The Soulless

Chapter Three. Beasts

I was back in the hospital the moment I stepped outside of it. Away from the sun, my eyes quickly got better, but it didn’t save me the mandatory medical check. I still trembled when the doctors informed me that everything was fine with my body and the current episode was due to my long stay indoors. It didn’t sound right, but I had no will to argue. They gave me some pills and eye drops and a pair of large black sun glances, instructing me to wear them anywhere I went outside in the next month or so.         

This is how I stepped into the world for the first time in my new life – embarrassed and hidden behind huge ugly shades.

While we crossed the parking lot and stepped inside Mr Blackthorn’s truck, I couldn’t stop looking around guiltily. Mr Blackthorn smiled politely and with encouragement. “All beginnings are tough. It’s a good thing it didn’t turn out to be something more serious.” I didn’t reply, only smiled with embarrassment, because what could I say anyway?

We arrived at the small town of Auguste almost an hour later, following the main road. I just stood quiet for most of the ride, swallowing the view with hungry eyes. It was, by the lack of any other way to put it, my first going near nature and I craved for all the information this experience would bring me. For example the fresh air – it felt like I had spent too much time indoors and now my lungs thrived; or the small breeze that blew softly in my ponytail, making it even messier than it already was. I enjoyed the harsh sun even through my dark glasses, as I watched the light dancing on the green leaves of the trees that surrounded us. Next to me, Mr Blackthorn drove in silence, realizing somehow that I needed this time for myself.

When we reached his property I gasped with surprise. On both sides of the road, huge sunflowers took every inch of the ground and they were as far as my eyes could reach. In the middle of the field – a big white house shimmered under the sunlight. A woman stood there at the door and waved a welcome at us when she saw the truck approaching. Her blond hair and soft blue eyes matched her pale complexion. She waited for us to get off the vehicle, then crossed the distance between us, giving Mr Blackthorn a soft kiss on the lips. Abbie then, his wife.

I jumped off the truck and waited there not sure what to do or say. Thankfully, Abbie saved me from the weird situation. “Welcome home, Terry. It is so nice to finally meet you.”

Terry? I liked the sound of it. I felt my smile growing bigger when I accepted her stretched hand and shook it with a greeting.

While Abbie took me around the house, showing me what was where I realized two things. First, I did like the idea to stay with them and feel a part of their home, and second, I would do my best to repay them for their kindness.

They gave me a small room on the second floor, which according to them wasn’t used in years. Who lived there before that they decided not to share and I didn’t press.

“You can do as you please with the books,” Abbie told me, noticing my lingering stare on the shelves upon shelves with old tomes, heavy stuff with darker titles the most of them. “Here no one reads things like that. Jonathan wanted to keep them, but I don’t think they belong here anymore.” Whatever hid behind her words seemed like something she didn’t want to speak of anymore, and I decided I shouldn’t press further querying about old pains and sorrows I had no place to stick my nose into.

My first day in the normal world went surprisingly good – calm and with no strong emotions, just the way I preferred it. Abbie was telling me stories about how she met her husband, about their family and friends. And Carl, so many things about her son Carl that at the end of the day I felt like I knew him. When he finally came back home, I greeted him as if we were old friends.

It turned out Carl was exactly as his parents described him – a bit shy and with the biggest heart one could have. He didn’t hold any of his father’s features, on the contrary, he was the spitting image of his mother – tall, blond, blue-eyed. He had a strong frame and gentle nature, like the main character in a romance novel. We seemed at the same age and it somehow made us bond over it. He promised to take me back to town to get some, as he called them “girly”, stuff and check out the local police reports again. He even proposed to take me to the place where he and his dad had found me and I eagerly agreed.

Two days later we were on the road to the wilderness near the ranch. It took us not more than two hours west to a place with a name I couldn’t remember. It was a place Carl and Jonathan visited a lot for camping and hunting.

“You are quite close, you and your father,” I noted just to say something after he shared some of their stories.

