Chapter One: Hey There Hot Stuff
“Nope,” Devina said as she swiped left, yet again.
“Have you swiped right even once yet?” Sibil asked from her perch on the counter beside the stove, wine glass in hand.
The two young women were fresh in from a dud of a party, and it was Sibil’s night to cook the post-party-pasta for the two of them.
They had already stripped out of their party dresses and slipped into their ratty old t-shirts and sweats. Sibil was making the food while Devina pulled up something to stream on the TV.
Devina and Sibil had been thick as thieves from day one of their first year of college at Georgetown. Against all odds and several boyfriends who threatened engagement to them both at one point or another, the two remained roommates even at the age of 28. They could both afford to live alone; they just didn’t want to.
Devina sighed as she stretched, then heaved her sore body off the sofa. She shuffled to the kitchen, stole the wine glass out of Sibil’s hand, and drained it.
Sibil laughed and reached behind her to pull down another glass.
“I take that as a no. You do realize that if you insist on no more party boys, you have to either start letting me set you up or give this online dating thing a try. The perfect man won't find you if you stay in sweats on the sofa every night.” Sibil said as Devina uncorked another wine bottle.
“I am painfully aware of that, Sibil; thank you for the reminder.” Devina took another large swig of wine, “I simply cannot see another photo of a mediocre man with a f*****g fish in his hands. Or another mediocre man who is obsessed with The Office, or hiking, or the gym. I mean my god- these men have, like, one hobby at best, and it is the hill they are determined to die on!”
Sibil snorted a laugh with a shake of her head.
“Ever thought about just giving up and dating women?” Sibil asked with a mischievous wiggle of her eyebrows.
Devina rolled her eyes and stirred the pasta on the stove, “You know I dated that hot girl from Sweden Junior year. It only lasted because I enjoyed the fact that all the boys were jealous of me for nailing the hottest girl on campus. Well, that and the s*x was out of this world- but I can’t force a connection just because the s*x is good! Believe me, if I could make myself love women the way I love shitty toxic men, I would do it!”
“Ahh that's right, I always forget about Sasha. God damn, she was fine,”
“Right?!” Devina said, lifting her glass to cheers to the hotness of her one female ex-lover.
“I need Sasha-level orgasms from a male who has more than one hobby or interest that has nothing to do with fishing, hiking, or the gym. Oh, and football- f**k that. No football,”
“So you want a unicorn?” Sibil said earnestly as she drained the noodles and stirred in the powdered cheese.
Neither one of them would be caught dead eating this type of processed junk while sober, but since they were 18 and sneaking wine coolers from the creepy gas station attendant down the street from their sorority house, they had always turned to good ‘ole boxed mac-n-cheese when they needed a post-party-pick-me-up.
“Yes, Sibil, I need a f*****g unicorn!” Devina said, finishing her second glass of malbec.
She would have a hell of a hangover tomorrow, but she didn’t care at that moment. She simply wanted the sweet release of emotions that a good bottle of wine gave her, followed by a rock-hard sleep through the night.
Once situated on the sofa, the two seemed to scroll endlessly through various streaming platforms looking for a show or movie they hadn’t already seen.
“What about that weird show we started a few months ago? You know the one with the female dominatrix and her quirky gay sidekick?” Sibil said around a mouthful of too hot to eat mac-n-cheese.
“You mean BONDiNG on Netflix?” Devina asked.
“Yeah, that was cute and kinda hot. Let's watch that,”
Devina shrugged. It had been a cute pilot, and she couldn’t remember why they hadn’t kept watching it anyway.
Soon the girls were five episodes deep, moved on to a third bottle of wine, and were so drunk they both knew they would not be attending yoga in the morning as planned.
“That's what I want,” Sibil said, her words semi-slurred, although it was unclear if it was from the wine they drank or because she always waited until her utensil was in her mouth before deciding to speak.
“You want to wear a latex catsuit and have men pay you to spend their money and push them around?” Devina asked with a laugh.
“Yeah, man, come on, look at her! She’s hot, and she’s in control, she’s making hella money without all the corporate bullshit we deal with. Why wouldn’t I want that?”
“I couldn’t do it. I really couldn’t be dominant over a man. Call me old-fashioned, but I want a man to take the lead in the bedroom at the very least.” Devina replied before drinking the last of the wine straight from the bottle.
“I could see that for you. Maybe that's what you need to be looking for on these sites. Look for a Dom, not a fish-fucker,”
“What exactly about me makes you think I want a Dom?! I just said I couldn’t handle being dominant over a man! Not that I want to be the one on the floor in the collar!” Devina said between hiccups.
“Why did you and Daniel break up?” Sibil asked.
“Because he couldn’t decide what he wanted to do if his life depended on it. He couldn’t pick a restaurant, couldn’t pick a beer, couldn’t pick out his underwear. I swear his mother probably still buys it for him,”
“And Carter? What was his fatal flaw?”
“No job, no ambition in life, and no respect for mine. He could care less that I was a top performer at my company only six months in. He judged me so hard for working for the corporate man yet couldn’t afford to even go halfsies on a dinner out with me,”
“Jordan?”
