Splintered Ice

1Cold, like bitter iced fingers ran along his spine. The nightmare was real. Terrifyingly real. He didn't wake up from it until the world he knew appeared no longer recognisable, but one turned upside down. Jed knew he should respond more positively, allowing some of the sun's warmth to percolate inside him and rise to the surface. This required effort, but somehow he never quite managed it, often forcing himself to smile regardless of the weight that hung like a yoke around him. Others turned away, avoiding his stare; no one ever stopped him to say 'hello' or ask how he was. Not that he cared. It was something he had come to terms with, accepted. His days were all like this one, inside and out. Heavy, black clouds, threatening to break but never doing so, bearing down on him, cloaking him in depression. And this particular day, as he came around the corner, the wind pinching at his face, he saw the people and groaned. He usually reacted this way and shunned company. Ever since Mum had left. He remembered the day as clear as those rare ones when the sun broke through. He'd come home from school, not feeling too well. The usual routine meant he stayed for school dinners, not that he ate very much of them. Slop, that's all it was. Slop followed by cake smothered in pink custard. Craig Watson, big fat cheesy face beaming like a buffoon, brainless, piling up his plate by taking everyone else's. God, he could put that stuff away! That particular day Jed had stood up to him, sick of his antics, sick of him. “Give us your dinner,” grumbled Watson, voice like a constipated buffalo – which he must have been, given the amount of slop he shovelled into his ever-open gob. The others pressed against the dinner table, obediently did his bidding, staring down at the meagre scraps Watson had allowed them to keep, with all the grace of a nightclub bouncer. “No,” said Jed. They'd all blinked at that, especially Miles, Jed's friend. Reaching over, he touched Jed's arm, trying to calm him. But Jed fumed inside, too far gone to notice, the limit reached. Watson looked as though he'd been yanked back by a winch, his whole body becoming stiff, head jerking, mouth dropping open. Sixteen years of age, grossly over-weight, Watson was a formidable bully. Despite being almost two years younger than Jed, he looked considerably older. Feared throughout the school. Nobody said 'no' to Craig Watson. But Jed had. And the whole world waited to see what would happen next. Jed shoved back his chair, the bottom of the legs scraping across the bare floor, and he climbed to his feet. “Pick it up!” Roared Mr Malone from the far end of the hall. Mr Malone used to be a professional rugby player, about a thousand years ago. But he looked more like a football now, the glory days long gone, as wide as he was tall, puffed up and red-faced, as if he were going to burst at any minute. But Jed liked him, thought him decent, in a gruff sort of way. Malone didn't take much messing from the kids, but very rarely paid any attention to what they got up to. A dinner monitor, not a teacher, just a poor old pensioner trying to earn a few extra bob to pay for his cats' upkeep. Apparently, so Jed heard, Malone owned lots of cats. But no one else. No wife, no family. Just the cats. And this job. Jed liked him and felt sorry for him and he thought, with no evidence to support his view, that Mr Malone liked him too. But it didn't look that way at that moment as Jed stood there, simmering quietly. “I've told you a thousand times,” screeched Malone over the collective buzz of the dining hall, “not to scrape those things across the floor – to pick the damn things up! And what are you doing standing up anyway?” “Don't feel well,” said Jed, as quick as a flash. He glanced down at Watson, who glared at him. No longer the buffalo, he was now the predator, eyes narrowed into slits. “I'm going to get you, Meres.” “In your dreams, Watson.” “Yeah, well it'll be your worst nightmare when I've finished with you.” “Jed, just leave it, yeah?” Miles said. Always the protector. Jed smirked. He didn't feel particularly brave, more that he had woken up. The night before he'd heard his parents arguing. They always argued, so nothing unusual in that, but this sounded different. On another level. Dad had stomped out of the house, slamming the door behind him, and he never did that. Mum had stayed in the living room, television on low, and from his room Jed could hear the sobs. He listened to her padding across the hall, picking up the 'phone. She talked rapidly, in a whisper. He knew he shouldn't, and he felt guilty doing so, but he crept over to his door, pressed his ear against the c***k, and listened. He couldn't make out most of what she said, but there were lots of, 'It's not going to be easy…as long as we've got one another…you've been so good…I know, I know, but…all right…please, just a little while longer…'. What did it all mean? Something stirred inside him, a sudden lurching in the pit of his stomach. Ominous, like a premonition of something…something massive. So he'd gone back to his bed and slumped down, looking at the ceiling, feeling like everything had begun to close in. Stifling him. Nothing could change the fact Mum and Dad had drifted…anything they had long gone. Mum and Dad. For how much longer could he put those two words together and conjure up any meaning? Did anything have any meaning if they weren't going to be a family anymore? Because he suspected this was going to happen. The