Fierce Nervous Beta

Selfish Katerina

It’s all gone

Everything is gone

Standing in the ruins of the little bakery, I now see that my home has been burned to the ground.

And I don’t feel anything! I feel numb.

Everyone is on the planes and yet here I stand.

This seems metaphorical somehow. Representative of me. Something spectacular burned to the ground by things around me.

All I wanted was to leave that f*****g pack and now I can’t. Now I’m going to be forced into a life I don’t want.

And I’m so selfish.

Here I am thinking about poor little me who doesn’t want to be given this lap of luxury when people died and the people I love have lost someone they love. During this time of destruction and chaos all I can think is I wish it never happened so I could do what I want.

Because I do. I wish it never happened. I wish I had been here.

But it did. It happened.

And now I have to fix it. Find a way to fix it:

this place

and me

———————————————

Sitting next to Misa with a full cup of Luke warm team, my mind is blank. She hasn’t said anything. But to be fair, neither have I.

“I don’t like it here.” Misa breaths out so softly I nearly miss it.

“Me neither.”

“The ocean is too calm. It’s unsettling.” She sips the tea before standing. “Goodnight Nina.”

I don’t say anything else. I just sit looking out over the ocean. The still, quite ocean.

“Try and get some sleep.” She squeezes my shoulder as she walks out.

I should go up to bed. But I just sit, staring, not thinking, barely breathing, on the Ed of being alive