half/closer

half / 12 [1/2]

.......

"So what are you gonna be in the future?"

I giggled, caressing the sunflower in the vase which was about to wither in due time. I gazed back at my sister with a small smile on my lips. She just finished her chemotherapy an hour ago and our parents were out to get some food for us.

Unlike the sunflower, her blonde hair had completely withered to nothing due to numerous treatments. Her head was covered with the scarf I'd given her as a Christmas present. Her icy eyes were already mild of colors and I hated seeing her in this state. However, I had to be with her just like she'd done for me throughout the years.

"I don't know," I answered, leaning my forearms on the hospital bed. "How about you?"

She quirked her eyebrow. "Seriously? You're asking that question to a leukemia patient who's eventually going to die."

"You're not going to die!" I said, almost yelling. Congratulations! She stooped my mood again for being insensitive.

Cassie, my sister, laughed at my outburst. "Easy, my crybaby."

I shook my head at her. Sometimes, it astounded me how could she treat this as all jokes. She was deteriorating with each passing day and I never saw her cry about this. She was all smile and groovy, teasing me every time I would weep for her deadly hardship.

"Why are you asking anyway? I just started high school last week," I complained, causing a pale smile to break out on her lips.

"Exactly," she deadpanned. "In all honesty, I envy you. You get to experience being a high school student while I'm here in the hospital bounded by tubes and machines. I'm supposed to be in my second year right now."

"S-Sorry," I dropped my head low but Cassie reached out to lift me by my chin.

"Don't apologize," she said with a heartfelt smile. "I'm happy for you."

I closed my eyes when she kissed me on my forehead.

"So make me proud, HD!" she hollered, calling me in my code name. She first used that abbreviation of my name when we were in a military boot camp for kids. Our Dad made us attend that intense and horrifying activity because we got into serious trouble.

"I dragged you out of the orphanage because the moment I laid my eyes on you, I know I'm going to love you forever as my sister," Cassie pointed out for the nth time.

"I love you more," I said back, recalling the time she had taken my painted wrist and demanded our parents to adopt me. I was only nine back then and it was summertime. I was aware that a family was visiting the orphanage to find a child. Although I kept myself in a room, playing with paints and brushes, Cassie found me and the rest is history.

"So how's school?" she asked eagerly, holding my hand on her lap.

I rolled my eyes at her enthusiasm. "It's different."

"Oh, C'mon! You have to at least be specific. Did you make any friends?"

I remembered a girl, causing me to smile timidly. "There was this girl named Arisa. I noticed that she's always alone. She seems sad for some reason so I took the courage to walk over to her and ask if we can be friends and she said yes."

"That's my sis! Friendly and saving the day," Cassie beamed before she eyed me suspiciously. "How about the boys?"

"They're fine, I guess?" I said, unsure.

"I have no doubt you're going to be popular," she exclaimed, earning a snicker from me. "Just remember, give your first kiss to the right one so that you will remember it for the rest of your life."

I chuckled at her craziness. "Oh yeah, who's the right one?"

"The one who loves you, of course," she responded with her sparkling eyes. "I wish I get to experience my first kiss but who will love me in this state?"

"Of course, there is. You're so beautiful," I rejected her idea and it was true. Cassie was very beautiful. With her pretty defined face, mysterious set of eyes, and rebellious aura, boys would kneel at her feet. She would drive them crazy. Moreover, her playful and perky personality could lure anyone into her.

"Humor me, crybaby. Boys won't have the courage to kiss someone like me. They like long flipping hair, out-of-the-world ass, fuckable lips, and action starlet in bed. I'm not that kind of girl."

"You're more than that," I tried to argue against her stupidity, not to mention her exaggerated descriptions. "It's just you're sick. Once all of this is over, you'll find the person who will give you your unforgettable first kiss."

Cassie fell into silence and she squeezed my hand tightly. I looked at her with concern, contemplating if I'd said something wrong. However, her next words surprised me.

"Will you do the honor to be my first kiss?"

My eyes widened at her spontaneous suggestion. "Wh-What?!"

