Memories of a Bad Boy

Third Memory

Amelia's POV

"I think I'm gonna be sick" Clayton got up and ran over to the window just in time to throw up.

My heart was racing so unbelievably fast I thought I was going to pass out.

My mother was as white as a sheet and started to hyperventilate shaking her head back and forth.

James sat there beside me. He was completely silent which was quite worrying, tears rolled down his pale cheeks.

"It can't be true" James choked out as Clayton came to sit back down again still looking a bit green.

The army officer who had been sat in my living room on my old leather couch had managed to shatter my family's life into a million pieces all over again just by saying four simple words.

Your brother was killed.

Well, he didn't actually say that though, he said Peter Messer was killed.

It wouldn't have made sense if he had just said your brother was killed because Peter wasn't just a brother, he was so much more than that.

He was a brother, a son, a friend, a cousin, an uncle, a lover, a soldier, a believer, a fighter.

He was the kind of person you couldn't help but fall in love with.

He was so kind, even to the most awful and impure of people he still always saw the best in them. He always believed that people could change for the better.

"What about" I started to say but stopped when everyone looked at me.

"Go on Miss Messer" the man encouraged.

As he looked at me I noticed he had a scar that ran down the side of his neck. It was light purple and therefore must have only been a year or so old.

I wondered how he had got it if he had had the courage at that time.

Because to be honest we can never plan ahead for these things. I always thought about what I would do if a close family member of mine died.

But now that it had actually happened I felt completely lost. I honestly did not know how to feel because losing someone close to you is unlike anything else you ever go through.

It was honestly as though my mind had been wiped completely blank of everything apart from the memories of Peter.

Wonderful childhood memories of him doing things like teaching me how to ride a bike. My parents never had the time to do things like that and Peter was always the most patient so he taught me.

When I had also thought about a person in my close family dying before I had also thought about an emptiness.

A feeling as though I had lost a piece of my soul or heart, but I didn't feel that way. I still felt whole, I still felt as though he was somehow alive.

I made fleeting eye contact with the man, and his eyes, for a brief second it felt as though I was looking into the eyes of someone else because they just so happened to be the same shade of bluey green as someone else I had lost.

But when I lost him it was different. I let Luca go.

Now, this was different for all of us, we had no choice. It had all just come in one massive tidal wave there had been no warning, no instructions, there is no way of preparing yourself on how to deal with losing a sibling.

How could it be possible that I would never be able to say goodbye to my brother?

I cleared my throat and spoke "what about missing in action, I've read about it in books before. Are you sure he's dead? What if he's just wounded somewhere?" I said.

The thought of Peter injured somewhere, cold and alone made me want to scream. It sickened me and I looked up at the officer hoping he would answer quickly so I could get the awful images out of my mind.

"I'm afraid that there is no doubt about it Miss Messer" the man said.

"What do you mean?" James asked his eyes red and puffy.

"It means," Clayton growled his voice barely audible it was so low and quiet "it means they have his body."

"Oh lord have mercy, my baby boy" my mother cried out as she burst into tears.

James moved close to her and held her in his arms rocking her back and forth as tears continued to roll down his own cheeks.

"That's not possible" I shook my head.

"I'm so sorry," the army officer said.

"It's not possible" I shook my head again.

I heard a muffled response from the army officer but it was distanced, everything was black.

The last thing I heard was James' voice "Amelia?" he cried out, "someone get Ash." He sounded as though he was twenty thousand leaks under the sea.

But I didn't want Ash, I was perfectly fine because I was suddenly transported to a different world.

A world where Peter was still alive and well, where everything was still good.

Back to when everything was so much simpler and when everyone was so much happier.

And alive.

..............F.L.A.S.H...B.A.C.K........

"I could marry watermelon, honestly I could" I said as I sat at the counter as Peter cut up a watermelon ready for us to eat for breakfast. Our last breakfast together before he would be posted out to Iraq.

"It's very yummy, but I still don't think it's legal to marry food" he said.

"Meh, that maybe true but if it wasn't and you could marry food I know exactly which food i'd marry."

"You're mad kid" he grinned.

"Shut up" I grinned, "and hurry up cutting chef, I'm starving here."

"Starving, seriously. Bit of an exaggeration don't you think?" he grinned at me making fun of my drama queen attitude.

"Again, shut up." I grinned "on a side note I think you're a bit of a watermelon P" I said as he handed me a piece.

"Oh?" he questioned with a grin, "do explain Melia?" he laughed as he bit into his own piece of watermelon.

"All hard and tuff on the outside, but still looks very fresh and appetizing. Then on the inside, it's sweet and juicy- quite the perfect way to be I think" I said as watermelon's sticky juice trickled down my face onto my lap.

"I've never been described as juicy or fresh before but if you say so" Peter laughed widely and then moved around the table to come to sit beside me "oh Melia I really am going to miss you when I go back."

"Well" I said putting my watermelon down as my lip trembled, "Don't go then!"

