A Myrtle Clover Cozy Mystery

Chapter 1

Myrtle said with great satisfaction, “This is the most fun I’ve had in forever.”

Miles raised his eyebrows. “Sitting on your front porch while counting cars?”

“Just the mere act of being out here makes me feel exhilarated, Miles. I feel free. And I’m winning the car game. I have more red cars than you have silver cars.”

Miles didn’t seem very distraught over losing the game. “It’s rather surprising there aren’t more silver cars in Bradley. I’m certain I’ve read an article stating it is the most popular color for consumers. It doesn’t show dirt as much, apparently.”

“But red cars are more fun, aren’t they? People like to have fun, even if it’s just sitting in a red car.”

Miles quirked an eyebrow. “Or sitting on a front porch?”

“It’s the context. We’re on the porch and we know Erma isn’t going to pop over and fill us in on her latest, most disgusting medical condition. She’s out of town! And it’s absolutely marvelous.”

Miles frowned. “She’ll be back at some point, though. It’s not as if she moved away.”

“Don’t be a killjoy, Miles. It’s unbecoming. Think how much fun we’ve had in the last few days—counting cars, waving at people from the porch. And it’s all been very annoying to Red how I’ve been able to note all his comings and goings. I’ve even been able to comment on what groceries he’s brought into the house and suggested he cut back on his red meat consumption.”

“I’m sure that pleased him to no end,” said Miles.

“He knows he needs to watch his blood pressure. I absolutely love my front porch. I think I like it even more than my dock on the lake.”

“Hellooooo there!” said a sudden, odious voice floating over from next door. “Myrtle? Miles? Is that you?”

Myrtle’s eyes widened in horror. “It’s her.”

Miles looked equally alarmed. “Erma’s back.”

“Hurry! Let’s run.”

It said something about how abominable Erma was that they both scrambled to get inside Myrtle’s house. Miles was holding the door open for Myrtle when, in her haste, her foot slipped and she fell, with a plunk, onto her knee.

“Myrtle?” gasped Miles.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Help me get inside.”

But it was too late as Erma was already upon them. She gaped at the two of them and then peered at Myrtle, who appeared to be having a medical issue of her own for once.

“I’ll get Red,” said Erma with determination.

“Noooooo!” commanded Myrtle.

But it was too late. Erma had bounded across the street to alert Myrtle’s son and the town of Bradley’s police chief that his mother had fallen down.

“Get me up,” gritted Myrtle between her teeth. “This problem is only cosmetic.”

Miles carefully slid his arm around her and gently lifted her up from the cement floor of the porch and into her house.

Once he had her settled on the sofa, he more closely inspected her knee. “You’ve skinned it.”

Myrtle sighed. “As if I were six and learning to ride a bike. You’ll find antiseptic and bandages in my medicine cabinet, Miles. Would you mind bringing them to me?”

Just then, Red burst in through her front door with Erma close behind him, staring with wide eyes at the scene in front of her.

Myrtle was most unhappy at Erma for both returning from town and alerting Red to Myrtle’s tumble. She said, “Erma, don’t you have some unpacking to do?”

Erma snapped her fingers. “My cooler. Gotta put that stuff in the fridge.”

“Thanks for your help,” said Red as Erma gave them a wave and headed out.

Myrtle grimaced at the notion that Erma could be of any help to anyone at any time.

Red came over to take a look at Myrtle’s knee, which was doing an excellent job of making it look as though Myrtle had been seriously injured.

“I skinned it,” she said with a shrug. “It’s as simple as that.”

“Yes, but the underlying issue is that you lost your balance and fell,” said Red grimly.

“I’ll get the antiseptic,” said Miles, suddenly eager to get away.

Myrtle shot Red a look. “I only fell because of the circumstances. I would never have fallen if I hadn’t been trying to escape the clutches of the pernicious Erma. Desperation made this happen.”

“Falls are devastating for people your age,” said Red. “I just want you to be safe.” He paused. “I’ve been waiting for the right time to tell you something. There’s something I want to give you.”

Miles returned with the antiseptic, cotton balls, and bandages.

“Excellent timing, Miles. I believe Red is about to propose,” said Myrtle dryly.

Red shot her a look. But then he proceeded to bring out a box.

Myrtle raised her eyebrows and Red opened it to reveal a long silver necklace with an obelisk of some sort at the end.

Red cleared his throat. “It came with a chain that wasn’t very pretty so I found one that looked better. That looked more like jewelry.”

Myrtle took the necklace from him and studied it carefully as Miles dabbed at her knee with antiseptic and put ointment on it.

“I do believe this is a medic alert necklace,” said Myrtle thoughtfully.

Red nodded. “It is. The idea is that if you fall or feel sick, you just press the button and it dials the service. Elaine and I are picking up the tab for the monitoring.”

Myrtle considered the necklace some more and then carefully put it around her neck. “I thought, considering the short distance between our houses, that I could perhaps simply yell from the floor and you could hear me.”