"Why not?" she questioned like it was totally normal to have this conversation. "You know that I'm not going to make it and I won't get to experience the life ahead of me anymore. So at least give me one thing that I will remember until the day I die."

"That's not true!" I yelled out loud, infuriated that she'd already accepted her fate. "You're going to get well in no time. You'll see!"

"But what if I really die," she said like it was just a common phrase she would use in everyday life. "We don't have control in any of these. Give me a chance to experience something special. I know you love me and I love you to the moon and back, HD! so if you kiss me, it's going to be the same. No regret, I promise."

I frowned, completely against the idea and she noticed my relentless opposition.

Cassie laughed lightly, lifting our intertwined hands on her chest. "Don't worry, no string attach. No locking tongues or some bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, just lips on lips action."

"But it's going to be weird. We're sisters!" I grumbled, taking my hand from her.

This time, she rolled her eyes, resting her back on the bed in exhaustion. "So what? I've seen female friends kiss each other. Especially, sisters. Although it's just a peck, we kiss like every day. Look, it's just going to be an innocent kiss, alright?"

"But still—"

"But what?" Cassie looked like she was getting out of patience already which I think was just an act. "Are you afraid that you'll get mumbo-jumbo feelings?"

"No!!!" I cried in disbelief, gaping my mouth when she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. "Is this all a joke to you? You're making me crazy!"

"No, I'm crystal clear serious here, Miss Bummer," she tried to convince me with a serious face but she couldn't help but laugh anyway.

"No matter what you say, I won't do it," I said with finality.

Cassie pouted at me before she sighed, rolling on her bed to turn her back on me. I tried to ignore the guilt pricking at my heart for denying her wishes. But Cassie was stubborn as she spoke again.

"What am I going to do?!" she faked sob, shaking her shoulder for more effect. "I'm going to die a virgin. I'm not going to experience dating a guy, dancing in the rain, and love-making. I can't even get my first kiss."

"You're such a child," I grumbled.

But she disregarded me as she went on, "There are so many things I will regret."

Leaning my head back, I looked up to the ceiling and shut my eyes off in defeat. "Okay, okay! You win!"

With that, Cassie rose up and held her hands together. "Alright!!"

"So?"

"So?" she repeated and then leaned forward to get closer. "Close your eyes."

I looked at her in uncertainty. This was going to be my first kiss. It bothered me that I would get this special moment from my sister but I had to do this for her own happiness. In this situation, I would do anything for her. Well, it was just a kiss, no big deal!

Closing my eyes, I waited for her touch on mine. I could sense her presence getting closer and closer to me. My lips were ready but I tried to shut down the thoughts in my head. They were screaming about what would be the outcome of this moment.

After a second, I felt her lips gently pressing on mine. My bottom lip was clamped between her lips while her both hands cupped my jaw. It was really an innocent kiss because I could feel that she had no plan on moving and taking it further. However, the fact that she was my sister and I only needed her happiness made it remarkable.

Nearly five seconds down, she released me and I slowly opened my eyes. We stared at each other for a brief time and it was starting to get awkward.

So I took the initiative to speak. "Ummm, how was it?"

Cassie grimaced, pinching her chin in thoughts. "It feels...wet? Sloppy? Like kissing a fish."

I was clearly offended. "Are you saying I'm a bad kisser?! It's just a simple kiss! What did you expect?"

My sister was surprised at my piercing tone. "Relax, I'm just kidding. It was fine, I guess."

I groaned out loud. "I told you, you'll regret it."

"I don't regret it," she opposed me, with a stern expression on her face. "I will remember it even after death."

"Can you please stop it?"

She brushed off my plea. "How about you? Are you going to forget your first kiss? Does it count?"

I shook my head in disbelief. "Only if you promise to do your best in surviving your battle."

Cassie smiled so beautifully and then nodded. "Fair enough."

And I still couldn't believe my sister and I kissed. "You're crazy."

She laughed her contagious laugh. "We're crazy."

I, too, laughed along with her. It was the truth. When we were together, we always do crazy things. She was my partner in crime in everything. My sister was a very mischievous person and when she was still healthy, she would always pull pranks to her friends. And I was her support and assistant in achieving her notorious plans. We always had fun after tricking someone.

