The billionaire's lost love

Letting my heart break

Carina

I kissed him, I can’t believe I f*****g kissed him, but I wanted it, more than I wanted my next breath. Just one last touch, just one last feel of him. I wipe at my tears, trying to clear my view or the road in front of me. My chest is tight as I let out a broken sob, but I refuse to turn around like my heart is begging me to.

I see a bottle store out of the corner of my eye and I decide, f**k it, if I ma going to suffer through this heartbreak, I am going to do it with style. I stood in front of the store and put on my sunglasses before stepping out into the bright sun. I walk into the store, knowing I look and smell like s**t, but I keep my head held high and pretend like I am not covered in baby s**t, or that my cheeks aren’t blotchy. I pretend my hair is styled and that my clothes are fashionable. Screw anyone that looks at me sideways. I head straight for the hard liquor, grabbing a bottle of tequila gold, a bottle of spice gold and skipping right past the coke. I head for the snacks next, grabbing some chips and jelly sweets and then I head to the counter. The cashier gives me a sad look, but she doesn’t say anything, and I am grateful for it. A minute later I am thanking her as I pay my due and then walk out the store.

I hold my tears in as I head home, refusing to let another one fall until I am safely in my house where I can have a complete mental breakdown. My brand-new phone rings, but I ignore it, knowing that it is probably Gwen, wanting to check up on me, but I know if I talk to her now, I am going to end up pulling up my big girl panties and try to force my emotions down and right now, I need to get those emotions out.

By the time I walk into my apartment, emotions are all over the place, going from anger to pain to feeling hollow and then overflowing. I take out the alcohol and then a shooter glass, starting off with the tequila, pouring two shots and then drinking them one after the other, loving the burn but hating the taste. I open the packet of jellies and pop one in my mouth to rid my mouth of the taste. I pour another two and drink those as well. Damn, I will be having a hangover from hell tomorrow, but that will be tomorrow’s problem.

I head over to my sound system and then put on the song that I never truly understood the words of until now. Half a heart by We Three starts playing and I turn up the volume. I grab the bottle of rum and open it, taking a sip right out of the bottle. When the lead singer starts singing, my tears start spilling over and I bellow out the words right along with him, feeling every word in my heart.

“I haven't said a word, but you know what I'm thinking, like I know what you're thinking. That's why both of us are drinking. Can you feel it in the air? Couldn't cut it with a bread knife. I'm to blame for both your wet eyes. I'm aware, but I'm too scared to fight. The fighting is done and nobody's won, so now we're just laying here with steaming empty guns. And half of my heart has always been yours, so now I'm just laying here in pieces on the floor” Tears stream down my face as the words fall from my lips and I allow myself to remember all the good times, every touch and sweet word as the song keeps playing.

“Would you like to dance?” A male voice says from behind me, and I turn around, my breath catching as I look into the most beautiful soft green eyes surrounded by dark lashes. My first thought is that this man can’t be real, and I must be f*****g dreaming, so I like an i***t, I pinch myself. “What are you doing?” He says and god, even his voice makes my knees weak.

“Nothing, lead the way handsome.” He smiles at me, and I swear my heart skips a beat in my chest. This man is sin on legs, and I want to dive right in, not even caring that I met him just a second ago and don’t even know his name. He places his hand on my open back and a shiver runs through me. Heat blooms at the simple touch and it takes everything in me to not trip over my own feet with six-inch heels.

“What is your name?” I ask him as we step onto the dance floor. His arm wraps around me and he takes my hand in his other and then starts moving us across the dancefloor. The scent of his spicy cologne makes my mouth water and I have to remind myself that it is rude to smell someone.

“Jaxon.” He says and I roll my eyes. “What was that for?” He asks with a chuckle and my knees buckle, he presses me closer to his body, keeping my up and I f*****g moan like a damn virgin. What the hell is wrong with me?

“it’s unfair.” I say.

“What exactly is unfair, sweetheart?” He asks, his voice husky and my panties soaked, well that is if I had any on, but with this dress it is impossible.

“That you are drop dead gorgeous, has a voice that drips with s*x and then you have to have a name that fits perfectly with a bad boy. You’re every girl’s wet dream come true.” The words spill from my mouth before I can stop them, and I beg the earth to open up beneath my feet and swallow me whole. He chuckles again and I have to consciously focus on keeping my knees locked.

“I will take that as a compliment.” He says, his mouth so close to my ear I can feel his breath tickle it, sending goosebumps over my skin. “May I know your name now?” He asks softly and I can just imagine him saying my name while we are in bed.

“Carina.” I choke out, struggling to talk past the lust clouding my mind. What the hell. I have never been this affected by a man, certainly not after meeting him just minutes before.

