Disharmony

Try and Catch Me

Kari didn’t get nervous. At least, not like this. A few butterflies before she got on stage always helped her perform her best. But this was gut wrenching, stomach tightening, she felt like she couldn’t breathe nerves.

And of course, he was the cause. He always did have a way of paralyzing her with fear. Just the thought of him made her feel as though fingers were tightening around her neck and slowly strangling her to death. As though she was drowning and gasping for air.

She should have known this would happen. Since the breakup three years ago, she’d managed to avoid this situation. He’d been pretty low key, only doing small independent films that didn’t garner him much attention at the large music awards shows she generally attended.

However, this year, he’d just finished filming the latest in a large action movie franchise and was out promoting everywhere. Currently, she was glancing at the TV, attempting not to watch the prerecorded interview he’d done with the entertainment channel while simultaneously trying not to the think about the fact that in a few short hours, they’d once again be in the same room.

Award shows were always fun to attend; especially ones honoring musicians because the performances never failed to disappoint. So of course she’d said she would attend and perform. At the time she hadn’t thought about Noah being there, mostly because it had been ages since she’d thought about him general.

So she’d begged Xavier to come along. He’d been wary, and rightfully so, after the near disaster that picture of them kissing had caused. But she really needed the moral support, especially since Annie had returned to school. Besides, Xavier was a musician as well, so his presence there wouldn’t be questioned.

Although they were taking the same car to the event because they were staying in the same hotel, they planned to stagger their red carpet entrances so they wouldn’t be asked to take pictures together. Kari had listed Xavier as her plus one to ensure they were seated side by side. She knew that was a questionable idea, considering all that had happened the past few weeks. But she figured barely anyone knew about the kiss as the picture had been stripped from all websites and banned from being published. Thus, people would either assume there was something going on between them or assume they were just friends. And seeing as people always assumed they were in a secret relationship, this wasn’t anything new to deal with.

A soft knock on her door drew her attention and she quickly switched off the television and stood carefully, smoothing out her feather skirted dress and tugging gently on the end of her high ponytail. Taking a deep breath, she tapped her self-painted black nails against the outside of her clutch as she walked towards the door and pulled it open to reveal Xavier on the other side.

He was dressed simply, in fitted black pants, a white button up, and a black blazer, but she thought he looked breathtaking nonetheless.

She smiled widely. “You clean up nice, Spiers.”

He smirked. “You’re gorgeous, Stevens.”

Despite herself, she flushed, nodding towards the doorway to direct his attention elsewhere. They arrived at the red carpet half an hour before the show was scheduled to begin. Kari stepped out of the car first, Xavier saying he would wait ten minutes before making his appearance.

She worked the red carpet as usual, giving them sultry looks over her shoulder when they asked. Her management had advised her not to do any red carpet interviews, as she would undoubtedly be asked about Noah or Xavier and she would rather not talk about either. So she finished her poses and smiles and waves quickly before stepping inside the lobby of the venue to wait for Xavier.

Just as she was about to pull out her phone to check the time, she felt a presence before her. Believing it was Xavier, she raised her head with a smile, only to have her expression freeze when it turned out to be the very person she’d intended on avoiding the entire night.

“Kar-Kar,” Noah smirked, his eyes flicking up and down her body. “You look good.”

She felt as if she was drowning in a bathtub full of snakes. Her skin crawled and she found that she had forgotten how to breathe.

“Noah,” she whispered because she couldn’t force her voice to go any higher.

Damn him for still looking so good. The past three years had only made him more attractive. His thick blonde curls had been cut short and tamed, which gave the illusion of maturity, although his deep green eyes still glinted with that mischief that she used to find so enticing.

Now, however, they just left her paralyzed.

She hated that she allowed herself to be this way around him; that she let him contain her fire. As his lips twisted into an even deeper smirk, she waited for her heart rate to spike and her breathing to become haggard, as it generally did in his presence.

Both things eventually occurred, but she was surprised to find that it wasn’t for the reason she originally believed. She wasn’t flustered by him; she was disgusted.

So she breathed deeply and stood up straighter and looked him straight in the eyes. He seemed surprised by her boldness, as she’d generally been timid in their relationship. But if Kari had learned anything about herself as a result of their breakup, it was that she was a force to be reckoned with.

“Good evening, Noah,” she smiled tightly. “I hope you’re well.”

His eyes twinkled with amusement and he leaned close, his lips brushing her ear as he whispered, “Much better now.” And then the bastard winked and walked away.

She was fuming, her nails digging small crescents into the palm of her hand as she cursed under her breath.

“Everything alright?”

Turning, she relaxed a little at the sight of Xavier, who had finally finished his walk of the red carpet.

“Yes,” she replied a little breathlessly. “I just ran into someone I haven’t seen in a while.”

Xavier raised an eyebrow, looking unimpressed. “Noah? I saw him when I was walking up.”

She blinked in surprise. “Yes.”

“Did you know he was going to be here?” Xavier sighed.

“Yes,” she said slowly, wondering why Xavier’s demeanor was changing slowly to one of annoyance.

