DEMON LYCAN AND THE GODDESS OF DEATH

CHAPTER 4*AFTERTHOUGHT*

||*ALOYSIUS*||

I kicked at twigs, dirt and fallen leaves as I walked through the woods. Once again, instead of just going home, I decided to wander the woods of the pack instead.

No one will notice my absence. That is for sure, I've been gone for a week, and not once did anyone try to call me, to know if I was even within the Pack land or not.

All focus is on Alexius, as usual. It's always been that way, and I don't see it changing any time soon. All this I have come to accept, and realised I should also stop complaining about it likewise.

However, it is sometimes difficult to just ignore the overall neglect. Even though I can see mom and dad's attempts at trying to be present for me, I want to acknowledge their attempts, but it lacks effort, and always seemed like a half-hearted gesture. Like they only try to reach out whenever they feel sorry for me.

They only seem to show any form of concern or care for me, whenever they need me for something, which is mostly the only time I am remembered in any conversation, and once that is done, I go back to becoming a mere shadow in the background, almost like I never existed in the family.

Dad made an attempt to reach out last week, after I had helped Alexius with the sketch of the witch who took him, and now his son. I am not ungrateful, so I was thankful that he made an effort. He had suggested that we cook together. Which I gladly obliged.

I knew that was his attempt at trying to connect with me, yet I was also aware that wouldn't change anything. It won't suddenly mend the estranged relationship I have with them. Knowing all this, I still agreed to cook together, pretended I was okay with it all, even though he guessed my favourite food wrong.

It didn't matter. I guess it's fair that he only remembered what used to be my favorite food as a kid. While growing up, we never really spent that much time together, so I didn't fault him for not knowing what my favorite food was. Pretending has to be one of the things that comes to me very easily. It was easy to pretend throughout the time we spent together in the kitchen that I was having fun and bonding with my father.

What was there to bond over? We weren't even cooking something I loved eating. I had grown out of that many years ago, stopped eating it and it slowly became my least favourite thing to eat because it reminded me of moments that once was. Reminded me of when I still had my twin brother as my best friend, when being part of the family didn't seem like a burden, when mom still noticed my existence.

And after that, we were back to what I now term as the norm between us. Which was me being aware of their presence all the time, while I am nothing but a mere shadow in all their lives, my absence is never noticed, and no one even notices when I am present.

At least I am glad that Alexius is back home. I am grateful for that, because I knew even though no one said it to my face, I was largely blamed for his disappearance. I just hope soon, we can get his son back, and I'll be done with the occasional guilt.

'Or you could just apologize to him. You know that will help with the guilt too.' Indra suggested.

'Why must he apologize? He did nothing wrong, all he did was expose that creepy kid, who, by the way, was preying on his twin brother.' Fenrir responded before I could.

'Paige is my brother, and he isn't creepy.' I replied, feeling as Fenrir rolled his eyes.

'Adopted brother, the one who stole your biological brother from you.'

'He didn't steal Alexius, they just grew closer because of the mate bond.' I replied, even though I had no reason to defend them against Fenrir.

'Is that what you tell yourself now to feel less pity about the fact that your family don't regard your existence? Does it make you feel better believing that Alexius didn't grow apart from you because he wanted to but because of the mate bond? Hmm, that's pathetic.'

'You really know how to get on my nerves.' I gritted in annoyance, clenching my fist to control my temper.

'Do I? Or do you just hate that I say the things you don't want to admit? Or do you hate that I am the proof that you are not a good person?'

'I am not evil.' I growled darkly.

'Hmmm, doesn't mean you're a good person either.'

'Aloysius is a good person. Stop trying to corrupt his mind with hateful thoughts. You've done enough damage. You're the reason he ratted out his brothers, stop trying to poison his mind and make him what he is not.' Indra protested on my behalf, while I sighed in exasperation.

'He has me because there's darkness in him. Not everyone gets a demon Lycan as a counterpart. I am here because a part of his soul called to me. I am darkness. Do you think I would exist comfortably within someone whose soul bears light?' Fenrir argued with Indra, and I couldn't help but admit that what he said made a little sense.

'Good thing there's two of us then, be darkness or whatever. Have all the evil of hell in you, but there's a reason he has me, there's a reason I came before you. And I won't let you make him evil, something he is not.' Indra snarled angrily.

