Lost in his embrace

Chapter 4.2

I try to catch his expression but to my utter dismay, it's really dark in our spot. When he's inches away, I feel his gaze lock mine and it's penetrating. My throat bobs up and down as he lifts his hand towards my face before he caresses it with the back of his palm. I try to search for words to say but my mind seems occupied with his touch—I'm lost in the waves of unknown. He then reaches for my hand and places it on his chest before he wraps his arms around me tightly which catches me off guard.

I can feel the rapid beating of his heart through my palm. I close my eyes to also feel mine and they seem in sync. “You don't know what I feel. . . Van, you don't know. The word miss is even an underestimate," he whispers hoarsely near my neck.

I shiver up and down my spine as his hot breath lands upon my neck. The freezing temperature seems to subside as his warmness spreads all over my body.

I close my eyes as he starts planting warm kisses on my neck. I want to savour this moment—the moment that he's being with himself. the sweet Tyler that knows me and not the Tyler who can't stand a stare with me and definitely not the tyler who acts as though he doesn't know me—as though he's hiding me.

I step backward to support myself against his car as he pushes himself on me. He continues kissing me up my chin, jaw and lips while he keeps whispering he loves me. My heart skips a beat every time he says it. Why am I blinded? Why did I let this wonderful feeling slip my hand before.

When he's almost out of breath, he stops and looks straight in my eyes. “I love you and I hope you feel that.”

I feel his uneven breathing and the rapid beating of his heart against my chest. He doesn't say a word after that and neither do I.

I rest my chin across his shoulder and lean my temple against the side of his head.

I just realised one thing; I'm always overwhelmed with his love every time he's with me. I never felt a tinge of lack everytime we were together. He always showed his utmost love, but I failed to appreciate it because I always focused on what would come after every time he left me—The heart shattering feeling. I didn't know I already became self-centered and I feel bad for doubting him.

Now, I wonder, does he also feel overwhelmed with my love? Or I'm so focused on my feelings that I forgot about him.

I bury my head in his neck and whisper genuinely, “I love you.” I run my fingers through the back of his head and gently rub it back and effort. He doesn't reply but I feel his embrace tighten. Suddenly, I feel drops of water on the side of my neck. I feel my heart disintegrate into pieces feeling the touch of his tears.

I didn't realise I never said those words to him before and here I was, thinking he was unfair and inconsiderate when I was the one who didn't bother to let him feel my love for him because I was too busy—too focused on the pain I felt inside.

What about the pain he bears every day? He doesn't make a sound as he cries but I can still feel his tears dropping across my nape. I want to catch his tears and say sorry but I don't have the courage because I feel so embarrassed inside.

I feel so greedy for wanting more when a second with him is enough to fill the void in my heart—A second with him is already enough—What did I even think for two years with him? I want to ask myself, Did I even make him feel the love that he deserves the way he makes me feel overwhelmed with his love?

'Donovan, You were so unfair for thinking he's unfair.'

I met him three years ago when I first studied at Hercules University, where we are studying right now. We bumped into each other countless times on campus but did not have the chance to talk to each other because I'm not really that kind of person who initiates talking except if he/she's my friend. And we're totally strangers. It was a year after when we had a first and weird interaction.

Although, I caught his blue eyes stare at me sometimes with a very serious expression plastered across his face, at first, I did not think much about it because I thought he had just zoned out.

There were no students that time since they were all in the gym because the school was currently holding an annual event. I actually admired him because I was amazed by how good he was at dancing. before I left the gym on that same day, I watched him perform with his group. So, I was a bit surprised to see him show up in the bathroom. I didn't think bad about it at first since it's a bathroom so it's normal for students to enter inside but the thing is that he locked the door.

I thought he was psychotic and I was his next target since I caught him staring at me several times. I readied myself to fight him even though my heart was currently smashing against my ribcage because what if he was really there to murder me? Plus, the timing didn't help: There were no students and all the professors were in the gym so it was like, it was planned and he really was there to murder me. What happened after that shocked me even more.

He asked, “Are you gay?” with a serious expression.

I felt my blood immediately boil in anger since I wasn't gay and I knew inside myself that I was straight as the tallest building across the world. “Are you kidding me?!” I shouted. What if he hated gays and if he found out I was gay event though I wasn't, he would kill me. I tried to look at his sides if he was holding a sharp object. I heaved a sigh inwardly when his hands were fortunately empty.

I mentally let out a sigh and then I checked myself if I looked like a straight man enough. Fortunately, yes. In case, If he really was a homophobic.

I saw his brows knit tightly together after he heard me."So. . . you're not." I heard him mumble under his breath as he gazed me.

And the rest is history.

Silence reigns between us and only our heartbeats talk to each other. They seem content and engrossed in a happy conversation. From now on I want to treasure his presence even if it's only a second that we'll be together because, Although, It's late before I realised that it only takes a second moment with him to make me feel drowned in his love.

He's still silent. I want to say something but I still feel embarrassed.

“Van.” his voice is a bit raspy. We are still in this position but I don't feel uncomfortable at all.

He gently pushes me off him before he holds my face and faces me. I can barely see his expression because it's dark but I can feel his gaze on me.

“I want to hear it again.” heat rushes up my cheeks. I want to shout it out loud but I suddenly lose my courage. I want to punch my face. f**k. Why can't I say it now. When silence engulfs me, I hear him heave a sigh before he turns his back on me in an attempt to leave.

My eyes immediately flare in panic before I hear myself say under my breath, “Tyler. . . I love you.” he halts his steps but he doesn't turn around. I feel my cheeks redden as I rub the edge of my eyebrow. He doesn't make me feel that I'm obligated to say it, it's just that I'm really embarrassed.

“What?”

“Tyler Carson. I. Love. You.” He turns to face me but he doesn't move still. I wonder if he believes me.

I feel him stare at me before he walks forward slowly. When he's inches away, I can feel the wide smile plaster across his face through the darkness. He places his thumb beneath my chin to tilt my face upward. My height is 5'8 and his is 6'0 so he's a bit taller than me. He leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my lips.

“I love you.”

There are exactly two inches gap between us as he whispers that to me. Why did I even forget to tell him how much I love him? Remembering back all our moments together, I don't remember telling him that I love him nor I like him.

I know it shouldn't be told forced but I knew inside myself that I was already in love with him in the first year that we became together and I don't know if I even made him feel my love to him. Perhaps, he was thinking all along that I didn't love him.

I feel so sorry inside.

I grin back at him even though I'm not sure if he can clearly see my expression.

“How can't I love someone like you when your sole flaw is your ugly runs?” I feel my lips stretch into a wide smile as I tease him. He has a lot of flaws and so am I.

All his flaws make him perfect, make him Tyler to be exact. I want to say one thing: we define things from how we perceive them. thus, our flaws only become flaws because we view them as they are. They are actually not flaws. they are just viewed not normal because most people don't possess them. it's just you being unique and that's what makes you different.