"Oh Melia!" Peter exclaimed pulling me close to his chest as I began to cry. He rocked me back and forth trying to sooth me.

I tried to control my breathing but I had just been holding a lot of emotions inside of me lately and I felt like a volcano that had been dormant for years erupting for the first time.

"First father left us, then Luca left me, now you're leaving me."

"Oh Amelia, baby sis" he continued to rock me back and forth, "I really wish I could stay with you and I hate to see you cry like this but I've got to go!" he exclaimed.

"But" I said my lip still trembling. I felt like a little girl again crying cause she fell of he bicycle, "but Peter, why do you have to go? It's so dangerous, you could be injured or worse!" I cried out.

"Melia, there is danger all around us, you honestly can't spend your life constantly doing a risk analysis. Sometimes you just have to do what makes your heart race, your palms sweat, your pupils dilate." he smiled at me and I nodded but tears continued to roll down my cheeks.

"Being in the army, being a soldier, it finally makes my life feel as though it has real worth and meaning and for the first time the first thing I'm judged on isn't that I'm gay."

"It's your skills as a soldier?" I said and he nodded with a small smile that spoke a million words.

"Yes, and as a soldier that includes so much more than fitness drills, extreme cleaning and running around shooting people" he said and I rolled my eyes.

"I know it's more than running around shooting people" I sniffed.

"What I mean is" he grinned as he took my hand tightly in his own large and ruff one, "it's more than just physical skills. It's about having respect, always being loyal to your country and your comrades and having courage in the face of the unknown but understanding the fact that at some points you're going to be shaking in your boots. That's what I love about being in the army, the fact that it defines me in a way I am more than proud to be defined by."

I squeezed his hand and looked up into his eyes with a weak but sincere smile. "I understand."

"I love you Amelia" he said pulling me into a tight hug.

I nodded and looked at him as he drew back, he knew that I wasn't finished.

"Peter, did I make a mistake?" I whispered.

It was the first time I had mentioned Luca since he had left and even though I didn't say his name Peter knew exactly who I was talking about.

You'd think i'd be more likely to ask Adalyn, Max, James or even Will but no it was Peter who I knew would answer this question the right way. He would tell me not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear.

"Do you still love him?" he asked.

"Of course" I said.

"Do you think you'll ever stop?" Peter asked.

"I don't know" I shook my head, although that was probably a lie. I honestly could never see myself losing my love for Luca Millar.

"Amelia, you need to get away from here. Right away, seek happiness away from this place. You need to find yourself again, without all the drama. Without him. Always remember Luca Millar doesn't define you Amelia and the reason you feel so lost right now is because you don't know what gives your life definition. And I can tell you right now what it is that defines you."

"What is it?" I said quietly.

"You, you define yourself. You have a choice now Amelia on what you do with your life, if he's the one he'll come back, but if he doesn't then that's okay because he doesn't define you, okay. You do."

"I'm going to miss you so much Peter" I hugged him close again and he smiled turning away so I couldn't see the tears that had now began to roll down his own cheeks. He got up, drank the last of his water and slung his large backpack over his shoulder.

"I'll see you soon Melia."

"See you soon P"

E.N.D...O.F...F.L.A.S.H...B.A.C.K

"Are you sure you're okay" Ash asked.

I nodded as I got into bed. Apparently I had fainted and had come back round after a few minutes of mumbling.

"Of course" I smiled weakly, "I feel much better."

"Are you sure?" he questioned and I nodded, he looked at me but I couldn't meet his eye.

"Did you decide on a date for the funeral yet?" Ash asked as he ran his fingers through his dirty blond hair.

"About a week" I said, "they just have to get his" my breath caught in the back of my throat and Ash gripped my hand but I shook my head.

"I'm a doctor, I should be able to say the word body without wanting to throw up." I said and I flopped back against the pillows.

"It's completely understandable angel, he was your brother" Ash said, "you should get some sleep" he said.

I nodded and rolled over so I wasn't facing him. I couldn't even bare to look at him.

I couldn't believe he had just said that. Peter was your brother.

Was Peter now just past tense, was he too now just like my father, Luca and Nora out of the picture.

I also couldn't get the last word Peter had spoken to me out of my head. Had I found what had defined me?

Yes, I suppose I had in a sense. Medicine sort of defined me, I loved studying medicine and in two years or so i'd be fully qualified. But was sort of good enough?

Luca, he was also on my mind again. He had been on my mind way too much lately, but I couldn't help it. Once I started to think of him all the memories came rushing back.

The early morning snuggles, midnight talks in the midst of howling storms, the glorious way he made me feel when his lips were on mine, laughing together, crying together, and most of all falling in love with him.

Ash kissed me on the forehead and pulled me close. It just made me feel even more guilty because he had been so loving and supportive when he had found out what happened.

I felt so guilty, because as I lay in bed in the arms of my loving boyfriend I was thinking about another man.