Tempered by the Will

23 - Intentions

 "You and Constantine aren't getting along."

If it were from anyone but Bren, Vica would have retorted with blistering sarcasm. As it was, she reined it in and settled for staring at him out of the corner of her eye. He wasn't looking at her, however, and instead was staring out past the raised, pointed bow of the gondola that carried them through the canal at a drifting pace. Water lapped along the side of the boat with rhythmic licks, accentuating the spiny silence between them.

"He's difficult," she said finally. "And from now on, so am I if I have to be."

"What about Duke Aventine?"

She shrugged. "I still hold it against him that he paid to have me kidnapped in the first place, but I have to use him. So for now, we're on the same side, that's all."

"You don't trust him?"

"Of course not. If he's the kind of person who'll admit that he's willing to have someone Dominated to serve his purposes, then he's not someone to trust. I figure after this is all over, his day of reckoning will come."

"Dominated? He said that?"

"We had a conversation when we first got here. Really opened my eyes to a few things."

"Well..." Bren let out a long sigh. "This is a different world. Those who let their conscience guide them never make it this far, so all that leaves are those desperate enough to stoop to such depths. If you mean to look for powerful allies who are also governed by your breed of morality, you will be looking for a very long, long time."

"You can't possibly be defending him."

"Only as far as his intentions. I think it safe to say that while his conscience is more flexible than yours, he does work toward the same end. The Resistance has been hard at work trying to dismantle the Order for a very long time now."

Vica scowled. That much was true; Felix did seem genuine in that regard. But that didn't mean he wouldn't be in her way after all of this was over: if he decided to try to become the next despot, she would fight him too. She could see that happening.

"And meanwhile, Constantine is hard at work trying to help you. He may not care so much about the Order, but he has a great affection for you."

"...Excuse me?"

"It isn't my intention to pry," he said lightly. "I only mean that if nothing else, trust his greed. If you let him, he could become your most useful ally."

"I trust it. I just can't stand him."

"But you care for him, yes? You tried very hard to reconcile with him for days. He is important to you."

Vica screwed her eyes shut and leaned back against the gondola's stern. "I went through a lot because of him. And in my head, for the longest time - I thought it was us getting through it together. But it wasn't. He was the reason I was suffering in the first place, and for some reason, I just...forgot."

"You were his captive for a time."

"Technically, the entire time. I had no way of fighting and getting away, anyhow."

"It happens. Captives falling for their captors. You are not the first."

She looked at Bren with an even deeper scowl. "That does absolutely nothing to make me feel better."

"I only mean that you should spare yourself a little blame. He was in a position of power over you. That meant you had to do what it took to survive. Perhaps subconsciously, you knew that the only way to secure your safety was to..."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore. Long story short, I don't know why I overlooked everything he did for the longest time. But he turned and slapped it back on my face. He disrespected and humiliated me and thought that it would change my mind. Well, he's an i***t. All that proved was that he wasn't worth my time."

"He seems to be making an effort to correct that now."

"Just effort isn't good enough. I don't care how much he means it. I don't owe it to him to forgive him just because he's ooh, ahh, trying so very hard." Her voice hardened and became bitter. "It's the result that matters. In the end, it's not my job to be patient with him. His shortcomings are his problems to fix, not my burden to bear."

"Of course not. I apologize. It wasn't my place to comment."

She pulled in a deep breath and let her lungs expand, taking in the cool air of the evening. The sun had already half-set; soon, this whole place would be illuminated only by the full moon. That meant Lady Murena's people would surly make their move and intercept them soon, so she needed to get her head on straight and stop letting her anger control her.

"Sorry," she said after a moment. "I know you're trying to help. I'm just - disappointed. That's all."

"Are you sure?" When she frowned, his pale lips turned up in a small, wry smile. "What I mean is - I think you're more than disappointed. As you should be. You and Constantine were in an intimate relationship, were you not?"

Okay, now this was getting uncomfortable. Or rather, it should be...and yet she found herself wanting to answer anyway. She had no one to confide in, no one to share her pains and miseries. "I guess," she muttered. "It's hard to pin down, though...I mean, it's not like we ever sat down and talked about it. Besides, I was kidnapped. My head wasn't in the right space, and -"

"I expect behind the disappointment is at least a little heartbreak, then. I was only with you both for the short time before we reached the Capital, but he was exceedingly cruel to you."

