Hours later, Jace lay in his room listening to music, trying his best to drown it all out. It wasn’t working - he felt more worked up than ever, his mind a mess of memories and regrets for all that had gone before, and fears for what had yet to come.
He. Was. So. f****d. Up.
While most kids were probably hooking up, or just hanging out right now, he was a ball of nerves. His pain was tangled inside him so tightly, it seemed impossible he’d ever be free of it. Maia had tried countless times to encourage him to see a professional so he could work out a way to work through his feelings so he could be happy, but he didn’t need some stuffed shirt geek telling him what he already knew; he had massive Daddy issues. What no one seemed to get though, was that he didn’t even care about being happy, he just wanted to be normal. Whatever that was.
He stood up and threw open his balcony doors, walking out into the breeze, enjoying the fading warmth of the sun.
Moving to the far corner of the balcony, he flopped onto the faded blue couch his Mum had been trying to convince him to throw out for years. Picking at the fraying material, and circling the small burn marks on the arm rests, Jace felt unexpectedly peaceful.
He loved this couch, loved that it was worn and used. Loved that it had personality and filled with as many holes as memories. It was a part of him, and he wasn’t sure he could ever really give this part up.
He relaxed into the couch, draping his legs off the end, resting his head on his arms as he watched the sun begin its descent from the sky. As he closed his eyes, he relished the feeling of warmth and quiet, savouring what he knew would never last long.
*
It was the same dream again.
The one he’d have at least three times a week, only this time, for the first time ever, it was a little different.
He was running as fast as he could through a whole lot of nothing, searching for something, anything. A way out, a light, a glimmer of hope perhaps.
There was nothing. Nothing except the beating of his feet on the ground, the pounding of his heart, and the cold darkness choking him.
Wisps of grey swept towards him, opening old scars as they touched his skin, sapping all his energy, and dulling his awareness.
He had to escape, he didn’t want to die here.
He kept running until finally, a fragment of light began to appear like a beacon.
He ran faster and faster until it brightened, praying he made it to the light before it was too late, and he had succumbed to the darkness.
“Jace.”
The voice had him stumbling over his feet.
No one spoke in here, no one was ever in here with him.
“I’m here!” he tried to scream, but it came out as a low rasp.
He finally reached the light, the darkness slipping away from him but still hovering just outside his reach.
As his eyes adjusted to the sudden light, he noticed her. She was lying in the middle of the room, covered in blood.
“Isabelle!”
He ran over to her but couldn’t move any closer, could not move past the wall she had put up around her.
“Let me help you!” he screamed, banging on the glass uselessly.
She turned her bloodshot, vacant eyes towards him and whispered.
“Run.”
He woke up when he rolled off the couch and hit the ground, breathing hard.
Holy s**t, what the hell was that? Bad enough he had those messed up dreams about being trapped and powerless in the dark, now he had to include the girl he was interested in? How screwed up did a person have to be?
Getting to his feet slowly, he stretched his aching back and retreated inside to the shower, so he could at least attempt to look put together for the party tonight.
He spent twenty minutes in the shower letting the hot water wash away the remnants of the bad dream, before drying himself off and standing in front of the wardrobe with his towel wrapped around his waist.
“You’re going to pick her up in a towel? Bit presumptuous.”
He spun around to see Matt leaning against the door.
“You’re invading my personal space.”
“Babe, don’t you mean our personal space?” Matt replied, with a smirk.
Jace rolled his eyes, and turned back to his wardrobe, trying to pick which board shorts would look best.
“So, can we talk about this girl, or…?”
“Did Maia send you up here to probe me for information?”
“Shut up! If she hears you even mention the word ‘probe’ to me, I’ll be in for a lifetime of harassment!”
“Well, what’s with the questions?” Jace asked, knowing Matt was never one for idle conversation.
Matt slumped onto the bean bag, making himself comfortable.
“I don’t know, guess I’m just curious. I haven’t seen you like this over a girl ever, and you’re not the type to let yourself get attached. So it’s weird to watch you picking out clothes like a chick getting ready for a date.”
As soon as Jace spun around, anger sparking in his gaze, Matt held his hands up in surrender.
“I’m sorry, that came out wrong!”
Jace rolled his eyes, storming into his closet and yanking on some Calvin Klein’s and his black boardies with a half-naked angel printed on each side.. Seemed appropriate.
“I wish everyone would just drop it. I met a new girl, she’s cool and I want to get to know her. That’s it, end of story, no big deal.”
He finished his outfit with a white muscle tank, and headed out to face Matt who was looking like he’d wished his kept his mouth shut.
“Sorry man, you’ve just been so down and out for so long that we’re all just worried about anything that could possibly make it worse. You know I’ve got your back no matter what. I just want you to be happy.”
“I appreciate the concern. But honestly, it’s my life, and I need to feel like I’m in control.”
Matt stood and offered his hand to Jace. “Understood - won’t bring it up again.”
Jace clasped his best friend’s hand firmly, trying to relay in that simple gesture how much he truly did appreciate that he had some great people to care about him in his life.
With the tension dissipating, Matt plastered a huge grin on his face.
“Well, I just came to tell you, that me and Maia are heading off now and to check if you needed anything for tonight.”
Basically he was asking if Jace needed him to organise some drugs to mellow him out like he did almost every party. Matt hated drugs, and had spent a lot of time trying to cut off any supply that Jace could get his hands on. That was, until last year when Jace had bought some pills from a random dealer the next town over and nearly OD’d. Now Matt made sure he was in charge of getting Jace’s entertainment, so he was in control of how much Jace took, and could babysit him every night they went out.
Thinking it through now, he realised just how messed up that situation really was, and just what a selfish prick he’d been.
Jace clasped a hand on Matt’s shoulder in the affectionate way guys did. “Not tonight.”
Matt eyed him suspiciously. “Seriously?”
“I’m going to drive Isabelle over, so I’m not even really going to drink,” he explained. “So, I’m all good.”
Matt’s mouth dropped comically as he stared at Jace in disbelief, before pulling himself together. “No worries - guess I’ll see you there then.”
Jace nodded in dismissal, and turned back to his mirror.
Fuck, he was checking himself out in the mirror.
It was pretty new to him, this intense attraction he felt towards her. He knew love at first sight was bullshit, but there was definitely something starting between them that had the potential to be something special.
It was another reason he was going to stay sober tonight. He knew exactly what every guy at the party was going to be thinking when Isabelle walked in, and he was going to need all his self-control and faculties to stop him from pulling their arms off if anyone got too close to her.
Just the thought of some of the douchebags at his school tarnishing her with their touch, had him wanting to beat something until he forced the murderous urges away. This was exactly what she didn’t need after what she’d been through.
He turned to the mirror and scowled at himself.
Get your s**t together, and do not screw this one up.