Secret Affairs

NINE

I didn’t know what I was doing. I was simply going through the motions after that day. My father was dead. Nate was still recovering from the gunshot wound that barely missed an artery. Daniel was running the company in our stead.

I didn’t want anything to do with this anymore. I was never one to run away from my problems, but this one wasn’t mine. All I wanted now was to find the person who did this. My father and I may not have seen eye to eye, but I never wished him dead. If anything, I wanted him to have a long and happy life, even if it wasn’t something he could give me.

I had avoided visiting Nate at the hospital. I resented him at first, because he survived and my father didn’t. But then I realized how f****d up that really was. I was selfish.

Early in the morning, I decided it was time to go see him. I even bought him a cake that said ‘Sorry you got shot :)’. When I walked in Nate was reading over a file. He had the bed filled with papers and his laptop on his lap. He almost died, and he was still working. Where was his family to tell him this was unhealthy?

More importantly why did I care so much?

I stood by the door watching him for a few seconds. His hair was messily ruffled, so unlike the prim and proper look he always went for. He didn’t look like he was on the verge of death which was good, he had color in his cheeks and his eyes still shown bright.

Stepping inside, I didn’t know how to speak to him. Every time I tried to open my mouth all I could think of was how my father wasn’t here.

“Hey how are you feeling?” I asked Nate. He didn’t seem startled by my presence, he only continued to review whatever he was looking over.

Nate finally looked up with a cocky grin spreading across his face. “Were you worried about me?” I should be surprised that he was able to bounce back so quickly, but he was resilient. Not even this could keep him down.

I took a few steps closer and sat his cake down on his lap. Nate read over the words and then looked up at me with furrowed brows. “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dying,” I smiled at him.

“As you can see I’m doing fine. I’ll even have a nice little scar I can show you later,” he told me. I hadn’t noticed that he was holding my hand. His thumb gently rubbing over my palm. The softness of his touch completely contradicting his overt flirting.

I wanted to pull my hand away didn’t I? But he almost died. I didn’t want to keep living afraid of the choices I made. Did I almost die? If Daniel hadn’t pulled me back would I have been lying on the pavement in a puddle of blood?

Daniel.

He protected me. I wasn’t sure if he did it because he felt like it was the right thing to do, or because he still cared. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the real answer either.

I gently pulled my hand away remembering how terrible I am at making choices when I’m not thinking straight. This whole ordeal had my mind spinning.

Coming so close to dying, but not really made me feel so guilty. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be traumatized, because I could’ve ended up dead, or in this hospital bed.

Nate scowled and then went back to his laptop. He seemed upset, but maybe I was overthinking. He was probably just in pain from the wound. “Where’s James?” He asked me.

“He’s been helping run the company since... well you know,” I replied waving my hand at him in the hospital bed. The air in the room grew colder and the tension was palpable. I could tell he was annoyed. I just didn’t know about what.

Anyone would be miserable being confined to a bed, it could have been worse. He got lucky. This bed was lucky.

“You can’t tell him,” I whispered bringing my gaze down to the floor. I was afraid to bring it up. Bring up what we did. But I didn’t want to be anymore. I was going to deal with this like an adult since I wanted to make adult choices.

I wasn’t ashamed for what I did. Simply the reason why I did it. It was selfish of me, and if Daniel ever found out he would surely hate me. I didn’t want that, but I also didn’t want Nate to hate me. For whatever reason I wanted their approval. I wanted to feel like I was wanted and loved. I was simply looking for it in all the wrong places.

“Why not? I think he might enjoy sharing,” Nate joked. Or at least I hoped he was joking. I looked up at him and he was staring back at me with a cold stony gaze. His eyes glimmered brightly telling me nothing he was saying was a joke.

“Please don’t.”

“Regretting it already? You seemed to enjoy yourself,” he responded with his stupid f*****g perfect smirk. I had no clue how he could be so damn agitating and charming at the same time. I wanted to punch him and maybe kiss him afterwards. Bad idea, I reminded myself.

