all for me, all for you

I wake up dripping in sweat every night, seven years straight. Reliving the exact moment I felt my life slip away ad all I can do is cry or kill myself. But what can I do or what could I do. Apparently its a mother's job to morn for those you have lost, but me. To be totally honest with you, WHAT THE f**k DO YOU DO? Tsk, as if anything could bring back the ones you have truly loved back. Life has a f****d up way of giving and taking. f****d up fact is, you don't get to tell them anything that mattered before its too late. Look at me, still in the same bed my daughter lied in. She passed when she was 3 years old and no one could tell me what really happened they rather phone the rest of the family to inform them of what happened. Don't get me wrong my daughter was never a sick baby, well at least not that serious type. I was her birth mom. Me, and no one would talk to me. The only thing that I could do was arrange a funeral. Explaining anything to anyone would be pointless. Therapy could do no justice either.  I got up, deciding that feeling petty for myself wasn't going to make me feel better. Yes its been two months. All I did was practically eat, drink myself stupid and sleep. I don't remember when was the last time I have seen the clear sky or even let light into my home. Home, or should I say house- ah f**k it just move- thinking about makes my heart bleed. But if this is what my daughter would want me to do then so be it. I got money, I got a car-I use to have a job- laughing at my stupid thinking. Yes, I use to have a job but that was more like for pocket money than anything else. I know that even with the money I have now I need to get me a job to keep me busy. Staying still and not being functional would make me go crazy as f**k so fist things first. Call someone to put my house up for sale, donate my daughters things- keep her favorite you at least- order in boxes for my things and sell the rest- can always buy new furniture- look up a new small town to live in and go from there. " Sounds like a new beginning to me " I thought to myself. And I did just that. **