SIDEWAYS IN LOVE

EENIE, MEENIE...

“Hey, Hannah,” I hear at this moment and turn around.

There they are. Both of them.

“Back home?” asks Jan and pulls his woollen cap over his straw-coloured hair. As with the scarf, this garment is a constantly worn accessory that identifies him as an artist. His bright eyes sparkle; whose exact colour, so far, I haven’t found out. They tell of his memory of what happened during my last home leave. If he knew how long he’ll remember it!

“You said nothing at all,” this comes from Leon. Unlike his fellow band members, he abandons fashionable frills, wearing as always his leather jacket and torn jeans. I imagine his equally pale blond curls would soon meet a pair of hairdressing scissors, seeing how he brushes them from his face.

“How long have you been in town?” he asks.

“Only since yesterday.” I catch myself imitating his movement, though my hair doesn’t fall into my eyes, and move my hand quickly into a trouser pocket. “But I’ll not be staying long.”

The request, for a quiet moment to talk to them both, is constantly on my lips. I failed, however. Since this is the only thought on my mind, no other topic occurs to me, so the three of us stand around in silence. Fortunately, the music is loud enough.

“Just call though if you like,” says Leon, and Jan winks at me. “See you.”

They keep walking. Lena joins me. She watches them for a moment and then looks back at me. Suspicion is in her eyes.

“Isn’t that the two from Just Borrowed?”

I deliberately concentrate on my cocktail and mumble a “Yeah” in the straw.

“Where do you know them from?”

Lena says that as if it was a miracle I know anyone she doesn’t also know. That annoys me.

I don’t have such an enormous desire to communicate like other women. I was more of a listener, and also never had problems that needed to be thrashed out, and I made decisions without asking for advice. So it was with my job in Berlin. I listen to my instincts, talk less and just do. Just because I don’t constantly update everyone about my activities or new acquaintances, doesn’t mean I have a static life. The thought makes me snort - how ironic. My life is anything but static.

“I was at one of their gigs, got into a conversation afterwards with Leon and since then we meet from time to time for a drink. Jan, I don’t know well.” Well enough!

A good friend and a stranger - these are optimal conditions! Eeny, meeny, miney, mo they rattled in the box...

Lena picks at the lint on her black pants which fluoresces in the light. This isn’t a good sign. She’s thinking, interpreting my reaction and making sense of it. In this, she’s a professional.

“So one of those two is the father,” she notes objectively and leaves the lint alone. “Can you tell me who it is?”

She frowns at my stubborn silence. “Oh, come on, Hannah. Now spit it out already!”

“I don’t know.”

Lena’s eyebrows skyrocket. “You don’t know? What don’t you know?”

“Which of the two it is,” I admit remorsefully and would like to disappear from this party. Instead, I stay with Lena, hang out at the bar and tell her what happened.

Seven weeks ago.

In mid-November, I was recently in Muhlhausen; taking a short break from Berlin, celebrating the wedding anniversary of my parents, going out with my girlfriends for a drink... and so on.

And so on took place on two consecutive evenings.

On the first evening, I had an appointment with Leon. I picked him up from band practise to have a drink at a jazz bar in the town centre. We also met each other at the end of my time in Muhlhausen, sometimes travelling together - just like that - and then each of us went our own way. He’s the drummer in Just Borrowed, a cover band that tours throughout Germany. Twice the boys had a gig in the capital, and so we met in Berlin. Leon told me most of his plans; he wanted the band to play original songs. He wrote lyrics and singer Jan composed, but the thing didn’t flourish, making him sometimes frustrated.

On that night I waited outside the rehearsal rooms while the boys played. Jan was the last one who came out. There was no sign of Leon. Jan was surprised to see me and let me know Leon had gone to his sister’s, who had had a baby. Instead of being angry with Leon because he had forgotten to tell me, I was happy for him and fell into conversation with Jan, who invited me for a drink.

It was a fun evening, which ended in his bed - and I regretted it afterwards. Not because it was a one-night stand; although they are not the norm for me, they have their charm. The s*x with Jan was good, and even though I don’t want a man in my life this doesn’t exclude s*x. I regret what happened because I’m pregnant and have to suspect the condom hadn’t kept its promise.

