Song of Torment

Broken Vow   I’m still processing that this is really happening when he turned to face me and look at Ethan who is just standing beside us. Ethan hand him a small box which has two rings inside it.   “Matthew,” I called him and he just looked at me and smiled.   “You’ve always amazed me and make me fall in love to you over and over again. And after all the things we’ve been through, I still love you more than before. I know that your brother’s approval means so much to you but I really wanted to marry you. To be with you forever.”   He chuckled and shook his head. “Your brother will surely not hold back anymore. He will kill me for real after this.”   I looked down and held his hand.   "I've always wanted to have the love that my parents have for each other. So I always ask myself, when will I meet the Crystallyn Jane of my life? I want to meet someone who will look at me just like how my mother looks at my father. And then I met you.   I was at my worst when I first met you. I could even remember the horror in your face when you saw the cuts and wounds all over my body. We're in bad terms. You hated me as much as I hated you but eventually, I fell in love with you. The moment you walk inside this church a year ago on your brother's wedding, I said to my self, 'This girl will be the same girl I'll be waiting at the end of the altar on my wedding day.'   I realized, I don't need to have my very own Crystallyn Jane. My mother was enough for me. What I needed is a Cassidy Reigan to love me the way I am. I love you, Rei."   He wipes my tears as I mouthed him 'I love you, too'. Then he continued.   "You once told me that you want someone who will be with you when you reached your dreams. And even though I don't belong in those dreams, I wanted to be that someone, I wanted to be that man who will walk beside you as you reach those dreams.   You're my life, my home. I vowed to give you my heart, body and soul. And this is me, Matthew Aris Guevarra, saying I'll be yours forever, saying 'I do' in front of God 'till death do us part."   I cried even harder when he put the ring in my finger.   It was the happiest memory I have with him. We secretly got married that day without telling my brother. After registering our marriage, we went to my brother’s house to tell him that we just got married.   Of course he got mad and Matthew didn’t fight him back when he punch him. Good thing my sister in law was there to stop his husband from killing my husband. Matt asked for my brother’s forgiveness for marrying me without asking for his permission but he was never sorry that he married me.   It’s like a rollercoster ride that day. My brother is so angry at me for not listening to him. Matthew is his friend but he never liked him to be with me.   “He will hurt you. He already did,” that’s what he said but I didn’t listen to him.   “I love him and love comes with pain. I’m sorry if I didn’t listen to you,” I said and he just hugged me.   “Call me if something bad happen,” he said making me smile.   But now, everything remain as a memory but as a sad one.   After our wedding, I always thought we can live happily ever after just like in fairy tales. We're happy for 2 years span of our wedding but I forgot, there’s no such things as fairy tales. This is the reality. And reality is like a big slap to you because in reality, there's no happy ending. Only pain and heartaches.   “What?” Matt asked in a low voice. “What did you say?”   “I want out,” I said again and look away from him. I don’t want to meet his eyes. “I don’t want to live in this mess up life anymore.”   “Just like that? What about your promise to me? You promise and you vowed that no matter how hard our life would become, you will always be by my side and will never leave me. You vowed that you will always find a reason to stay with me!”   "I'm already tired. I'm slowly giving up,” I told him, trying to fight back my tears as I look at him coldly.   He just looked at me and then he smiled. A sad smile.   "What happened? Where did I go wrong? I thought we are together in this fight?”   “I want an annulment. Please just let me go.”   “But you're pregnant,” he said and looked at my small tummy.   "Having a baby doesn't fix a broken marriage," I told him and looked away as I can’t bear seeing those tears streaming down from his eyes.   He come closer and hugs me tightly. It’s like he’s telling me to not let him go. To stay with him and not leave him.   "Please don't give up. I can’t fight alone for the two of us. I can’t fix this alone," he said.   "Then stop. You don't have to fight for us because this is all wrong in the first place. We shouldn’t have pushed this marriage," I told him.   He looked at me in the eye, like he’s trying to search answers for the unsaid questions. He didn't say anything. He just look me in the eyes with that pleading look.   "We have to do this. You know we have to. To save the remaining respect and love we have for each others. We need to fix ourselves first, Matt, separately. And then after that, if we still love each other then we can get back together," I told him but he just remains silent.   He sighs and then he made one step away from me. Putting a distance.   “It seems so easy by the way you say it.Is that what you really want?” He asked looking into my eyes. But unlike earlier, he’s now looking at me emotionless.   “Yes,” I said in a low voice.   He just nods his head and then walked out of my room.   The moment he closed the door, the tears I’ve been trying so hard to hold flow from my eyes like a river. I put my hands on my mouth so no one would hear my whimpers and cries.   Relationships last long because two people make a choice to keep it. Fight for it and work for it. In our case, I gave up not because I’m already tired. I gave up to save the both of us.   I just hope that when the right time comes, he can still forgive me. He can still accept me. And he could still love me.    —