The Un-Holy Love of a Priest

Chapter 1: Sinners

Lucius’s POV

I bowed my head completing the evening prayers and crossed myself before turning around. Few people were standing with a nervous smile on their faces and I smiled to myself.

Sinners…

They are here for confessions. Some new and some old…

Not my place to judge when the god doesn’t judge himself.

I gestured them to proceed while waiting patiently for them to come. It was hard in the start. Seeing people break down while confessing, crying over and over about something that they regretted and needed forgiveness would affect me but now over the past five years; I am good.

I lend them my ear, becoming a witness of their confession, advise them few ways to improve and cover their head while delivering pastoral prayers; praying deeply to God for their forgiveness.

There are few who rejects my presence and I accept that. I know they can confess only in the presence of God but what they don’t understand is there is another sin that they are committing in the process—the sin of pride.

The pride that they can heal themselves but that makes me wonder if they really repent it when they cannot even confess their sin in front of a god’s witness?

But if the confessor is persistent, I allow them to heal themselves.

I joined pastoral services five years back when I was just twenty two. The Faith city is developed in some area and developing in other hence regardless of the size of this city and country with the same name; we are short of Priest.

Not just priest but dedicated priests.

As for me, I was always devoted to god. The clergy found me during Mass prayers and learnt from my school how brilliant I was. The bishops’ words are fresh in my ear—

“Your face has angelic aura. Your handsome feature reflects divinity. We wouldn’t be surprised if people took you for God’s personal messenger.”

He would praise me and I would beam with delight knowing that’s what I truly wanted—becoming God’s personal messenger.

So, my devotion and dedication was noticed by them. Some found it amusing when I told them my deep hidden secret.

The secret was wherein angels would visit me in my dreams and warn me about disasters. My gut feelings were always right and I could feel things which were unspeakable. I was blessed with healing power that was unknown until I did.

The bishop told me not to mention it to anyone so I remained quite. Seeing there was no one in the service of God else than the bishop himself; he suggested my parents to send me to a graduate school.

Upon their advice I took psychology as my major along with history. As soon as I was graduated, they asked me to oath for celibacy.

There was when I became hesitant.

I knew this was what they would expect from me once offering me the position of priest but I wasn’t ready for that right now.

During my college time, it was never a distraction but standing in front of the iconostasis was where my soul distracted. It was like god’s indication; atleast that’s what I would like to call.

With a heavy heart, I refused. The bishop was shocked, was an understatement. He gave me a year to decide before blessing my soul.

But a year later, my answer was still the same and I don’t know why. It was never like I wanted to marry at first place, nah!

I never did!

There was no attraction to the opposite gender not even with the same gender but I couldn’t bring myself to take the oath.

Hence, the bishop concluded he would rather have a highly intellectual priest with heavenly connection then none at all.

So, we proceeded with the ordination and here I was… devoted to god more than in the early phase.

Offering prayers, sermons had always warmed my soul. There is indescribable contentment that I felt during the communion.

I can bet there is nothing more pure than this—love for God!

***

As the confessions ended, for the first time in my life, I had the urge to run away. It was disappointing how I felt restless.

It was odd, weird and unacceptable.

This wasn’t me!

Nonetheless, I took it as a positive sign.

What if God wanted me to be present elsewhere? But where to?

I knew better not to avoid this. God was hinting me towards a task and I need to do it. I was at his disposal after all! There should be a soul, a pure soul needing help.

So, I wrapped up by bible and paid the last respect for today before heading out. The darkness was increasing and the chilly wind was cutting through my face but I was a priest.

These minor things never bothered me.

I touched my clerical collar and walked in haste. The tug at my soul was getting stronger as I walked ahead.

It was disturbing and highly unfamiliar.

Regardless, I continued. I nodded and blessed few people in my way that greeted me. I knew not all respect me.

The jealousy and envy had crept through few hearts as they watched me get anointed to the priest order rather than becoming a deacon or sermonizer.

There were eyes watching over my back, smiling in front while plotting my downfall behind it. According to them, I was a sinner myself.

Who could appoint a young freshly graduated boy straight to the position of priest? There must have something happened; was their thought.

I don’t have hatred towards any as this is what they feel and being God’s favored child, it was my duty to forgive them.

As I reached the city’s crossroads, I turned to the left sharply. The tug at my soul was becoming worse and I felt highly uncomfortable in my own skin.

Distress…

As explained by some, I knew it might be the distress of the soul in need. So, I sprinted in the direction where my heart took and finally stopped when I heard a high shriek.

It pierced me like needles!

Awful.

I was shocked!

The scream of a… girl? From the police station; what was happening here in the name of Jesus?

My steps rushed and as I was about to enter, a middle aged man, Michael paled up seeing me. He wasn’t expecting me or rather was solely avoiding me.

He stuttered, clearly flustered and was ready to explain some unwanted things but I walked past him only to close my eyes instantly.

‘Forgive me holy father for what I am going to see’

I muttered with a heart pounding so hard that I was afraid it might come to a stop soon.

As I opened my eyes, I watched the pathetic excuse of men who called themselves as the officers trying to coerce a… girl?

Utterly uncomfortable, I grabbed their uniform from the back and hoisted them up. The power was unknown to them. I lifted them off her and what I saw put my heart in jeopardize.

For the very first time in my life, I felt the need to intervene between the god’s task.

He was the supreme power to forgive those who asked for forgiveness but I badly wanted to break their neck.

This was uncalled for.

Why was I feeling like this?

I took a sharp breath seeing how terrified they were of my presence but I ignored them and turned to look at the girl that was pinned down to the floor.

Her torn skirt and visibly bare-groin area hitched my breath.

‘You are a priest’

I reminded myself when the feel of embracing her in my comforting arms was unusually strong.

“Confession room in the church.” I voiced through gritted teeth and stilled.

Not what I usually do.

Hesitantly, I looked at the damaged soul. Could feel my heart sink at her condition.

How old could she be?

Fifteen or seventeen?

And these monsters tried to force themselves on her?

Tsk… Tsk… Tsk…

Leaning down, I watched her gasp for breath. Her pulse was fading, she was dying but I was too engrossed drowning in her misery.

Unaware that this was the first time I felt my soul connected to someone else than the God himself, I scooped her up in my strong arms.

I watched her tear stained and stressed face with concern.

She has a lot going on. I could feel it but what could a young girl like her has been through apart from this?

Instinctively, I pulled her closer to my beating heart while muttering my prayer. We exited the police booth as she healed.

Her breathing became normal, her pulse got stronger and she felt at comfort. Facing the night sky, the dimly lit city carrying her in my arms, I halted for a second when she snuggled more into me.

My hand shook, fingers threatened to leave her and I was stuck with another question.

‘What are these new emotions? How to cope with it?’