A Queen's Dark Prison

Chapter 8: Broken

-Octavia-

Everything hurt, and not in the usual way. No, my entire body was aching. I could feel wounds stinging on my body. I was limping, moving slowly. Had I been in a fight? But why? Where was I? Who was I again?

I had no idea what had happened, but soon I couldn’t walk anymore and just fell to the dirty ground. A small river was running right in front of me, and I crawled closer, drinking the water. It felt cool and fresh going down my throat, but it didn’t ease the pain of the wounds much. They ached terribly.

I whimpered, the sound fading into the dark woods. I couldn’t move... I was so tired. I closed my eyes, but fear gripped my heart as soon as I did. Something told me I couldn’t sleep here, but where then?

I lifted my head, feeling a terrible burn on the side of my shoulder. Something had bitten me. I wasn’t sure how I knew. I couldn’t see my shoulder in this darkness, but I knew. It was like a feeling.

I felt scared lying here, but I had no idea where to go. It felt like I had something to do. Somewhere to be, but where?! Why couldn’t I find answers to my questions?

I let my head fall back on the cold ground again. I knew I had to move. I knew I had to be somewhere and with someone. Yes, I was looking for someone, and when I thought about them, my body felt warm, which was nice since it was so cold here.

I knew I had to get up, but I simply couldn’t. I was too tired. I was too hurt. I just wanted to lie here, even if it meant I wouldn’t wake up again. I just needed to close my eyes, so I did, and as soon as they closed, I was transported into darkness again, not sure if I would ever see the light again.

-Chris-

“Chris?”

I looked over my shoulder and saw Kate standing in the doorway. I was on the balcony, just gazing at the dark forest, the moon shining down on it. I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t been able to sleep since I got back, really. I was haunted by nightmares, which were really memories of what I had been through.

Often, Octavia’s screams would be a part of those dreams, and they would jolt me awake, yet even when I was awake, it felt like I could still hear them.

I tried not to wake Kate up. I always stayed in bed until she fell asleep. She couldn’t sleep if I wasn’t holding her in my arms. Every night, she clung to me as if I would disappear again. I understood. In some way, I feared this was all a dream as well.

Coming back, I thought it was enough, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t the same, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would be again. Kate saw it. Everyone did. How could they not? I had become quiet. Darker.

“I’m sorry, beautiful,” I said. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”

She looked at me with a sad expression on her face, hating that I was the one apologizing, but I couldn’t help myself. I knew I was hurting her too, and I had no idea how to help either of us.

She walked out to me, wearing only one of my hoodies. I opened my arms, and she quickly pressed herself close to me. It was nice to feel her close to me, but this was as far as it went. We hadn’t been intimate since I disappeared.

I tried. I really did, but... but it felt like I was dirty now, like that dirt could somehow reach her. I knew it was driving her insane that we weren’t intimate anymore. I hated it as well.

There was nothing I loved more than pleasuring my little mate, but I just wasn’t the same anymore. I didn’t know how to be what she needed me to be. It drove me crazy. I could barely even be with Ethan alone anymore. When he looked at me, I was close to breaking. He just deserved more.

“Nightmare?” she asked.

I nodded, resting my head on top of hers.

“Want to talk about it?”

I shook my head. I never did. I didn’t want her to know what happened or even to think about it. I would always protect her from my father in any way I could, and I didn’t want her to worry.

“You never do…” she murmured, leaning her head back so she could look at me.

I brushed some of her silver hair away. She still liked to keep it short and dye it, and I was all for it. It just made her look so good, but everything she wore or did to herself made her look so sexy.

I loved everything about her, and I often thanked the Goddess for bringing her into my life and Ethan too, but things had changed. There was no doubt about it, and I cursed myself for ever leaving.

I thought I could just end this stupid war. But it had cost me. Too much, it had cost me too much.

“I can’t, Kate,” I whispered.

She reached up and cupped one of my cheeks. Her eyes shimmered with pain but also with love and concern for me.

“Yes, you can,” she insisted. “Don’t we share everything?”