Red shook his head. “My hearing isn’t what it used to be, Mama.”

“Too many loud concerts when you were younger,” said Myrtle promptly.

“Maybe. Besides, Jack is often making such a racket that it would be impossible to hear over him.”

As usual, Myrtle didn’t want to hear a word against her beloved grandson. “Happy playing sometimes means loud playing.”

“Sometimes it’s not happy playing at all. Sometimes it’s good old-fashioned temper tantrums.” He shrugged. “Anyway, this will make me feel a lot better that you can get the help you need, if you need it.”

“There are phones,” said Myrtle in the tone of someone informing someone else of something they didn’t know.

“Sometimes people fall and their phones are out of reach,” said Red. “That happened to Miz Nelson the other day.”

Myrtle pursed her lips but didn’t say anything. Miles carefully put a bandage over her knee.

“How does it feel?” asked Miles, regarding his work uncertainly.

Myrtle said, “Like a skinned knee. But at least it’s all cleaned up. Thank you, Miles.”

Red said, “Yes, thanks, Miles. And no more running, Mama. It is just lucky that you’re built so sturdily.”

She shrugged. “I don’t often run. Only when the circumstances warrant it.”

Red said, “Okay. Well, I’m out of here. Take it easy for a change, Mama.”

As soon as the door closed behind him, Miles said, “It’s very interesting that you haven’t taken the necklace off and thrown it across the room yet. That fall must have shaken you up more than I thought. Are you sure you’re not concussed?”

Myrtle looked down at the silver necklace. “I’m planning on keeping it on. It’s the only piece of jewelry Red has ever given me. Aside from one made from painted macaroni in kindergarten, that is. And I might still have that one in my jewelry box.”

“It’s an attractive necklace, I must say. Probably much better than the macaroni one.”

Myrtle fingered it. “It is. And it will go with all of my outfits. It’s actually sort of thoughtful of him. When he blustered over here, I thought he was going to make another horrid pitch for my banishment to Greener Pastures Retirement Home.”

“Do you think he’s given up entirely on that idea?”

Myrtle snorted. “No way. But I suppose he doesn’t think he’ll have any luck in persuading me any time soon.”

“I rather thought he was going to move you there last month.”

Myrtle said, “Oh, you mean after the insurrection?”

Miles smiled. “The very one. And you should take more credit, considering you instigated the insurrection.”

“I simply pointed out that Greener Pastures needed to devote more of their revenue stream to food. When I had dinner with Dinah Bridgeton last month, the inmates were given a single hotdog with no bun and a scrap of garlic bread. Appalling!”

Miles said, “Perhaps the fact that you refer to them as ‘inmates’ instead of ‘residents’ also created a stir.”

“It makes them think, doesn’t it? Thinking is always a good thing. Anyway, Dinah emailed me and said that the food has gotten better over the last week. No more salty mac and cheese and too-crunchy fish sticks. And that’s what I told Red—I helped promote progress at Greener Pastures. The residents should throw a special ceremony for me.”

Then her face fell and she sighed. “The insurrection was the highlight of my month and this is the lowlight. Erma has returned home. I was so happy sitting out on my front porch.”

Miles said helpfully, “Sitting on the dock is nice too, though. And those bushes you planted last year really help shield you from Erma’s prying eyes.”

“Precisely. I couldn’t stand the thought of Erma popping by all the time. She’s one of those people who just doesn’t take a hint.” Myrtle frowned suddenly and stood, peering out her front window. “What’s all this?” she asked in an irritated voice.

Miles joined her. Red was talking to Erma in a rather animated way. Erma was nodding delightedly. Red gestured toward Myrtle’s house and Erma nodded again before saluting. Red patted Erma on the arm and headed back across the street to his house.

“What was all that about?” asked Miles.

Myrtle’s eyes narrowed. “That little pantomime indicates that Red has recruited Erma to look after me. To spy on me.”

“Surely not,” Miles demurred. “He knows how distasteful you find Erma.”

“Everyone finds Erma distasteful. Red is just looking to get on my nerves by having Erma hang out as close as possible. That’s very annoying.” Myrtle picked up her phone.

Miles said, “I have the feeling you’re summoning Dusty to put out a large gnome display.”

“Most certainly,” said Myrtle crisply.

She punched in the numbers and heard Dusty howl on the other end, “Too dry to mow, Miz Myrtle!”

“There’s no mowing required, Dusty, so you can just settle yourself down.”

“Them gnomes, then?”

Myrtle said, “Yes. I’d like the gnomes set out in the front yard all in rows like a miniature army.”

“What’s he done now?” Dusty asked curiously.

“Red is trying to run my life, as per usual. When can you get over here to help me out?”

Dusty said, “Have to check my calendar.”

