Not your honey (Leila Series #1) {IN PROGRESS}

9. Why?

    I'm not the person who lies down and receives what life throws in my direction; I've never been. On the contrary, I always fight on and break everything that stands in my way to reach my goals. The thoughts in my head about Cameron are absolutely no exception. All I want to do is destroy all the thoughts that have to do with him; the newfound interest, his scent, the dimples in his cheeks, the gaze that can see right through my self and the broad-strong shoulders that seem to be able to carry the whole world without any problems whatsoever. All the things I don't want in my mind, because that can never happen.

    I'm not created for such relationships or situations; moreover, I have always been against them. There is nothing to even think about, given that I will certainly destroy something that could have been beautiful without meaning it. I am doomed to be alone, and it is only for me to accept it. However, it does not matter if I at least get the opportunity to drool over Cameron in secret when no one sees. Yes, I may be against the whole relationship thing, but I have eyes to see with, and he is a God embodied. Achilles, throw yourself in the wall! All this makes me think about my mom and her endless s*x escapades over the years.

    The thought of how badly she has been treated by the men and how badly she has treated herself scares me. I never want to ever be like her, and chances are that this is exactly what I will be if I allow a man to get close to me. That's why I don't want any relationships, then it also doesn't hurt as much when they leave me or die. If you prepare for the worst, you also can't be disappointed when it shits itself, and if it doesn't, then you'll get a happy surprise instead. My mother ruined my entire childhood, and the majority of my teenage years; there's nothing left to recall in my memories with her. I don't want to be as weak as her; I remember a memory especially...

~ Flashback ~

    I was about nine years old and just started early puberty, we had been to a carnival. When we get home to the old worn-out house, a man sits on the stairs and grins when he sees us. He looks at me with eyes full of lust and I feel a cold shiver move across my spine. The way he looks at me scares me to the point that I'm shaking next to my mother, however, she doesn't notice anything, but pulls me with her forward. Mom gives me a hard look that means "don't embarrass me" and obedient as I am, I shake the unknown man's hand. She then unlocks the door and pushes me in first. I look at her questioningly and she looks angry at me again.

"Go into your room, Leila!" she roars and I don't understand her sudden anger towards me, I haven't done anything wrong.

    I nod and walk into my room with my head immersed. Why is mom angry? I must have done something she doesn't like, but what could it be? It isn't on the map that I would go against my mother's request, she takes good care of me and I have nothing to complain about. The women in the park said stupid things to mom again today, but she ignored them and continued forward with her head held high. Why are they so mean to mom? She's really nice and lets me decide what toy I want in the whole store when we have money! I sit on the bed and hear mom mumble something to the man I don't know. Silent as a mouse, I sneak to the door to listen, and what I hear causes my heart to break into thousands of pieces.

"Come on, Frank! I need to have more, you can get me for one night if you give me what I want," says mom in a strange voice that I don't recognize, she never talks like that to me.

"Don't try Henrietta, me and all the other men in this city have already had you, I want something new if you want visits by 'miss White'," the man mockingly replies.

"I can give you everything you've ever dreamed of, come on, baby," she continues, and I see through the keyhole that she rubs herself against him, but he pushes her away.

"Don't you hear me!? I don't want you, you're old news, worn out and used. There's no innocence left around you at all, you're like f*******:-used every day by thousands," he growls.

"If I give you my daughter?" she asks sadly and my little heart is pounding faster by the fear that's spreading in my body.

"Isn't she just nine years old?" the man asks ponderously.

"She's very mature for her age, and has just entered puberty."

"Finally you understand what it is I'm looking for!" the man laughs and walks towards my room.

    I run back to my bed and feel the fear spread in my body; for I don't understand what the man wants from me. There's not much I have in here in my room, he can have my teddy bear, Greg, if he wants or the drawing I painted that portrays a ladybug. But the rest of the things I want to keep. He comes into the room and looks at me with dark eyes that I don't know what they mean. Step after step he approaches and I move one step back every time he moves forward. What's going on? Why does mom want to give me away? Do I have to go with this man somewhere? But... I don't know him!

"Sir, I don't have much I can give away, but I have a teddy bear you can have," I say and trying to understand what he wants.

"Oh, honey," he says, gently caressing my cheek. "You have something amazing to give to me, and I will take it."

    I don't know how long it takes until my nightmare is over. My little body is destroyed and it hurts everywhere. Where's mom and how could she agree to this!? How many times have I screamed for her to come and save me, that it hurts and that I don't want to? The man has dressed again and threw my dress to me. I put it on and follow him out the door, afraid of what will happen if I don't listen. Mom sits on the couch with her head in her hands, when she sees me and my tears hers begin to fall too. She hurries up to me but I back away while the man laughs at my mother, for the first time I understand why everyone is always laughing at her; my mother is evil.

