Everything I Need

It’s her own fault, really.   They sent her the reminder emails and all her friends told her that she had to hurry but, for some reason, she thought she’d be okay.   But here she is, on the first day of semester, not entirely sure where the hell she’ll be living for the next year. And maybe she should have checked her school emails or something, but she didn’t really want to do that between her odd jobs here and there and her summer of road trips and couch surfing. She’s still not entirely sure she’s even brought her laptop back with her, but that’s what her savings are for.   “Sunny!” A familiar voice calls and before she can turn around, she’s stumbling forward as Sana climbs on her back over her huge backpack. She laughs in Shela’s ear and Shela somehow manages to shrug her off and turn around to hug her. “Where the f**k have you been? We woke up in Seoul that morning and you’d gone!”   Shela smirks and shrugs her shoulders coyly. The morning in question was over two months ago, during the long weekend they were supposed raising hell in the Big Easy. They’d met there about a week or so after last semester finished with plans to get incredibly drunk and have careless fun. There had been about a dozen of them but, on their last morning, Shela had found alternative plans to heading home to Busan.   She’d spent the next few weeks working at a bar in Sokcho.   “You’re f*****g unbelievable,” Sana states but she’s grinning like she expects no less. Shela smiles back innocently, knowing exactly what kind of s**t her best friend thinks she got up to.   It’s probably not the scrubbing floors and sketching pictures of boats that Shela actually spent her time doing. Sana probably thinks that she was sleeping in the bed of some beautiful god or goddess when really she was sleeping in a cot in the mudroom of some old lady’s house. From Sokcho she’d followed an offer to work for a weeklong barbeque competition in Gangnam. After that, she’d managed to wangle a couple of weeks work in Jindo. She’d bypassed all major cities and traversed the coast, working here and sleeping there, to end her summer in Jeju Island before coming back to school.   “Which residence hall did you get matched to?” Sana asks and Shela groans, rolling her eyes and shrugging off her backpack.   She drops down onto a nearby wall. “I have no idea,” she admits. “I left it to the last minute so I’ve got to head over to the residency director’s office to find out.”   Sana gives her a knowing, disappointed look. “Shela, we told you—”   “I know, I know,” Shela grumbles, picking up her bags again and hoisting them onto her back. “Don’t bother. I f****d up and I’ll figure it out.” Sana gives her a disbelieving look. Shela kisses her cheek before wandering away.   //   “You got everything?”   Charlotte looks around the room and finds the usual three duffle bags and backpack she takes everywhere. They’re sat beside her box of school books and stationery, and she gives Jackie a look before the older girl snorts and rolls her eyes.   “Right, of course,” she says as she slips her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. She gives Charlotte the same look she always does but doesn’t say anything. “Did you want me to help stay and unpack?”   Charlotte shakes her head. “No, I’m good.” Jackie gives her another knowing look but she quickly ignores it. “Thanks for letting me crash this summer.”   Jackie laughs at that and pulls Charlotte into an uncomfortable hug. “No problem, kid,” she says to Charlotte’s frown. “Anytime. You know that.”   Charlotte nods and she’s grateful. She’s grateful but she’d never say it out loud. That would be weird.   “I better hit the road,” Jackie says when she pulls back. “You’ll call?”   Charlotte nods. “I’ll call.”   Jackie gives her another shorter hug. “You better.”   Charlotte watches her leave, follows her all the way back to her car through the window, before she starts opening up her bags and dragging everything out. She decides on the smaller bed set-up in the corner, behind the door and closer to the window. She makes her bed and tries to ignore the hustle and screaming of friends reacquainting with each other in the hallway. It should probably worry her that she doesn’t have a roommate yet but she doesn’t care. She could probably live with anyone at this point. She’s almost completely unpacked and organizing her books on her shelf when she hears a ruckus outside. She hears shrill excitement and a familiar voice. It sets her on edge because please, please, please, please…   She glares up at the ceiling when a familiar figure fills her doorway.   “This is me. I—” the voice laughs and then abruptly stops. “Oh… Charlotte. Hi.”   Charlotte looks up from her kneeled position on the floor and tries to be as polite as possible. “Hi, Shela.”   Shela looks around them to the empty side of the room and then to the number on the door before turning her attention back to Charlotte. She has that same disappointed look that Charlotte witnessed during their first ever conversation almost a year ago to the day. She looks like she wants to run in the other direction. Charlotte tries not to let the ache of hurt fill her gut.   “Looks like we’re roomies,” Shela comments as she finally steps over the threshold. She drops her huge backpack onto the bed and sighs before looking around the room. Charlotte gives her a polite smile when her eyes land back on her. “Awesome.”   //   “Charlotte Kavell is your roommate?” Harper repeats before promptly lapsing into loud belly laughs. She rolls around on her bed as Shela and Sana sit on the bed opposite her.   Sana pats her knee. “We did warn you…” she starts before Shela gives her a look. Sana winces sympathetically. “What did the residency people say?”   Shela huffs and falls backwards onto her bed. She lets her hands cover her forehead and shakes her head. “That I was lucky enough to get a bed at all.”   Sana’s brow raises at her words and Harper’s laughter just gets louder.   “Bummer,” Sana mutters.   It doesn’t make Shela feel any better and she’s glad when Sana reaches for the emergency flask she keeps nearby at all times. It’s full of vodka and Shela grimaces happily as she takes a long chug out of it.   “Please tell me there’s a party,” Shela gripes as she feels the burn the whole way down.   Both of her best friends grin. They’re pretty buzzed by the time that they make it down to the school welcome bonfire later that night. Everyone is there and they all greet Shela happily. She spends most of her time hugging everyone and asking them how their summers were and Sana rolls her eyes when she finally takes a seat beside her on the wall.   They’re only here because it’s tradition. Everyone is here. Everyone always comes to the first bonfire of the semester because it’s pretty much a requirement. Even Charlotte is here and Shela is pretty sure it’s only because she has to be. It’s not like she’s talking to anyone. She’s sitting on a wall on the edge of the festivities, wrapped in a huge cardigan with a book in her lap.   Shela wishes she could be surprised but Charlotte’s pretty hardcore about this studying stuff. Everyone knows her mantra is that she’s only here to study. She’s always first to class. She’s never been to a real party. She’s never made her way over to one of the bigger, nearby colleges to go to the frat parties. A lot of the girls go because it’s the only way to hook up with guys when you go to an all girls’ college, but not Charlotte. Shela’s heard rumors that Charlotte’s into girls but those sorts of rumors go around here about a lot of people. Charlotte has a reputation and Shela isn’t sure if she’ll survive this year because of it.   “How long do we have to stay here?” Shela grumbles as she grabs the flask from Harper.   Her best friends grin at her. “We’ve got to get to Scarlett’s by ten.”   “And what time is it now?”   Harper takes the flask from her and chuckles. “Seven.”   Shela drains half the flask and grits her teeth.   “f**k my life.”   //   When it gets to midnight and Shela hasn’t come back to their room, Charlotte begins to wonder if the sheer idea of living in the same room as her has forced Shela to take to the streets. She knows it’s silly because Shela’s things are still here and she saw her disappear through the woods with Bang Sana and Harper Eela after the bonfire.   She knows Shela’s reputation. They call her Party Girl Sunny. She’s a keg stand champion. Rumors follow her wherever she goes. Charlotte’s pretty sure that she knew everything there was to know about Shela before that one and only time Shela sat beside her in class.   That one time had been enough for both of them.   She doesn’t know why all of this is bothering her so much.   She hates not being able to sleep.   She should be used to this by now.   She watches the numbers on her alarm clock flash until it’s almost four in the morning and jumps a little when she hears a hustle behind her door.   “She’s got to be asleep by now,” a voice says and Charlotte can just about tell that it’s Harper. Someone shushes her quietly and Harper just starts giggling until something muffles it.   Charlotte rolls over to face the wall and closes her eyes to stave off the hurt. She tries to ignore how she can hear Sana asking Shela over and over again if she’s sure she doesn’t want to stay in their room with them.   “I’ll be okay,” Shela promises. Her voice slurs and there are a few moments of hushed whispers before it goes quiet. Charlotte hears the click of their door finally opening and clenches her eyes closed when Shela clumsily stumbles through the door. “s**t,” she whispers when she steadies herself. The room instantly smells of cigarettes, alcohol and maybe of s*x. “Fuck.”   The door closes and Charlotte 's sure Shela is trying to be quiet as she fails miserably. She stumbles around the room and Charlotte hears the drop of her shoes by her desk, the slump of her jacket as it hits the floor. Shela hums as she falls to sit on the end of her bed and Charlotte listens to the sounds of drawers opening while Shela tries to find something to sleep in. The clothes on her body drop to the floor like her jacket and shoes. Charlotte stays still as the shadows of Shela’s body flutter against the walls. Charlotte bites the inside of her cheek when Shela stumbles over one of her still unpacked bags on the floor before she hears the zipper on it open a few moments later. Shela rifles around inside it for something until the light from their Jack and Jill bathroom floods the room. Shela hisses in shock and closes it quickly behind her.   Charlotte rolls onto her back and lets her hand rest against her forehead for a second. She has every intention of rolling back over and pretending to be asleep but she never gets to because the door opens sooner than expected. Shela freezes when she catches sight of her.   There’s a toothbrush hanging out of her mouth and some toothpaste in the corner of her lips. She looks guilty and uncomfortable and Charlotte just blinks up at her because she doesn’t have the energy for this.   “I didn’t wake you up, did I?” Shela whispers and her voice slurs just a little.   Charlotte shakes her head and keeps staring up at her.   “You sure?” she checks.   This is probably the nicest conversation they’ve shared in their entire history.   Charlotte nods and clears her throat softly. It’s still croaky when she speaks. “Can’t sleep.”   Shela moves to sit at the end of her bed again and slips her toothbrush and paste back into a wash bag resting there. She places it on top of her empty bookshelf and looks around their room. Charlotte watches her carefully.   “I, um, I have Sana’s flask if you think booze will help,” Shela says turning back to her suddenly, eyes bright and sincere. “Something to take the edge off?”   Charlotte smiles sleepily and gratefully. “I don’t really drink alcohol.”   Shela gives her a look but then nods slowly. “Of course,” she says and it’s not unkind. There’s maybe even a tiny hint of a blush on her cheeks. “That makes sense to why you never go to parties. They must be really boring without booze.”   Charlotte doesn’t say anything. Shela’s not wrong but she’s also not right either. Charlotte just never got into that. People like her grew up knowing which things to be wary of.   Shela points a thumb back to their door. “I could go make you some tea or something.”   The kindness makes Charlotte feel weird. It catches her completely off guard. The fact that Shela Sunny just offered to make her tea doesn’t feel right. She swallows carefully before responding. “I’m fine, thanks.”   Shela nods her head like that makes sense too. She watches Charlotte for a few moments with slowly blinking eyes.   “I’m gonna go to sleep,” she says eventually as she falls sideways onto her pillow. There’s a blanket folded at the end of her bed and she pulls it up under her chin. It doesn’t even really cover her body. “Night, Charlotte.”   Charlotte watches as her eyes close and her breathing instantly evens out. Her wavy blonde hair falls in her eyes and her cheeks are pale at the same time they’re flushed pink from the remnants of alcohol. The room now smells less like alcohol and more like soap and mint toothpaste. Shela’s lips purse cutely in sleep and Charlotte swallows, taking the sight of her in.   It takes her a long time to realize that she’s staring. When she does, she jumps and rolls back over to face the wall.   She doesn’t fall asleep until the sun comes up.