end. And it churned him up inside, making him angry, tying his stomach in knots and he rolled over, brought his knees up to his chest, and gnawed at his lips. Why? That was the question that burned – why? So school and that day with Watson, they were like nothing. Little bits of trivia that had come along to test him. And he had decided to take the test full on, meet it, steel against steel. “You can try, Watson. But I tell you this,” Jed leaned forward, grinning, “by the time you've filled your guts up with all this,” he waved his hand over the other dinner plates, “you'll be so full of s**t you won't be able to move…and I'll kick your fat, stinking head in.” And with that, to the disbelief of everyone, Jed took up his plate of sponge and pink custard, and ladled it onto Watson's stack of beef-stew-slop. The table gave a collective gasp, all of them stunned, especially Watson, who sat there, gaping in disbelief. Jed span on his heels and marched out. Malone followed and Jed pulled up, looking at him. The man's eyes had something like respect twinkling within them and Jed gave him a little nod, “I'm going to go home, Mr Malone. Sleep it off.” But when he got home, the house greeted him still and silent. Jed stood in the hallway for a moment, sensing something, something which didn't feel quite right. More than the usual atmosphere of nobody being home. Empty. Cold, unfriendly, any homeliness stripped away, like wallpaper replaced by something flat and lifeless. And charmless. No soul. Just a building, a house, not a home. Moving quickly, anxious now, he went into the kitchen, the usual hub of the house. Everything looked tidy, almost too tidy, he thought. He ran a finger across the tabletop. Clean. He pressed the finger to his nose, breathed in the disinfectant. Like a hospital. Clinical. Now, into the living room. All the clutter gone, magazines and books neatly stacked, coffee-mugs and plates put away. It reminded him of one of those show-homes Mum and Dad used to drag him round to some years before. Very nice, but not real. A place in which you walked around on pins, afraid that you might spill something, or misplace a cushion and undo the careful fabric of the sanitised furnishing. Jed ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and burst into his parents' bedroom, ripping open the doors to his Mum's wardrobe. He stopped, hardly able to breathe. No clothes. Drawers, the same. Make-up, perfumes, hair dryer, straighteners, the everyday necessities of the modern woman, all gone. Decks swept clean. Dropping down on the corner of the bed, he sat there for a long time, just staring into space, not daring to admit what he knew to be true. She'd left. Gone. That phone call, that had to be the key. But to whom had she been speaking, he had no idea. Jed racked his brains, thinking of her old friends. Men. He dismissed each and everyone. When he looked up and caught his reflection in the full-length mirror on the wall opposite, he saw staring back at him a young man, vulnerable all of a sudden. He didn't like what he saw and he straightened up, the anger rising. He knew he would find out who had stolen her. And when he did… No…no, he had to think about this. Be realistic. If she had left, then life had suddenly become bleaker. All at once, he felt trapped, useless, unable to do anything. For all his bravado, how could he find out who the man was? Life wasn't a movie. He had to get real, accept it, try and live through it. And prepare himself for what Dad would do. He glanced at his wristwatch. Dad would be home in a little under four hours. Jed groaned at the prospect of his dad's reaction. The hours dragged by. Jed spent most of the time sat in the lounge gazing at the clock as the hands crawled slowly around. Then the sound of the key. Dad had come home, at his usual time. He'd gone upstairs without a word, as usual. Jed waited, staring at his hands. He could hear the stomping of feet, imagining his dad sitting down, pulling off his boots, taking off his shirt, getting ready for a shower. Then the opening of the wardrobe and the stunned silence. Jed put his face in his hands. Hell had come to visit. Dad had come down, heavy footed, and when Jed saw his face a surge of real fear raced through him. He'd never seen his dad's face so dark, so filled with barely contained fury. “I've got some bad news,” Dad began, voice low, unsteady, close to breaking. “I think I know, Dad,” Jed mumbled. For a moment, it looked as if Dad would explode. He wrestled with himself, face twisting into a horrible scowl. “Well, you knew a damn sight more than I b****y did!” He went out, slamming the door behind him. After a moment, spent trying to quieten his booming heart, Jed gathered up what little courage he had, and went out to find his dad in the kitchen. “What are you going to do?” Dad busied himself at the sink, washing a plate. A clean plate, taken down from the rack. Jed realized that his dad was in shock, doing things mechanically, without thinking. Jed wanted to reach over and put his arm around him. His dad, strong, dependable, just an ordinary bloke really. But his dad nevertheless. And special for that. But Jed couldn't. There had always been a barrier between them, a reluctance to show affection. It was just the way they were, and the habits of half a lifetime could not be broken, even when tragedy had struck. “I'm going to have my tea,” Dad said and that was the end of the conversation. They hardly said a word all night and later, as