sins in church

It was a cool Summer morning as I sat on the porch reading a book and enjoying the silence and the peace that came with it, I live in Germany well I now live in Germany I am original from South Africa . My parents moved away to get us out of the bad environment we lived in. She makes us go to church every Sunday and any events that are keeping she always attends I'm not complaining or anything I love church. In my old school, I was classified as the quiet church girl and I didn't mind I rather book over people anyways. But at the new school I attended was filled with white kids, they treated me like an alien because of my dark skin, and my elder sister and brother have gotten tired of it, but that was when I was in high school now I am working at the biggest marketing firm as the CEO's assistant I don't see him much all I know is that I never want to see him again he is scary as hell and god forgives f*****g sexy as hell my big brother and sister work there too my brother works in engineering and my sister is the manager of the finance department my other brother Andres is captain in the police station he worked at everyone is proud of him since he is the second youngest. I looked down at my arm seeing the scars I have inflicted on myself due to depression. I didn't always use to have depression it was due to seeing my best friend commit suicide In front of me, I felt completely helpless that I couldn't do anything to help and blamed myself every day for her death. Even though her parents told me they don't blame me and it wasn't my fault I still felt guilty to this very day. So to release my frustration and guilt I started cutting myself every day and hid them from people around me, but one day I cut myself too deep and lay in my bed bleeding out. I didn't call for anyone to help me or anything I just wanted everything to end, but I fainted due to blood loss and woke up in a hospital finding my parents crying their eyes out and my brothers holding their heads down silently crying. My sister busted through the doors and squeezing the hell out of me my boyfriend had to take her off my before I passed out from lack of oxygen due to how right she was hugging me. A couple of days after that I didn't speak to anyone just stared out of space, my parents started to get worried and made me see a psychiatrist which kinda worked. She gave me comfort when I told her about my problems and everything that happens in my life, and gave me antidepressants to take which helped a lot I feel the urge to kill myself less since I started talking to her and taking pills that my brothers watched over me to make sure I don't overdose or try anything. My boyfriend also made sure that I take them every day, I remember when he always bribed me with chocolate so I took my pills and ate my chocolate after I smiled sadly at the memory, it has been 4 years since his death but I still miss him so much. He died in a car accident on his way to the hospital I was giving birth in, I remember crying and begging my brother who told me the news that it was a prank but it wasn't he was gone the only thing that kept me sane was my baby boy Swahili . I feel sad about Sarah my therapist that I had to leave back in my home town I miss her but we talk every day. I told her about my new therapist and that I don't trust her and she keeps flirting with my brothers eww. I respect all women but I will make an exception for she disgusts me besides Andres is married and has children twins that I babysit every time, and Aiyden and Sanyu have a girlfriend, My sister Abeni the eldest is disgusted by her. "Zendaya" my mother called me drawing me out of my thoughts and answering her in our native language or she will beat my ass she told us she hates when we speak English for she hardly understands us"JA mamma" (yes mama) "Kom hier en help my met die voorbereiding van aandete" (come here and help me prepare dinner) "goed op pad" (okay coming) I marked my book before closing it and bringing it in with me inside placing it on the table. "wat het jy my hulp nog met mamma (what do you need my help with mama). "was die groente en sny dit in voor jy dit in die pot sit" (wash vegetables and cut them up before putting them into the pot) I started doing what my mother told me to do almost cutting off my finger in the process which made my mother hit me with the dishtowel and bandaged my cut before we continued cooking. "Where are my beautiful ladies at" I heard my dad say from inside the hall "in here papa" he came into the kitchen with big grocery bags "wow mama did u send him to buy the entire store" my mom laughed behind and said back " maybe I did maybe I didn't". I looked at my mother shocked that she just spoke English fluently "mama you could speak English without adding any Afrikaans in it you lied to me" I said dramatically mom looked at me with a guilty expression"well yes dear I can your father has been teaching me everyday" I looked at my father who just shrugs his shoulders ", papa, you knew about this and didn't even give me a hint seriously" yes dear I did and to make up for it I have chocolate in the bag and ice cream in the fridge your favorite flavor coffee" I nod me head holding out my hand. My dad placed the chocolate in my hand and I went into the fridge for ice cream grabbing a spoon as I walked out of the kitchen. I heard screams of laughter descending the stairs my whole world run with a phone in his hand while laughing at his uncle Brandon. "Swahili give uncle Aiyden back his phone" "I don't wanna" I laugh then ask "and is why is that?" "He pinched me when I wanted to play with him". I shake my head in disappointment at my brother " seriously big bro you said you wanted to watch him but you pay more attention to your phone I am disappointed guess u will no longer babysit him" I pick up Swahili and placed him on my hip while counting down from 5 for this not the first time my brother has done this. Within two seconds my brother shouted "wait I'm sorry sis and you too little man it will never happen again" "you have said that like 5 or 6 times already these two weeks" my mom said while walking into the living room my dad also nodded his head in agreement with mom's statement. "Why are you ganging up on me" my brother whined "we are not ganging up on you we are just stating the facts that are different" "seriously mom" "yes now help me set the table" Aiyden went into the kitchen later returning with plates and forks for our family and an extra plate I was confused by this so I asked, " mama are we having any guests over?" "Yes we are" as she finished her sentence the doorbell rang.