Roses and Flames

Chapter 8

He ought to have known better. Before coming, Patrick had steeled himself against temptation with prayer. His plan had been to resist all contact with her. Just moments before, he had assured her father that he would be gone. And yet, at the first touch of her hand, he had forgotten it all and followed her through the house like a puppy on a lead.

Now he sat her side on a little stone bench under the elm as she experimented with her new toy. It was just like hundreds of other happy afternoons spent here and it reminded him of how much he missed home, and how much a part of that home she was.

Ambrosia held the spyglass firmly pointed into the nearest tree.” There is a nest. And I can see young ones all open mouthed and waiting to be fed. Oh Pat it is wonderful.”

It was indeed. He could see the flush of pleasure on his cheeks and the way it curved down into the familiar dimple of her smile. So excited over such a small thing as the nest of birds. But had she always been just so? Joy personified and a tonic to the weary soul.

“You can adjust it, just by turning here.”

He reached out for a moment, his hand covering hers. The shock of connection was as strong as ever. It made him wonder----did she still feel it as well? If so, she was good at dissembling as he, for she gave him no response.

“That is ever so much better. I can make out the individual feathers.” She looked away from the birds, smiling at him, full of mischief. “I clearly made the best bargain out of your empty pockets today, Sir.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“If you had reached in and pulled out a snuff box, I would have a hard time developing the habit of taking it. But a telescope is very much to my liking.”

“Was it so obvious that I did not bring you anything at all?” he asked with a sigh.

“The look of alarm on your face was profound,” she admitted and snapped the little cylinder shut to put it back into its case. “But do not think that you can get this away from me by distracting me with a necklace. It is mine now and I shan’t return it.”

“Nor would I expect you to.” He smiled back at her and felt the easy familiarity washing over him in a comfortable silence. With six years, thousands of miles travelled and both of them grown, none of the important things had changed between them. She was still his soul’s mate. At least he could claim it was more than just lust that he felt for her.

She broke the silence.” Tell me about your travels.”

“There is not enough time to tell you about all the things that I have seen,” he said. But now that she had asked, the temptation to try was great and the words rushed out of him.” Birds and plants are nothing like that you are going to find in England. And the look of the ocean, wild or becalmed, or the sky before the storm, or sky when there is no land in sight? The best word that I can find for it is majesty, or regal. Sea and heaven stretching as far as the eye can see in all the directions and us just a spot in the middle.”

“I should very much like to see that,” she said wistfully.

He imagined her, at his side, lying on the deck to look at the stars. And then he put that dream carefully away. “ Wonderful though sometimes were, I would not have wished them on you if it meant that you would see the rest. A ship of a line is no place for a woman.”

“Was naval life really that harsh?”

“During battle, there was much for me to do,” he admitted evasively, not wanting to share the worst of it.

“But you helped the men,” she said, Ambrosia’s face shining when she said them, as though there was something heroic about simply doing his job. “And that was he always wanted to do. I am sure that it was the most gratifying.”

“True,” Patrick agreed. He had indeed felt most useful. And it had been a relief to find a place where he seemed to fit, after so much doubt.

“If it made you happy, then I should have liked to see that as well,” she said firmly.

“Most certainly not!” He did not want to think of her, mixed in with the blood or death. Nor did he want to lose her admiration, when she saw him helpless in the face of the things which had no cure.

She gave him a pained look.” Have you forgotten so much? Was it not I who had encouraged you in your medical studies? I watched you tend to every injured animal you found and dissect the failures. I swear, you did not as so much eat in those days as study the anatomy of chops.”

“I could have easily become a butcher for all I learned there,” he admitted.” But working over a person is quite a different thing. Sometimes…..it was its own form of butchery.”

“You learned human anatomy in Edinburgh,” she said,” Through dissection.”

He suppressed his smile and nodded. Ambrose was as fearless as she always had been, and no less grisly, despite her refined appearance.

“You did many other things as well, I am sure.”

“I observed,” he corrected.” It was not until after I left school that I could put the skills that I had learnt to use. Now I am thinking of returning to Scotland,” he said, to remind them both that he could not stay.” I still have many friends at the university. I might lecture.”

She shook her head decisively,” That is too far away.”