They never get along, they've never gotten along ever since I began to notice Fenrir's presence, and I am beginning to slowly see why both of them never get along.

'I have always been here, I didn't make my presence known simply because his body and mind couldn't accommodate me that early. You were only a second option, Indra. Don't think too highly of yourself. Also, I don't need to make him into something that he is. You should be glad that I even let you stay, and I only let you stay because there has to be balance.' Fenrir responded, chuckling as Indra snarled at him.

He always knows what to say to set Indra off. I don't even know if half of what he just said is true. Was I really born to be evil? Perhaps that's the reason I've always been cold as a kid. I was always different from Alexius, was never as social and bubbly as he was.

Perhaps that was why I loved his company, because Alexius helped me act like a normal child. Even if it wasn't my whole personality, it was easy to imitate him, and pretend to be as lovely as he was sometimes. Alexius was my facade, with him around I wasn't a shadow and I guess that was the reason I hated Paige, because without Alexius, I slowly retreated into the shadows, and no one even noticed.

'Finally, you admit that you hate him.' Fenrir murmured, and I hissed in annoyance.

'I said hated, past tense. Paige and I have made up already.' I barked at him.

'So you don't hate him anymore? Does that apply to everyone else in the family?'

'I don't hate my family. Can you stop being so annoying?'

'It never occured to me that it is possible to love people who constantly hurt you.'

'I.... I don't hate them.' Unable to say the words, that I love them. I don't know.

I don't hate them, but I'm not sure I even know what it means to love one's family. I know I care for them to an extent. I wouldn't want to see them hurt or in pain, not intentionally, but does that mean I love them?

"Have I not warned you not to wander into this place aimlessly?" I raised my head at the eerie sound of her voice.

I was almost surprised to hear her voice in this part of the woods, until I looked around and I realised I was no longer in the Pack land.

"Do you think I lord over this realm? There are other entities in this forest who are not welcoming to strangers. You cannot just barge in whenever you feel the need to." Her voice echoed a hiss as she spoke and I rolled my eyes, walking forward.

"I don't know how I got here. I was walking in the Packlands just a second ago, and the next I saw was this. It's not like I want to be here anyway."

"Physically perhaps not, usually strays do not just wander into these lands, they meet their end before they get this close....."

"I am not a stray." I cut her off with a grumble.

"That is beside the point, you shouldn't be able to cross the realm barrier without my song. My song is the only invitation that allows you access to these lands. If you can cross the barrier without my song, that means your soul seeks something here. The only thing inhabiting this forest is darkness." She finished.

Chills rushed down my back at the feeling of her presence, slithering round me. I stopped calling her a creature after my second time here. Still, I don't totally understand what she is.

"I do not seek darkness, my mate is here, which makes logical sense of what my soul seeks."

"But I am darkness."

"Can you just take form. Your shadow slithering around me will cause me to freeze to death at this rate. Your presence without a form makes me cold. Also, if someone stumbles upon me, they might think I am crazy, talking to myself." I demanded, rubbing my palm over the exposed part of my hand, as another cold chill traveled through my body.

"There is no one stumbling around. Your presence here is enough to prove your insanity." Her voice travelled with the wind, changing from the soft eerie sound into a deeper sound as her shadow took form.

'Our mate just called you crazy.' Fenrir pipped

'Whose fault is this? I know damn well you brought me here.'

'I didn't, you wandered here yourself. Like she said, your soul yearns for the darkness in this place, and that's not my doing.'

"I know you're not from this world. What world are you from?" Erish asked, before I could give Fenrir a response, and I looked up to see she had taken the grey-skinned creature I saw the very first time I came there.

"What makes you so sure that I am not from this world? I could be from any of the neighboring villages." I replied, and she rolled.

"There are no places called Packlands in this realm and there are no creatures that look like you here. Akeldemia doesn't have wolves or Lycans, so what world are you from?"

"This place is called Akeldemia and you don't have werewolves or Lycans?" I asked, astonished at the information she just shared.

"This place is called Forest of blood and bones. Alkedemia is the name of this realm, but your question doesn't answer my previous question." She replied smartly.

"Akeldemia is the name of this realm? How do you know that other realms exist?" I asked, walking behind her floating figure.

"I have been here since the beginning. Everything, every tree, water, flower, fruit, either good or evil in this forest was formed before my very own eyes. I have enough knowledge to know that Akeldemia can't be the only realm ". I frowned at her response. What did she mean? That she was present when creation began?