The icing on the cake came the following evening. Leon was back from his sister’s and wanted an evening with me. We drank to his niece - and drank too much. Eventually, the conversation turned to Jan and me. Leon already knew from his bandmates we had been out together. From me he now learned we had slept together - which we both found curious and so we drank more.

The next morning I woke up in Leon’s bed. avoided thinking about it for a while and finally decided to forget it.

This has now become an impossibility.

“A fine mess!” Lena determines. “And two musicians…”

I groan, annoyed. “What does it f*****g matter what they are? Do you think with office workers or,” I make a head movement in the direction where Lilly and Mr Perfect have thumbs hooked in each other’s fanny pack, “super-successful managers, the situation would be different?”

Lena pulls a pout. “Of course not, but just musicians... and groupies and stuff.”

“Are you crazy! I’m not a groupie! And I don’t want to get married.”

Nina joins us at the bar. She sways dangerously. “Who wants to marry you?” She mumbles, trying to blow unruly strands, which have become detached while dancing, away from her forehead. A hopeless task. “Why the problem? Who won’t you marry?”

“Nobody.” I throw Lena a beseeching look. “Not in this life. But if I do, you’ll be the first to find out and can pass it on.”

“Fantastic.” Nina contentedly accepts a new cocktail and disappears into the crowd of revellers, her hips swinging to the music.

Lena asks a question with which I haven’t concerned myself. “Which of the two would you prefer as a father?”

Leon, the joker surrounded by an artist’s aura? Jan, the libertine who needs two hands to count his harem? I sigh hoping the child has as many of my genes as possible and realize this is the first maternal concern which creeps over me. Apart from the fundamental idea that I’ll be a terrible mother.

“Doesn’t matter,” I mumble and get up. “But I’ll speak with them both now.”

Lena holds me by the arm. “Are you mad, not here and now!”

I free myself from her grip. “It doesn’t matter when I tell them... and now they are both here. So I can put it behind me.”

Without waiting for another comment, I start looking.

When I guide Leon and Jan from a bunch of girls to a quieter area in front of the curtain, I feel like a groupie. In light of what I have to tell them this stupid feeling only gets worse. I have to force the words out of my mouth.

When it’s out, they both stare in horror.

“What?” They shout in unison and bend to me as if they had misheard because of the loud music.

“I’m pregnant, and one of you is the father,” I repeat and am frightened, as Lilly and Mr Perfect stroll past.

Lilly has understood every word. Her horrified gaze glued itself to me, even as they are long past. I ignore them and turn back to the men where colour is drained from each of their faces.

Jan is the first to recover and speak. “And what do we do now? Shall we draw straws or what? I used a rubber, so I’d suggest you talk to Leon.” Already he wants to turn away, but Leon also finds his voice.

“But we never had s*x,” he stammers.

“I beg your pardon?” I fold my arms across my chest.

“Of course not! The two of us, we didn’t have sex.”

He becomes even whiter. “No.”

“And what did I do in your bed then?”

“Slept.”

“What are you talking about? Why were you so funny in the morning then? Your whole behaviour was... you know, I thought the whole night was a mistake, so why didn’t you tell me?”

“No idea,” Leon growls. “But I swear we didn’t have s*x. You were so drunk you immediately dozed off.” He sends Jan a look that makes his annoyance clear. “That saves on the straws.” So he leaves me with Jan.

“We used a condom,” he insists.

“Yes, we did. And condoms are the safest method of contraception, right?” I tease. “Maybe it broke.”

Jan shakes his head, taking a step back. “We used a condom.” He pronounces it as if it were a mantra which can undo something that happened, and moves away backwards until he disappears through the curtain.

As I stand there and the image before my eyes becomes more and more blurred, the background noise is overlaid by a rush of disbelief, and I don’t notice Lilly has come to me. Only when she puts her hand on my cheek and says my name, do I blink and see sharply again.

“Hey, are you okay?” she asks. “Sorry, I heard what you said, and the following scene was revealing even without sound.”

I nod. “It’s okay. I’m just tired and I will go home.”

“We can take you. Maximilian and I want to go. We came by car.” On my sceptical look towards her, she explains Maximilian has drunk no alcohol.