"By the way, I want to be a doctor," Cassie suddenly revealed.

"A doctor?" I questioned, prompting her to give details.

"Yeah, a doctor. If I survived, I will do everything to be the best one. I want to cure all the people who are suffering from this disease. It will be my future advocacy."

I took her hand and squeezed it. "You'll do great."

"I will," she said, pressing my hand back. "How about you?"

I chuckled. "I want to be a painter. A famous painter."

Cassie grinned at my answer. "I know, HD... And you will."

•••••

I'd been staring at my laptop screen for a couple of minutes already. The cursor was on the 'Submit' button while I was thinking if I should do this or not. I was convincing myself all the time that it had to be done for my late sister. Particularly, for my parents because they wanted me to fulfill their daughter's ambition.

But it was hard to press the button. As much as I wanted to bring joy and pride to my parents and for the memories of my sister, I truly wanted to achieve my dreams. And that was to become a painter.

Confucius said that we have to 'choose a job we love.' However, being in the art industry, you must have real talent and endless perseverance to get to the top, or else, you'll be a failure. It's the harsh reality. So there were a lot of excuses and reasons on why I should apply for medical school instead.

A knock on the door dragged me out of my turmoil. Shifting my head, Mom entered the room with a warm smile.

"Filling up your university application?" my Mom asked as she stared at my screen, hoping I would click the button already.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, it's done," I answered, hitting the 'Submit' button, sending me to the completion webpage.

"We're going to support you on this, honey," my blondie Mom approached me and caressed my hair soothingly. Cassie had her looks but she got her icy blue eyes from Dad. "And we're going to be proud of you. Wherever your sister is right now, she'll be happy that her dream will come to reality through you."

A weak smile plastered on my face. "I wish."

My Mom placed a kiss on the crown of my head. "I'm glad she found you, Hilary. I don't know if I could live without your sister. Your Dad and I are happy that you came to save our lives without her. Even though you didn't come from both of us. We love you like our own."

My heart fluttered at her declaration. "I love you more, Mom."

"That's enough," Mom giggled at our sappiness. "Dinner's ready. Come down, alright?"

I nodded and I watched her leave my room, marking a feeling of guilt in my heart. How could I hesitate? They were being supportive of me all the time and they literally gave me a life I didn't wish for. I was very fortunate to have them but I was being ungrateful for wavering about doing what they wanted for me.

Releasing a deep breath, I organized my stuff on the desk and headed downstairs. Dad half-grinned at me once he saw me. I sat beside him while Mom settled across from me. She gave me a plate of beef sirloin with quinoa salad on the side. It was one of my favorite homemade dinners. There must be something up.

"How's school, star-bright?" my Dad suddenly asked. I couldn't help but feel strange. He used to call my sister like that but when she died, he started to call me that way. I've never got used to it until now.

"Everything's okay, I guess," I answered as I sliced the meat with my fork and knife.

"Okay is not enough, Hilary," he responded and there was a firmness in his voice as he spoke. "I noticed that you've been denying your studies than usual since your friend's accident. It must be hard for you but we can't afford for you to be in this bad shape. I received a report from the school that you've been getting detentions lately. And may I know why you involved yourself in a fight that wasn't yours at all? And why did you leave suddenly in the middle of the class?"

I deeply frowned. Yeah, my typical Dad always gets reports from the school. "I'm just protecting Arisa from goons and Tiana was leaving out of the country. What am I supposed to do?"

Dad released a problematic sigh. "If you continue this behavior, I will start to think that your friends are not good for you."

"Gordon," Mom tried to stop his assumption. "They are high school students. Give her some slack."

Dad eyed her for a moment before he leaned forward and took his own utensils. "I get it, you're sad for what happened to your friend."

"Depressed," I corrected him, my eyes fell on my own plate when they looked at me at the same time. "Tiana is like a sister to me." With courage, I looked at both of them so that they could tell that I was truly sincere. "But I will do my best for both of you. For Cassie..."

Dad nodded in satisfaction and we resumed eating our dinner with a painful knife piercing in my heart.

........