The Innocents Abroad

Chapter 26

What is it that confers the noblest delight? What is that which swells a

man's breast with pride above that which any other experience can bring

to him? Discovery! To know that you are walking where none others have

walked; that you are beholding what human eye has not seen before; that

you are breathing a virgin atmosphere. To give birth to an idea--to

discover a great thought--an intellectual nugget, right under the dust of

a field that many a brain--plow had gone over before. To find a new

planet, to invent a new hinge, to find the way to make the lightnings

carry your messages. To be the first--that is the idea. To do

something, say something, see something, before any body else--these are

the things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are

tame and commonplace, other ecstasies cheap and trivial. Morse, with his

first message, brought by his servant, the lightning; Fulton, in that

long-drawn century of suspense, when he placed his hand upon the

throttle-valve and lo, the steamboat moved; Jenner, when his patient with

the cow's virus in his blood, walked through the smallpox hospitals

unscathed; Howe, when the idea shot through his brain that for a hundred

and twenty generations the eye had been bored through the wrong end of

the needle; the nameless lord of art who laid down his chisel in some old

age that is forgotten, now, and gloated upon the finished Laocoon;

Daguerre, when he commanded the sun, riding in the zenith, to print the

landscape upon his insignificant silvered plate, and he obeyed; Columbus,

in the Pinta's shrouds, when he swung his hat above a fabled sea and

gazed abroad upon an unknown world! These are the men who have really

lived--who have actually comprehended what pleasure is--who have crowded

long lifetimes of ecstasy into a single moment.

What is there in Rome for me to see that others have not seen before me?

What is there for me to touch that others have not touched? What is

there for me to feel, to learn, to hear, to know, that shall thrill me

before it pass to others? What can I discover?--Nothing. Nothing

whatsoever. One charm of travel dies here. But if I were only a Roman!

--If, added to my own I could be gifted with modern Roman sloth, modern

Roman superstition, and modern Roman boundlessness of ignorance, what

bewildering worlds of unsuspected wonders I would discover! Ah, if I

were only a habitant of the Campagna five and twenty miles from Rome!

Then I would travel.

I would go to America, and see, and learn, and return to the Campagna and

stand before my countrymen an illustrious discoverer. I would say:

"I saw there a country which has no overshadowing Mother Church, and yet

the people survive. I saw a government which never was protected by

foreign soldiers at a cost greater than that required to carry on the

government itself. I saw common men and common women who could read;

I even saw small children of common country people reading from books;

if I dared think you would believe it, I would say they could write,

also.

