A Damaged Heart Still Beats

Chapter 6- Internal Battles

Catori POV

I feel like a ninja sneaking into my house. Moving with extreme stealth, I don’t make a single noise. The light over the sink is on as always and its warm glow is welcoming reminding me of the fact that my life really hasn’t changed that much. I mean now I can turn into a giant deadly wolf and have to share my already cramped headspace with her as well, but hey I can handle that. I think. Strolling through into the kitchen my stomach growls and I decide I need a snack. I walk over to the fridge and to my surprise, there is a note from my dad.

‘Cat. I figured you would be hungry when you got back.

I stopped waiting up for you at 1am. I made you a couple BLTs.

I hope you didn’t stay out too long and have calmed down a bit.

Our conversation isn’t over though kid.

Love, Dad

P.S. Don’t worry about the twins. They are fine and tucked in. They really want to talk to you in the morning.’

Awe my dad is such a softie even if the rest of the world isn’t allowed to see that. ‘Oh well great minds think alike when it comes to food, so where are my sammiches?’ I open the fridge to find two perfectly stacked BLTs taunting me from their resting place. Too bad I feel like a starved animal, and I practically inhale them both. I don’t even know how I tasted them, but they really were scrumptious. After that I help myself to what seems like a gallon of water and then decide it’s time to pee and head to bed. But first, to ease my mind, I tiptoe into the twins’ room to see them snuggled in their bunkbeds sleeping peacefully with smiles on their faces. ‘Oh, my sweet little monsters how I love you.’ I think to myself.

Heading into my room, nothing seems out of the ordinary and it makes me even more calm to know that again, it’s obvious that my life really hasn’t changed all that much. I’m totally wiped after the events of earlier, however, so instead of giving it more thought, I hop into bed and snuggle under my favorite wolf blanket. I can’t help but giggle at the irony of that after all these years. I yawn and relax. No sooner than I flip off my lamp and lay my head on my pillow I’m out cold.

I open my eyes and I’m in the clearing again where I met the doe. This must be a special place for me to keep coming back. But something about it this time seems different. It seems darker, lonelier, my special place feels tainted. I feel broken. I hear a twig snap and shoot up from my resting place on the ground only to see a dog’s tail as it wiggles in the bush. I step closer and realize its eating something. Oh no, now I smell the blood. What has this mutt killed? A poor bunny? Please just be a bunny. I grab its tail and as it whirls on me I freeze because it has my eyes. I gasp knowing what this means. I’m watching myself. Watching myself tear apart some innocent creature. The wolf stares at me with a rabid look before it jumps into me.  I flinch away from the attack but am unfazed. It blends perfectly into my body as if it belongs. And then I see it… the poor creatures it had killed. The precious doe and her twins lay strewn about in pieces. I pick one up, while sobbing at the fact the poor baby is gone, and it seems to be my fault. I loved them, why would I kill them?

Then there is a flash of lightning and as my eyes refocus, I look down to see now that I am holding my poor baby sister Aponi. Now the whole scene has shifted and I’m back in my house crying over Aponi’s body in my arms. I frantically look around and realize somehow, I am the one who has torn her and Aiyana to pieces. Blood coats the walls, and I look down to see that my clothes are tattered and blood red too. Scanning for a sign of life I notice that Cali also lays unmoving. I wonder if this started with her but before I can give it much thought, she jumps up with her head barely hanging to her torso and she glares into my very soul screaming that this is all my fault. I am the reason the twins are gone. I am a trouble maker and a monster and no one is safe around me. She grabs Aponi from my arms throwing her corpse only to get ahold of my shoulders and shake me as she continues screaming that it’s all my fault. I try backing away only to run into the wall behind me and-

I wake with a scream caught in my throat and swollen eyes. “How long have I been out?” I ask allowed while looking over at the clock. I have trouble focusing beyond my tears. With a heavy swallow I focus on blinking back the crying long enough to notice the clock reads 4:15A. holy crap, I have only been asleep for 45 minutes and my brain is already in full breakdown? I reach for my bottle of Water only to see that I have elongated claws protruding from my fingertips. I close my eyes tightly and whisper “Waya I need you. Help! what the hell is happening?”

Catori calm down your fear is pushing you to partially shift right now. No one is in danger. It was just a bad dream.

I tense up more before inhaling deeply. “Thanks Waya” I huff. I take a few calming breaths and the world that was spinning moments ago comes to a halt once again. I have to mentally talk myself through this… I’m ok. The twins are ok. Everyone but me is asleep. It’s going to be ok. Then the thought hits me, “Are these kind of dreams normal?” Waya seems to be pacing in my mind but pauses to growl softly.

It’s your subconscious trying to scare you. You just have to get past the nightmares and doubts early into this journey and eventually, the positive moments will start to overshadow the dark depths that the mind can take you to.

I sigh and slump back against my pillow. I am so thankful that it’s Friday night/ Saturday morning. At least I don’t have school to worry about on top of the lack of sleep. I have had an overload of information dropped on me today and my subconscious is running wild with it tonight. If I have any more nightmares this is going to be a looooong night. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to get this over with. Suck it up buttercup. Back to sleep.