Benjamin stumbled out of the bar, holding on to the doorframe for support. He staggered a few more feet and steadied himself on the pole of a street lamp. He wondered what the Sterns would do if they saw him. Probably send him away for good.
A young girl in a miniskirt flitted her way toward him, swinging her hips and puckering her red painted lips. An unwelcome sense of desire stirred up in Benjamin, and he craned his neck to get a better view as she departed. She turned around once with a questioning look on her face. Benjamin smiled shyly and glanced away. He thought about the Secret Seminary students who left the Sterns’ house two weeks ago. They certainly wouldn’t give in to such base temptations. And what about his employer? Mr. Stern would never let a young tart in a short skirt turn his head, and Mrs. Stern certainly wouldn’t allow for it either. But the Americans weren’t Benjamin. Did they know what it was like having a Party official show up at your school and whisk you away to a prestigious training program? Did they know how it felt to receive an honor so high you weren’t even allowed to let your parents know where you were going or say good-bye to your brothers and sisters? Did they know what it was like being fed meat every day so you could grow to be the biggest and strongest elite agent, knowing your family — upper class by North Korean standards — was struggling to scrounge two meals a day?
Benjamin held onto his spinning head. Maybe if the Sterns understood a little better, they wouldn’t begrudge him a night or two out when all he wanted to do was forget. Forget what it felt like to have a family you couldn’t care for. Forget what it felt like to act as the Party’s war machine. Unfortunately, living with the Sterns in their nice little mansion, fattening himself up in their nice little kitchen, sitting around listening to everyone sing their nice little hymns didn’t do anything to help Benjamin forget.
He tried their Western religion. He let Mr. Stern go so far as to baptize him in the oversized hot tub. It was the only time Benjamin had set foot in the master bathroom. He even tried to act like a Christian. But the promised peace never came. The platitudes and Bible verses the Sterns doled out didn’t ease the pain, and they certainly didn’t erase the memories.
Benjamin didn’t have a watch, but he knew it was getting late. He just needed to sit down and steady himself before going home. He’d sober up by morning and do his usual work around the house and yard. Sometimes he felt like the Sterns were no different than his superiors from the Party; they only wanted a strong body to show off and keep potential enemies at bay.
He shook his head. In a nearby alley, a young man rummaged through a trash pile. When he glanced up, Benjamin turned his face and stumbled away.
***