I'll Come out Fighting

Jayne Have you ever wondered why we are here on this planet? Why do people do the things they do? Are we supposed to just accept it and move on?  I know this is a bit deep, but these questions have been going through my mind for the last few days. Nothing else for it when you are in a hospital ward, being prodded and asked even more stupid questions all day long. My brothers have been visiting me every day trying to get me to talk to them. I understand their worry for me, they have always been like that even before our parents died. They were able to get on with their lives. So was I until last week. Everything changed for me and not in a good way. Last week was the two year anniversary of my parents death. It is never easy to get over the loss of someone so important. My brothers are the strong ones, I thought I was too. We support each other with every aspect of our lives. We always have as a family. I know that is what they are trying to do alright now. Help me get over what has happened. I don’t know if I will be able to get over what has happened. I’m not a great talker at the moment, which my doctor says is understandable after the trauma I’ve been through. So, let me give you a little bit of the details. As I said earlier I’m currently in hospital recovering from an operation, which at the age of 22, I never thought I would have to go through. You see, my boyfriend, sorry ex boyfriend, Max and I had a disagreement last week. I had just returned from my brothers after a family dinner and was feeling emotional as we had been to visit our parents grave. Max had been out with his friends that night and was under the influence of alcohol and I’m pretty sure he was high on something else. Now, I’m not making excuses for him at all. What he has done to me is unforgivable. When he got home I was curled up on the sofa, feeling a bit down and missing my parents. At first he was being sweet, cuddling me and saying nice things to me and kissing my neck. Normally, him kissing my neck would put me in the mood but tonight I was just not feeling it. I just wanted to cuddle and be comforted by him. Max had other ideas, he forced himself on me. I struggled and pushed him of, but I was no match to his strength. I’m not sure exactly what happened but I know that I passed out with the pain, I woke a few times in a pool of blood but I couldn’t move to get my phone. I could see Max lying on the sofa, not sure if he was sleeping but he wasn’t moving and the grunts and groans I was making didn’t rouse him at all. I could hear my phone ringing from the table in front of me, but I couldn’t reach it. The pain was too much, every time I moved it was unbearable. I had no clue how long I had been lying there until I heard my brother Jay banging on my apartment door. I groaned loudly hoping he would hear me and break the door down. Knowing my brothers they would have been calling me every morning to check in on me, and if I didn’t answer one of them would visit me. “s**t, Jayne. Jamie call an ambulance” Jay screamed as he reached me. I can feel Jay beside me, trying to talk to me. I can hardly keep my eyes open. “Jayne, sweetie. Stay with us. The ambulance will be here any minute. Jamie check on Max" Jay says as he holds my hand, not moving me as the pain shots through my body. “Leave him. He did this" I whisper out, my throat killing me with his dry it is. Jay looks from me to Max and back again. “What? Jayne. Shit.” Jamie cries out, just as I hear the ambulance. That is the last thing I remember. Darkness and noises in the background was all I could see and hear. The voices I did not recognise one bit. I just wanted to die in that moment. I know I will not come back from this. The amount of blood I know I lost, I’ll never be the same again.   “Jayne sweetie, you need to eat something" Jamie, my brother tells me. I woke from whatever slumber I was in yesterday. My brothers have not left my side the whole time I was out. “Not hungry" I tell him as I try to turn over in the bed but wince with the pain. “You need to. You need to get better. Jayne please" he begs, I can hear the sadness in his voice. “Why? There isn’t anything to live for now. He took it all away.” I sob as Jamie holds me close to his chest. “Don’t say those things. We are here. You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you.” Jamie tries to make me feel better, it doesn’t work. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be better. The police arrived to get a statement after the doctors had managed to put them off for the last two days. I knew I would have to talk about it, but I didn’t want my brothers to hear what happened.  All three of them refused to leave the room whilst I gave my statement, I just put them to the back of my mind and focused on telling the police what happened. This was the first time I had actually spoken about it. They all assumed what had happened and due to my injuries it really was not rocket science to see what happened. I felt like my mind and body were not connected somehow. My body was trembling while I told them what happened, but my brain was so focused on telling the story, I felt nothing, not sure if that makes sense to you, it is hard to explain how I felt. “Max has already been discharged, claiming that he does not remember what happened that night. There was high traces of two class A drugs in his system. With the evidence that was collected by the doctors, we will be charging him with rape and attempted murder.” The female officer went on to explain.  After they left, my brothers sat in silence. They clearly had to process what I had told them. I’m not quite sure they could understand what had happened or why it happened.  Jamie was the first to break the silence “Jayne, had he ever done anything like this before?”  I shake my head as a no. He had never hurt me before. He was always so sweet and considerate. “He did start hanging about with a different group of people from the gym, his moods changed but he was never violent, well until the other night. In the year we have been together this was the first time.” I go on to say, but then they heard me tell the police this.   