"I don't understand, you were here when creation began?" I asked, to be sure I heard right.

"No, I was here when this forest came into existence. I was there when Akeldemia became a world of its own."

"So you've been the goddess of death, ever since Akeldemia, and this forest was borne? What happened before that?" I asked as curiosity got the better of me.

"Before Akeldemia? I do not remember, I have no memory of what existed before then, what the world was like before then. I only have the memory of what happened to Akeldemia, and the other thing I remember is that I am being punished." I stopped walking abruptly at her last statement.

"Being punished for what?" I asked,

"I do not remember." She hissed, the sound of it echoing in the distance as her body changed into half a snake, and half the creature that she is.

"No need to bite my head off. I merely asked because you're my mate and I know nothing about you." I replied, raising my hands up in surrender.

'There is more to her than meets the eye.' Fenrir mumbled.

'Do you know what it is?' I asked.

'No.'

'Aren't you a demon? Shouldn't you have some sort of knowledge about this? The deal with her and why we have the goddess of death as a mate.'

'I am not an ordinary demon.' Fenrir growled angrily and I scoffed.

'There's nothing like an ordinary demon. A demon is a demon, and if you're from Hades like you claimed, you should know of her existence.'

'I am no ordinary demon, and the goddess of death that I know isn't Erish-Kigal.'

'That was helpful, thank you.' I replied with heavy sarcasm.

"You should leave."

"I just got here, and you're not making me leave."

"You have over-stayed your welcome. You need to leave with your demon." Erish hissed, and I shrugged, walked along her river to the rocks I saw the last time I stumbled into this realm, and I sat down.

"I am not leaving, and you can't force me to. Matter of fact, I am tired, and I feel extremely sleepy." I replied, stretching my body on the larger piece of rock, ignoring the fact that she was literally trying to kill me with her eyes.

I am not talkative, neither am I someone who stays in a place where I am not welcome. But for some reason, being here feels more comfortable than being home. On any other occasion, I would've turned back to leave the minute she said I wasn't welcome anymore.

Perhaps that would be the right thing to do, yet I don't want to do that.

"Running away from your family whenever you think they wronged you, won't fix anything." I heard the echo of her voice in the distance. I opened my eyes to see she was no longer standing in front of me.

"I didn't come here to get lectured. Spending time alone doesn't mean I am running away. Protect me while I sleep, though, I'm in your home." Even if I couldn't feel as presence as instense as it was, I knew she could still hear me.

"I am not your watchman." I heard a shallow hiss, and my lips stretched in a thin smile.

"No. You're my mate. Mine." I whispered the last part to myself, before giving in to the tiredness in my bones.

****~****

"You've been here for a week, your family will worry. You should go." I pulled away from the river, turning to see her in her serpent form coiled around a tree.

I am still trying to get used to the fact that she can change form at will. It's a lot to take in, and it is sometimes odd, to find her in the form of certain animals. If she is the goddess of death, why does she so easily change form? I have read of deities that represent death, and not once have I read about any of them changing form.

"I am certain they have not noticed my absence." I replied, filling the gourd she gave me my first night here with water.

"How are you so sure?"

"Because they are my family, I am nothing but a mere shadow to them. My presence is never acknowledged, nor is my absence. I could be gone for a whole year, and they'll conclude that I have been in my room all year because I don't want to talk to them."

"Is that what having a family feels like?" I could hear the curiosity in her face, and the obvious change in the sound.

Another thing I am still trying to get used to is how often her voice changes, how it sounds masculine and feminine at the same time. And most times it is just extremely scary, sometimes it sounds like a dangerous reminder of something untold.

"No, they are different to my other siblings. They treat them better. I guess it's just the way it is for me. I am the odd one out, there's always going to be that one kid, and it just so happens to be me." I replied with a shrug, bringing the gourd of water to my mouth for a drink.

"Confusing, but I think your mother would be happy to see you when she wakes up."

"Yeah whatever." I replied, walking back to the bed of leaves I make every day.

"Wait." I paused, taking a minute to process what she just said.

"My mom will be happy to see me when she wakes up. Why? Did something happen to her?" She uncoils from the tree, taking her usual form, hovering in the air as she moved to my side.

