Blue Plaid

Calm

In which Stella is at peace.

I still wasn’t entirely sure what was happening. My mixed emotions were more than likely a result of the fact that for two mornings in a row, I had woken up in Tyson’s arms. The mixed part came into play because it was Tyson and we weren’t supposed to have the kind of relationship where we were comfortable cuddling while we slept, but on the other hand…I didn’t hate it.

In fact, it was actually kind of nice, a thought I vowed never to voice to Tyson, or really anyone for that matter. At least not now. We hadn’t even been on a date. We really weren’t ready to be sharing a bed.

I woke up first the morning after Thanksgiving, my cheek pressed to Tyson’s bare chest, my fingers splayed across those ridiculous abdominal muscles, wondering why I felt so warm and safe. Despite the fact that we’d been living together for a few months, Tyson and I really hadn’t shared such a confined space for such an extended amount of time. Hugging him was one thing, but being held by him while I slept was much too intimate and much too confusing for our present circumstances, so I removed myself from his arms slowly and turned my back to him, pretending I was still asleep as I heard him begin to stir.

That day, we took Cooper out for his first experience with Black Friday shopping, which really just meant that we looked in the windows of a whole bunch overly crowded stores at the outlet mall until it was time for Cooper’s afternoon nap, at which point we returned home and Tyson and my mother engaged in some quality bonding time as they made dinner for that night.

I sat with my legs tucked beneath me on the couch, my gaze shifting between the soccer game Reese was watching and my mother and Tyson laughing as they chopped vegetables and stirred sauces and smiled to myself. I had meant what I had said to Tyson the night before about being grateful that he’d come home with me. It had been much too long since I’d seen my parents and the brother I loved more than anyone despite the fact that he annoyed the crap out of me ninety-nine percent of the time.

That night, I made sure Tyson was already drifting off before I crawled beneath the covers, careful to leave an ample amount of space between our bodies. My efforts were in vain, however, because the next morning, I woke to find his arm wrapped around me, pulling my back against his chest and his lips unconsciously pressed to my t-shirt covered shoulder.

For a split second, the thought ‘I could get used to this’ crossed my mind before my eyes widened in horror. Tyson was well aware that I thought he was s*x on a stick, but my being physically attracted to him didn’t mean that the two of us could in any way make a romantic relationship work. And we both knew better than to engage in any sort of friends with benefits situation because it would be much too confusing for Cooper, who needed a healthy, stable set of parents raising him.

So once again, I removed myself from Tyson’s presence before he could awake and comprehend what was going on and neither of us brought up the fact that we were apparently drawn to each other as we slept and it wasn’t until we were sitting at the gate, waiting to board our flight back to New York that the topic was brought up.

It was Tyson who spoke first, keeping his eyes glued to fuzzy picture book with which Cooper was fascinated as he sat back against the uncomfortable plastic gate seat.

“Are we ever gonna talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” I replied innocently, looking up from where I’d been scrolling through my Twitter mentions on my phone. My publicist thought it would a good idea for me to be more active on social media. The trouble was that I had no idea what to say, a recurring problem in my life.

He raised his gaze slowly, his eyebrows lifted in surprise before he realized I was purposely avoiding the subject, at which point he sighed and lifted a hand to tug his long fingers through his thick curls. “Come on, Stel. We can’t keep doing this.”

I knew he was right, of course. We had been tiptoeing around our feelings for a few weeks now. It all started with those damn friend dates. At the time, they seemed like a good idea because it wouldn’t really be healthy for Cooper to grow up around two people who hated each other, so me and Tyson becoming friends was a much better option. But as it turned out, I ended up developing much more than purely friendly feelings for him.

I was about ninety-six percent sure he felt it too and under normal circumstances, I would have no problem seeing where things went, but my situation with Tyson had never been normal.

“I know,” I sighed, tapping my nail against my phone case. “But now’s not the time.”

Chances were that any conversation we had about our feelings would turn into an argument because we were both too stubborn for our own good, so if we were going to do this right, we needed to do it in private.

“Ok,” he nodded, turning his attention back to Cooper, probably relieved that I had acknowledged the fact that there was a conversation to be had at all.