The arguments, the insults. The callousness had been the worst of all, when he would say things purely to hurt and frustrate her while knowing full well she could say nothing that would hurt him in return - because she hadn't wanted to. He had taken advantage of that, over and over and over again...

Those days would never go away, and neither would the things he had said. Just like the night he had taken her away, threatening the lives of innocents to make her obey. Just like the night he had forced himself on her. All the indignities, all the humiliations, all the hurt.

What she felt for him was such a callow, naive thing. If she were wiser, she would never have fallen for him.

"I wish I hated him," she said slowly. "You must think I'm pathetic."

"Not at all. Merely unfortunate. But at least you can be sure that he wants what is best for you. All that's necessary is for you both to reconcile your definitions of what is 'best.' He wants you to leave and live in peace; you want to stay and fight."

"I don't understand him. He spent a lot of time in the Capital, didn't he? He knows all this - this horribleness is going on, but he thinks it's ridiculous of me to want to change it."

"No," said Bren, and he gave her a pointed look that made her take pause and listen. "Ridiculousness has nothing to do with it. He is afraid of losing you."

She nearly recoiled. She hated it - hated hearing that. It was too personal, too intimate -

"He has threatened me numerous times on your behalf," he remarked. "And yet he refrains from harming me because he knows you would not want it. You matter to him. So do your wishes. He seems willing to humor them so long as they do not conflict with the one thing that is even more important."

"...What's that."

"Your safety. Your life." The half-elf shrugged. "Since he intends to stay with you, you should at least use this to your advantage."

To her advantage? What did he mean? Something sneaky, a trick -?

"Allow him to balance you," he continued. "I think it would be beneficial. You have determination and drive, but - some things are not so straightforward. There is more danger than you know in places too dark for you to see. You follow your heart, but that means you are sometimes too..."

"Too?" she pressed.

"Too noble."

"That's -!"

"It is nothing to be ashamed of," he said with a small smile. "But the truth is that you cannot save everyone. This plan - you and I here using the canal to travel toward House Murena's domain while Constantine and Felix follow behind at a discreet distance - it's quite dangerous. We are separated from the others and alone, all to attract the attention of Lady Murena's spies and bait her into intercepting us just as we reach her borders. This removes the risk of casualties, but at the same time, what will happen if you are captured? Or killed? It could happen on accident even if she and her men mean to keep you alive. And if something happens to you, the Resistance suffers a crippling blow."

"I won't let innocent people die because I was too afraid to make a stand. Besides, you didn't say anything earlier when I suggested it. How come you have a problem with it now -"

"Because I trust your judgment, Vica. And you are right. We should keep others out of danger if possible. But...you have to remember that your life means a great deal to many more people than you realize. Your arrival signals hope. It signals possibility for change. But if that is snuffed out..."

"Alright," she said, her voice stiff and unhappy. "I get it. I'm trying to be careful."

"But that is what I meant. It can be hard to balance these things. You do what you feel is right, and you forget to protect yourself. Let Constantine carry that burden then, since he seems so well suited to it already."

"...What?"

"I mean to say that you should compromise with him, allow him to have what he wants - to a degree. While you forge onward, he will hold you steady. What he wants above all is to keep you safe, and in the end, that is what matters most to the Resistance as well. It is good that you can empathize so deeply with others, but the reality is that one life is not always equal to another. Saving an innocent child means one life saved. Saving you could mean tens of thousands saved, in the future. So you must adapt. Learn to navigate these waters while balancing the risks. Use others to this end. Constantine is a strong ally, and he can be satisfied if you simply exercise more caution from now on."

"He wants me to give up and leave -"

"He will give up on that and salvage what he can, since you will never agree. Let him influence you. His fear of losing you will keep you alive and temper the choices you make in the future."

"...Why are you defending him?" she demanded. "He hates you. He's hated you from the beginning. He treats you like -"

"Because I know that what he wants most is to keep you safe. His actions are misguided, and no one can say he is a good man, but I know that I can rely on him for that sole reason. I think you can as well."

Vica opened her mouth to try to force out a reply even though she had no idea what she wanted to say - but never got the chance. A flash of movement, a blur of a gray sleeve, and suddenly Bren was shoving her down toward the floor of the boat. Before she could make a single sound whether in surprise or in protest, she then felt him slump over her.

He was too slender and small to weigh her down, and in frantic haste, she quickly lifted her head to see what was happening. It was far darker than it had been just moments ago with the sun now nearly set over the horizon, but it was still bright enough to see something narrow and long protruding from Bren's back.

An arrow shaft.