“Mmmm, Carina.” He repeats my name, and I can’t even stop the moan that slips past my lips if they were stuck together with super glue. “The name suits you.” He says and then he goes and presses his leg between mine, placing it right against the spot I need him the most. I blame my hormones on the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in over a year.

My heart constricts at the memory of the night we met at the fundraiser for Gwen’s clinic. I took him home that night, and it turned into the best f*****g night of my life. The next morning, I expected him to be gone, I thought I would never see him again, but I found him laying next to me, his arms wrapped around me so tight that I couldn’t move an inch without waking him.

I was on cloud nine, my body satisfied and my heart alive in my chest. Jaxon texted me half an hour ago, asking me to go out for drinks. Excitement flooded me and it took a whole lot of acting to pretend that I didn’t want to jump up and down like a teenager, excited for her very first date with the school’s best football player. 

After work, I quickly jump in a shower and then go through the effort of shaving every bit of hair that was out of place. I dressed in black skinnies and a red crop top that showed off my toned stomach. I wanted to make his mouth water when he saw me and that is the reaction I got when he picked me up. He was dressed in black jeans that hung low on his hips with a black V-neck shirt that showed a hit of his hard chest. His leather jacket hung over his shoulder and his leather boots just completed the package. Damn this man could bring me to my knees and I wouldn’t even complain.

Jaxon ended up taking me to a festival. We played games, ate junk food and laughed most of the night. He touched me in any way he could, his shoulder next to mine, his leg rubbing against me, his arms wrapped around me or his hand in mine. I was hyper aware of every touch and by the time we made it back to my apartment, I wanted to beg him to come in, but he left me with a hungry kiss and a promise that he would see me the next day.

That night, I knew I was in trouble. I knew there was no way to guard my heart against him. Memory after memory floods through my mind and the lead singer screams and I scream right along with him as every memory shatters my heart. I fall to my knees on the floor as more and more tears spill from my eyes and I lie there screaming on the floor as the pain consumes me. I clutch the half empty bottle to my chest as I let it all out.

When the song is done, I feel empty and broken, but there are no more tears to cry, nothing left of my heart to break. I press the bottle to my lips, and I drink, not stopping until I need to breathe. I can feel the alcohol burning my stomach and I can feel my head spinning, so I lie my head down on the cold floor and just close my eyes. My head spins, but I just stay there, listening to song after song as I finish the rest of the bottle.  I don’t know how long I stay there, but at some point the sun goes down and I turn my head, opening my eyes slowly, but they feel swollen and dry. I reach for the remote and turn the volume down, surprised no one has called in a complaint yet, or I just didn’t hear the doorbell ringing.

My head turns and I know I am going to be sick, but I can’t get my legs to work, my body numb from all the alcohol and crying. I hear a knock on my door but all I do is groan. I hear the knob turn, but even lifting my head takes too much effort, so I just stay where I am.

“What the f**k? s**t, Carina, what have you done?” That voice sounds familiar, but my brain is too foggy to make out who it is. “Can you get up?” He asks, but I can’t even get my head to move to shake it and tell him no. “Shit.” He says and then I hear him pacing. I wish whoever it is would just leave me alone. I don’t need anyone here to see me fall apart. “Babe, this is not good.” He says to whoever he must have called. “I am going to take her to the hospital.” He says and I groan in protest. “Thank f**k she is alive.” He says and then he is moving my face to look at him and slowly Archer’s face comes into view. “Can you hear me Carina?” I groan again in reply, and he sighs. “Come on, I need to get you to a hospital. You and Gwen really need to stay away from the damn alcohol when you get hurt.” He grumbles. The second he picks me up, I vomit, all over his suit. “That’s real nice of you, Carina.” He says, but he doesn’t sound upset.

“Don’t.” I try to speak, but only more vomit comes up.

“How much did you f*****g drink?” He asks, running with me into the bathroom. He quickly places me on my knees, my head hanging over the bath as my stomach revolts against the amount of alcohol I consumed.

“Don’t. Tell. Jaxon.” I try again.

“Tell him what?” Archer asks as he tries to hold my hair back.

“About my broken heart.” I say and suddenly I want to cry all over again.

“Hey, I won’t tell him anything.” He says but that isn’t enough for me.

“Promise.” I tell him and he sighs.

“I promise I won’t tell him, Carina. He doesn’t deserve to know and besides, he is on a plane halfway across the world by now.” That reminder makes the tears spill again and my heart constricts as the same time my stomach does. “I am so sorry, Carina. I wish I could hit him against the head and open his eyes, but he was stupid for walking away and soon enough he will realize it. I hope for his sake it isn’t too late.” He says as he rubs circles on my back.

“He already is.” I say and then everything goes black as I am sucked into sweet oblivion.