I probably could have continued avoiding the subject until Tyson got fed up enough to let it go, but the truth was that I was curious. Tyson was difficult to read on a regular basis, but seeing as he had been a willing participant in the leaning forward which had led to almost kissing two nights ago, there was a good possibility that the sense of complete calmness, like everything was just right that I felt in his presence was not one sided.

We didn’t talk on the plane, really. We were both tired from the trip because although I absolutely adored my family, the level of festivity and the amount of food we’d eaten the past two days had left us exhausted. Plus, someone needed to keep Cooper distracted.

We’d learned on the flight to Dallas that he absolutely hated flying and wouldn’t stop crying unless he was being held by one of us. Seeing as I had been in a particularly good mood on the way there, I hadn’t minded holding him in my lap and playing with him for the entirety of the four-hour flight. Tyson, always one to insist on fairness, insisted that keeping Cooper calm for the return flight would be solely his responsibility.

I conceded because I was currently too tired to argue, settling back into the uncomfortable plane seats and watching out of the corner of my eye as Tyson kept Cooper from recognizing his surroundings by showing him the pictures of all of the items on sale in the Sky Mall catalog.

I closed my eyes and drifted off with a slightly smile on my face, knowing my baby boy was in good hands. Still, I ended up waking up a few times over the course of the flight, and each time, I’d turn my head to see Tyson in the midst of some activity to keep Cooper occupied. The first time, it was reading, the second, acting out scenes from Stars Wars with Cooper’s stuffed animals, and when I finally woke completely as the plane began its descent into New York, Tyson was holding Cooper against his chest, the toddler’s plump, flushed cheeks pressed into the soft material of his father’s blue plaid shirt as Tyson sang him to sleep.

The first time I had heard Tyson sing Cooper to sleep, two months ago, I had been pleasantly surprised because it wasn’t something I thought he would be good at, but his voice was sweet and soothing and had an instant calming effect on Cooper. As always, Tyson remained a man full of surprises.

Cooper stayed asleep the entire taxi ride back to our apartment and after I dropped my and Tyson’s bags off in our respective rooms, knowing it would be a few days before either of us worked up the motivation to unpack, I walked across to watch as Tyson lay Cooper down in the center of the big boy bed he was still getting used to, buffered by an obscene number of pillows, of course. Crossing my arms over my chest, I leaned against the door frame and smiled to myself at the sight of Tyson leaning over to press a kiss to Cooper’s forehead before whispering ‘love you’ as he stood up straight.

I truly didn’t give him enough credit for being an amazing father.

He lifted his eyebrows at me as he exited the room and I pushed myself off the doorframe and took two steps backwards, wondering if it was finally time for that conversation he had been wanting to have.

“So,” he said quietly as he shut the door and stepped into the living room, shoving the receiving end of the baby monitor into the back pocket of his black skinny jeans.

“So,” I repeated, uncrossing my arms and sticking my fingers into the pockets of my favorite oversized sweater, which was my favorite precisely because it had pockets. “We should talk.”

He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded, sticking his hands into his front pockets and rocking back and forth in his dusty black desert boots. “You know, I thought about it a lot on the plane and made this whole list of exactly what I wanted to say to you, but now I can’t remember any of it.”

“Do you want me to go first?” I offered, not entirely sure where my boldness was coming from because it wasn’t as though I had any idea what to say either.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise to indicate I should continue, staying silent as I formulated my thoughts.

“Don’t take this the wrong way,” I began slowly, “But when I first suggested we go on friend dates, I honestly didn’t think we were actually going to end up being friends. I thought we might end up going from hating each other to tolerating each other, but the more time I spent with you, the more I started liking you.”

I paused, wondering if he was going to comment, but he stayed quiet, his face completely expressionless, so I continued. “And I don’t mean, like you in the ‘hey, we’re friends now, let’s hang out when we can’ sort of way, I mean, I like you in the ‘I find myself daydreaming about you when you’re not around’ sort of way.”

“Are you saying you have a little crush on me, Stella?” he asked, his expression lighting with glee and his lips kinking into a small smirk.

“Really?” I glared at him, pulling my hands from my pockets to cross my arms over my chest in irritation. “You’re gonna choose now to be an ass?”

