The Soulless

Chapter Five. Theresa's life

Theresa’s life, my life, Theresa’s life. Sometimes I wondered if I might have had a personality disorder. I had put such a clear line between my non-existent past and the present that it made me think where exactly did I belong in this vortex of conflicts. On one side I had already decided I wouldn’t go desperately searching for answers, but on the other, I just didn’t know if it was a mistake not to tell the kid who I was. But… it was too late now and I had to learn to live with my choice.

A few days after our encounter, I entered Abbie’s kitchen for breakfast, believing myself full of hopes and ideas.

“I think I should get a job,” I told Jonathan and Abbie while I poured myself the first of many cups of coffee for the day.

“Are you sure it is a good idea?” Jonathan asked raising his eyes from his paper.

I smiled sitting on the chair next to him. “Completely. I took more than enough time doing nothing at all. I think it is about right I learned how to take care of myself on my own.”

“Wait, you are not saying you want to go, are you?” Abbie asked, worry suddenly taking over her usually relaxed features.

“No, of course not. Well, at least for now. As long as it is not a burden to you too… I just… I don’t think someone my age should just stay at home wasting time.”

“I think it is the right decision,” Jonathan said folding his paper aside. “It is good to have independence.”

“Right?” I almost jumped with excitement, more than pleased with his validation. I didn’t have a father, at least not one that I remembered, but if my dad did exist, I hoped he was like Jonathan.

“Just don’t forget about your past.” He added, killing my excitement in an instant.

“I think to leave that to fate. If I could, I would remember, just… I won’t try and force it.”

Abbie raised from her chair and got closer to me. “Dear, please don’t stop looking. Think about the people out there who are missing you and hope you came back home. You can’t leave them like that.”

Did I imagine it or was she speaking about somebody else and not me? And why did Jonathan suddenly got so worried out of nowhere, digging in his cold eggs as the world depended on them? Recently I got to the realization that both of them, mainly Abbie, when they were about to mention something, but suddenly stopped as if they remembered mid-sentence they shouldn’t speak. It was like someone in the family was diseased and they still hadn’t processed the loss. And what was it that Carl mentioned some weeks back – something about Jonathan wanting all his children to look like him.

“I promise.” I blurted out in a desperate attempt to shift the mood. Whatever their secret, it was not my place to poke around it. “I never said I would stop looking. It’s just… I just won’t make it my life goal or I feel I will go crazy at the end. I guess two months were more than enough.”

Abbie gave me a thanking look, glad to change the subject, while her husband sank even deeper in his chair as if he was trying to become invisible. “So, speaking of work, do you have something in mind?”

I blinked stupidly, realizing I had no idea. How f****d up was that? I didn’t even know what I wanted to do in short terms with my life, let alone have any idea of the grand picture. No, it could not go on like this, I needed to figure out my s**t before I turned into one of those people who just stood in one place and letting life pass around them. “Not for now. But if you know someone in town looking for batshit crazy employees, send a word for me.”

“Talk about crazy… I think Tracy’s diner is looking for personnel after Jody got busted for smoking on the job.” Abbie said, a faint trail of sadness still lingering in her voice. “I can give her a call, but you can check with Carl too, he goes to town more often than me. If you don’t mind these types of jobs of course.”

“Are you kidding?” I squeaked with excitement, actually caught up on the idea to be out and about in the real world. “It’s not like I am good for much else right now.”

For the rest of our time at the breakfast table, I just stood there asking questions and talking whatever came to my mind just to fill the awkward silences that threatened to stretch between Abbie and Jonathan, not sure how exactly to excuse myself and go hide in my room without it being obvious. At some time, I had agreed to go to town with Abbie, anyway, I didn’t have much to do at home plus she needed help with some of her groceries. We were just planning our day out, when Jonathan finally stood up from his chair, heading towards the field to look upon the sunflower crops. “See you at dinner, kiddo.” He said and left, shutting loudly the door behind him.

When we were finally alone, Abbie sobbed violently. “I am so sorry,” She said through her tears, her eyes red and swollen. She quickly dried the tears with a napkin, then jumped to her feet and started tidying the table as if her life depended on it, avoiding even to look at me.

I followed her and took my plate still almost full from her hands. “Hey, hey, Abbie, we are not done yet,” I said with my softest voice.

She only looked at me and burst out in tears again.

“Damn it! Damn it! What is wrong with me? I am so sorry, dear.” She blurted through her tears, her voice weak and distorted, her whole body trembling with the sobs.

I jumped to my feet and took her in a tight, soothing hug, promising it would all be alright. I had no idea what would be, but somehow knew she needed to hear it. Instead, she only cried louder, hugging me back, clinging to me as if she let go, her whole world would break to pieces. “Please, Terry, promise me you won’t go as he did. Even when you remember your past and your real family, you can’t disappear.”

“Of course, I would never do such a thing. I feel like you are my family now.” s**t, I didn’t mean to say it. The poor pathetic girl who called the first people who took her into a family. But it was how I felt about them Blackthorn people and I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was a good thing my confession didn’t put Abbie away, but actually soothed her and she seemed to relax a little, the tension in her stance loosing up. “Now, go get dressed up, and let’s go spend some money.”

Two hours later we were downtown, or whatever it was called the main street of the town of Auguste, situated in the state of Nowhere. We bought all the things on Abbie’s list and then went to the diner for ice cream and cokes. It turned out they did look for a waitress and when it was clear I was friend with the Blackthorns, they hired me on the spot, no questions asked. I was more than happy, feeling it as the start to my new life, no matter how small it could be in the eyes of some people, but the whole time I felt Abbie being absent, and it didn’t sit well with me.

“I am so sorry to burden you with my troubles.” She told me when we were leaving the diner. “Thank you for being here and for not asking about Mark.”

Mark then. I would remember that name. Who the hell was this guy and what had happened between him and the Blackthorns to make all of them so upset? Carl once mentioned a brother – was that it? Was it possible for this Mark to be some sort of a wayward son of the Blackthorns? Well, an absent son would at least explain the weird furniture and books in my room, all dark and gloomy and all half-ass mentions of him. The whole time he felt like a ghost, tormenting the family, the shadow of his existence cast upon them even on their brightest days. Whatever his deal was, I shouldn’t want any part in it, especially with all my troubles. But just the thought of this… this stranger making my friends unhappy made my blood boil. I couldn’t tell Abbie that though, so I smiled mildly and gave her a reassuring nod. “It is none of my business. But if you need someone to talk to about it, I will always be there for you.”

She did try to smile and carry on with a casual conversation, but she was distracted the whole time as if her mind was miles away from her. Whatever had happened, it had shaken her badly. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about what happened to me back in the desert when the memory of Adan came back, how it nearly broke me right then and there. Maybe it was what happened when one avoided their feelings and sorrows for too long – they didn’t just go away, but only grew and grew inside until only a word, a glimpse made them burst open and shatter all your defensive walls. I knew Abbie would build her walls again, the way I had built mine again, but to her, it would probably take longer.

Poor Abbie.