I agree. We go looking for the others. We find Lena and Luke with Bastian, who has replaced the bartender. Nina has disappeared as usual.

Lena asks whether we want to go for a walk the next afternoon. As much as I enjoy roaming through the park and over the fields on the outskirts of the city with Lena, at the moment I don’t feel like it. Hoping I can change my mind tomorrow, I agree, anyway.

On the way back I brood in silence. The silence is loud when I lie in bed and leaves me unable to sleep. I cannot believe how easily the guys dismiss our mutual problem. It would only have been missing that they accuse me of random hopping with every guy in town. I hope we can speak rationally about it - if not today, then at another time.

Gradually, my anger settles down and I confess to myself it doesn’t concern Leon anymore. Jan should definitely feel responsible. Maybe his reaction was from terror, but I can only appeal to Jan’s sense of responsibility with a positive paternity test. The very last thing I want is to chase anyone and commit them legally to being the father. In particular, because for me it’s already clear I’ll take over the role of single parent.

Lena’s and my walk follows a route that we trod as teenagers while chatting about sense and nonsense. I have to smile when I think about the problems we had back then.

From my parents’ house, the path leads us via Schillerweg and Poetenstieg to the Löwen, which, like all times, is enthroned on its high stone wall and looks over the roofs of the city.

We stop there and I brush the layer of snow off the wall to sit down. Lena watches my action with the usual suspicion and stops at a safe distance. She’s afraid of heights and has never sat next to me on that wall.

Then we walk from the Goetheweg with its old villas to the Uhlandweg, where the plots of land are gradually shrinking to allotment gardens. The fields behind are covered by a thin white blanket. Frozen snow crunches under our feet as we walk the path crisscrossed by tractor tracks. Since the wind blows stronger in the open area, we put our noses in our scarves. I pull my hat over my ears. Lena doesn’t wear any headgear and can only fold up her coat collar.

I’m glad that Lena only touched on the subject of pregnancy briefly and instead we talked at length about Lukas’ new job at a car dealership. Unfortunately, we drift from there to my job. Lena asks how my trip to New York was. I want to end the topic with a dismissive hand, but she doesn’t give up and asks me about my hotel of all places. She has been to the Big Apple several times and loves the hotels there.

So I tell her about Sam and that I stayed with him. I’m probably saying his name in a strange tone because Lena gives me a sideways glance.

She puts her hands in her jacket pocket and says, “I have the feeling that there are a few too many men in your life these days.”

“Why is that?” I pretend to be surprised. “Sam’s just…” Lena interrupts me.

“Sam!”

“Yes, his name is Sam, I already said that.”

“You did, and it gives me certain vibes.” She spreads her arms and turns as she walks. “Hmmm. Sammmm!”

When I snort, Lena pulls herself together and walks next to me again. “Tell me! What happened between you and Sam?”

“Nothing,” I lie. “Sam was just being nice.”

“Why was he being nice? Nice sounds boring.”

“No, it certainly doesn’t.” I don't want to smile, but I can’t help it. “We had a good time together.”

“Then what? Is he married? Not a hip musician? You’re hiding something from me! Why do I have to keep pulling everything out of you? First the pregnancy, then two possible fathers…”

“Just one now,” I interrupt.

“Yes, fortunately! But the initial situation was different. And now you mention this American in passing.”

Because I don’t answer, she asks: “Was he at least a decent host who carried your luggage to his apartment?” Lena is firmly convinced that you can tell a good host by the fact that he carries your suitcase.

“Oh, yes. From our first meeting at the airport,” I watch ducks flying over the duck pond we’re about to reach. “He grabbed them all, even the knife case, and he didn’t even groan under the load.”

Lena grins. “Did he groan at some point later?”

I stop and stamp my foot. “Just stop now! You’re impossible.” As I walk on, I see duck after duck landing on the ice. They slide across the slippery surface and slow down their speed using their spread wings. On the opposite bank, there are people who have food with them and take care of the excitedly chattering birds.

Lena gives in. “Well, someday you’ll tell me.”

Maybe I will, I think to myself. If it doesn’t become unimportant and forgotten. Unimaginable at the moment. Forgetting Sam is a thought that’s making me pretty misty-eyed right now.