“I’m sorry,” he laughed, taking a step forward “I guess I’m just a little shocked because that’s exactly what I wanted to say to you.”

It took me a few seconds to process his words and I gaped at him for a full ten seconds before I choked out, “It is?”

“Well, yeah,” he chuckled again, taking another step forward so his black boots were toe to toe with the black boots I was wearing over my most comfortable pair of leggings. “You didn’t know?”

“That you like me?” I sputtered out, my arms dropping to my sides. “How would I know that? It’s not like you’re super expressive.”

“Fair enough,” he nodded, straightening his arms in his pockets and leaning forward just a bit. “I can think of a way to make everything clear, though.”

“What’s that?” I replied, my response coming out as a whisper because I was a bit distracted by his lips, which were just inches away from mine.

“You could let me kiss you.”

Of course that was exactly what I wanted. After all, after waking up in Tyson’s arms, I had spent the past two days fantasizing about him pressing me against a wall and kissing me until my head was spinning, and although my heart was screaming ‘yes’, my mind decided to intervene. Lifting a hand, I flattened it against his chest, my fingers splayed, much like they had been against his stomach the day before.

“Tyson,” I breathed out, keeping him at a safe distance and wondering when I had become the rational one in our relationship. “Is this a good idea? What if it doesn’t work?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, furrowing his thick eyebrows, his lips turning downwards into a pout.

“I mean,” I inhaled deeply because I was starting to feel dizzy. “What if we do this and it turns out we suck at being together and it ruins our friendship? Cooper deserves better than parents who are constantly tiptoeing around each other.”

“What Cooper deserves,” Tyson replied softly, removing a hand from his pocket and raising it to gently cup my cheek. “is parents who love him unconditionally and whether or not we’re together, that’s not going to change. Because I know you love him and you know I love him and as long as we both do the best we can, that’s all that matters. What if we do this and it’s amazing? What if we don’t and we miss out on what could have been something incredible? Is that a risk you’re willing to take?”

His logic made sense. Neither of us were the kind to do something purely out of spite and we both put Cooper above everything else, so even if things didn’t work out between us, we would still try our hardest to be the best parents ever.

Perhaps the real reason for my hesitation stemmed from the fact that once our lips touched, there was no going back. For better or worse, my relationship with Tyson would be changed forever.

“Damn, Kingsley,” I sighed. “When did you get so wise?”

“It just comes naturally, I think,” he shrugged, smirking as he kept his gaze locked on mine. “So what are we going to do, Stel?”

He had stated his position and he was making it clear that whether or not we had any sort of romantic future was entirely my decision, a decision that I had spent more time thinking about than any other decision that I’d made in my life. Figuring that had to mean something, I whispered, ‘Oh, f**k it’, curled my fingers around the buttons on his shirt and pressed my lips firmly to his.

His lips turned upwards as he returned the pressure, the hand cupping my cheek lingering for just a moment longer before ghosting down my shoulder and settling itself at my hip, his other hand mirroring this action on the other side. The pads of his fingers pressed against my waist and I pressed against his chest as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my body flush against his frame.

I wasn’t at all surprised that Tyson turned out to be an excellent kisser. Those lips were practically made to leave me begging for more. What did surprise me, though, was how I felt when he pulled away. It wasn’t as though I’d had many successful relationships in the past, but most of them had started with a sort of franticness, a need to be close. And although I definitely wanted to be close to Tyson, when he pulled his head back and took him bottom lip between his teeth to gauge my reaction, all I felt was peaceful happiness. A sort of serenity, as though everything was exactly how it should be.

And maybe it was. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen all along. Or maybe Tyson and I together would end up being the worst decision either of us every made, but I had never been the kind to listen to my head over my heart and I didn’t intend on starting now.

“So?” he asked quietly, his thumbs gently swiping up and down my lower back. “What’s the verdict?”

“I’m not sure,” I replied, tangling my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and tugging lightly as I tried to hold back a smile. “I think I might need a few more minutes of making out in order to make a fully informed decision.”

The corners of his lips lifted, his eyes twinkling as he leaned forward again, mumbling as his reconnected with mine. “I think I can handle that.”