he lay in his bed staring up at the ceiling, Jed could hear his dad in the next room, crying. It had to be the most awful sound he had ever heard. It grew so bad that he turned over, pulling his pillow over his head to muffle the noise. But it didn't work. He could still hear that mournful sound and it stayed with him all through the night. The next day his dad did not go to work. Jed couldn't remember a time when his dad had taken a day off from his job. Jed sat in the kitchen, playing with his breakfast, thinking back to when he had been a little boy. He longed for those wonderful days when he'd help Dad get the bike out of the shed, that big heavy, green policeman's bike, and run down with him, pretending to push him along the road until he couldn't do it any longer, all the breath gone out of him. And he'd stand there, waving his arm so hard he thought it would fall off. Dad, turning the corner, raising his arm in response. Just the once. Jed let the spoon clatter against the still full bowl of cereal, put his fist in his mouth and tried to keep the tears at bay. He'd been young then, maybe seven. They were close in those days, him and his dad, before the clouds gathered and changed Jed into an unfeeling, uncaring, super-cool teenager who didn't give a moment's thought to anyone else. Not ever. Until now. Mum leaving had rekindled all of his old feelings. He wished he were seven again. He wished the past would return and life would be good again. Warm and safe and together. His stomach lurched once more and he pushed the untouched breakfast cereal away. School beckoned. And Craig Watson. As soon as Jed walked through the school gates, he saw Watson standing there, a few of his cronies gathered around, faces split wide grins, anxious for the fun to begin. Watson gave them a knowing glance then stepped in front of Jed. “Lunch time, Meres. Up at the park. We'll finish this.” But Jed wasn't going to wait until lunchtime. Not that lunch time, not any lunch. He'd had enough and he knew of only one way to silence the big fat drip. Jed simply moved up close to the big slob and, without a word, butted him full in the face, his forehead connecting with Watson's nose like a hammer against a piece of wood. Jed felt the c***k before he heard it, not that he could have heard much anyway with Watson screaming like a stuck pig. The big bully fell to the ground, a great lump of lard, floundering, hands pressed against his face, the blood spurting through his fingers. Someone grabbed Jed by the shoulder and hauled him away. No one moved, no one spoke. Jed looked at them as someone frog-marched him into the main school building and he felt a little stirring of happiness inside. No one could find any words, all of them shocked, and he liked that. He'd shut the whole lot up. Jed stood before the Headteacher. Mr Phillips, as hard as they came, leaned back in his seat, chewing furiously at his bottom lip. Reminded Jed of an old World War Two fighter pilot, great handle-bar moustache, very 'far-back' voice, but he had the build of an all-in-wrestler. Everyone feared Phillips, but not Jed. Not now. He knew he'd changed, from the moment he'd opened his eyes that morning. Something had happened. A new resolve to confront, everyone and everything. Past caring, he didn't flinch, even when the cane cracked against his backside. He didn't feel it, not the first one, not the sixth. Standing up, all he wanted was to go home, close his bedroom door and forget about the world and everything in it. Just spend the time with his dad. His dear, old dad, whom he'd left that morning sitting at the kitchen table, face in his hands, crying like a little boy. “You're a b****y disgrace, Meres!” He fastened his gaze on Phillips and nodded his head. “Yes sir. Sorry sir.” “Don't say sorry to me! God help you if Watson decides to press charges, you could end up in court.” “He won't do that sir.” “You – who the hell do you think you are, Meres! God Almighty?” Phillips trembled, close to losing control. It was only Mr Henderson's presence, standing there in the corner as a witness, which prevented the Head from launching an attack of his own on Jed. Jed could see it, the Headteacher gripping the side of his desk, knuckles white, face red. Close to losing it. Henderson led Jed promptly out of the office and pointed him in the direction of the main school gates. “You'll be hearing from us,” said Henderson. “You're suspended. Your father will receive the official letter in the morning.” And that was that. Jed made his way to the gate and glanced sideways as his old friend came up to him. Miles, a worried look on his face, said, “Jed…are you going to be all right?” “I'll be fine. Don't worry.” “But I am worrying! What's happening to you? What you did to Watson…what's going on?” “Nothing, mate.” A part of Jed wanted to tell him everything, but he just couldn't. Miles would never understand. And besides, right now Jed had no need of friends, had no need of anyone, except perhaps Dad. “I'll see you around.” He walked home in a daze, not thinking about anything, the sensations across his backside warming him, a reminder of what had happened. But that was all. When Jed got home, he could see Dad still sat in the kitchen, staring blankly at the walls. He barely glanced up as Jed came up to him. Without a word, Jed went to his room and showered. He needed to get the smell of school out of his skin, wash away the grime of a life he didn't want any more, not at that moment. That evening, the police called round. Jed had a lump in his throat as soon as he opened the door and saw the uniformed constable standing there. His heartbeat thumped so madly he felt light-headed, sweat breaking out on his forehead. The policeman frowned, obviously noticing Jed's discomfort, but Jed needn't have worried. They hadn't come for him. Watson wasn't going to say anything to anyone. 