“Even on your deathbed you manage to be a pain in my ass,” I retorted rolling my eyes.

He laughed. And for a second I forgot our circumstances. I forgot that my father was dead and that Nate almost died, that Daniel somewhat hated me, that I made poor choices. And everything was okay in the world. “I didn’t do anything you weren’t begging me for.” And the asshole vibes were back.

“It was angry hate s*x!”

“Your mouth said otherwise as it was wrapped around my co— “

“Stop!”

Nate grabbed my hand and pulled me towards him causing me to stumble on my feet. My hand reached out trying to steady myself and landed on his thigh, incredibly close to his d**k. “Only if you let me bend you over and f**k you, my c**k misses the warmth of your greedy little cunt,” he whispered lowly.

My cheeks were flaming on both ends. For one I had to stop myself from looking over my shoulder to make sure no one heard and two my ass intimately remembered the palm of his hand. But I had to remind myself that it was nothing more than a quick f**k. Surely he was well aware of what happened after one of those.

I tried to pull back as far as I could go with him still holding onto my hand that left me standing at a weird angle. “Can we please just not pretend this is more than what it was?” The last thing I needed was for my dumb b***h feelings to get involved. I saw how well that worked out with Daniel. I didn’t need myself forming emotional attachments to any man I have s*x with.

“I don’t know what you think of me Rowan, but I don’t just f**k anyone,” he told me letting go of my hand. He seemed upset that I insinuated he was a man w***e. To be fair, with a face like his I was surprised he didn’t use it more to his advantage. He definitely tried to use his pretty face during our first meeting.

My mouth was agape. I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t know if I wanted to. Anything I could say could be misinterpreted, and I didn’t even know what I wanted to say, or how I was feeling. So much was happening all at once.

Nate took my silence and let it go, at least for now. “So why are you really here?”

I took a step back and stood up straighter. Right I was here for another reason. “I was serious about leaving the company,” I answered. I wasn’t sure if my resignation would be remembered after everything that happened.

“You don’t have to. We can make it work, full transparency,” Nate responded. That was what I wanted from the beginning, but it wasn’t what I needed. I couldn’t go back there, not anymore. My father died right in front of that building. It brings me nothing but painful memories. When I close my eyes all I see is him coughing up blood.

“No, I know. This just made me realize that I wasn’t doing it for myself. I was doing it for my father. I never gave myself an opportunity to find what I really wanted to do,” I explained myself. Saying it out loud I wondered how I lasted this long, and why I would be content being somewhat miserable. “I would like to stay on as a silent partner, and I still do own a majority of shares, so I would like to be kept in the loop.”

Nate accepted my resignation. Not that he had much of a choice, but he didn’t argue with me either.

Once the medical examiner was finished, she released my father’s body for the burial. I was dreading this day in more ways than one. My father was dead. Now I had to live with the fact that the only time he told me he loved me was when he knew he was dying.

I wanted to say that I hated him, that I felt nothing for his death. But all I felt was aching sadness and desperation, because now we would never get the opportunity to mend our relationship.

I was still in bed when I heard someone opening my front door. I should be panicking. The only person who had a key to my apartment was Sam. I pulled the covers over my head and buried myself underneath my pillows. It was reckless of me, but I didn’t care who was at the door. I just wanted this day to be over with already. I wanted to move on and be happy. I wanted to make myself happy. Was that selfish?

A few minutes later I heard the clacking of heals hitting the floor and my bed sink down as someone sat on the edge.

“Ro, pumpkin. It’s time to get ready,” Sam said in a sickeningly sweet voice. She gently pulled the covers away from my face and only now was I realizing that I was crying. The puddle of tears on my pillow felt cold against my cheek.

“I can’t go.”

“You have to honey.”

