The Innocents Abroad

Chapter 10

We passed the Fourth of July on board the Quaker City, in mid-ocean. It

was in all respects a characteristic Mediterranean day--faultlessly

beautiful. A cloudless sky; a refreshing summer wind; a radiant sunshine

that glinted cheerily from dancing wavelets instead of crested mountains

of water; a sea beneath us that was so wonderfully blue, so richly,

brilliantly blue, that it overcame the dullest sensibilities with the

spell of its fascination.

They even have fine sunsets on the Mediterranean--a thing that is

certainly rare in most quarters of the globe. The evening we sailed away

from Gibraltar, that hard-featured rock was swimming in a creamy mist so

rich, so soft, so enchantingly vague and dreamy, that even the Oracle,

that serene, that inspired, that overpowering humbug, scorned the dinner

gong and tarried to worship!

He said: "Well, that's gorgis, ain't it! They don't have none of them

things in our parts, do they? I consider that them effects is on account

of the superior refragability, as you may say, of the sun's diramic

combination with the lymphatic forces of the perihelion of Jubiter. What

should you think?"

"Oh, go to bed!" Dan said that, and went away.

"Oh, yes, it's all very well to say go to bed when a man makes an

argument which another man can't answer. Dan don't never stand any

chance in an argument with me. And he knows it, too. What should you

say, Jack?"

"Now, Doctor, don't you come bothering around me with that dictionary

bosh. I don't do you any harm, do I? Then you let me alone."

"He's gone, too. Well, them fellows have all tackled the old Oracle, as

they say, but the old man's most too many for 'em. Maybe the Poet Lariat

ain't satisfied with them deductions?"

The poet replied with a barbarous rhyme and went below.

"'Pears that he can't qualify, neither. Well, I didn't expect nothing

out of him. I never see one of them poets yet that knowed anything.

He'll go down now and grind out about four reams of the awfullest slush

about that old rock and give it to a consul, or a pilot, or a n****r, or

anybody he comes across first which he can impose on. Pity but

somebody'd take that poor old lunatic and dig all that poetry rubbage out

of him. Why can't a man put his intellect onto things that's some value?

Gibbons, and Hippocratus, and Sarcophagus, and all them old ancient

philosophers was down on poets--"

"Doctor," I said, "you are going to invent authorities now and I'll leave

you, too. I always enjoy your conversation, notwithstanding the

luxuriance of your syllables, when the philosophy you offer rests on your

own responsibility; but when you begin to soar--when you begin to support

it with the evidence of authorities who are the creations of your own

fancy--I lose confidence."

That was the way to flatter the doctor. He considered it a sort of

acknowledgment on my part of a fear to argue with him. He was always

persecuting the passengers with abstruse propositions framed in language

that no man could understand, and they endured the exquisite torture a

minute or two and then abandoned the field. A triumph like this, over

half a dozen antagonists was sufficient for one day; from that time

forward he would patrol the decks beaming blandly upon all comers, and so

tranquilly, blissfully happy!

But I digress. The thunder of our two brave cannon announced the Fourth

of July, at daylight, to all who were awake. But many of us got our

information at a later hour, from the almanac. All the flags were sent

aloft except half a dozen that were needed to decorate portions of the

ship below, and in a short time the vessel assumed a holiday appearance.

During the morning, meetings were held and all manner of committees set

to work on the celebration ceremonies. In the afternoon the ship's

company assembled aft, on deck, under the awnings; the flute, the

asthmatic melodeon, and the consumptive clarinet crippled "The

Star-Spangled Banner," the choir chased it to cover, and George came in

with a peculiarly lacerating screech on the final note and slaughtered

it. Nobody mourned.

We carried out the corpse on three cheers (that joke was not intentional

and I do not endorse it), and then the President, throned behind a cable

locker with a national flag spread over it, announced the "Reader," who

rose up and read that same old Declaration of Independence which we have

all listened to so often without paying any attention to what it said;

and after that the President piped the Orator of the Day to quarters and

he made that same old speech about our national greatness which we so

religiously believe and so fervently applaud. Now came the choir into

court again, with the complaining instruments, and assaulted "Hail

Columbia"; and when victory hung wavering in the scale, George returned

with his dreadful wild-goose stop turned on and the choir won, of course.

A minister pronounced the benediction, and the patriotic little gathering

disbanded. The Fourth of July was safe, as far as the Mediterranean was

concerned.

At dinner in the evening, a well-written original poem was recited with

spirit by one of the ship's captains, and thirteen regular toasts were

washed down with several baskets of champagne. The speeches were bad

--execrable almost without exception. In fact, without any exception but

one. Captain Duncan made a good speech; he made the only good speech of

the evening. He said:

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:--May we all live to a green old age and be

prosperous and happy. Steward, bring up another basket of champagne."

It was regarded as a very able effort.

The festivities, so to speak, closed with another of those miraculous

balls on the promenade deck. We were not used to dancing on an even

keel, though, and it was only a questionable success. But take it all

together, it was a bright, cheerful, pleasant Fourth.

Toward nightfall the next evening, we steamed into the great artificial

harbor of this noble city of Marseilles, and saw the dying sunlight gild

its clustering spires and ramparts, and flood its leagues of environing

verdure with a mellow radiance that touched with an added charm the white

villas that flecked the landscape far and near. [Copyright secured

according to law.]

There were no stages out, and we could not get on the pier from the ship.

It was annoying. We were full of enthusiasm--we wanted to see France!