“I find it very hard to believe that you maintain a calendar. Besides, I can tell that you’re free right now—I hear a game show playing in the background. You can bring your wife with you, too. I’m going to be hosting book club and I need Puddin over to clean. My dust bunnies are rapidly procreating.”

Dusty muttered something on the other end and Myrtle said, “See you two shortly, then.” She hung up the phone.

Miles said thoughtfully, “I’d almost forgotten about the upcoming book club meeting.”

“You’ve read the book though, surely. You’re practically the only one in the club who I can count on to actually read the selection.”

Miles nodded. “Of course I have. I’d read Little Women when I was a kid, of course, but I read it again a few weeks ago. I’d forgotten how much humor the book had and how strong the characters were. It was fun to reread it.”

“I’m glad. Of course, I was forced to pick something at the book club’s reading level. I’ve given up on my lofty goals of reading Shakespearean plays or Dostoevsky. Actually, I wondered if Little Women might be too difficult for this group. I’d previously contemplated assigning Go, Spot, Go to the group.”

Miles grinned. “I think I remember how that story goes. See spot run. Go, Spot, go. Look, look, look.”

“That’s the plot in a nutshell,” said Myrtle with a sniff.

Miles said, “Did I read in one of Tippy’s emails that there was a new member of book club? Or two?”

“That’s right. That horrid Palmer woman has joined.”

Miles raised his eyebrows. “What makes her so horrid?”

“She’s just ghastly. You’ll understand when you see her. She’s rapidly joining every organization in town so I have to encounter her at garden club, too. She’s even infiltrated church,” said Myrtle gloomily.

“You’re not at church very frequently,” pointed out Miles in a helpful manner.

“I religiously attend online.”

“No pun intended,” said Miles.

“Anyway, she’s going to be part of our book club now and that means it will be her turn to pick a book. Who knows what atrocious title she’ll force us all to read? I may have to plan on being ill next month so I don’t have to deal with it. Plus, she’s bringing a friend with her. Whitney. No, Whitley. I’m sure to get her name wrong.” Myrtle’s voice indicated that she thought Whitley had deliberately chosen her name just to annoy everyone.

“At least you’re hosting this month so you’ll have more control over the function. And remember,” added Miles quickly, “Book club has the new rule that the host is exempted from preparing food for the meeting.”

“Yes, yes. I remember. It seems a silly sort of rule, though. I’m sure the etiquette experts would think book club is woefully falling down on the job. The whole point of being a host is to provide food and beverages to those visiting in our homes. Anyway, I suppose that’s fine. I have enough to deal with getting Dusty and Puddin over here.”

Miles said with a frown. “Book club is tomorrow, is it not?”

“It certainly is. It sneaked up on me, too. I should have started my campaign to get Puddin over here much earlier.”

“I never understand why you continue putting up with Puddin. You could easily switch over to her cousin, Bitsy. She always seems like she does a good job. Besides, Bitsy is an avid gossip. She could provide all sorts of entertaining tidbits for you.”

Myrtle said, “The problem is that I simply can’t afford Bitsy. You’ve heard me say how restricting a retired teacher’s budget is. Puddin is the best I can do. At any rate, she’s better than me trying to chase my own dust bunnies.” She gave a big sigh. “I’m all keyed up now, thinking about Erma and Red. There’s only one thing to do.”

Miles looked at her questioningly.

“Watch our soap opera,” said Myrtle simply.

And so they did. That particular episode of Tomorrow’s Promise was full of drama. An older character, Ralph, who’d been dealing with dementia for several months was suddenly fine and having a spirited affair with someone named Deanna.

“This show is such a hot mess,” said Miles. “Their plots are a disaster. How could anyone not correct all the storyline inconsistencies? They must be changing their writers every few weeks.”

“Shh!” said Myrtle. “Ralph is going to ask Deanna to marry him.”

“He’s seventy-five! She’s thirty. And he has dementia.”

Myrtle said, “But you’re riveted, aren’t you? That’s the only thing that matters.”

And so they spent the rest of the hour watching all sorts of shenanigans on Tomorrow’s Promise. Following that, Myrtle suggested they play hearts.

Miles frowned. “I don’t think two people can play hearts. I think you need three or four.”

“I’ll look it up online. I bet we can make some sort of modification to make it work.”

Sure enough, if they removed all the 3s, 5s, 7s, 9s, Jacks, and Kings, then the game would work for two players.

Miles said in a grumbling voice, “I feel like I don’t have any cards at all.”

“Don’t be silly. You have plenty of cards. Thirteen, as a matter of fact.”

Miles became a lot jollier after that when he realized his thirteen cards made for a very good hand indeed. He had lots of spades and no queen of spades. He ended up winning the hand.

“I haven’t played hearts for forever,” he said. “We should do this more often.”

Myrtle said, “We really should be doing this with Wanda. You know how much she loves playing cards.”

Which was precisely when the phone rang. Myrtle picked up and heard Wanda’s voice grating in her ear. “Yer in danger.”