I wanted to go. I wanted to put my father to rest, but thinking about seeing his body lowered into the ground wrenched my soul out of my body. “No, I can’t because then I’ll cry and everyone will see how weak I really am,” I complained. That wasn’t really the reason. I didn’t care what other people thought of me. Especially not now. I just couldn’t be there; I couldn’t bare my soul for everyone to see.

“None of that matters,” Sam argued back.

“Doesn’t it? My father would never be caught dead crying for anyone. Even when my mother left, he never showed an ounce of sorrow,” I cried out. I wondered if that woman would even know what was happening. Wondered if she knew that I was being left alone once again. But I doubt she cared since she was the one who left me first.

Sam curled her arms around me as I silently cried my heart out. “If you don’t want to go, I can’t force you and I’ll stay with you as long as you need. But you’ll regret it later if you don’t.”

After Sam forced me in the shower because apparently I wasn’t ‘presentable’. I got dressed in a black pantsuit while Sam went out and bought me the largest pair of black sunglasses she could find. I didn’t have the energy to style my hair today, so it just stayed curly and messy as it air dried.

One short car ride later and people were flocking towards me, giving me their condolences. People from the company showed up. Old friends of the family grieved. People I hadn’t seen in years were here telling me how much they’ll miss my father.

After the umpteenth time, I was ready to throttle everyone. Sam seemed to spot my annoyance and stood by me alongside Daniel to run interference.

It was finally time to lower my father’s body into the ground while everyone listened to a few prayers. The priest was talking about how my father lived a full life of love and happiness and I wanted to cackle. Here I was wanting to burst out laughing at my father’s funeral.

But then the unexpected happened. The priest asked me to say a few words. Apparently it was one of my father’s wishes.

My hands balled into fists and I shut my eyes trying to stop the torrent of tears. My teeth were grinding together in an attempt to stop the screams that wanted to escape. I clenched my jaw trying to keep myself in check. How could he do this to me?

No words were escaping me. There was no flood of sudden love that I wanted to get off my chest. I would miss him, but this felt more like a sense out of duty and not love.

I couldn’t.

I couldn’t say how he was an amazing father. Or how devoted he was. I couldn’t say how I remembered he used to cut the crust off my sandwiches. How every Christmas we would cut a tree down together. I couldn’t say any of those things because they would all be lies.

This was his last ‘f**k you Rowan’.

Sam held onto my hand probably knowing that I was ready to run. She had every right to think that because I was already planning my escape route. I shook my head no and slowly yanked my hand out of hers.

No one dared say anything they simply proceeded with the burial. I stood there looking at the fresh dirt covering the ground. People had already left. Sam was standing behind e. I felt rushed and like time was moving so slowly. There were no heartfelt words that were coming to mind so I just stood there silently staring at my father’s grave.

I felt someone walk up behind me, and it wasn’t Sam’s usually warm presence it was suffocating. It was Nate. “They found the shooter.”

I had wanted to hear those words since the first shot rang through. I wanted to see this son of a b***h dead in the ground just like they left my father. The worst part was that I wanted to be the one to put them there.

“Who was it?” I asked not turning around. I didn’t trust myself to not start crying once I looked at his face, or Sam, or Daniel for that matter. I just wanted to be alone for now. But I was always alone. This shouldn’t be any different. Yet somehow it was.

Nate took a deep breath before proceeding with the details. A part of me knew that what he was going to say would only upset me. “Some hired hitman. He was found dead in a dumpster. He either jumped or was tossed off of the building.”

I was glad the man was dead, but upset I wasn’t the one able to do it. Did that make me a terrible person, because I didn’t care. Not right now. “Now you’re telling me someone killed the killer?” This was worse than I could imagine. What the hell have the authorities been doing this entire time.

“That’s what it seems like.”

I scoffed. This was a joke. Just one big prank. My father would show up at my doorstep and say sike. He was never one to make jokes, but he could definitely start. For my sake.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Sam came up and asked me.

“No, I just want to be alone right now,” I replied. I turned around and walked past them. None of them stopped me, and I wasn’t sure that I wanted them to.