"You're honestly the worst junkie I know. How do you feel, Henrietta?" he asks laughing, throwing a bag of white powder at her that she catches. "You have just sold your daughter, her innocence and her loyalty for all eternity, to get another trip. I hope it was worth it because she will never love you again."

~ Flashback ended ~

    It was that day I stopped loving and began to despise. I didn't understand then what was happening; the only thing I realized was that my body was hurting, that I was terrified, and that my mother didn't want to help me. It was the same day that I started hating her and seeing her for who she was, a dirty disloyal streetwalker that could sell her soul and daughter to the devil to get her heroin-which she did in the end. The woman I once called my mother, and the man who's still unknown to me took away the purest thing I had; my innocence. I hated her, and I still do. Many times after that he came to visit, but he never touched me again; mom didn't allow it, which led to him assaulting and raping her instead.

    I guess it was because of her bad conscience, but honestly, I can't care less. She has never been a good mother, unfortunately I didn't realize it until I got up in my teens and had to clean up after her nonsense in town. I don't know how many people I've had to apologize on her behalf over the years for being too high or drunk to realize what the hell she was doing. However, it's a possibility that she knew exactly what she was doing, but didn't care about it, I was after all there to clean up, and then it didn't matter. It's just speculation, but not completely impossible, isn't it? No matter what, I can never forgive her.

    The only one who knows what happened that day is Hale, he and I are talking about everything that has to do with my childhood. He's still looking for that man and wants to torture him for raping a child. We all know what happens to pedophiles and rapists in prison, then imagine what happens when a motorcycle club gets hold of one out in the open. It's all these events from my childhood that have given me the overprotective instincts when it comes to children, and it doesn't matter whose it is. Children are innocent and should therefore be protected no matter what the threat may be. Do I ever get hold of that man I don't know how I will react, cry, scream, get scared? Nobody knows.

    I sit alone at the bar and drink shot after shot while waiting for the tears to stop threatening to fall. My heartbeats are fast and my breathing is limited, I can't breathe because then I will begin to cry. If you haven't realized it yet, I'm not a person that cries. Tears are a sign of weakness and I'm not weak! However, it doesn't seem to matter right now. No one in the club has seen me break apart except Hale, no one has seen my tears fall when the pain becomes too heavy to bear and the darkness tries to take over me. Finally, I have to breathe and the tears fall freely. Thank God I'm alone here right now and no one can hear my loud cries, not to mention my ugly crying face.

"Lei, what the hell happened!?" I hear a voice behind me.

    I quickly turn around and see not only Tyler but also Cameron standing at the door, looking at me with concern. Tyler knows what a big deal this is, I never cry and so do the members of the club. My tears keep flowing and I quickly wipe them off, hoping that none of them have seen or heard me. It's wishful thinking I can tell you, there's no way they haven't heard me. I pick up the bottle of whiskey, walk away to the stereo, turn on "I can't stop drinking about you" by Bebe Rexha and drink big gulps. None of them say anything and I choose to ignore as much as I can. I light a cigarette and start singing along to the song. Music has always been my "safe-zone" and my outlet in life when I don't know where to go.

    Lately, darkness has made itself more and more felt through these episodes of anxiety that I can't control. Most often I manage to manage it through what I love most, sing and drive a motorcycle. But then these days come when everything gets out of hand, and then I get threatening. Hale claims it's because of my trauma and my aggression issues, but I rather think it's about that being the person I simply am. I'm not capable of loving and caring for other people anymore in the way they deserve. Once upon a time I did, and check what it gave me; a broken soul and a psyche that doesn't heal. The bottle runs out and I open a new one.

"What is wrong with her?" I hear Cameron ask Tyler who looks terrified.

"I don't know, but it's bad. This is the first time I see Lei cracked, I need to call Hale," he replies, and I keep drinking in what feels like hours until Hale slams the door open.

"LEI! WHAT THE HELL!?" he exclaims and I fall from the bar by the sound. "Damn it... Tyler, bring her into my office. Now!"

    I feel when Tyler picks me up and I slowly open my eyes, it's just that it's not him holding me; it's Cameron. He looks anxiously at me and I give him an expressionless grimace back, I don't owe him or anyone else an explanation either for that matter. I'm like this; an unstable, cold, and selfish b***h. As I've mentioned repeatedly, I'm not capable of anything other than surviving, this is all I know! Even though I hate Cameron for everything he is and everything he makes me feel, I also know with me that it's not his fault. Not once has he treated me badly even though I treated him like s**t.