"In the cities I saw people drinking a delicious beverage made of chalk

and water, but never once saw goats driven through their Broadway or

their Pennsylvania Avenue or their Montgomery street and milked at the

doors of the houses. I saw real glass windows in the houses of even the

commonest people. Some of the houses are not of stone, nor yet of

bricks; I solemnly swear they are made of wood. Houses there will take

fire and burn, sometimes--actually burn entirely down, and not leave a

single vestige behind. I could state that for a truth, upon my

death-bed. And as a proof that the circumstance is not rare, I aver

that they have a thing which they call a fire-engine, which vomits forth

great streams of water, and is kept always in readiness, by night and by

day, to rush to houses that are burning. You would think one engine

would be sufficient, but some great cities have a hundred; they keep men

hired, and pay them by the month to do nothing but put out fires. For a

certain sum of money other men will insure that your house shall not

burn down; and if it burns they will pay you for it. There are hundreds

and thousands of schools, and any body may go and learn to be wise, like

a priest. In that singular country if a rich man dies a sinner, he is

damned; he can not buy salvation with money for masses. There is really

not much use in being rich, there. Not much use as far as the other

world is concerned, but much, very much use, as concerns this; because

there, if a man be rich, he is very greatly honored, and can become a

legislator, a governor, a general, a senator, no matter how ignorant an

ass he is--just as in our beloved Italy the nobles hold all the great

places, even though sometimes they are born noble idiots. There, if a

man be rich, they give him costly presents, they ask him to feasts, they

invite him to drink complicated beverages; but if he be poor and in

debt, they require him to do that which they term to 'settle.' The

women put on a different dress almost every day; the dress is usually

fine, but absurd in shape; the very shape and fashion of it changes

twice in a hundred years; and did I but covet to be called an

extravagant falsifier, I would say it changed even oftener. Hair does

not grow upon the American women's heads; it is made for them by cunning

workmen in the shops, and is curled and frizzled into scandalous and

ungodly forms. Some persons wear eyes of glass which they see through

with facility perhaps, else they would not use them; and in the mouths

of some are teeth made by the sacrilegious hand of man. The dress of

the men is laughably grotesque. They carry no musket in ordinary life,

nor no long-pointed pole; they wear no wide green-lined cloak; they wear

no peaked black felt hat, no leathern gaiters reaching to the knee, no

goat-skin breeches with the hair side out, no hob-nailed shoes, no

prodigious spurs. They wear a conical hat termed a 'nail-keg;' a coat

of saddest black; a shirt which shows dirt so easily that it has to be

changed every month, and is very troublesome; things called pantaloons,

which are held up by shoulder straps, and on their feet they wear boots

which are ridiculous in pattern and can stand no wear. Yet dressed in

this fantastic garb, these people laughed at my costume. In that

country, books are so common that it is really no curiosity to see one.

Newspapers also. They have a great machine which prints such things by

thousands every hour.

"I saw common men, there--men who were neither priests nor princes--who

yet absolutely owned the land they tilled. It was not rented from the

church, nor from the nobles. I am ready to take my oath of this. In

that country you might fall from a third story window three several

times, and not mash either a soldier or a priest.--The scarcity of such

people is astonishing. In the cities you will see a dozen civilians for

every soldier, and as many for every priest or preacher. Jews, there,

are treated just like human beings, instead of dogs. They can work at

any business they please; they can sell brand new goods if they want to;

they can keep drug-stores; they can practice medicine among Christians;

they can even shake hands with Christians if they choose; they can

associate with them, just the same as one human being does with another

human being; they don't have to stay shut up in one corner of the towns;

they can live in any part of a town they like best; it is said they even

have the privilege of buying land and houses, and owning them themselves,

though I doubt that, myself; they never have had to run races naked

through the public streets, against jackasses, to please the people in

carnival time; there they never have been driven by the soldiers into a

church every Sunday for hundreds of years to hear themselves and their

religion especially and particularly cursed; at this very day, in that

curious country, a Jew is allowed to vote, hold office, yea, get up on a

rostrum in the public street and express his opinion of the government if

the government don't suit him! Ah, it is wonderful. The common people

there know a great deal; they even have the effrontery to complain if

they are not properly governed, and to take hold and help conduct the

government themselves; if they had laws like ours, which give one dollar

of every three a crop produces to the government for taxes, they would

have that law altered: instead of paying thirty-three dollars in taxes,

out of every one hundred they receive, they complain if they have to pay

seven. They are curious people. They do not know when they are well

off. Mendicant priests do not prowl among them with baskets begging for

the church and eating up their substance. One hardly ever sees a

minister of the gospel going around there in his bare feet, with a

basket, begging for subsistence. In that country the preachers are not

like our mendicant orders of friars--they have two or three suits of

clothing, and they wash sometimes. In that land are mountains far higher

than the Alban mountains; the vast Roman Campagna, a hundred miles long

and full forty broad, is really small compared to the United States of

America; the Tiber, that celebrated river of ours, which stretches its

mighty course almost two hundred miles, and which a lad can scarcely

throw a stone across at Rome, is not so long, nor yet so wide, as the

American Mississippi--nor yet the Ohio, nor even the Hudson. In America

the people are absolutely wiser and know much more than their

grandfathers did. They do not plow with a sharpened stick, nor yet with

a three-cornered block of wood that merely scratches the top of the

ground. We do that because our fathers did, three thousand years ago, I

suppose. But those people have no holy reverence for their ancestors.

They plow with a plow that is a sharp, curved blade of iron, and it cuts

into the earth full five inches. And this is not all. They cut their

grain with a horrid machine that mows down whole fields in a day. If I

dared, I would say that sometimes they use a blasphemous plow that works

by fire and vapor and tears up an acre of ground in a single hour--but

--but--I see by your looks that you do not believe the things I am telling

you. Alas, my character is ruined, and I am a branded speaker of

untruths!"

Of course we have been to the monster Church of St. Peter, frequently.

