Before the Dawn

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 4

I knew writing this out would take a lot of my energy. I’m surprised I haven’t crashed yet. I’ve always dreamed of being a novelist one day. I’ve lived the past decade in that perpetual pre-aspiring author stage. Problem is I either write absolute fluff (the kind that would make even a teen-romance junkie gag), or I create something so real it sends me to bed for a week or two at a time.

Move over, J. K. Rowling, I’m hot on your heels.

As soon as I finish this month-long nap.

Once I woke up from my semester-long sleep, I tried hard for Chris. I’d swear on Gutenberg’s printing press how hard I tried. At first, things were going so well. Looking back, it was the dumbest breakup to start with. I thought we both needed time to focus on our studies. It was difficult maintaining a relationship when he was in Seattle and I was all the way on the other side of the state in Spokane. That was all there was to it. I started to think that’s what my first crash was all about, that after trying to survive without him, my body and mind finally gave up and refused to function anymore.

So Chris and I had a blissful New Year’s together, then I went back to Spokane. Went back to my studies, got more involved in church because I’m always inspired to grow closer to God when I’m with him. And things were so good. I can’t explain it. Can’t explain how the only time I seriously know who I am is when I’m with Chris. It’s like we were together for so long we were the equivalent of octogenarians married for six decades by the time we got to college. I can just picture the way you’re rolling your eyes right now. Don’t think I can’t. But I’ve got to talk to someone about all this, and awkward as it’s going to be for both of us, that someone is you.

Don’t forget that you’re the one who asked for it.

I’ve still got that time-bomb ticking inside me. Still know that at some point, maybe tomorrow, maybe three months from now, my body’s going to wake up, but my brain’s going to decide to hibernate for however long it sees fit. I’m so ashamed of this mess I’ve turned into. I try to hide it well, I really do. I try to make up for my dysfunction by overcompensating the rest of the time. I go overboard on self-care because I know at any moment, I might lose the energy to bring a brush to my hair. Seriously, have you ever been so exhausted that Germ-X becomes your best friend because getting a squirt of soap and having to rinse your hands is too taxing?

Maybe that’s a calloused question for me to ask, and I’m sorry. You know what I’ve gone through. But I think about you, and it makes me feel even more wretched.

We shouldn’t have ever met, you and I. You know that, don’t you? Of course, you’re too much of a gentleman to come out and say it, so I’ll do it for the both of us. I wish you’d never stepped into my life.

Because you’re the reason for that next crash, and all the ones that came after it.