"I don't know the details, I only get the feeling. If you don't want to have regrets about this day, you should go."

"What happened to my mom? You know something. Why aren't you telling me? How do you know she'll be sleeping or will be happy to see me? What happened to her?" I almost yelled.

"Like I said, I do not know the details. Nature took something from her, and it had effects on her. I don't know what, but nature always seeks balance, and the token for the balance was taken."

My heart dropped to the pits of my stomach, the gourd slipping out of my hands, as my legs moved faster than my brain could process all that she was saying.

I know the priestess warned her about the procedures she did, she said nature would find balance. What sort of balance are they looking to make after tormenting her for almost a year now?

"Se you..." The rest of her words got lost in the winds, as I dashed out of her home.

***~***

***~***

She was right. All the way here I had hoped my mate was simply bluffing to get me to leave, but she was right. Even though I knew there was no way she thought about making up that nature-balance bullsh*t, I still wanted it to be lies. Wanted her to be proven wrong.

I got home only to be told mom had been admitted to the Pack's hospital, and I had met her unconscious when I arrived at the hospital. I wasn't sure what to feel, how to feel.

Of all things, I don't wish her death or pain. She's suffered a lot for almost a year now, which was mostly because I messed up. To see her lying unconscious on that bed, for that brief moment before she woke up, finding out she'd been admitted for two weeks, and I wasn't there.

I was away, living in my own bubble of self-loathing and guilt tripping. Even if I can't change anything that happened to her, at least I should've been there, by her side, just like how Paige, Alexius and dad were all by her side when I entered her hospital room.

Wiping the tear stains off my cheek, I turned on the tap to wash my face in the sink. Crying. I had been crying, just seeing mom in that position broke my last resolve and I didn't even realise when I started crying. I showed too much vulnerability, one I shouldn't have, and when I realised that, I bailed out of the room.

"Aloysius." Eyes peeled open at the sound of my name, staring into the mirror before me to find my twin standing behind me.

"Do you... Do you have a moment?" He asked in a stutter. I turned and contemplated sparing a moment, but from the look in his eyes, I know what this is about, and I'm not sure if I am ready to deal with this right now.

Breaking down in that room was enough emotions and vulnerability for me right now and I don't want any more of it.

"I want to apologise. I know you blame yourself for what happened, and to be sincere, a part of me used to blame you because....."

"Don't...."

"What?" Alexius asked, confused.

"Don't bother, don't give me reasons or excuses. Don't tell me why you don't blame me anymore. Whatever you say, I would only equate it to pity. Whatever you have to say now is because you pity me, or perhaps you need to say it to make yourself feel better. I don't need to hear it. I don't want to hear it. If you hate me for what I did, don't change that now. Keep hating me, I don't mind. It doesn't bother me. Prior to this, I had contemplated apologizing to you, but even if I do apologize, it changes nothing. We will never go back to the kids we once were, our relationship will never be what it was once as kids, and I am not looking to start building a new brotherly relationship with you. It is pointless. I don't need it because, in the end, I will never come first, to you, I will always be an after thought. I am always an after thought to all of you, so don't bother with the apology." Alexius gaped at me as I spoke.

"What? What are you saying? None of that is true, Aloysius, you're my twin, my....."

"Save it Alex. For the past seven years, I was nothing to you, but a member of the family that you know, that you remember when you needed something. That hasn't changed now, so save whatever you have to say. I know you're going through difficult times right now, and I'll do my best, whatever I can, to help bring back your son, but this conversation we don't need to have again."

I walked out of the restroom, leaving him standing there dumbfounded.

'Why? Why did you say all that? Why?' Indra hissed as I marched out of the hospital building.

'See I had nothing to do with that. Didn't I tell you the boy has evil inside him?' Fenrir piped in, while I tried to ignore them both but failed.

'It is pointless. Even if I listen to whatever he has to say, it changes nothing. I am always an after thought for all of them. I was in town the day mom collapsed. Throughout that week, I was close to home, and not one of them thought about calling me. Not one of them thought I deserved to know, they didn't think I was worthy of knowing that my mother was sick. Worse case scenario. If mom didn't make it, they would've also kept it from me, and waited until I came back home to her funeral.'

'They told you why they didn't call.' Indra mumbled again.

'Which is bullsh*t.'

I slammed the door to my car, snarling as I drove out of the hospital grounds.