Prologue
1457 Words
I want to die. I want to end all the pain that is crushing my heart to the core. I want to stop thinking. And feeling. And crying. I wanted everything to stop—life, pain, everything.
Leave. End. Die.
I’m standing on the rooftop of the tallest building in this city. I want to jump and end my life. It was not anything good anyway. I am criticized every single minute of every single day for being different. Apparently, this world doesn’t have a room for people like me.
We’re always judged and trampled on.
I could hear their voices in my head. The voices that called me names. The voices that I have to hear every single day. I shut my eyes tightly. This is torture. It’s pure torture that I have to deal with them every day.
“You’re gay! You should die!”
“What wrong have I done to have a child like you?”
“You’re a disgrace to the family!”
“Stop looking at me, you faggot! You disgust me!”
“Transfer schools now, you t**t!”
I covered my ears and shook my head as sobs went out as tears started to fall down my face. I can clearly hear them in my head. I can clearly understand what they are trying to say. They don’t like me. No one likes to have a son like me. No one wants to be associated with a kid like me.
I had to suffer every single day. I had to get beaten up in school for being different than the rest of the class. My father hates me for being gay.
My body is covered in bruises but the physical pain cannot even compare to the pain that I am feeling inside my heart. It comes from deep within that it starts to invade my chest, and then out to my lungs, suffocating me until I am out of breath.
My heart is pounding loudly. I took several shallow breaths like I am hyperventilating. Like I am running out of air. Like I’m dying.
It sucks to know that people are quick to judge based on one’s s****l orientation. And for so many times, I ask myself a lot of questions.
Is it my fault?
Or am I just confused?
Maybe I am not really gay? Maybe I am just undergoing a certain phase in my life that I would be able to conquer. Maybe I still have a chance.
Maybe they are right. Maybe it’s my fault for choosing to be this way. Maybe it’s my fault for not being able to fight off the difference inside me. Maybe I should have had the courage to shield my original self from the voices that I have heard. I shouldn’t have turned out to be this way. I should have been a man.
If I were a man, I should have had a lot of friends at school. Those boys wouldn’t look so disgusted while looking at me. They wouldn’t be avoiding me like a plague.
My father could have been proud of me. He wouldn’t be too aloof. He wouldn’t look at me as a disgrace.
Tears fell down my cheeks as I stared at the marvelous city lights. I am somehow happy that I have at least had a good sight before I die.
I tried to look for my house in the thousands of city lights. It’s quite impossible, actually. But that only made me realize one thing. Not everyone will stand out in the bigger picture. There will be brighter lights, lights that have a different vibe to them, lights that are dimmer than the others, and most of all, lights that got concealed by the light of others.
But that realization came too late. I have already decided. I am sick of this life. I am sick of the pain I am feeling everyday—physical, emotional, everything! I just want it all to end. I don’t have the passion to live anymore. I am already done. I already had enough.
“What are you doing?”
My eyes widened when someone suddenly spoke from behind me. Who could basically know this building too? I have been coming up here for the past several days and I have not seen anyone in here.
I slowly turned to him. He’s wearing the rival school uniform and I suddenly felt conscious. Blushing against my intentions, I pursed my lips and averted my gaze.
I will most definitely be stupid to say this but my heart skipped a beat when I laid my eyes on him. The blonde shags of his hair fell perfectly on his face, accentuating the dark shade of blue in his eyes. He is tall and he looked serious and mature—one I can never describe the men in my school.
I heard his footsteps coming near me and my knees started to wobble. This is not the end that I was dreaming about. This is definitely not the situation that I want to be in before I leave this world. How could this be happening?
I swallowed hard as I felt him standing right on my side. He suddenly raised his hand to my face and I had no choice but to look at him now with a confused expression on his face. “What?”
He nodded. “Take my hand and go down from there,” he told me in a soft voice. “It’s dangerous to stand there. You might fall,” he added.
I looked at him, contemplating if I will ask him to go away or if I would take his hand and go down. I want to jump and die. I want to jump and leave this cruel world. Can’t I even do that?
He flashed out a wide smile before raising his hand so I could take it. “Come on down.” His soft voice seemed to have hypnotized me because right there and then, I held his hand and went down from the railings.
I winced in pain when I landed on my left foot. The kids at school paddled my left leg last week but the damage can still be felt by now. The blue-black bruises all over my body is a big evidence that I have been beaten up. And now, I can’t help but be embarrassed because this man must have seen all of them.
I pulled away from his grip and hugged myself. Who is he? Why is he helping me?
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I think you need to go to the hospital.” The softness in his voice couldn’t escape my ears. He took a step closer to look at my bruises but I stepped back.
I swallowed hard, afraid of someone touching me because all I could remember is how I was beaten up. I was trembling in fear. My vision suddenly got blurry with the tears forming around my eyes.
“You’re covered in bruises!” he hissed. “Who did this to you?”
I shook my head. I don’t want to tell him anything. If I said something and he reported them to the police, I would only get in trouble even more. I don’t want to get beaten up again. I don’t want to experience the same pain that I am feeling right now.
“I’m okay,” I struggled to say because of the forming lump in my throat. I hugged myself tighter and stepped away. I averted my gaze and swallowed hard. “T-thank you…”
It was quiet for a moment with only the sound of the traffic forty floors below could be heard. I had the urge to walk away but my legs were glued to the ground. The pain I feel all over my body makes it so hard for me to move. I don’t even know how I have endured climbing forty floors by stairs in this condition.
I heard him inhaling a sharp breath. “Do you want to sit down then?” he asked, his voice was soft like he’s trying to make me feel better.
I pursed my lips and looked at him in the eyes before nodding. But even before I could do so, everything went black.
- Writer
