Tell Me I'm Wrong

Chapter 5

5 Chris

We’ve all got secrets. We’ve all got things we’d rather our family and friends didn’t know. Not because we want to be duplicitous, but because we want to protect them. Protect them from harm. Protect them from the truth.

After all, everybody does it, don’t they?

The hot water beats down on my back as I scrub under my fingernails, hard. I work the shower gel into a lather and rub it over my whole body seven or eight times, just to be sure. I wash my hair so many times I think it’s going to fall out. Eventually, though, I know I’m as clean as I’m ever going to be.

I always shower in the evenings, whenever I get home from work. Or from fishing. She doesn’t need to know why I’m doing it so thoroughly this time.

Megan has her secrets, too. She doesn’t know that I know, but you don’t live with someone for that long and not work it out. I catch the odd glimpse of something in her eyes that makes me wonder. I don’t think she’s been up to anything bad. That’s not like Megan. Not the Megan I know. This is something deeper, something internal.

I had my suspicions shortly after Evie was born. All new parents are told to look out for the warning signs. It was almost textbook. The comments about being a bad mother, loss of memory, not taking care of herself as much as she used to. Megan always used to be a proud woman, but that seems to have gone out of the window. Sometimes she needs me to remind her to shower. We don’t see friends as often as we used to. And I’ve noticed that she doesn’t seem to be bonding as well with Evie as she should be.

I’ve tried bringing the subject up tactfully, but she seems to just close down and refuse to admit anything is wrong. There are times when things seem to be a bit better. c****s of light, if you will. And it’s in those moments that I hope it’s all improving, that she’s starting to realise she’s not a bad mother or a bad person and that we can start to look forward.

I don’t know if she thinks I haven’t noticed, or if she’s just ignoring it and hoping it’ll go away. Either way, it’s not helping any of us. They say you need to talk about these things, need to get them out in the open. After all, what’s the point of suffering in silence? I’ve done all I can, but this can’t be one-sided. She needs to open up and tell me what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling. Keeping it all wrapped up isn’t going to do anyone any good, least of all her.

That said, I think I’ve kept my own secrets pretty well. I know that for a fact. Megan’s not the sort of woman who’d react well if she suspected the truth. Not this sort of truth. She’s always said she’d be able to forgive most things if I was open and honest with her about them, but I’m pretty sure this doesn’t fall into the category of ‘most things’. This isn’t the sort of thing I can be open and honest about. This is the sort of thing that ruins lives.

Telling her certainly wouldn’t be a good idea. Telling anyone would be a very bad idea indeed. People always say it’s best to be honest, but that’s absolute s**t. What you don’t know can’t hurt you. The only risk is being found out further down the line, and making things worse by not being open from the start. But all that means is that I have to make sure no-one finds anything out further down the line. If they never find out, they never know I’ve been hiding anything and no-one needs to get hurt. No-one else, anyway. I need to make sure this stays as my little secret. Forever.