I knew its dimensions. I knew it was a prodigious structure. I knew it

was just about the length of the capitol at Washington--say seven hundred

and thirty feet. I knew it was three hundred and sixty-four feet wide,

and consequently wider than the capitol. I knew that the cross on the

top of the dome of the church was four hundred and thirty-eight feet

above the ground, and therefore about a hundred or may be a hundred and

twenty-five feet higher than the dome of the capitol.--Thus I had one

gauge. I wished to come as near forming a correct idea of how it was

going to look, as possible; I had a curiosity to see how much I would

err. I erred considerably. St. Peter's did not look nearly so large as

the capitol, and certainly not a twentieth part as beautiful, from the

outside.

When we reached the door, and stood fairly within the church, it was

impossible to comprehend that it was a very large building. I had to

cipher a comprehension of it. I had to ransack my memory for some more

similes. St. Peter's is bulky. Its height and size would represent two

of the Washington capitol set one on top of the other--if the capitol

were wider; or two blocks or two blocks and a half of ordinary buildings

set one on top of the other. St. Peter's was that large, but it could

and would not look so. The trouble was that every thing in it and about

it was on such a scale of uniform vastness that there were no contrasts

to judge by--none but the people, and I had not noticed them. They were

insects. The statues of children holding vases of holy water were

immense, according to the tables of figures, but so was every thing else

around them. The mosaic pictures in the dome were huge, and were made of

thousands and thousands of cubes of glass as large as the end of my

little finger, but those pictures looked smooth, and gaudy of color, and

in good proportion to the dome. Evidently they would not answer to

measure by. Away down toward the far end of the church (I thought it was

really clear at the far end, but discovered afterward that it was in the

centre, under the dome,) stood the thing they call the baldacchino--a

great bronze pyramidal frame-work like that which upholds a mosquito bar.

It only looked like a considerably magnified bedstead--nothing more. Yet

I knew it was a good deal more than half as high as Niagara Falls. It

was overshadowed by a dome so mighty that its own height was snubbed.

The four great square piers or pillars that stand equidistant from each

other in the church, and support the roof, I could not work up to their

real dimensions by any method of comparison. I knew that the faces of

each were about the width of a very large dwelling-house front, (fifty or

sixty feet,) and that they were twice as high as an ordinary three-story

dwelling, but still they looked small. I tried all the different ways I

could think of to compel myself to understand how large St. Peter's was,

but with small success. The mosaic portrait of an Apostle who was

writing with a pen six feet long seemed only an ordinary Apostle.

But the people attracted my attention after a while. To stand in the

door of St. Peter's and look at men down toward its further extremity,

two blocks away, has a diminishing effect on them; surrounded by the

prodigious pictures and statues, and lost in the vast spaces, they look

very much smaller than they would if they stood two blocks away in the

open air. I "averaged" a man as he passed me and watched him as he

drifted far down by the baldacchino and beyond--watched him dwindle to an

insignificant school-boy, and then, in the midst of the silent throng of

human pigmies gliding about him, I lost him. The church had lately been

decorated, on the occasion of a great ceremony in honor of St. Peter, and

men were engaged, now, in removing the flowers and gilt paper from the

walls and pillars. As no ladders could reach the great heights, the men

swung themselves down from balustrades and the capitals of pilasters by

ropes, to do this work. The upper gallery which encircles the inner

sweep of the dome is two hundred and forty feet above the floor of the

church--very few steeples in America could reach up to it. Visitors

always go up there to look down into the church because one gets the best

idea of some of the heights and distances from that point. While we

stood on the floor one of the workmen swung loose from that gallery at

the end of a long rope. I had not supposed, before, that a man could

look so much like a spider. He was insignificant in size, and his rope

seemed only a thread. Seeing that he took up so little space, I could

believe the story, then, that ten thousand troops went to St. Peter's,

once, to hear mass, and their commanding officer came afterward, and not

finding them, supposed they had not yet arrived. But they were in the

church, nevertheless--they were in one of the transepts. Nearly fifty

thousand persons assembled in St. Peter's to hear the publishing of the

dogma of the Immaculate Conception. It is estimated that the floor of

the church affords standing room for--for a large number of people; I

have forgotten the exact figures. But it is no matter--it is near

enough.

They have twelve small pillars, in St. Peter's, which came from Solomon's

Temple. They have, also--which was far more interesting to me--a piece

of the true cross, and some nails, and a part of the crown of thorns.