"Give me up, Cameron," I say in a cold tone, looking into his eyes.

"No can do, darling," he responds, smiling sadly at me before he puts me in an armchair.

"Why?"

"Because you already mean way too much to me," he replies, leaving the room when Hale steps in.

    I don't spend any time trying to understand what he's talking about, it's still no use. Hale sits down in his office chair and looks seriously at me with a lot of worry written over his face. I look up at him through my eyelashes and when our eyes meet, the tears roll down again. He sighs and opens up his arms. I stumble up to him and he puts me on his lap before he hugs me. We rock back and forth while I cry out all my anxiety on his shoulder. What would I do without him? He's the only one who understands me and is always there. The best thing about our relationship is that no words need to be exchanged, he knows what it is that makes me react like this and needs no details.

    He caresses my back in different patterns and pats me on the head like a father does when he comforts his child. At this point, I don't care if the others hear me cry or not, Hale won't give up until I've let out everything I carry inside me and then revert to focusing on what I think is important. I don't even feel drunk anymore, if I was at all from the start. Given that I felt completely destroyed when I started drinking, I also didn't keep track of how much I drank. I have a high tolerance and rarely get drunk if I don't make an effort to become drunk, I sober up very quickly, which sucks incidentally!

"Everything's going to be fine, Lei," Hale whispers. "We will find him."

    He changes the music to our personal song that we use to hype ourselves and the club members; "Fight back" by Ummet Ozcan. Everyone in the building knows what it means, we'll move, and we'll get back to work. I pick up all the weapons I find in my locker and hang the biggest one over my shoulder before I stand at the door to let Hale walk out first. Everyone else is waiting for our orders and when they see what I'm wearing, they hurry. It's been a while since we got a tip on where the man was but we haven't checked it out yet because I didn't feel ready, but now it's time. Whether we find him or not, we have to enter enemy territory and hence, unfortunately, Hale has to ask Cameron for help.

"Cameron, I need a favor from you," Hale says, loading his weapon.

"Absolutely, what can I help with?" asks Cameron.

"We need to enter your territory for a couple of hours," Hale replies, and Cameron looks surprised, then I choose to step forward.

"Why?" Cameron asks.

"For Leila to finally get her revenge," he replies, and Cameron curiously looks at me but picks up his phone to make the call we need.

"You guys are allowed, but I have to come along, and you need to swing by the club," Cameron and the rest of us nod.

    We walk out one by one and jump on our motorcycles. As usual, I'm first off competing with Hale on the way to the territory we're going to. Finally, I slow down to drive by his side because the president always takes the lead in driving like this. It takes a while to get us to Cameron's club, but once we get there, all the members are outdoors, prepared to intervene if necessary. Hale stays and gets off; I do the same but let my helmet stay on. I don't like to show myself if I don't have to for the enemy; because I know how they look at women. The club president walks up to Hale and shakes his hand.

"Hale, I heard from Cameron that you need our territory for a few hours. To allow it, I need to know why," Jack says.

"My vice president needs to settle the score with someone who ruined everything in one night," Hale replies, as he knows what I think.

"Oh, is it this young man who looks to be able to kill on the spot?" he asks and looks at Tyler, which makes my members laugh.

"Oh, no! Towler is much more dangerous than the rest of us together," laughs Tyler, and I find myself seeing Jack react to the name.

"So... Then who is it?" asks Jack, and I take off the helmet to let out my long blonde hair.

"I am," I respond, grinning at his confused facial expressions.

"Leila?" asks Jack and looks at me with big eyes, which amazes me.

"Yeah, do I know you?" I ask with irritation.

"Are you the daughter of Henrietta Towler?" asks Jack, and I pick up a loaded gun that I aim at him.

"Name her disgusting name one more time, and you get a bullet in your forehead, old man," I growl in anger; I don't give a s**t what this can cause; no one mentions her name in my vicinity.

"Woah! Calm down, Lei," Hale calmly tells me.

"What's going on pres?" Cameron asks and looks as confused as the rest of us while Jack breathes in deeply.

"I knew your mother, very well," he says.

"Welcome to reality, so did all the other disgusting guys in this town," I snort back.

"We were together twenty-two years ago," he says quietly, and I panic; no, no, no! This can't happen. "I'm Jack Burnson, and you, Leila, you're my daughter."

A/N:

Hello everyone!

Leila has a nervous breakdown and relive her childhood traumas...

~ What did you think about her mothers actions?

~ What did you feel during this chapter?

~ How do you think the whole Jack-thing will play out when he and Hale will start fighting for the "daddy" position?

Please let me know your thoughts since they help me develope in my creative process! Thank you for reading, lots of love.<3

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