preface
Maybe if she hadn’t been born things would be better for her and them. She have always thought of that, ever since she turned 12, ever since things started to go downhill just like a thrilling roller coaster ride. It was fast to go down but took its sweet time to go up, merrily giving those little jolts of excitement for happiness that would last only for a moment and then it will again go for the down side.
her life is just like that, like a roller coaster ride where she was the sole passenger with no companion to share the ride with, no one to comfort when she felt scared or hear her scream when things go down. she have those people who would not enter the ride with her and experience it but those who would cheer her up from a distance, saying “you can do it !”, “I know you can” and tell her why she should do it…they won’t tell her how.
They taught her how to be brave and strong but forgot to teach her to accept herself. They taught her to have feelings of love but forgot to tell her for whom. They taught her to win what she wanted but forgot to praise her. They taught her how to do everything but forgot to tell her when to give up.
Maybe, those things that they forgot to teach her were to be learnt by her on her own but she…she depended on them to guide through the dark, where they left her stranded, all alone.
There lot of ways, lot of paths in the dark but none led to the light, none got her out. Even though, if not run or walk, she tried to crawl but couldn’t reach because only the hand that first guided her knew the way out…it didn’t tell what was going to happen if it disappeared. It didn’t teach her to walk alone…it just left her, alone. And maybe, that is when she became a please talker. She went along with anyone who would show her a way toward light and when the hand guiding her disappeared. She stood stranded again, on her own with darkness all around. It was slowly Engulfing her.
There was no permanent hand, no one stayed through the journey no one came to support her …it was just her and the never ending dark that stained her in its color slowly, Deepening her scars more and more with each passing day. she knew the day, when she would lose herself was close but she was just trying her best to stop herself, trying to slow the process for this tiny belief that someone would come and be her permanent hand and s/he would walk with be through the dark and take the roller coaster ride with her…s/he would be there for her when she needs him/her to be. Maybe, that’s what people call hope.
she did had this slight tint of hope deep down in her dark heart, that one day things going to change we will all be living the same way as we did when she was younger. One day…she was holding on that one day as her last streak of hope to bring everything back on its place. But bringing back everything again on the right track is not an easy task. It involved lots and lots of failures and failure was never an option, because one failure meant endless of scolding’s and suffering so she gave up. She knows that she gave a bit too early because deep inside her knew that she can’t. She knew that she won’t be able to change anyone so, she must change herself and so she did she changed herself completely. she becomes a new person, a new leaf and left her old identity behind .
now that she think about it , all she did was adapt a defensive measure to protect herself but in this process she lost the sight of who she really was. she forgot who the original her was! I had become just a fake her.
she don’t know anymore…through this eternal dark where she can’t see anything anymore, This place Where she have been blinded by her own selfishness…she forgot who she was.
She is just a fake now.