“Is that why you wanted me to be your plus one?” he asked quietly.

The simplest answer was yes, but the situation wasn’t simple, so she knew simply conceding would give him the wrong impression. Unfortunately, she wasn’t given a chance to respond, as they were ushered to their seats.

Xavier sat tensely beside her, making very minimal conversation and laughing unenthusiastically once the show actually began. She knew the cameras in the audience could pan to her at any moment, so she tried her best to make it seem as though she was having a good time. When she won the award for female video of the year, Xavier hugged her courteously, whispering congratulations into her ear with absolutely no enthusiasm. She accepted the award with excitement, thanking the usual people before returning to her seat to find her touring partner was still giving her the cold shoulder.

“Xavier,” she spoke softly during a commercial break. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?” he replied innocently, not even bothering to look at her.

“You’ve practically been ignoring me all night,” she protested.

“Don’t worry,” he shrugged. “I’ll make sure to turn on the charm the next time Noah’s around.”

Her mouth fell open in shock. He couldn’t be…it wasn’t possible…had she been sending entirely the wrong signals? Was Xavier jealous?

“I didn’t ask you to be my date because I’m using you,” she hissed in response, feeling her heart rate elevating in rage.

“Could have fooled me,” he responded coolly.

She rolled her eyes and turned to face the front, regaining her composure as the music cued the entrance of the next presenter.

 And of course, it had to be him.

Noah smiled charmingly at the audience as he began his introduction to the award. Just before announcing the nominees, his eyes met hers and she gripped her clutch tightly in her lap with one hand, the fingers of the other curled into a fist. She kept her expression neutral, however, because she could practically feel the eyes of an entire nation waiting for her to have some sort of reaction. But it seemed like Noah could sense the distress he was causing her and the corners of his lips lifted just slightly before he removed his gaze and cued the video package listing the nominees.

As clips of the various music videos played, she felt something on her wrist and looked down to see Xavier’s fingers attempting to unfurl her fist. She relaxed her fingers, breathing deeply as he intertwined their hands and squeezed softly. Looking up at him, she expected to see Xavier’s eyes deadened, because he always was one to fall victim to his sense of duty, but what she found instead was understanding.

Despite his initial disgust with the situation, he was now indicating that he had accepted her reasons for wanting him there and she was beyond grateful. So she held Xavier’s hand tightly until Noah and the winners of best collaboration video exited the stage, sighing and smiling gratefully as she turned to him during the commercial break.

“Thanks,” she said, enjoying the fact that he hadn’t yet released her hand.

“He really works you up, doesn’t he?” Xavier frowned.

Kari nodded, a little frustrated at the thought. “I wish he didn’t affect me that way.”

He shrugged. “Then don’t let him.”

She wondered if it really was that easy; if she could really just turn it all off. But then again, turning off her emotions had gotten her through many a scandal in the papers, so why couldn’t it work in regards to Noah as well?

Shooting Xavier a small smile, she nodded and squeezed his hand gratefully before letting it go. “I have to go backstage to get ready for my performance. I’ll see you after.”

“Of course,” he smiled encouragingly. “Break a leg.”

Laughing softly, she rose from her seat and made her way back stage. She stopped short before she reached her dressing room, her eyes narrowing when she spotted Noah at the end of the hallway, taking pictures with the group to whom he had just presented an award.

Her hopes of avoiding him flew out the window when he took notice of her presence and called her name down the hallway.

She held in a groan and kept her lips pressed together, her arms crossing over her chest in irritation. “What do you want?”

He didn’t look the least bit offended by her coldness. In fact, he looked rather amused, which only served to enhance her annoyance.

“Oh, Kar-Kar,” he replied, that stupid amused smirk twisting his lips, “Still so much anger. Can’t we be friends?”

“Yes,” she replied, “Once you grow a heart.”

“Still feisty,” he grinned. “I always did love that about you.”

She scoffed. “You say that as though you’re capable of love.”

The corners of his lips lifted into a small smile and he reached out a hand to tug affectionately on her ponytail. She swatted his arm away and fixed him with a glare as he spoke.

“Love is for the weak, my darling.”

“You’re wrong,” she challenged, looking him straight in the eyes. “Love is for the fearless. Not allowing yourself to love doesn’t make you strong; it makes you a coward.”

Before he could respond, she brushed passed him into her dressing room, sighing in relief as she sank into the chair in front of the mirror. Ten minutes later – which was record time – she emerged dressed for her performance.

The award show people had been surprised when she told them what song she would like to perform. It wasn’t new and she hadn’t released it as a single, so the probability that anyone in the audience would know the words was slim.

But that wasn’t the point of this performance. She needed to prove to herself that she was truly over him. So, she would sing the song that she’d written when she’d finally realized that their relationship had been toxic; the song which told him that she no longer cared what he thought of her. And she would sing it right to his face.

Such an occasion required the appropriate attire, of course. Red was the color of redemption and it didn’t hurt that it made her feel invincible. So when she stepped out onto that stage, her feet bare beneath the silky a line skirt of her gown and her hair rippling around her shoulders in loose, messy curls, she could practically feel her veins being lit with fire.