Of course we ascended to the summit of the dome, and of course we also

went up into the gilt copper ball which is above it.--There was room

there for a dozen persons, with a little crowding, and it was as close

and hot as an oven. Some of those people who are so fond of writing

their names in prominent places had been there before us--a million or

two, I should think. From the dome of St. Peter's one can see every

notable object in Rome, from the Castle of St. Angelo to the Coliseum.

He can discern the seven hills upon which Rome is built. He can see the

Tiber, and the locality of the bridge which Horatius kept "in the brave

days of old" when Lars Porsena attempted to cross it with his invading

host. He can see the spot where the Horatii and the Curatii fought their

famous battle. He can see the broad green Campagna, stretching away

toward the mountains, with its scattered arches and broken aqueducts of

the olden time, so picturesque in their gray ruin, and so daintily

festooned with vines. He can see the Alban Mountains, the Appenines, the

Sabine Hills, and the blue Mediterranean. He can see a panorama that is

varied, extensive, beautiful to the eye, and more illustrious in history

than any other in Europe.--About his feet is spread the remnant of a

city that once had a population of four million souls; and among its

massed edifices stand the ruins of temples, columns, and triumphal arches

that knew the Caesars, and the noonday of Roman splendor; and close by

them, in unimpaired strength, is a drain of arched and heavy masonry that

belonged to that older city which stood here before Romulus and Remus

were born or Rome thought of. The Appian Way is here yet, and looking

much as it did, perhaps, when the triumphal processions of the Emperors

moved over it in other days bringing fettered princes from the confines

of the earth. We can not see the long array of chariots and mail-clad

men laden with the spoils of conquest, but we can imagine the pageant,

after a fashion. We look out upon many objects of interest from the dome

of St. Peter's; and last of all, almost at our feet, our eyes rest upon

the building which was once the Inquisition. How times changed, between

the older ages and the new! Some seventeen or eighteen centuries ago,

the ignorant men of Rome were wont to put Christians in the arena of the

Coliseum yonder, and turn the wild beasts in upon them for a show. It

was for a lesson as well. It was to teach the people to abhor and fear

the new doctrine the followers of Christ were teaching. The beasts tore

the victims limb from limb and made poor mangled corpses of them in the

twinkling of an eye. But when the Christians came into power, when the

holy Mother Church became mistress of the barbarians, she taught them the

error of their ways by no such means. No, she put them in this pleasant

Inquisition and pointed to the Blessed Redeemer, who was so gentle and so

merciful toward all men, and they urged the barbarians to love him; and

they did all they could to persuade them to love and honor him--first by

twisting their thumbs out of joint with a screw; then by nipping their

flesh with pincers--red-hot ones, because they are the most comfortable

in cold weather; then by skinning them alive a little, and finally by

roasting them in public. They always convinced those barbarians. The

true religion, properly administered, as the good Mother Church used to

administer it, is very, very soothing. It is wonderfully persuasive,

also. There is a great difference between feeding parties to wild beasts

and stirring up their finer feelings in an Inquisition. One is the

system of degraded barbarians, the other of enlightened, civilized

people. It is a great pity the playful Inquisition is no more.

I prefer not to describe St. Peter's. It has been done before. The

ashes of Peter, the disciple of the Saviour, repose in a crypt under the

baldacchino. We stood reverently in that place; so did we also in the

Mamertine Prison, where he was confined, where he converted the soldiers,

and where tradition says he caused a spring of water to flow in order

that he might baptize them. But when they showed us the print of Peter's

face in the hard stone of the prison wall and said he made that by

falling up against it, we doubted. And when, also, the monk at the

church of San Sebastian showed us a paving-stone with two great

footprints in it and said that Peter's feet made those, we lacked

confidence again. Such things do not impress one. The monk said that

angels came and liberated Peter from prison by night, and he started away

from Rome by the Appian Way. The Saviour met him and told him to go

back, which he did. Peter left those footprints in the stone upon which

he stood at the time. It was not stated how it was ever discovered whose

footprints they were, seeing the interview occurred secretly and at

night. The print of the face in the prison was that of a man of common

size; the footprints were those of a man ten or twelve feet high. The

discrepancy confirmed our unbelief.

We necessarily visited the Forum, where Caesar was assassinated, and also

the Tarpeian Rock. We saw the Dying Gladiator at the Capitol, and I

think that even we appreciated that wonder of art; as much, perhaps, as

we did that fearful story wrought in marble, in the Vatican--the Laocoon.

And then the Coliseum.