After I recovered from my hysterectomy, yeah Max beat me that bad it was the only option to save me, I was losing too much blood in that area. I was moved to a psychiatric hospital to get treatment for my trauma. I was a shell of the person I was. I still was not eating right, and I could hardly sleep, I was wakening up every hour from a nightmare. Max was the only thing I could see when I closed my eyes. After a few days I did eventually start to eat, but I lost a lot of weight in such a short time, I was put on a special diet to gain it back. My doctor, Izzy, put together a plan to help me. Make me feel better. I was determined to not go on medication for my trauma. I didn’t want to feel like a zombie through the process. I didn’t want to have to rely on drugs to save me. After what the police said about Max, I wanted to avoid any type of drug. My brothers, all three of them, came to visit everyday. A different one each day. It is Jay’s turn today to visit me and I was hoping he would be taking me home with him. Izzy thinks I’m ready to go home, not that I have a home. I told my brothers to sell my apartment and move my stuff out. There was no way I was going back there. “Jay" I nearly screamed as I saw him walking into the communal lounge. “Hey baby sis" he wraps his arms, around me lifting me off my feet a little, they very rarely call me by my name.  We sit and chat in the corner for a little while. He’s telling me what his kids have been up to and how they miss me.  How busy he is at work. He also told me that the sale from the apartment has went through and the money is in my account. Just as Jay is getting ready to leave, he needs to get back to his work. Dr Izzy calls us through to her room. “I’m very happy with Jaynes progress in the last few weeks. You are ready to be discharged. Jay have you sorted out somewhere for her to stay" Izzy tells us with a smile on her face. “She will stay with Jamie when she’s ready to leave here" He tells us as he grips my hand a big smile on his face. “Tomorrow?” I ask both of them and the nod their heads at the same time.  I do a happy dance in my head, trying to hide my happiness but it doesn’t work.  They both chuckle at the grin on my face. “I’ll miss you Jayne, but in all seriousness you have done amazing. You are ready for this. At any time you know where to find us.” Izzy tells me as she leads us out of her room. After seeing Jay out I head to my room to start packing, I’ve been here nearly three months and I’m more than ready to get on with my life now. It does feel weird knowing I’ll be leaving tomorrow but I’m looking forward to starting my new journey. My last night here and I’m to excited to sleep. I feel like a child on Christmas Eve waiting for Santa to come. I must have fallen asleep at some point as I’m shook awake by one if the nurses. I’m up showered changed and out of my room within thirty minutes. I grab a quick breakfast as I wait for Jamie to come collect me. I wonder around the hospital saying bye to the few people I became friends with and the staff as well.  “Baby Sis" I hear Jamie shout from the reception area.  I head over grabbing my bag from the waiting area and leave. I don’t look back. This is a fresh start. On the way to Jamie’s apartment, he tells me that he has a few days off from work, his boss Harry, knows what had happened and is more than happy for Jay and Jamie to take the time needed to get me settled. Jay and Jamie both work for Jacobson Construction, I’m not entirely sure what they do, but I know Jamie is an architect and Jay is a site manager. My dad used to work for the company before he died. Harry Jacobson has always been helpful with our family in times of crisis. I suppose he is just an all-round good boss. I get settled into Jamie’s place pretty quick, they had got all my stuff from the storage unit and had left it in his spare room.  We sat and chilled out in front of the TV for the rest of the day waiting for Jackson and Jay to join us for dinner. If you had not already guessed by now, my parents had a thing for calling us all names that start with the letter J. When we were younger people used to make fun of it but over the years we just had to get used to it.  Jayne Johnson is my name, most of my friends called me JJ. Jay is the oldest brother he’s 15 years older than me, hitting the big forty soon, he is married and has two kids and has worked for Jacobson Construction since he left University. Jackson is the second oldest, he is 35 and a single dad. His wife left him and their son a few years back and he hasn’t seen or heard from her since, even when they divorced they didn’t see each other. He is an amazing father and is a teacher at the primary school his son, Jonah attends. Then we have Jamie. He is 32 years old and still living the single life. He split from his long term girlfriend, a few months back after nearly 6 years together. She got a promotion with her job and moved away. Jamie didn’t want to move away. I kind of blame myself for it, he doesn’t want to leave me on my own. Jamie and I are really close, like two pees in a pod, as my dad used to always say. He was sort of friends with Max, and I know he feels guilty for introducing me to him. No matter how often I tell him it isn’t his fault, he will never listen.  They were never really close, but they used to go to the same gym together and had the same network of friends. Every time he looks at me, I know he blames himself. We have spoken about so many times. “Jamie, will you stop. I’m good. I’m better and we will get past this” I say hugging him. That’s the thing about Jamie, he comes across as the big guy, no emotions, but when its just him and me sitting together he will break down. He did when our parents died. We are just so alike, we should have been twins. “I know. I can never forgive myself for letting him into your life” he hugs me back. “Jamie, you were not to know he would do something like this. Please get past it. I have. We will not be seeing him anytime soon. OK”   He nods his head as the door goes.  Jay and Jackson bring in burgers and chips from the local restaurant, amazing junk food is what I am needing right now.  As we sit and chat about what has been going on at their jobs and the kids. Jay brings up the conversation that I have been dreading to hear. “Max was in court today. He got 15 years with no parole.”  I gasp in shock. “Wow. That’s good right?” I ask not sure how the whole system works. “Yeah, I hoped he would have got life, but 15 years is still good. He will be over forty before he is released.”  Jackson goes on to say.  They both went to court to hear the sentencing. Jamie wanted to go but they agreed between themselves that I needed to be looked after with my first day out of the hospital. After Jay and Jackson left, I went for a nice hot bath to relax before heading to bed. Jamie knows that I get nightmares and is going to sleep in the same bed as me tonight. Not sure how that is going to work out because he snores something terrible.