young and confused

in my life I've always known that people die but I just never thought that I would or anyone close to me could but then reality came to play very soon for me at just 16 my dad died I was so shocked and scared at the same time my world was in rumbles knowing he would be here but he's not, realizing he would never be here I would never see or hear his voice nor be able to have a conversation with him I took I real bad I began to drink starting smoking every hour going out all night not caring how my mom or anyone felt I was just doing me now I started to think if I'm going to die too so what do I have to lose I was in a world where I was the god but still with that was was scared I couldn't sleep closing my eyes would be a nightmare all I could see was my fathers face but now with that I saw my mom dieing in a dream do I feared losing her now too so I was now teriffed because losing my dad hurt but if I lost my mom it would be like the world is ending without having any clue of what to do its now been 7 years an I'm still scared I can't sleep alone because I start thinking about when I'm going to die an what it would be like but for now I just try not to give my self a heart attack .