Every body knows the picture of the Coliseum; every body recognizes at

once that "looped and windowed" band-box with a side bitten out. Being

rather isolated, it shows to better advantage than any other of the

monuments of ancient Rome. Even the beautiful Pantheon, whose pagan

altars uphold the cross, now, and whose Venus, tricked out in consecrated

gimcracks, does reluctant duty as a Virgin Mary to-day, is built about

with shabby houses and its stateliness sadly marred. But the monarch of

all European ruins, the Coliseum, maintains that reserve and that royal

seclusion which is proper to majesty. Weeds and flowers spring from its

massy arches and its circling seats, and vines hang their fringes from

its lofty walls. An impressive silence broods over the monstrous

structure where such multitudes of men and women were wont to assemble in

other days. The butterflies have taken the places of the queens of

fashion and beauty of eighteen centuries ago, and the lizards sun

themselves in the sacred seat of the Emperor. More vividly than all the

written histories, the Coliseum tells the story of Rome's grandeur and

Rome's decay. It is the worthiest type of both that exists. Moving

about the Rome of to-day, we might find it hard to believe in her old

magnificence and her millions of population; but with this stubborn

evidence before us that she was obliged to have a theatre with sitting

room for eighty thousand persons and standing room for twenty thousand

more, to accommodate such of her citizens as required amusement, we find

belief less difficult. The Coliseum is over one thousand six hundred

feet long, seven hundred and fifty wide, and one hundred and sixty-five

high. Its shape is oval.

In America we make convicts useful at the same time that we punish them

for their crimes. We farm them out and compel them to earn money for the

State by making barrels and building roads. Thus we combine business

with retribution, and all things are lovely. But in ancient Rome they

combined religious duty with pleasure. Since it was necessary that the

new sect called Christians should be exterminated, the people judged it

wise to make this work profitable to the State at the same time, and

entertaining to the public. In addition to the gladiatorial combats and

other shows, they sometimes threw members of the hated sect into the

arena of the Coliseum and turned wild beasts in upon them. It is

estimated that seventy thousand Christians suffered martyrdom in this

place. This has made the Coliseum holy ground, in the eyes of the

followers of the Saviour. And well it might; for if the chain that bound

a saint, and the footprints a saint has left upon a stone he chanced to

stand upon, be holy, surely the spot where a man gave up his life for his

faith is holy.

Seventeen or eighteen centuries ago this Coliseum was the theatre of

Rome, and Rome was mistress of the world. Splendid pageants were

exhibited here, in presence of the Emperor, the great ministers of State,

the nobles, and vast audiences of citizens of smaller consequence.

Gladiators fought with gladiators and at times with warrior prisoners

from many a distant land. It was the theatre of Rome--of the world--and

the man of fashion who could not let fall in a casual and unintentional

manner something about "my private box at the Coliseum" could not move in

the first circles. When the clothing-store merchant wished to consume

the corner grocery man with envy, he bought secured seats in the front

row and let the thing be known. When the irresistible dry goods clerk

wished to blight and destroy, according to his native instinct, he got

himself up regardless of expense and took some other fellow's young lady

to the Coliseum, and then accented the affront by cramming her with ice

cream between the acts, or by approaching the cage and stirring up the

martyrs with his whalebone cane for her edification. The Roman swell was

in his true element only when he stood up against a pillar and fingered

his moustache unconscious of the ladies; when he viewed the bloody

combats through an opera-glass two inches long; when he excited the envy

of provincials by criticisms which showed that he had been to the

Coliseum many and many a time and was long ago over the novelty of it;

when he turned away with a yawn at last and said,

"He a star! handles his sword like an apprentice brigand! he'll do for

the country, may be, but he don't answer for the metropolis!"

Glad was the contraband that had a seat in the pit at the Saturday

matinee, and happy the Roman street-boy who ate his peanuts and guyed the

gladiators from the dizzy gallery.

For me was reserved the high honor of discovering among the rubbish of

the ruined Coliseum the only playbill of that establishment now extant.

There was a suggestive smell of mint-drops about it still, a corner of it

had evidently been chewed, and on the margin, in choice Latin, these

words were written in a delicate female hand:

"Meet me on the Tarpeian Rock tomorrow evening, dear, at sharp

seven. Mother will be absent on a visit to her friends in the

Sabine Hills. CLAUDIA."