She stood at the back of the stage, her head tilted downwards as a single spotlight shone on her and the first chord of the backing track played. Taking a deep breath, she began to sing. Her eyes lifted to survey the audience and she couldn’t see anything, but she knew he was there. As she walked slowly towards the front of the stage, her voice became stronger.

The audience was utterly silent. Even the track playing behind her wasn’t very loud, so the only noise in the entire venue is her voice. By this point, she was certain her gaze looked as though she could start a forest fire, because the lyrics of the song become more bitter with each line and she channeled that rage into the next chorus.  

There was a musical interlude. She took the opportunity to find Xavier in the front row. She wasn’t sure if he was aware of her reasoning behind picking this song, but he still smiled at her as though he was the proudest person alive and it fueled her conviction. She took another deep breath as she went into the last verse, willing Noah to feel her pain and anger and most importantly, her indifference to his feelings.  

There was a moment of silence when the song ended before the audience started clapping and cheering. Smiling widely, she waved and blew kisses. Just before the stage went dark, she caught sight of Noah. That amused smirk was in its usual place, but this time, it didn’t incite anger. This time, all she felt towards him was pity that he still didn’t seem to understand what she was saying.

She smiled to herself once the stage was pitch black. That performance was one of her best ever. It left her confident and buzzing and ready to take on the world.

The rest of the show was a blur of excitement. She won two more awards and clapped excitedly when Xavier accepted his award for Best New Artist. They danced along to the performances and mingled with the other celebrity guests and it wasn’t until they were back in the car headed for the after party that she remembered how the show had started.

“I wasn’t lying before, you know,” she said quietly after they’d finished reminiscing about the fabulous dance moves they’d seen from the various audience members. “I wasn’t trying to use you.”

He lifted one side of his mouth into a small smile and ran a hand through his hair. “I know. At least, I know it wasn’t intentional. I suppose I was a bit jealous.”

She smiled softly. “You have no reason to be.”

There were many ways he could interpret that statement and she supposed every interpretation was valid. On one hand, there was officially no relationship of the romantic nature between her and Xavier. On the other, they both knew that was complete bullshit. At this point, it was only a matter of time before something decidedly not platonic happened between them again.

Nodding, he chewed on his bottom lip before he spoke. “What happened with you and Noah?”

She laughed bitterly. “Hollywood’s bad boy dumped America’s sweetheart. That’s what the headline read.”

“Come on, Kar,” he encouraged softly. “You know I never believe anything I read in the papers. I want your side of the story.”

She found herself captivated by the sincerity in his eyes and wondered if it was in fact possible that after discovering the seedy underbelly of celebrity life, Xavier was still pure of heart.

“It’s actually pretty cliché,” she admitted. “I’d been in the industry for about three years and I’d successfully began my mission to rid myself of the sweet, innocent image. Dating Hollywood’s bad boy was just the next natural progression, I suppose. We actually met at an award show. He was presenting the category I was nominated for, trying to promote his new movie. We were introduced backstage after I won. I fell hard and I fell fast and I didn’t even realize it was happening. At the time, I was naïve enough to think that just because you love someone, it means they automatically love you back. It turned out he had no intention of ever being in a serious relationship with me; he thought of me as some kid he was just having fun with. And the worst part is that I knew. I knew his reputation; I knew what he was like and I still managed to convince myself that I’d somehow be different, that I’d somehow be the one he changed for. But I guess if you go into a relationship hoping someone will change, then it wasn’t really any good to begin with, was it?”

There was no self-pity in her voice as she spoke. Two years ago, that might have been different, but she’d learned to admit her mistakes. Back then, she really was blind and stupid and desperate to cling to an ideal of a man who didn’t really exist.

As she was speaking, she’d been staring blankly out the window, but when she finished, she turned to look at Xavier. He was staring at her, his gaze intense.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

She shrugged. “Don’t be. It was years ago. And I learned my lesson. My heart is far too valuable to be given away that easily.”

“He made you cynical.”

Kari raised her eyebrows in surprise. Though, she supposed Xavier was right. Her words to Noah had been hypocritical, seeing as she hadn’t allowed herself to feel anything either, especially for Xavier. Mostly because she knew that if she opened herself to him entirely, she’d fall harder and faster than she ever had before.

“Now you know why I’m so screwed up,” she muttered.

His eyes flashed with anger and he shook his head. “But you’re not, Kar. You’re not bitter or dysfunctional or jaded. You’re the one choosing to put up these walls. You just haven’t figured out that you don’t have to. Not everyone is going to let you down.”

That was not at all the response she was expecting. Then again, Xavier always had been the one to call her on her bullshit. There were many times when she thought his optimism was foolish, but in this particular case, perhaps he was on to something.

“I’m beginning to see that,” she admitted, a small smile lifting her lips.

He mimicked her action, a grin brightening his face. “That’s a good start. So what do you say for the rest of tonight, we forget about the past and just enjoy ourselves?”

She grinned and nodded enthusiastically, suddenly excited for the party ahead. “Sounds like a plan.”