I nodded.

“So, talk to me!” she pleaded.

I shook my head.

“I can’t,” I confessed and pushed away from her, walking inside again and running a hand down my face.

I heard her follow me, and I knew she would. This was just the same argument we had had over and over, and we never got anywhere.

“We can’t keep doing this!” she exclaimed behind me, then glanced at the door leading into Ethan’s room. But no sound came from in there, meaning he was still sleeping.

“I know,” I admitted, slowly turning around to look at her. “I know we can’t.”

“Then talk to me!”

I looked at the ground, feeling the way my heart was torn to pieces. I wanted to. I wanted to talk to her and let her in, but I just couldn’t.

“Why not?!” she implored.

“You know why!”

“Because you are protecting me?! This isn’t protection! It is tearing us apart!” she cried, tears forming in her eyes, but I knew they wouldn’t spill. She never let them.

“Has it occurred to you that I just don’t want to talk about it?!” I snapped.

“But why?! Are we not mates? Do we not love each other? Do we not have a family together?!” she questioned me.

“We do…”

“Then talk to me!” she urged. “I can’t keep waking up in the middle of the night, searching for you, only for you to push me away!”

“I don’t want to push you away!” I insisted.

“You will barely let me touch you!”

“I just can’t handle it!”

“My touch?!” she gasped.

“Yes!”

“Why?! What did they do to you? Why won’t you just tell me?!”

“Because you will never look at me the same way again!” I shouted.

“I am already changing my view of you,” she confessed, making me draw back, shocked.

This was what I had feared for the last four months—her not being able to look at me the same way. I knew it would happen. I knew that pushing her away would do this, but I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t stand being touched right now or just talking about it. It was still a fresh and gaping wound that I had no idea how to close.

“Maybe you shouldn’t even be in here,” she suggested, wrapping her arms around herself.

“You want me out?”

She glanced at the ground.

“It feels like I am living with a stranger,” she murmured. “Like I am sleeping beside a stranger, and I don’t like it.”

It felt like I could barely breathe as I heard her say this. I wanted to tell her not to do this. I wanted to beg her to give me time because... because the idea of not being with her... I couldn’t even imagine it. It was too hard, and it tore me apart. But I also knew that in order for her to give me time, I needed to give her something too, and I wasn’t ready to give anything of myself right now. It was still too new, still too raw.

My father had ordered them not to hold back and to do anything they wanted to do to me in order to break me, and I wanted to break. I was so close. If the queen hadn’t broken out, if Phoenix hadn’t been there to free me and keep me going, I would have given in.

I knew it in my heart, and I was even more ashamed of the fact I was ready to give in than I was of what had happened—of the humiliating things they had done to me. In my mind, I had already betrayed them all. Every one of them. Even my son. My own f*cking son! I couldn’t believe I broke, but I did, and now I couldn’t look any of them in the eyes.

“You know I will always give you what you want,” I stated.

“Then—"

“But I can’t give you this," I cut in.

She looked at me, confused.

“I can’t talk about it, Kate, because I can barely keep myself together right now. I’m barely hanging on, and when you ask me to talk about it, I feel compelled to do it. You know I do, but if I say it, I am not sure I can keep myself together if I do. This isn’t about talking about it so I can cry about it and let it all out. Right now, those walls I have up keep me sane, and I am not ready to let them down because I fear if I do... I don’t know what might happen. I need time—lots of damn time—and it is unfair of me to ask you to wait. So, I will go.”

“Chris, I don’t mean forever, but I need time too,” she said.

“I know. I will gladly give it to you. I am going to stay in another room. If you need something... well, I will be on this floor.”

“Maybe you don’t really need to talk to me,” she suggested as I turned to leave. “But you need to talk to somebody. Somebody who will understand.”

I didn’t look back at her. I just walked away, out the door, and found a room two hallways down. I locked myself inside, leaning against the door and then slowly sliding to the floor. I couldn’t believe this. I wasn’t even my father’s prisoner anymore, but he was still taking from me. He was taking everything!