Ah, where is that lucky youth to-day, and where the little hand that

wrote those dainty lines? Dust and ashes these seventeen hundred years!

Thus reads the bill:

ROMAN COLISEUM.

UNPARALLELED ATTRACTION!

NEW PROPERTIES! NEW LIONS! NEW GLADIATORS!

Engagement of the renowned

MARCUS MARCELLUS VALERIAN!

FOR SIX NIGHTS ONLY!

The management beg leave to offer to the public an entertainment

surpassing in magnificence any thing that has heretofore been attempted

on any stage. No expense has been spared to make the opening season one

which shall be worthy the generous patronage which the management feel

sure will crown their efforts. The management beg leave to state that

they have succeeded in securing the services of a

GALAXY OF TALENT!

such as has not been beheld in Rome before.

The performance will commence this evening with a

GRAND BROADSWORD COMBAT!

between two young and promising amateurs and a celebrated Parthian

gladiator who has just arrived a prisoner from the Camp of Verus.

This will be followed by a grand moral

BATTLE-AX ENGAGEMENT!

between the renowned Valerian (with one hand tied behind him,) and two

gigantic savages from Britain.

After which the renowned Valerian (if he survive,) will fight with the

broad-sword,

LEFT HANDED!

against six Sophomores and a Freshman from the Gladiatorial College!

A long series of brilliant engagements will follow, in which the finest

talent of the Empire will take part

After which the celebrated Infant Prodigy known as

"THE YOUNG ACHILLES,"

will engage four tiger whelps in combat, armed with no other weapon than

his little spear!

The whole to conclude with a chaste and elegant

GENERAL SLAUGHTER!

In which thirteen African Lions and twenty-two Barbarian Prisoners will

war with each other until all are exterminated.

BOX OFFICE NOW OPEN.

Dress Circle One Dollar; Children and Servants half price.

An efficient police force will be on hand to preserve order and keep the

wild beasts from leaping the railings and discommoding the audience.

Doors open at 7; performance begins at 8.

POSITIVELY NO FREE LIST.

Diodorus Job Press.

It was as singular as it was gratifying that I was also so fortunate as

to find among the rubbish of the arena, a stained and mutilated copy of

the Roman Daily Battle-Ax, containing a critique upon this very

performance. It comes to hand too late by many centuries to rank as

news, and therefore I translate and publish it simply to show how very

little the general style and phraseology of dramatic criticism has

altered in the ages that have dragged their slow length along since the

carriers laid this one damp and fresh before their Roman patrons:

"THE OPENING SEASON.--COLISEUM.--Notwithstanding the inclemency of

the weather, quite a respectable number of the rank and fashion of

the city assembled last night to witness the debut upon metropolitan

boards of the young tragedian who has of late been winning such

golden opinions in the amphitheatres of the provinces. Some sixty

thousand persons were present, and but for the fact that the streets

were almost impassable, it is fair to presume that the house would

have been full. His august Majesty, the Emperor Aurelius, occupied

the imperial box, and was the cynosure of all eyes. Many

illustrious nobles and generals of the Empire graced the occasion

with their presence, and not the least among them was the young

patrician lieutenant whose laurels, won in the ranks of the

"Thundering Legion," are still so green upon his brow. The cheer

which greeted his entrance was heard beyond the Tiber!

"The late repairs and decorations add both to the comeliness and the

comfort of the Coliseum. The new cushions are a great improvement

upon the hard marble seats we have been so long accustomed to. The

present management deserve well of the public. They have restored

to the Coliseum the gilding, the rich upholstery and the uniform

magnificence which old Coliseum frequenters tell us Rome was so

proud of fifty years ago.

"The opening scene last night--the broadsword combat between two

young amateurs and a famous Parthian gladiator who was sent here a

prisoner--was very fine. The elder of the two young gentlemen

handled his weapon with a grace that marked the possession of

extraordinary talent. His feint of thrusting, followed instantly by

a happily delivered blow which unhelmeted the Parthian, was received

with hearty applause. He was not thoroughly up in the backhanded

stroke, but it was very gratifying to his numerous friends to know

that, in time, practice would have overcome this defect. However,

he was killed. His sisters, who were present, expressed

considerable regret. His mother left the Coliseum. The other youth

maintained the contest with such spirit as to call forth

enthusiastic bursts of applause. When at last he fell a corpse, his

aged mother ran screaming, with hair disheveled and tears streaming

from her eyes, and swooned away just as her hands were clutching at

the railings of the arena. She was promptly removed by the police.