'Fell down the steps on the way home, Mum.' That's what he'd say, or something similar. The unspoken rule governed. Simple. It was just the way things were, the rule of the street, how it would always be. The unwritten code of honour. You never grassed-up your mates…even those who smashed your face in. No, the police called round because Dad had asked them to find Mum. “It's all right, Jed.” Dad stood next to him in the hallway, beckoning the policeman to come inside. “I called them this afternoon.” He'd done that whilst Jed was out at school, flooring Watson and shutting the big oaf up for the rest of his natural. They'd found her. “She's in a caravan, Mr Meres.” “A caravan? Where?” “I can't really tell you that, sir. Sorry.” “What the hell do you mean you can't tell me? She's my wife, for God's sake!” “I know that, sir. I spoke to her, asked her if she was coming home.” “And?” The policeman looked from Dad to Jed and back again. “Sorry, sir. She said 'no'.” “Was she all right?” Both the policeman and Dad turned to Jed as he asked the question. Dad looked horror-struck, as if accusing his son of taking sides. Perhaps he was, or playing the diplomat, Jed didn't know which, and he didn't really care either way. Didn't Dad realize that she was Jed's mum, that he had feelings for her? Anger might have consumed Dad, even hatred, but Jed just wanted to understand it all. He still cared. “She seemed fine.” After the policeman left, Dad shuffled back to the kitchen, like a little old man. The years had suddenly multiplied across his whole body, crushing him, laying waste his spirit. Jed followed him, thinking the cold surroundings sharpened his Dad's senses, made him realize that none of it was a dream. It might have been that, or it might have been that he wanted to be alone. Jed didn't know and he didn't have the strength, or the courage to ask. With nothing coming from Dad, Jed went to his room and tried to sleep. That night was the worst of his life, thinking of his mum in some tiny, cramped caravan, stirring soup on a Calor Gas stove. She'd given up the family home for that? It didn't make sense, none of it. Sleep came in short batches every night for the next two weeks, punctuated with visions of his mum, his dad. He found some photographs of them both. He hadn't been looking; maybe his dad had left them out. They were on the coffee-table in the lounge, just tossed there. Some snaps of them both on a weekend at Conway. Only last year. Dad looking happy, a bit like a little boy; big cheesy grin. Unaware. Blissfully ignorant. Mum her usual glamorous self, even on a windy day in North Wales. Jed kept looking at his dad. Clad in a long raincoat, trying to protect himself from the biting wind, but failing miserably. He didn't look like his dad at all, really, not how he thought of him. With a sudden jolt of realisation, Jed could see how much his dad had aged. Funny how he'd never noticed before, but then, when you're with someone every day of your life, do you actually see such things? The photograph made him see again, with fresh eyes, and he was shocked at how old Dad seemed; how everyone else must see him. An old man, fragile, well into the autumn of his years. Jed had cried. For the first time since Mum had left, clutching the photographs tightly in his hands, he let it gush out of him, not caring. It didn't make him feel any better, but it made him feel a little less guilty. Just a little. And now, here he was, walking into town on that Saturday. The first time he'd been out of the house since school suspended him for three days. The rest of the time he'd taken as sick. He couldn't face any of it. Watson didn't bother him, but Phillips did. The man had appeared physically shocked by the assault and Jed knew he would never stop mentioning it, would forever confront Jed in the corridors, berating him for 'bringing the school down.' Questions would follow, and not just from school. Everyone. No doubt they all knew, the neighbours; being a small town, gossip soon got round. It would be best to steer well clear, so he kept his head down low, sat in his room, listening to music, reading, trying to rid his mind of the conflicting emotions invading his thoughts. He adopted a scorched-earth policy, retreating, finding solace in novels, the books he'd bought but never r******w he consumed them voraciously and he believed he had made it through. Jed didn't want to knock anyone else out, and now he felt calmer, more in control. At last his confidence returned and he felt able to step outside again. But as he'd come round the corner and strolled along the road he could see the little gaggle of people and he groaned inside. Most of them simply brushed by, but there were some who stopped and stared. And then Mrs Roberts stepped up. Jed knew the moment he long dreaded had now arrived. All of his calmness, his quiet mind, pulled away, to reveal him again for who he really was – a frightened, confused teenager with no mum and a shattered, broken dad. Before he could say anything, Mrs Roberts turned on him, like a terrier, the accusations flying. God, how he hated it all.