“Yeah… as long as I remember, we have always been on the same page. We don’t look alike on the outside, but inside… for him I was always the dream son.” Somehow his words didn’t sound as proud as they were supposed to.

“You say as if it is a bad thing.”

He went silent for a brief moment. “It’s just that… he wants everybody to be like me, and that… let’s say it is not always possible, or right. People are different, you know. Two brothers can’t be the same, no matter how much he wants it. Not that I ever minded being Dad’s favourite. Hey, we are here.”

He killed the engine and showed me somewhere in front of us, somewhat relieved this part of our conversation was over. Soon enough I was distracted enough not to ask him what he meant.

This? My mind screamed, I was not able to believe my eyes. In front of me, there was a whole lot of nothingness, a deserted land covered with dirt and small bushes here and there. Nothing else.

 I had expected something… grander than this. I had believed that a place where one forgets their entire life would look a bit more epic, special, even though I had no particular idea what this special place would look like. I believed I was special and the reality hit stung.

I went out of the truck, staring at the endless desert in front of me. Rough plains covered with dry dirt and dead grass, rocks and all too much of the same grey and brown and white. Land so scorched by the sun, so unimpressive, it seemed almost unreal.

I wanted to cry, I felt my throat tighten… and suddenly I was in a completely different moment in time. The memory was… extremely vivid, like what I was seeing now was the reality, and reality itself was the dream.

I stood at the same place, but it was nighttime. I could see the starlit sky and the moon shone above me, casting its vague light as a silver veil on everything around me. I wasn’t alone. He was there – always him – but this time I wasn’t happy. I felt incredible sadness in my heart. As if I knew something bad was about to happen and I was powerless to stop it.

He reached towards me and softly touched my face with his long fingers, tracing a single tear down my cheek. A caress that didn’t come out of love, but out of regret, and it squeezed my heart even more realizing how far we had gone apart from each other.

 I slowly raised my gaze towards him – I couldn’t see his face, even though we were inches apart, but I knew his eyes were filled with my tears. I wanted to soothe him, my soul was torn apart because of his sadness.

I tried to wipe his tears instead. Adan… in the middle of the sea of sorrow that drowned me at every step, Adan always remained the beginning and the end of all my joy and sadness. Even now, this moment meant to break us apart forever. My home, my friend, my love, my life… My life.

“Stop me…” He whispered and took my hands in his to kiss them. The desperation in his voice flew in the air around us like a sigh, dancing with the wind. Why couldn’t I see him? Like a smoke curtain separated us, not allowing me to see him. Still, while we were together even the mist underneath a thousand strange suns could not harm us.

Never, except for tonight.

“Please, Theresa, give me a reason to save you.”

My voice drowned in the new tears that run down my face. “Do what you have to,” I whispered through a tight throat, resolve in my heart and mind. “It is too late to go back to the pack now, not after everything I know. I can’t, I won’t.”

Hopelessness, pain, reconciliation, determination, love – all those feelings overflew the current me at this moment the memory stroke me. I felt like I was suffocating. I screamed and fell to the ground. Somewhere behind me, I heard Carl calling my name. A moment later he was next to me, supporting me to lean on him before I fell again.

I clung onto him, trembling like a leaf, unable to breathe, to think, lost to reality. In my short few days of life, I had never felt such strong emotions and now I didn’t know how to deal with them. Tears, real tears, run down my face, my glasses fell on the ground and the harsh sunbeams bit my irises again. I screamed again and buried my face in Carl’s chest in a desperate attempt to escape the pain. “It’s alright” he whispered in my ears, but his words didn’t reach me.

I was numb and couldn’t realize anything beyond the desperation of that memory. I had never expected my first touch to my past to be so cruel. It didn’t tell me anything, in particular, it only screamed more questions and feelings I couldn’t understand. It was like a scene from a movie I was caught in the middle – it did reveal something, but the lack of context made it worthless. One thing however I knew for sure. Whatever it was that happened to me here, it had nothing to do with the wild beasts. The beast was Adan. The same Adan I couldn’t remember, but whom I loved as strongly as always.