Under the circumstances the woman's conduct was pardonable, perhaps,

but we suggest that such exhibitions interfere with the decorum

which should be preserved during the performances, and are highly

improper in the presence of the Emperor. The Parthian prisoner

fought bravely and well; and well he might, for he was fighting for

both life and liberty. His wife and children were there to nerve

his arm with their love, and to remind him of the old home he should

see again if he conquered. When his second assailant fell, the

woman clasped her children to her breast and wept for joy. But it

was only a transient happiness. The captive staggered toward her

and she saw that the liberty he had earned was earned too late. He

was wounded unto death. Thus the first act closed in a manner which

was entirely satisfactory. The manager was called before the

curtain and returned his thanks for the honor done him, in a speech

which was replete with wit and humor, and closed by hoping that his

humble efforts to afford cheerful and instructive entertainment

would continue to meet with the approbation of the Roman public

"The star now appeared, and was received with vociferous applause

and the simultaneous waving of sixty thousand handkerchiefs. Marcus

Marcellus Valerian (stage name--his real name is Smith,) is a

splendid specimen of physical development, and an artist of rare

merit. His management of the battle-ax is wonderful. His gayety

and his playfulness are irresistible, in his comic parts, and yet

they are inferior to his sublime conceptions in the grave realm of

tragedy. When his ax was describing fiery circles about the heads

of the bewildered barbarians, in exact time with his springing body

and his prancing legs, the audience gave way to uncontrollable

bursts of laughter; but when the back of his weapon broke the skull

of one and almost in the same instant its edge clove the other's

body in twain, the howl of enthusiastic applause that shook the

building, was the acknowledgment of a critical assemblage that he

was a master of the noblest department of his profession. If he has

a fault, (and we are sorry to even intimate that he has,) it is that

of glancing at the audience, in the midst of the most exciting

moments of the performance, as if seeking admiration. The pausing

in a fight to bow when bouquets are thrown to him is also in bad

taste. In the great left-handed combat he appeared to be looking at

the audience half the time, instead of carving his adversaries; and

when he had slain all the sophomores and was dallying with the

freshman, he stooped and snatched a bouquet as it fell, and offered

it to his adversary at a time when a blow was descending which

promised favorably to be his death-warrant. Such levity is proper

enough in the provinces, we make no doubt, but it ill suits the

dignity of the metropolis. We trust our young friend will take

these remarks in good part, for we mean them solely for his benefit.

All who know us are aware that although we are at times justly

severe upon tigers and martyrs, we never intentionally offend

gladiators.

"The Infant Prodigy performed wonders. He overcame his four tiger

whelps with ease, and with no other hurt than the loss of a portion

of his scalp. The General Slaughter was rendered with a

faithfulness to details which reflects the highest credit upon the

late participants in it.

"Upon the whole, last night's performances shed honor not only upon

the management but upon the city that encourages and sustains such

wholesome and instructive entertainments. We would simply suggest

that the practice of vulgar young boys in the gallery of shying

peanuts and paper pellets at the tigers, and saying "Hi-yi!" and

manifesting approbation or dissatisfaction by such observations as

"Bully for the lion!" "Go it, Gladdy!" "Boots!" "Speech!" "Take

a walk round the block!" and so on, are extremely reprehensible,

when the Emperor is present, and ought to be stopped by the police.

Several times last night, when the supernumeraries entered the arena

to drag out the bodies, the young ruffians in the gallery shouted,

"Supe! supe!" and also, "Oh, what a coat!" and "Why don't you pad

them shanks?" and made use of various other remarks expressive of

derision. These things are very annoying to the audience.

"A matinee for the little folks is promised for this afternoon, on

which occasion several martyrs will be eaten by the tigers. The

regular performance will continue every night till further notice.

Material change of programme every evening. Benefit of Valerian,

Tuesday, 29th, if he lives."

I have been a dramatic critic myself, in my time, and I was often

surprised to notice how much more I knew about Hamlet than Forrest did;

and it gratifies me to observe, now, how much better my brethren of

ancient times knew how a broad sword battle ought to be fought than the

gladiators.

In the 1600s, Balthasar Gracian, a jesuit priest wrote 300 aphorisms on living life called "The Art of Worldly Wisdom." Join our newsletter below and read them all, one at a time.