving again? Can I fly?”

“Not right now, but no doubt when you’re fully yourself again.”

He stood still. “How long will that take?”

“Depends. It’s like puzzle pieces falling into place. You’ll gradually get the whole picture clear.” Julie spoke across the room, following the backward and forward movements he’d started up again. “The most important thing for you to remember now is how you can help Tazia—help the human race. And the best way for you to do that is to remember your Faith, Billy. Angels are driven by it. It’s why you volunteered in the first place.”

“I volunteered?” He stopped pacing again and looked at her, surprised. He’d never volunteered for anything in his life. At school, he was the one to sit on his hand rather than raise it.

“Yes. We needed someone who would get close to her, was prepared to come down here to Earth to be human so that we could watch her and monitor the decisions she was making. And to report in when Jegudiel made contact. We hoped—”

“And, did I?” he interrupted.

“What?”

“Report in? I don’t remember…”

Julie smiled, “Of course. You were programed to. That night when Tazia came to London. When she first told you about Jegudiel—when the two of you slept together. Your angel energy traveled to us through a dimensional shift and told us all about it. Reported direct to Ezequiel, you did.” She sniffed.

“Wow!”

“Yes, wow! Everyone was pleased to see you. Though not the news, of course—”

“You programed me?”

“Yes. Something like that.”

“Wow! Who is Ezequiel?”

Julie sniffed again, “Our superior. Are you okay, Billy?”

He’d plonked himself back down on the office chair and was absently turned slow circles. Eyes staring forward, and sweat pricking again on his brow. Red lights flashed in his vision. At least he thought they were. Maybe, it was just in his imagination. This situation felt… dangerous.

“Billy?”

“Overloaded!”

“You’ll be fine, love.” Julie put a hand on the chair to stop him spinning, then patted his shoulder a little awkwardly he thought for such a hot older woman. Hang on! Perhaps I am feeling better.

The red lights faded to tiny silver sparkles at the edges of his vision. “You said that if I warned you Jegudiel had made contact, you hoped something… What?”

“We hoped it would be enough, but…” Julie scuffed her heels on the floor. “She managed to get to Tazia, anyway. And now things are looking really bad. That’s why we had to wake you from your human role and get you back to full power.”

Billy frowned. He had the feeling that he’d failed on his very first day on the job.

Julie faced him, gripping his shoulders. “You’re a soldier, Billy. Remember that. You will fight for her, and if you can’t, you’ll take whatever action you need to save this world—”

“Oh, yuck, who the hell spewed on the floor?” A courier, carrying a large brown envelope in one hand and his bicycle helmet in the other, had walked into the doctor’s office and straight into the pool of vomit Billy had made earlier. The spongy soles of the boy’s expensive high tops were soaking much of it up.

Billy looked around. He was standing in the middle of the room while Julie had reverted to her former spot behind the desk and was apologizing to the kid who was still over-dramatically complaining.

Julie winked at him. “Have a nice day Mr. Nadig. Take care, though. That sun’s only going to get hotter out there.”

The message was clear. Billy needed to start taking action—in whatever form that was supposed to take—and do it quickly. Demons were rising and, suddenly, he was the only one who could stop them. He felt like throwing up all over again.