That was why he had suggested it in the first place. She was climbing his sleeve again, as though she could not bear to have him taken from her. He considered detaching her fingers, but it was so very near to having her touch his hand, so he left them remain as they were.” You will be far too busy with your own life to waste time upon me. I doubt that you will miss me at all.”

“You know that it is not true. Did I not write you often in the last years? Nearly every week, yet you never answered.” Her voice grew quiet. And Patrick could literally feel the hurt and pain that he had caused her in doing so.

“Probably because I did not receive your letters,” he said as though it had not mattered to him.” The mail is a precarious thing, when one is at the sea.” He had received it often enough. And he had cherished it. In the years they had been apart, her correspondence had grown from a neat little ribbon bound stack to a small chest packed tightly with well thumbed missives, so familiar to him that he could recite their contents from memory.

“You had no such excuse at the university,” she reminded him.” I wrote then as well. But you did not answer those letters, either. It rather appeared to me that you had forgotten me.”

“Never,” Patrick said fervently. That, at least was the truth.

“Well, I will not allow it to happen once again. Edinburgh is too far. One must stay close. And if you must teach, then teach me.”

He laughed to cover the shock. It was not possible for so many reasons. While he was totally not unwilling to share the information. He did not dare. She was a grown woman and not the curious girl. Discussing the intimate details of the human body would be difficult with any female. But with Ambrosia, it would be impossible.

And if she was to marry, their circles would be so different that even a casual conversation would be infrequent. Next to a duke, he would be little better than a tradesman.

“You know that it is not proper,” he said at last. Then he continued,” Your father would not allow it. Nor would your husband.” They both must remember that there was at least one man standing between them.

And even more than that.

He was forgetting himself again---- and also forgetting the reason that he had to stay away. They could not be friends anymore than they could be lovers. He had spent years away from her, known other women and prayed for a return to common sense. Nothing had dulled his feelings for her. The desire was just as strong and the almost palpable need to rush to her, catch her in his arms and hold her until the world steadied again. If she married, it would be no different. He would still want her. He would simply add the sin of a******y to an already formidable list.

He patted her hand in a way that showed proper brotherly affection.” No Ambrose, I cannot allow you to spin on wild plans, as you did when we were children. I must go back to my life and you need to go back to yours.”

“But you are staying in London for a time, aren’t you?” she said, looking up at him with the bluest of eyes, full of melting with hope.

“I had not planned to.” Why could he not manage a firmer tone? He made it seem like he was open for persuasion.

“You must stay till the engagement ball. And the ceremony.”

As if that would not be the most exquisite torture.” I don’t know if that is possible.”

Her hand twisted, so that her fingers tightened on his.” I will not allow you to go. Even if I must restrain you by force.” She should know that she did not have enough strength to do so. But she had tried it often enough, when they were young, tackling him and wrestling him to the ground in the most unladylike fashion. The idea that she might attempt it again sounded like an alarm bell in his mind.

“Very well,” he said with a sigh, if only to make her release his hand.” But I expect I will leave soon afterwards. Perhaps, instead of Scotland, I shall return to sea.”

“You mustn’t,” she said, gripping him even more tightly before remembering herself and relaxing her hold.” It takes you far too away from me for far too long. And although you did not speak of it, I am sure that it must have been very dangerous. I would not have you put yourself at risk again.”

It was really quite dangerous. He was sure that he could tell her stories for hours which would hold her in awe. I stead, he said,” Not really. It was a job. Nothing more than that. Unlike the Duke, I must have employment if I am to live.”

The words made him sound petulant. He should be envious of a man that had been born to a rank he could never achieve.

She ignored the censure of the duke, which had been childish of him.” You must practice on land. I will speak to father about it. Or the Duke of Mayburry.”

“Certainly not! I am quite capable of finding my own position, thank you.” In any other life, an offer of patronage from a future duchess would have been just the thing he needed. But not this woman. Never her.

“You value our independence more than our friendship,” she said, and then she released his hand.” Very well then. If there is nothing that I can say that will change your mind, I will bother you no further on the subject of your career.”

There was one thing, of course. Three words from her would have him on his knees ready to do anything that she might ask but since those were the three words which neither of them would utter he must go to Edinburgh or the ends of earth so that Patrick might never hear them.