“Selfish in bed and generally just boring. I don’t think I had a real orgasm the entire five months we were together,”
“Okay, so round them up together. You don't like men who cannot make decisions, who do not have ambition or respect for yours, and men who are selfish in bed—all opposite qualities of a good Dom, per Mistress May. Find yourself a Dom and you may just find yourself the unicorn you are looking for,” Sibil said as she wobbled herself up off the sofa to dump their dishes in the sink.
“You’re too drunk to make sense, Sibil. Go to bed!”
“Here, give me your phone. Let me swipe for a minute, and then I'm off to bed. I’m so skipping yoga, but I did promise my tinder date from Wednesday that I would get tacos with him tomorrow for lunch, and he gave good head. Hence, I need beauty sleep before I see him again,” Sibil said, reaching over the back of the sofa and plucking Devina’s phone right out of her hands.
“Ugh, fine. Swipe away. I won’t message any of them anyways.”
Minutes later, Devina was rough scrubbing her makeup off while still swiping left aggressively.
She was stumbling out of her sweats and into her bed when she heard the ping of a match from the dating app on her phone.
“s**t!” Devina shouted as she realized that she must have accidentally swiped right in her drunkenness.
She climbed under the covers, plugged her phone into its charging cord, then pulled the phone up to hover above her face.
‘Please don’t be ugly,” Devina whispered to herself.
It didn’t matter; she wouldn’t be messaging them either way.
Devina tapped the photo of the man she had just matched with, and her eyes grew wide.
“Holy f**k, you, Sir are delicious!”
6’4, lean but obviously heavily muscled build, striking green eyes, a golden tan to his skin that screamed Hispanic heritage, and the beautiful thick brown hair to further prove it.
She flicked through all six photos to get to the bio portion.
Hola! I’m Jacob! New to town from overseas. Looking for new friends and new experiences. Sorry to report, I don’t have any photos with fish, and I don’t own a dog. I workout, but only because I have a severe sweet tooth. I would much prefer to join you in yoga than to throw weights around. I enjoy reading when I have the time, and I dabble in home cooking. If we match, I hope to hear from you! I can promise you won’t be disappointed after a date with me. D.
Devina may have actually started drooling as she read and reread his bio over and over.
What happened next only happened because she was drunk, and he was that hot in his profile photo in an all-black suit. His neck tattoos peeking out from beneath his collar is what really did her in.
DEVINA: Hey there, hot stuff! ;)
“OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!” Devina shrieked as she read back what she had sent.
Her therapist was going to lovvveeee hearing all about this for the next three months.
The little text reply dots almost immediately popped up to her shock and surprise.
JACOB: Oh my, what a greeting! Tell me, do you say that to all the boys you message?
Devina did a double-take. Was this guy insulting her? She couldn’t tell.
DEVINA: Nope! You, Sir happen to be the first and only male I have messaged on a dating app, ever. So take that!
Devina was giggling to herself now. When you come out of the gate as aggressively cringy as she had, there's really no reason to hold back after that. Might as well give up the game and just be yourself. Cringe and all.
JACOB: Oh? So I am taking your dating app virginity then? Well, I feel honored to have been chosen. I hope it's as good for you as it is for me so far.
“Ohhhh this sly mother fucker!” Devina said aloud to herself as she pulled her body up and flicked her bedside light back on.
DEVINA: Virginity is a social construct created by men to control women and quantify their worth when including them in their business dealings.
*SEND*
Devina watched with building anxiety as the reply dots popped up four times before an actual reply came through.
JACOB: Damn, tell me you’re an educated woman without just saying it why don’t ya!
Devina snorted a laugh before firing off her reply, unbothered by the speed of it.
DEVINA: YUPPP. Don’t tell me, you’re a devoted man of the church, and you are only looking for a wife to add value to your home if she is pure?
JACOB: You, my dear, are a riot! I am indeed just a common sinner. I hope my indiscretions in my past lives do not offend you.
DEVINA: THANK GOD! I was worried this would be over before it even got a chance to start.
JACOB: Oh yeah? Is that your way of telling me it would be alright if I asked you to coffee tomorrow?
Devina stared at the screen, blinking a few times to make sure she correctly read it.
“What the hell, why not! Why should Sibil get all the good head and tacos!” Devina said as her thumbs danced frantically over her screen in reply.
DEVINA: That is precisely what I meant. I’m free at noon if you are.
JACOB: Meet at Holly’s Book Shop by the GW metro station then?
DEVINA: I will be there ;) look for the girl in red.
JACOB: Oh, I will be looking. Goodnight Devina.
Devina felt electricity flying through her body.
It had been nearly a year since she had been on a date.
After the end of her three years long on/off s**t show of a relationship with her ex Rhett, she had been in a major depressive episode turned dry spell. But hopefully, thanks to her drunken fingers and her liquid courage, that would be turning around starting tomorrow!
She set her alarm, flicked off her light, and sank deep into the blissful slumber of a wine drunk Friday night.