Just at nightfall our party of three contracted with a waterman for the

privilege of using his boat as a bridge--its stern was at our companion

ladder and its bow touched the pier. We got in and the fellow backed out

into the harbor. I told him in French that all we wanted was to walk

over his thwarts and step ashore, and asked him what he went away out

there for. He said he could not understand me. I repeated. Still he

could not understand. He appeared to be very ignorant of French. The

doctor tried him, but he could not understand the doctor. I asked this

boatman to explain his conduct, which he did; and then I couldn't

understand him. Dan said:

"Oh, go to the pier, you old fool--that's where we want to go!"

We reasoned calmly with Dan that it was useless to speak to this

foreigner in English--that he had better let us conduct this business in

the French language and not let the stranger see how uncultivated he was.

"Well, go on, go on," he said, "don't mind me. I don't wish to

interfere. Only, if you go on telling him in your kind of French, he

never will find out where we want to go to. That is what I think about

it."

We rebuked him severely for this remark and said we never knew an

ignorant person yet but was prejudiced. The Frenchman spoke again, and

the doctor said:

"There now, Dan, he says he is going to allez to the douain. Means he is

going to the hotel. Oh, certainly--we don't know the French language."

This was a crusher, as Jack would say. It silenced further criticism

from the disaffected member. We coasted past the sharp bows of a navy of

great steamships and stopped at last at a government building on a stone

pier. It was easy to remember then that the douain was the customhouse

and not the hotel. We did not mention it, however. With winning French

politeness the officers merely opened and closed our satchels, declined

to examine our passports, and sent us on our way. We stopped at the

first cafe we came to and entered. An old woman seated us at a table and

waited for orders. The doctor said:

"Avez-vous du vin?"

The dame looked perplexed. The doctor said again, with elaborate

distinctness of articulation:

"Avez-vous du--vin!"

The dame looked more perplexed than before. I said:

"Doctor, there is a flaw in your pronunciation somewhere. Let me try

her. Madame, avez-vous du vin?--It isn't any use, Doctor--take the

witness."

"Madame, avez-vous du vin--du fromage--pain--pickled pigs' feet--beurre

--des oeufs--du boeuf--horseradish, sauerkraut, hog and hominy--anything,

anything in the world that can stay a Christian stomach!"

She said:

"Bless you, why didn't you speak English before? I don't know anything

about your plagued French!"

The humiliating taunts of the disaffected member spoiled the supper, and

we dispatched it in angry silence and got away as soon as we could. Here

we were in beautiful France--in a vast stone house of quaint

architecture--surrounded by all manner of curiously worded French signs

--stared at by strangely habited, bearded French people--everything

gradually and surely forcing upon us the coveted consciousness that at

last, and beyond all question, we were in beautiful France and absorbing

its nature to the forgetfulness of everything else, and coming to feel

the happy romance of the thing in all its enchanting delightfulness--and

to think of this skinny veteran intruding with her vile English, at such

a moment, to blow the fair vision to the winds! It was exasperating.

We set out to find the centre of the city, inquiring the direction every

now and then. We never did succeed in making anybody understand just

exactly what we wanted, and neither did we ever succeed in comprehending

just exactly what they said in reply, but then they always pointed--they

always did that--and we bowed politely and said, "Merci, monsieur," and

so it was a blighting triumph over the disaffected member anyway. He was

restive under these victories and often asked:

"What did that pirate say?"

"Why, he told us which way to go to find the Grand Casino."

"Yes, but what did he say?"

"Oh, it don't matter what he said--we understood him. These are educated

people--not like that absurd boatman."

"Well, I wish they were educated enough to tell a man a direction that

goes some where--for we've been going around in a circle for an hour.

I've passed this same old drugstore seven times."

We said it was a low, disreputable falsehood (but we knew it was not).

It was plain that it would not do to pass that drugstore again, though

--we might go on asking directions, but we must cease from following

finger-pointings if we hoped to check the suspicions of the disaffected

member.

A long walk through smooth, asphaltum-paved streets bordered by blocks of

vast new mercantile houses of cream-colored stone every house and every

block precisely like all the other houses and all the other blocks for a

mile, and all brilliantly lighted--brought us at last to the principal

thoroughfare. On every hand were bright colors, flashing constellations

of gas burners, gaily dressed men and women thronging the sidewalks

--hurry, life, activity, cheerfulness, conversation, and laughter

everywhere! We found the Grand Hotel du Louvre et de la Paix, and wrote

down who we were, where we were born, what our occupations were, the

place we came from last, whether we were married or single, how we liked

it, how old we were, where we were bound for and when we expected to get

there, and a great deal of information of similar importance--all for the

benefit of the landlord and the secret police. We hired a guide and

began the business of sightseeing immediately. That first night on

French soil was a stirring one. I cannot think of half the places we

went to or what we particularly saw; we had no disposition to examine

carefully into anything at all--we only wanted to glance and go--to move,

keep moving! The spirit of the country was upon us. We sat down,

finally, at a late hour, in the great Casino, and called for unstinted

champagne. It is so easy to be bloated aristocrats where it costs

nothing of consequence! There were about five hundred people in that

dazzling place, I suppose, though the walls being papered entirely with

mirrors, so to speak, one could not really tell but that there were a

hundred thousand. Young, daintily dressed exquisites and young,

stylishly dressed women, and also old gentlemen and old ladies, sat in

couples and groups about innumerable marble-topped tables and ate fancy

suppers, drank wine, and kept up a chattering din of conversation that

was dazing to the senses. There was a stage at the far end and a large

orchestra; and every now and then actors and actresses in preposterous

comic dresses came out and sang the most extravagantly funny songs, to

judge by their absurd actions; but that audience merely suspended its

chatter, stared cynically, and never once smiled, never once applauded!

I had always thought that Frenchmen were ready to laugh at any thing.